Archive for August 4th, 2018

Kavanaugh Won’t Steal Democrat Senators’ Souls

(2018-08-04) — Senate Democrats ended their boycott and decided to meet with President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee after Judge Brett Kavanaugh agreed “not to steal their souls, or otherwise torment them, now or in the hereafter.”

“In a negotiated settlement, Judge Kavanaugh has agreed to answer Democrat Senators’ questions,” according to Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, “without searing our corneas with his other-worldly gaze, nor sending us into convulsions with an electro-magnetic brain pulse, nor doing anything to intentionally affect our condition in the after-life.”

Schumer said his caucus would comply, reluctantly — both for the good of the nation, and because blocking a supremely-qualified jurist didn’t poll well in the run up to the midterm elections.