(2003-12-31) — The vast editorial staff at ScrappleFace today announced its top headlines of 2004. These are the news items which will have the greatest impact on Americans and other citizens of Earth during the coming year.
Unlike traditional news operations, ScrappleFace editors and writers are not restricted to covering so-called “real” events, so they can pursue stories that interest them or fit with their own personal political agendas regardless of the facts. Therefore, the newsworthiness of the following headlines is virtually guaranteed.

Hillary Clinton Gets Nomination,
But Oscar Goes to Nicole Kidman

Episcopal Church Splits Over
Ordination of Openly-Christian Bishop
- Narrow-minded cleric calls Jesus ìthe only wayî

Usama Bin Laden Found Under
Syrian Presidentís Sofa Cushion
- President Bashir al Assad discovers al Qaeda leader while groping for remote control.

Bush Gets Nobel Peace Prize
for Uniting Democrat Party
- His roadmap for peace includes an idea liberal and moderate factions can agree on: uncompromising hatred of George W. Bush

Year’s Top Sports Story Involves
Some Kind of Athletic Achievement

Native Americans Launch Rival
To New York Stock Exchange
- Biggest Indian Casino Venture Yet

Columnist Robert Novak Reveals Name of
Undercover Agent Who Sabotaged the DNC
- Fall of Democrat Party said to be ‘inside job’

Court Orders 10 Commandments Removed
from Bible in Car Parked Near Court House

Homosexual Union Endorses Howard Dean
After Dean Supports Lowering ëWages of Siní