Michelle Obama Denies Calling Clinton ‘Hildebeest’

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(2014-06-23) — Putting to rest allegations in the controversial new book, “Blood Feud,” the White House today said First Lady Michelle Obama and presidential adviser Valerie Jarrett do not refer to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton by a derogatory name in private conversations.

Wildebeest and Hillary Clinton

The Office of First Lady Michelle Obama released this side-by-side comparison of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and a wildebeest to “highlight the absurdity of allegations in a new book that Mrs. Obama refers to Mrs. Clinton, privately, as ‘Hildebeest.’” An attached document noted at least seven obvious distinctions between the two.

“Secretary Clinton served our nation with honor and distinction,” First Lady Obama reportedly said. “It’s beneath the dignity of her several offices to call Secretary Clinton ‘Hildebeest’, especially here, under the very roof where she served as First Lady.”

The statement, on Office of the First Lady letterhead, went on to explain that “‘Hildebeest’ is a derogatory term because it combines Mrs. Clinton’s name with that of an African bovine, suggesting that she’s, in some way, like a wild cow. Yet, almost nothing could be further from the truth.”

“For example,” Mrs. Obama’s statement continued, “Wildebeests do not mate for life, but Secretary Clinton has been married to her husband for many years. So it would make almost no sense to call her ‘Hildebeest’.”

The statement also noted that wildebeests have coarse dry skin, and shaggy manes, but Mrs. Obama noted that Hillary Clinton’s hair is “nearly always neatly groomed.”

“For the record,” Mrs. Obama’s statement concluded, “If I had called Hillary Clinton ‘Hildebeest’ I would have apologized, but I did not call her ‘Hildebeest.’

Obama Extends Benefits to Non-Government Workers

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(2014-06-20) — As President Obama announced today that he’ll use executive orders to extend marriage benefits to same sex couples employed by the government and its contractors, the president surprised many by declaring he would give such benefits to another marginalized group.

Obama family

President Obama and First Lady Michelle took the girls for a walk recently to tell them that “Daddy’s going to give you government benefits for life, even if you don’t get a job in government.”

Under the draft plan, non-government employees — long treated as second-class citizens — would qualify for the sumptuous health care, pension, travel stipends, leisurely work pace and other benefits traditionally conferred only upon those who draw their paychecks from the U.S. Treasury.

“In America, we don’t discriminate against you because of who you worship, who you love or who you work for,” the president said at a White House news conference.

“This decision was very personal for Michelle and me,” Mr. Obama added. “We looked at our beautiful daughters and thought, ‘What if Sasha can’t get a government job? What if Malia winds up working in a factory or the service industry? Shouldn’t they be treated equally with their neighbors who are employed by the taxpayers?’”

Advisers admit the president’s views on government benefits for non-government employees have “evolved” during the past few years, and he wasn’t ready to go public with his new position, but an aggressively inquisitive White House press corps forced his hand.

In a vain attempt to prevent the news from leaking out, the White House communications office had confined Vice President Joe Biden to his residence, and locked down his Twitter account. But many Washington observers thought Mr. Obama tipped his hand with moves to extend unemployment benefits, raise the minimum wage and take over the private health care system.

Redskins’ New Name to Honor Indian Casino Heritage

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(2014-06-19) — In the wake of yesterday’s ruling by a federal agency that the Washington Redskins do not enjoy trademark protection for their team name because it’s offensive to some Native Americans, the franchise owner is reportedly considering “bringing the name up to date in a way that reflects more recent Native American traditions.”

Obama on reservation

President Obama applauded federal action stripping exclusive rights to the name ‘Redskins’ from Washington’s NFL franchise. Obama is seen here in a file photo at a ceremony to mark the erection of thousands of power-generating wind turbines on Indian land. The tribal chief made a speech thanking the president, and giving him the honorary Indian name “Eagle Killer.”

According to unnamed NFL sources, the short list of potential new names includes “The Washington Craps Dealers,” since the Trademark and Trial Appeal Board of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office ruled that the name “Redskins” is disparaging, and not a badge of honor as team owners have claimed for years.

A White House spokesman said President Obama applauds the trademark ruling, which means that the Redskins’ owner can no longer sue for trademark infringement, “even if a thousand other businesses steal the name and use it on their products.”

“Finally,” the president said, “Native Americans get justice against a white man.”

Sources say other team names under consideration would acknowledge…

  • the relationship between the U.S. government and the Indian tribes — “The Washington Dependents,” or
  • the rich Native American tradition of overcoming addiction to distilled spirits — “The Washington 12-Steppers,” or
  • the freedom from daily toil enjoyed by many on Indian reservations — “The Washington Jobless.”

