(2004-07-27) — In an effort to halt his decline in the polls, presumptive Democrat presidential nominee John Forbes Kerry has been dropped from the speaker list at the Democrat National Convention.

“We can’t afford to let 30 million Americans actually see and hear John Kerry speak on primetime television,” said an unnamed DNC official. “His recent increase in public appearances has dragged his polling numbers down far enough. We’re dropping him to stop the bleeding.”

The polls show that Americans have doubts about John Forbes Kerry’s positions on the issues and don’t realize that he has served in the U.S. Senate for 16 years, as an actual senator.

“Most people think that he’s still overseas, fighting in Vietnam,” the anonymous DNC source said. “The goal of the Democrat Convention is to tell the John Kerry story in the third-person. People love the Clintons, Jimmy Carter, Al Gore and Michael Moore. We’re putting them front-and-center to talk about Kerry so that their mojo will migrate to the nominee.”