Inspired by Christie, Obama Fires Executive Branch

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Obama shows them the door

Showing them the door: President Obama fired the entire executive branch of the federal government today, inspired by Gov. Chris Christie’s intolerance of dishonesty and petty partisanship.

(2014-01-10) — President Barack Obama said he watched Chris Christie’s news conference yesterday and admired the way the New Jersey governor dumped two top associates who had lied to him, or acted in petty, vindictive ways toward political opponents.

Doing so inspired Obama to fire the entire executive branch of the federal government this morning for the same reasons.

“I was going to be more deliberate, and review each cabinet officer, department head and staffer on a case-by-case basis,” said Obama, “but that would take a long time, and end up with the same result if I’m using honesty and integrity as the standards.”

The president arrived 45 minutes late to a scheduled 11 a.m. news conference, saying he was delayed due to the need to perform tasks he inherited from terminated staffers, including picking out his own clothing, preparing his own breakfast, and reviewing the IRS records of countless dozens of insurance applicants from HealthCare.gov.

White House Warns of Coming “Polar Bear Vortex”

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Polar bear vortex

Bored, famished polar bears, deprived of floating ice platforms for hunting by global warming,now mate voraciously, spawning extra litters of cubs which will soon descend on the U.S. as a “swirling polar bear vortex.”

(2014-01-09) — Just as the recent deadly cold-snap and the entrapment of a scientific vessel in the Antarctic ice pack can be traced to man-made global warming, the White House announced today that melting Arctic ice-flows will soon spawn a “polar bear vortex” which will move south in a swirling mass migration.

“Unscientific Americans fail to comprehend why man-made warming causes extreme cooling,” said White House science adviser Dr. John Holdren. “So these same ignorant folks will be stunned when massive herds of endangered polar bears swarm neighborhoods from Maine to Texas.”

Holdren explained that as global warming melts polar ice flows, bears have no floating platforms from which to hunt the ocean. With all that extra downtime, many of them mate voraciously, and give birth to multiple litters of cubs, who, lacking food, will migrate toward the protein-rich garbage cans of suburban Americans.

“Within just a few years,” Holdren said, “you’ll be able to walk from Philadelphia to Dallas on the backs of polar bears…that is, if you haven’t already been slain by a ravening famished pack of them.”

Christie: Nominate Me or I’ll Shut Down the Internet

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Chris Christie threatens to throttle the internet if denied the GOP presidential nomination

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie came out swinging at politicians and pundits who think the trafficgate scandal means “blood in the water” that might end his presidential hopes. Here Christie demonstrates how he’ll “squeeze the internet pipeline like a garden hose” if the RNC denies him the nomination.

(2014-01-09) — As political enemies worked to link New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie with a move by his top aides to shut down traffic as political revenge on a small town Democratic mayor, a combative Christie held a news conference today to announce he would be the Republican presidential nominee, or internet users would have to “go back to measuring signal speeds in baud per second.”

“You think it was ugly when a couple of access lanes got closed near the bridge to New York City,” the pugnacious presumptive presidential hopeful snarled, “wait until it takes three hours to post your selfie.”

The allegations that Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich got punished with four days of traffic disruptions for his refusal to endorse Christie’s re-election last year appeared to shatter the governor’s reputation as prickly-but-honest — a man above partisan politics.

Within hours of the Bergen Record’s revelation of snarky emails between a Christie staffer and a political appointee, politicians and pundits, smelling blood in the water, lined up at microphones to herald the end of the Christie integrity myth.

“It’s not that people expect better behavior from politicians,” said one unnamed political consultant, “It’s that they can’t stand a hypocrite. That’s why I advise my clients to avoid establishing a track record of plain speaking and honorable behavior. It’s much easier to surprise them with occasional honesty and integrity, than to maintain admirable character over the long haul.”

Obama Reportedly Offered Sarah Palin Permit to Shoot “Wolves of Wall Street” from Helicopter

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Obama mulls permit

President Obama reviews text of a “presidential permit” that would have granted Sarah Palin the right to hunt “wolves of Wall Street” from a helicopter as a way to close the income inequality gap.

(2014-01-08) — As his economic recovery produced record corporate profits and a spiking stock market, but left millions of Americans unemployed or underemployed, President Obama reportedly considered granting Sarah Palin a permit to hunt from a helicopter for so-called “wolves of Wall Street,” according to an internal White House memo published today in the New York Times.

