SkyMall Bankrupt: Fliers Resigned to Analog Litter Boxes

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Electronic Cat Litter Box SkyMall | ScrappleFace

America’s cats may be hardest hit by the announcement that SkyMall — the in-flight catalog felines count on for essential survival items — has declared bankruptcy.

(2015-01-23) — With the bankruptcy of SkyMall, the in-flight catalog, airline passengers nationwide report that they’re now stuck with non-electronic cat-litter disposal systems, among other shocking inconveniences.

It’s hard to know exactly how many house cats the bankruptcy will affect, experts said. But countless millions of felines now to stand in their own waste, knowing that what they deposit will still be there when they return — rather than be electronically whisked into a hermetically-sealed drawer.

“Every time I take the red-eye to L.A.X., I tell myself I’m going to order that robotic cat-litter gizmo,” said one unnamed airline passenger. “Now that SkyMall is bankrupt, I could kick myself . It was only about three-hundred-fifty bucks, but I never did it — just like I never clean our analog litter box. It just seemed like too much trouble to pick up the phone, or that little shovel.”

Township Man “Super Excited” to Watch Obama Speech

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Obama State of the Union

During last year’s State of the Union address, President Obama, overcome with patriotism, began to sing the National Anthem. This photo captures the moment when he belted out “O, say, can you see…”, as Vice President Biden and House Speaker Boehner hummed the melody.

(2015-01-19) — A township man said he’s “super excited” to watch President Obama’s latest State of the Union speech on television Tuesday night.

“I’m actually going to DVR it while I’m watching it so I can go back and review it later,” he said, “just in case I miss something while I was clapping or cheering or whatever.”

The State of the Union enthusiast said that perhaps the best thing about watching President Obama’s speech is “knowing that all of America is united as one, sitting in their living rooms, on the edge of the sofa, hanging on every word, gazing with admiration at all of the honorable leaders of this great nation —  their hearts filled with patriotic fervor.”

The unnamed local man said he normally watches “that hoarding show,” or just plays Call of Duty, but he’s been looking forward to the president’s speech for weeks.

“My wife knows to clear the deck, and keep the kids quiet on the couch,” he said. “They know better than to interrupt, even during all the times when every member of Congress, and the Supreme Court, are all applauding because they’re so surprised and delighted by what the president said. The suspense is delicious.”

Obamacare Official to Quit if Resign.gov Ever Works

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Resign.gov

Resign.gov as it appeared when Marilyn Tavenner, who oversaw the Healthcare.gov rollout, tried to access it to process her resignation from the Obama administration.

(2015-01-16) — Marilyn Tavenner, the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services official who oversaw the launch of HealthCare.gov, announced today that she would resign from the Obama administration, “just as soon as I can actually log on to Resign.gov.”

A spokesman for the federal government’s human resources department said they’ve just rolled out a new resignation system that will make it faster and easier for federal employees to end their careers “with a few clicks of the mouse.” However, the system has “a few minor glitches that we’re working through.”

Tavenner said that at first Resign.gov would not let her create an account, and then it said she was in a “waiting room” and should check back often. Eventually, she was allowed to enter information, but then the system didn’t recognize her.

“It’s really frustrating,” Tavenner said. “I can’t even find out what my retirement benefits are without entering my life story, and I can’t even do that because the system’s locked up and I can’t log in.”

Yesterday, Resign.gov was taken down for maintenance after it unexpectedly got deluged with as many as 13 simultaneous users.

 

Archeologists Unearth Trove of Muhammed Selfies

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Muhammed Selfie unearthed near Mecca

One of a collection of papyrus selfies by Muhammed, the Prophet of Islam, recently discovered near Mecca. Experts date the work sometime during the transition between the era of duck-lip selfies, and the birth of the fish face.

(2015-01-16) — Archeologists digging near Mecca in Saudi Arabia say they have uncovered a large collection of 7th century self-portraits of the Prophet Muhammed.

The ink-on-papyrus selfies have sparked an outcry among jihadis in Qaeda and the Islamic State. Several imams have issued a joint fatwa against “the artist who created the self-portraits of the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him).”

“Under Sharia, no one has the right to blaspheme the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him) by rendering his image,” according to the text of the fatwa, which was released in a series of 617 tweets early this morning. “Brothers of the ummah (Muslim community) are directed to seize the self-portraitist by the beard and separate his head from his blaspheming body.”

Although the Associated Press released several images of the Muhammed selfies to its affiliated news organizations around the world, The New York Times issued a today statement that “the discovery of the ancient self-portraits of the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him) is not newsworthy (peace be upon us).”

The White House also released remarks from President Obama who said, “The past must not belong to those who slander the Prophet of Islam (salla Allahu Alay wa Salam).”

