Warren Admits Shame: Hired by Harvard on Merit Alone

(2018-09-03) — Massachussetts’ Sen. Elizabeth Warren today said she’s “ashamed to admit” that Harvard University hired her, not on the basis of her professed Native American heritage, but on merit alone.

Warren’s confessed embarrassment at her own hard-earned competence rather than preferential treatment based on bloodlines, follows release of an exhaustive investigation by The Boston Globe, which examined hundreds of documents and interviewed dozens of former colleagues. The Globe determined that Harvard did not hire her based on her claim that she’s 1/32nd Native American.

Starting in 1986, Warren, then a law professor, began self-identifying as a Native American minority, and was sometimes listed in professional directories, and recipe books as such.

“What does it say to our nation’s minority persons that their mentor and leader actually achieved success through dint of hard-work, and skill,” Sen. Warren lamented in a Globe interview. “I’m petrified that this will close the doors of affirmative action opportunity in the faces of my fellow tribespersons…yes, petrified like those majestic forests in Navajo and Apache territory, on the land that the White man now calls ‘Arizona’.”

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Pope to Purge Priests Who Drink from Plastic Straws

(2018-09-02) — On the heels of a boldly urgent sermon decrying plastic waste in the world’s oceans, Pope Francis I today announced “zero tolerance for priests who drink through plastic straws, and those in the church hierarchy who cover up these filthy acts.”

“The Lord sees and will judge those in His church who take advantage of the helpless little ones — the baby fishes, precious anemones and even the tiny plankton — by defiling marine habitat with their plastic straws,” the Pontiff wrote in an official decree from the Vatican.

The Vicar of Christ made clear that the Roman Catholic Church is complicit if it shields such sinners from consequences.

“Be assured,” Francis wrote, “that if a Bishop or a Cardinal, or even the Holy Father himself, knows that a fellow priest has committed this mortal sin, and he conceals the matter, he is no better than a man who personally casts a straw into the sea.”

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McCain Funeral Moves Trump to Change Tone

(2018-09-02) — The bipartisan outpouring of love at Saturday’s funeral for the late Sen. John McCain, etched as it was with opposition to what President Donald Trump has done to divide America, deride the media, and diminish the Republican party, had “a profound impact” on Trump, according to White House sources.

“The president watched the C-SPAN live coverage from Golf Cart One,” said an unnamed staffer. “As he listened to Meghan McCain, George W. Bush, Joe Lieberman and Barack Obama, he seemed to suddenly realize the devastating impact of his personality, his policies, and most of all, of his Tweets. It was a time of deep existential reflection.”

We can expect to see a much more reserved, respectful and humble president from now on, the source said: “Trump has been virtually reborn as a man who seeks first to listen and to understand — to give others the benefit of the doubt, and to refrain from giving offense, even when angry.”

The tributes to McCain from both sides of the political aisle apparently triggered “deep wrestling in Trump’s soul,” the source said. “He came realize that he stands on the shoulders of giants like McCain, Bush and Obama. He now feels duty-bound to perpetuate their magnanimous legacy, knowing that history will judge.”

Bystanders on the 13th green corroborated this assessment of the president’s demeanor, noting they heard Trump murmur to himself as he lined up a putt, “For what is a man? What has he got? If not himself, then he has naught to say the things he truly feels, and not the words of one who kneels.”

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The Village Voice Ceases: May Get Haircut, Real Job

(2018-09-01) — The Village Voice website stopped posting new content Friday, one year after the former New York City tabloid ceased print publication.

In a written statement, The Voice said it plans to “get a haircut, get a real job and maybe a rent-controlled apartment where I won’t have to sleep on the couch anymore.”

Spawned in 1955 by four men — including liberal activist, novelist and playwright Norman Mailer — The Voice really bloomed during the beatnik and hippie eras as a Left-wing, opinion-drenched, pseudo-journalistic vanity project, similar to The New York Times, only weekly.

“I’m too old for this sh**,” The Voice confided to an unnamed source. “Dude, my old Ivy League pals are making bank on Wall Street, driving Tesla’s and vacationing in the Hamptons. Meanwhile, I’m still shacking up in a buddy’s apartment in Greenwich Village, sleeping on the couch, and eating Ramen…and I’m almost 63.”

The Voice plans to “look for a job where I can sleep late, get paid to shoot off my mouth whenever I want just to piss people off, but do it wearing a suit and tie so it looks legit, you know?”

However, The Voice is not sure which political office he’ll seek first.

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Township Man Eager for His Star-Studded Funeral

(2018-08-31) — “A great line-up of celebrity eulogies. Top pop stars singing their favorite songs. Gales of laughter and torrents of tears.”

That’s the way a township man said he envisions his upcoming funeral. The anticipation is nearly killing him.

This week’s massive public celebrations of the lives of Sen. John McCain and singer Aretha Franklin have inspired the township man, who requested anonymity to discourage paparazzi.

“I’ve already drawn up the short list of politicians and other famous performers,” he said, “and my ‘save the date’ invitations will go out soon. It’s going to take some time to plan such a gala blow-out, so I figured I should start while I’m still relatively young and healthy. ”

“It’s all he talks about these days,” the township man’s wife said. “I think I’m even more eager to see it than he is.”

