Archive for August 21st, 2018

Dope Scandal Bans Russia from 2020 U.S. Elections

(2018-08-21) — Russia is barred from participation in the 2020 U.S. election competition after revelations of a dope scandal rocked the political world.

While journalists contend Russia played a dominant role in U.S. elections in 2016, experts have confirmed widespread dopiness.

“The Russians spent millions of dollars,” said an election official. “They trolled social media, violated laws, and enlisted countless unwitting associates in an attempt to turn what is typically a chaotic mess of lies and innuendo, into a chaotic mess of lies and innuendo. And they had zero effect on the election outcome. We don’t need a specimen cup to make this ruling: What a bunch of dopes!”

The ban will have the greatest negative impact on the Russian spearfishing team. They were the odds-on favorite to overtake the perennial-champion Nigerian royal family.

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Sen. Collins Asks Kavanaugh To Do Her Abortion

(2018-08-21) — Because abortion is not an abstract legal issue, but a personal choice, Republican Sen. Susan Collins of Maine said she’ll ask President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee today if he would perform an abortion on her.

“I want a direct answer from Judge Kavanaugh,” said Collins, “not a legal dance routine, or a statement about whether Roe v. Wade was properly decided. Ultimately, my litmus test is this: Would you, Brett Kavanaugh, abort my fetus right here, right now?”

Collins, like Alaska Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski, has indicated that she’d be reluctant to confirm a court nominee hostile to abortion rights.

At age 65, the Maine Senator might seem an unlikely abortion candidate, but Collins said Kavanaugh knows nothing of her personal life, and she’ll expect “a simple yes or no answer.”

“I won’t accept theoretical speculation, but simply hand him the speculum,” she said.

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