(2013-11-30) — Thousands of people left American malls and discount stores disappointed yesterday when brawls, riots, stampedes, fisticuffs and gun-play failed to materialize despite the tremendous anticipation fostered by mainstream media sources.

“This is B.S.,” said one Wisconsin man who “left a comfortable bed to come out to the mall in the cold weather” but failed to witness a single incident of retail violence.

“It’s nothing but a bunch of people looking for discounted merchandise and then standing in line forever,” he said. “I should have stayed home and watched ESPN.”

Another man stomped out of his local Wal-Mart in disgust after “three hours of waiting for someone to throw an elbow or knock a widow to the linoleum, or something. Bunch of pansies!”

A spokesman for the American Federation of Retailers said its members did all they could to create bottlenecks in doorways, to narrow the space between racks and shelving, and offer to come-on pricing for items barely in stock.

“We can’t be blamed if tens of millions of people didn’t get hurt and didn’t hurt anyone else,” the retailing official said. “You can lead a shopper to bargains, but you can’t make her snap.”