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Trump to Ron DeSantis Critics: “Monkey Off!”

(2018-08-30) — President Donald Trump came to the defense of Florida’s embattled Republican nominee for governor, Ron DeSantis, in the wake of allegations the gubernatorial candidate had issued a “racist dog whistle” by using the phrase “monkey it up” in a TV interview.

DeSantis has denied allegations that he had his African-American Democratic opponent’s ethnicity in mind when said that, “Florida is going in a good direction” and should not “monkey it up” with socialism, tax hikes and deficit spending.

In response, the White House this morning released the following statement attributed to Trump:

“Socialism has monkeyed up every monkeying country where it’s been tried. First you get a bunch of elitist power-hungry mother-monkeyers, who take advantage of the poor dumb monkeys. Socialist government then monkeys the productive citizens out of their wealth, and pisses away all of the monkeying money.”

“As for Ron DeSantis, there is not a racist monkeying bone in his whole monkeying body.”

“So, to Ron’s critics, and to mine, I say: “Monkey off!”

— President Donald J. Trump

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Must Democrats Back Florida Man Who Beat Woman?

(2018-08-29) — The Democratic National Committee sequestered itself behind closed doors this morning to debate the proper reaction to Tuesday’s drubbing of a woman by a man in the Florida primary for governor.

Still stinging from its failure to get Hillary Clinton (who is a woman) into the White House, DNC leaders engaged in some “serious soul-searching,” according to insiders.

Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum pulled off a surprise upset of former Congresswoman Gwen Graham, earning a chance to be the state’s first Black governor. But DNC insiders say his victory has thrown the party into a quandary.

“Democrats don’t want to celebrate a woman bruising her head on the glass ceiling, especially when she gets beaten by a man,” said one unnamed national committee-person. “On the other hand, we’re thrilled that an African-American defeated Graham, who is a member of the oppressor White race.”

Yet the dilemma is not that simple.

Democratic party faithful also expressed discomfort that Gillum won the primary with support from Black church congregations, which makes him look like part of the dominant Christian religion that has repressed people for centuries.

Asked if the DNC struggles with the fact that Gillum also crushed Democrat candidate Philip Levine, who is Jewish, the party leader simply shrugged.

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Trump on McCain: “I like people who don’t die, OK?”

(2018-08-28) — After days of sending mixed signals about the passing of the late Sen. John McCain, President Trump today suggested that the outpouring of positive McCain remembrances on TV and social media have come for just one reason.

“We only mourn McCain because he died,” Trump told a reporter. “I like people who don’t die. OK? I hate to tell you.”

The remark echoed Trump’s 2016 campaign quip that McCain is “only a war hero because he got captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”

Even though ABC reporter Jonathan Karl really wanted him to, the president has until now refused to comment about his former bitter rival — the man who almost single-handedly blocked the repeal of Obamacare.

“Let’s be honest,” Trump said today. “All this praise, the tributes, lowering the flag, the big viewing in the Capitol Rotunda — none of this would be happening if John McCain were still alive. It seems like a lot of reversionist history to me.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, acknowledging the fraught relationship between the two Republican politicians, said, “Some men will carry a grudge against another man until his rival is in the grave. President Trump doesn’t give up that easy.”

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4-in-5 Democrats Would Elect McCain President Now

(2018-08-27) —  A new Ipsos-Factos poll of registered Democrats, taken in the wake of Sen. John McCain’s death, indicates that some 80 percent of them would vote for the decorated war hero, legendary senator and bipartisan statesman, in a head-to-head contest with anyone from any party.

“There’s never been a Republican, a politician, or even a man, like him,” said one unnamed Democratic survey respondent. “He’s exactly the one we need at a time of division like this. He’s, frankly, the only leader who can bring us together as a nation, stop all wars, and speak the truth at all times.”

As news of the poll leaked out, the Democratic National Committee sent out a Tweet cautioning party members that “voting for the deceased does not offer the same benefits as voting by the deceased.”

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Pope to Priests: Abstain from Molestation on Fridays

(2018-08-26) — As part of his sweeping crackdown on sexual abuse and coverups in the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Francis today ordered all priests, cardinals and others in the church hierarchy to abstain from molesting women, children and seminarians on Fridays.

The pontiff’s new commandment comes in the the wake of the shocking revelation by a former Vatican diplomat that the Holy Father was told as early as June 23, 2013 about U.S. Cardinal Theodore McCarrick’s history of sexually molesting seminary students. The Pope reportedly remained silent, and later repealed sanctions previously-imposed on McCarrick by Pope Benedict XVI.

Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò, 77, who served as apostolic nuncio in Washington D.C. from 2011 to 2016, says he personally told the Vicar of Christ that the Vatican had a thick file of allegations against McCarrick for “gravely immoral behavior,” indicating he was a “serial predator.” Yet, McCarrick’s influence with the Vatican grew greater during Francis’ pontificate.

Viganò’s 11-page public letter, detailing a wide-spread coverup among church leaders, sparked Pope Francis to issue the new ex cathedra (infallible) pronouncement that, in addition to abstaining from meat on Friday’s, priests must on that same day each week “penitentially refrain from wooing, grooming, groping or otherwise violating parishioners or students under their pastoral care.”

 

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