 

Obama Scolds USA Soccer Team for Beating Ghana

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(2014-06-17) — At a Rose Garden ceremony today, President Obama officially rebuked the U.S. soccer team for its victory over Ghana in yesterday’s World Cup match, noting that the shocking outcome merely “exacerbates the negative image that African nations have of America as a bully and oppressor.”

Secretary of State Kerry doing ball tricks

Secretary of State John Kerry practices a trick he hopes to perform for the president of Ghana as goodwill gesture following President Obama’s apology for his nation’s treatment of the Ghanian national soccer team this week.

“Worse than the way the Americans treated Ghana on the field,” said Obama, “is the unseemly crowing afterward, and all the chanting of “USA! USA!” I don’t think people realize how offensive that is to African ears…I’m told.”

This morning, Mr. Obama called the president of Ghana, John Dramani Mahama, to apologize for the incident, which he admitted “seems reminiscent of the arrogant era of Western conquest and colonialism.”

The White House said the president dispatched Secretary of State John Kerry to the region for a seven-nation African apology tour. Mr. Kerry will bring the message that “the African continent was the cradle of humanity, and therefore, the birthplace of soccer…and everything else.”

Secretary Kerry will follow that mission with another tour to apologize for incorrectly calling the sport “soccer,” admitting that Americans “stole its proper name — ‘football’ — for our own brutal sport.”

Obama Threatens Use of Unmanned Oval Office

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(2014-06-16) — Standing next to Marine One, the presidential helicopter, Barack Obama said Sunday that he would not lead ground forces into the White House to solve the escalating crisis in Iraq, as Sunni militants, inspired by al-Qaeda, capture one town after another in an attempt to establish a Muslim caliphate.

President Obama remotely controls Oval Office.

President Obama demonstrates how he can remotely control an unmanned Oval Office and Situation Room. “I don’t even have to face the White House when I do this,” the president noted.

Instead, the president threatened the use of an unmanned Oval Office and Situation Room, even as he received Tweet-briefings from Secretary of State John Kerry, who is remotely overseeing the evacuation of the U.S. embassy in Tal Afar.

Mr. Obama, on vacation with his family, hit the links for a round of golf on a course owned by tech billionaire Larry Ellison, sending a clear signal to militants and terrorists alike that he rejects the Bush-era doctrine of “wingtips on the ground” in the executive office.

“Americans are weary of a wartime commander-in-chief, with his presidential daily briefings, and his knees under his desk,” Obama said. “If I needed to know what’s happening right now in Iraq, I have people I could ask. In the meantime, I can steer the ship of state remotely, from any golf course in the world.”

A spokesman for the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) said they were prepared for anything but a “an American drone president,” noting that they would have to rethink their entire battle plan, since “current strategic scenarios are all predicated on real-time personal involvement by the U.S. Commander in Chief.”

 

VA Chief Quits, Cites Lingering Health Issues

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Former VA Chief Eric Shinseki

Former Army General and VA Chief Eric Shinseki, seen here applying a therapeutic technique recommended by the phone receptionist “to bide the time” while he waits to schedule an appointment with a doctor.

(2014-05-30) — Eric Shinseki, President Obama’s head of Veteran’s Affairs (VA), resigned today but denied that his departure has anything to do with the scandal which has enveloped the organization in recent weeks.

“The president and I both wish I could have continued leading this important agency,” said Shinseki, a retired Army General, “However, I have some lingering health issues related to my years of military service, and frankly it’s been a bit difficult scheduling an appointment to get the care I need. I leave the administration now in order to devote my full time to solving this problem.”

Shinseki said he’s been “assured” that he’s on at least two waiting lists, “but there’s been some sort of delay in actually getting me in to see a medical professional.”

President Obama accepted the resignation “with considerable regret,” but noted that Shinseki would “still be devoting his full time efforts to making sure that when a veteran needs health care, he actually gets it.”

Obama Orders Review of Botched U.S. Murders

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Obama Deeply Disturbed by Botched Murders

A “deeply disturbed” President Obama issues an executive order to probe unfairness, and cruel and unusual punishments allegedly perpetrated by America’s murderers.

(2014-05-03) — News that several recent murder victims suffered “discomfort” during the attacks that led to their deaths has “deeply disturbed” President Obama, who this morning ordered the Justice Department to review how U.S. murders are applied, with particular focus on fairness.

The executive order follows another this week calling for a policy review of how the death penalty is applied in the judicial system.

The president acted after hearing of a recent killing in which the victim was left groaning in pain for several minutes after the murderer’s actions failed to have the intended effect immediately. Obama said the botched murders in particular raise “difficult and profound questions about who we are as a society.”