 

Obama Finally Tweets Reason He Missed Paris Rally

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Obama: Je suis, donc je suis. #MoiMeme

Obama Skips Paris Rally to Plan ‘Jihad Against Jihadis’

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Obama and Biden in Situation Room

President Obama confers with Vice President Biden in the White House Situation Room on Obama’s “jihad against jihadis,” the president’s new all-out assault on radical Islamists and the book that they use as intended by their prophet.

(2015-01-12) — U.S. President Barack Obama missed this weekend’s rally in Paris, which drew leaders from 40 nations, because he was hunkered down in the White House Situation Room plotting what sources called “a jihad against Muslim jihadis.”

The absence in Paris of Obama, Vice President Biden, First Lady Michelle Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry has evoked global criticism. However, the president was represented at the rally by the U.S. Ambassador to France, said press secretary Josh Earnest, noting she had to travel “several blocks in heavy traffic” to get to the rally.

“The ambassador is, after all, an Obama campaign bundler,” Earnest said, “and what could be more personal than that? Didn’t Jesus say, ‘Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also’? The president’s heart was in Paris, with our oldest ally.”

Officials insist Obama would have attended the “Je Suis Charlie” rally, but he was sequestered with Biden and the First Lady, “mapping out a vigorous, kinetic war against the pestilence of radical Islam, and against those who, through passive assent, facilitate the Muslim terrorists.”

“The president is more convinced than ever that we’re at war against radical Islam, whose battle plan is a literal reading of the Koran as Muhammed intended,” said one unnamed White House source familiar with Obama’s thinking. “He can’t believe that world leaders are so reluctant to stand up and state the obvious fact, and to do something about it.”

A draft outline of the “jihad against jihadis” indicates Obama plans to shut down the madrassas–the religious schools for children that mix Koran memorization, with Sharia law indoctrination and anti-Western tirades. The president also means to take down the jihad-backing oil sheiks who hide in plain sight in U.S.-allied nations in the Arab world.

“We’re going to drill for oil in the U.S. until these wealthy Muslim gangsters are panhandling out of cardboard boxes,” Obama allegedly told Biden.

The commander in chief will reportedly threaten to close embassies in Arab states until they recognize and enforce universal human rights for all citizens. His ambassador to the U.N. will block efforts to recognize a Palestinian state until they change their charter to support Israel’s right to exist, and they eject known terrorist groups from the Palestinian government.

“When he was a boy, Barack Obama lived in Indonesia,” said an unnamed source. “He knows these people, he knows their battle book, and he’s the perfect president to take us to war against this millennial Muslim scourge.”

Allah Still Shaken Over French Satire Mag Attacks

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The messenger of Allah, sneeze be upon him, as he appeared during this morning's remarks about the satire magazine attacks.

(2015-01-07) — A spokesman for Allah today said the Muslim deity is “still shaken” over attacks at the French satire magazine, Charlie Hebdo.

The revelation comes in the wake of breaking news that two masked men opened fire at the magazine’s Paris offices, killing at least twelve.

“Allah–the most sensitive, the most emotionally-unstable–has taken these attacks very hard,” the spokesman said. “He still can’t believe people could be so brutal as to draw mocking cartoons of his prophet, Muhammed, tease be upon him.

When informed that his jihadists had slaughtered perhaps a dozen unarmed writers and cartoonists, Allah reportedly wept, according to his messenger.

“I hope my soldiers of peace are not too distraught that their devotional offering to me was so small,” he said. “There is aways next time.”

Meanwhile, French President Françoise Hollande offered condolences to Allah and reassured a shocked and grieving nation that “such attacks will end when we all learn the true meaning of the word Islam–submission.”

Sony Co-Chair Pascal Apologizes to Jolie for Email Slur

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Sony co-chair Amy Pascal with Angelina Jolie

Sony co-chair Amy Pascal apologizes to Angelina Jolie for slurs in recently-leaked private emails.

YouTube Commenter Watches Video Before Posting

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YouTube commenter

A YouTube commenter was surprised to learn this week that YouTube offers video content, along with his personal blogging platform, when he inadvertently triggered a video and watched it all of the way through.

(2014-12-12) — In a nearly unprecedented act, a user at YouTube.com watched a three-and-a-half minute political video all of the way through before posting his thoughts about the subject in the comment section below.

“Normally, I just skim the headline and then let ‘er rip,” said the YouTube commenter, “But this time I accidentally hit the play button on my iPad, and then, for some reason, watched the whole thing.”

While he said that “3:26 seems like an eternity when you’re waiting to post your opinion,” he acknowledged that he would have written a much different comment had he not actually watched the video.

“The main purpose of YouTube, I’ve always thought, is to give me a chance to let the world read what I think,” he said. “It turns out that YouTube also offers a platform for ideas and entertainment in video form, in addition to providing a blog space for me.”

Asked if the experience might inspire him to watch more videos in their entirety before commenting, the man said, “Not intentionally.”

Obama Sports Official Body Cam Cops Will Soon Wear

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Obama with new government body cam