The White House said the president is particularly concerned about the unfairness and possible bigotry of the nation’s killers, who have a statistically significant bias toward killing young, black men — far out of proportion to their numbers in the population.

“We’re also hearing far too many stories of the wrong person being murdered in a drive-by shooting,” Obama said. “Too often these murder victims are oppressed minorities, many of them guilty of little more than being SWB: Slain While Black. Frankly, we need to be a better country than this.”

Obama: Dump Costly Men, Hire Cheap Women

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Obama to Employers: Dump Men, Hire Women

President Obama signs an executive order, firing every male employee in the executive branch, to be replaced with “cheap, renewable women,” saving taxpayers millions of dollars this year alone.

(2014-04-10) — At a White House news conference today, President Obama encouraged employers to boost their profits by slashing expenses, or in his words: “Dump costly men, hire cheap women.”

“With women earning just 77 cents on the dollar compared with men,” Obama said, “they’re a real bargain, allowing you to move 23 percent of your HR budget straight to the bottom line.”

The president noted that, “Not only are women cheap and renewable, but they’re smart and they work hard, often doing jobs that no man would do. And some of them have even bigger biceps than their husbands.”

An unnamed economist at the American Woman Cooperative Marketing Board agreed.

“If women really earn so much less,” he said, “why would a business ever hire a man? All other things being equal, it makes no economic sense.”

However, a spokesman for Man Worker International noted that despite their proclivity to engage in risky after-hours behaviors and to die sooner, men are still a good deal.

“Sure, they cost a little more up front,” the spokesman acknowledged, “but men consistently put work before family, senselessly devote their lives to developing boring but useful expertise, and rarely get pregnant.”

Obama Imposes Sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s Dog

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Obama Sanctions Putin's Gods

President Obama today imposed sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s dog in an effort to force the Russian leader to pull troops out of Crimea. The retaliatory measures were suggested by German Chancellor Angela Merkel who told Obama of Putin’s special relationship with his dog.

(2014-03-20) — After Russia’s president ignored and mocked a first round of U.S. sanctions against his wealthy political cronies, President Obama today announced he’ll hit Vladimir Putin where it hurts. Not only did he announce new sanctions, he actually carried them out on live TV.

“With the full support of the international community,” Mr. Obama said, “I’m announcing today several crippling sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s dog — limiting his travel, seizing his assets, and shaming him before the global community.”

At that point in the news conference, Mr. Obama looked into the TV camera and administered the sanctions directly to the Russian dog: “You want to go outside, boy? You want to go outside?,” he said enthusiastically, before turning serious. “Well, forget it. You’re not going anywhere. Go lay down. Get in your box. Get. In. That. Box. Now!”

The president continued, speaking directly to the Russian hound, saying, “You like this bone, do you?”

Mr. Obama waved a sizable beef shank bone in front of the camera, and then quickly hid the bone behind his back. “Where’d it go? Where is it, boy? It’s gone! Your asset has been seized by the President of the United States.”

The shaming reached its peak as Mr. Obama gravely intoned: “Bad dog. You’re such a bad dog. Bad. Bad. Bad dog.”

A spokesman for the Kremlin confirmed that President Putin’s dog was watching the live news conference, and had “suffered immeasurably.”

“The President of the United States has gone too far this time,” Mr. Putin’s spokesman said. “All retaliatory options are on the table. Any that fall off of the table, will certainly be dealt with by the dog.”

Obama: ‘Tea Party’ Must Decry Unconstitutional Move

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Obama Calls for Tea Party Uprising

President Obama called on his “Tea Party friends” to rise up against the Russian-engineered unconstitutional referendum in Crimea aimed at severing the region from Ukraine, and stripping the people of their God-given constitutional right to self-determination.

(2014-03-17) — President Obama called on the Tea Party movement in the United States to rise up against Sunday’s Crimean vote to secede from Ukraine, a move he has characterized as unconstitutional.

“It’s a violation of the Ukrainian constitution,” Mr. Obama said of Sunday’s referendum in which Crimeans appear to have voted, under the watchful eye of Russian troops, to move into the Russian Federation. “As a former professor of Constitutional law, I’m asking my fellow Constitutionalists in the Tea Party to decry this abrogation of the Ukrainian peoples’ God-given right to self-determination.”

The White House said the president sees the Tea Party as “perhaps the last bulwark of constitutional defense which we urgently need to stand against all enemies foreign and domestic.”

“No charismatic tyrant should be allowed to manipulate the masses into trashing the bedrock of a civil and free society,” said President Obama. “The framers of the Ukrainian constitution understood the clear and present danger of a dynamic foreigner sowing the seeds of internal division and thus tearing this great nation apart. The Tea Party should warn Ukraine that it must unite, or die.”