The revelation came shortly after Obama made remarks on the state of the economy yesterday, while standing before a backdrop of unemployed people who have been left behind by the recovery.

By leaking the memo, the administration sought to “assure middle-class Americans that no option is off the table in the president’s war on income inequality,” according to an administration official who was authorized to speak while preserving plausible deniability for the president.

“Everyone knows that nobody knows how find jobs for the millions bypassed by the Obama recovery,” the unnamed source said. “But the president understands that if you can’t close the income gap from the bottom up, you can certainly do it from the top down.”

Former Alaska Gov. Palin immediately took to Facebook to acknowledge that she initially welcomed the opportunity.

“There’s always fuel in the helo,” Palin wrote, “I’ve got Ted Nugent on speed dial, and we’re locked and loaded.”

However, Palin said her enthusiasm for the project waned when she realized the location was Wall Street, noting, “I thought they said K Street.”

Activists Push NYC to Permit Medicinal Coca-Cola Use

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Coca-Cola

If activists succeed, and Mayor de Blasio permits high-dose medicinal Coca-Cola use, some residents worry about the example set for children by obese, jittery patients. In this file photo, a frightened child struggles in vain to escape the grasp of one afflicted man.

(2014-01-06) — As New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo stands poised to issue an executive order re-instituting medicinal use of marijuana, activists in the Big Apple are about to launch a public-relations campaign aimed at convincing Mayor Bill de Blasio to once again permit the use of high doses of Coca-Cola as a treatment for various ailments.

“We’re not addicts or anarchists,” said an unnamed spokesman for the group. “We’re responsible citizens with conditions that only Coca-Cola can alleviate.”

On its website and pamphlets the group heads off the classic slippery-slope argument, explicitly stating: “We are NOT in favor of recreational usage nor over the counter sales of high-dosages of Coca-Cola, but only physician-prescribed treatments.”

For years, New Yorkers were permitted to self-medicate, leading to the proliferation of street-corner dealers selling high doses at market prices. Some residents complained about the obese, jittery clientele and the unhealthful example they set for children. All of that came to an end under the Bloomberg administration, which banned sales of high-volume containers.

“Bloomberg’s heart was in the right place,” said the activist, “but people with legitimate needs for large quantities of the caramel-colored, carbonated elixir were cut off, driving many to despair, and of course, to the black market.”

Obama Demands Action on Temperature Inequality

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Temperature Inequality Map

President Obama said he’ll “focus like a laser” for the remainder of his term on “closing the vast gulf between warmest and coldest.” Temperature inequality, as shown on this map, reached 127 degrees in recent days.

(2013-01-06) — The growing gap between warmest and coldest is “the penultimate defining challenge of our age,” President Obama announced just hours after returning to Washington D.C. following a two-week vacation in Hawaii.

“If Congress will not move to stop temperature inequality,” Obama said, “then I will. Living in one of the more advanced nations in North America, we can’t wait for the end of partisan bickering to pass sensible regulations.”

Moments after stepping off of Marine One at the White House, the president said “there’s no time for delay, because the thermal gap has grown noticeably even in the past couple of days.”

First Lady Michelle Obama, who remained in Hawaii while her husband and daughters returned to the east coast, noted that temperature inequality has impacted average Americans’ relationships, making distant family members grow cold.

While some scientists questioned whether the gap has grown, and whether legislation can do anything about it, the White House said those researchers lack credibility “because they don’t receive federal grants very soon.”

‘Little Sisters’ Unionize, Seek ObamaCare Exemption

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Little Sisters of the Poor

Nuns from the Little Sisters of the Poor order say they should still have time to care for the indigent elderly after they form a labor union, and even more motivation “since some old folks still aren’t registered to vote.”

(2013-01-04) — Just hours after the Justice Department contested the Supreme Court delay of a federal mandate for contraceptive insurance, a plaintiff’s attorney announced that the Little Sisters of the Poor would form a collective bargaining unit and seek an exemption from ObamaCare.

“The nuns have sought refuge in a higher power,” according to an unnamed lawyer working on the case. “By incorporating as the International Sisterhood of Mercy Workers (Local 316), they hope to join the dozens of other organized labor groups that the Obama administration has shielded from the devastating impact of ObamaCare.”

The ISMW will reportedly devote itself to electing Democratic candidates, and to activism and lobbying in support of the party’s legislative agenda.

“The nuns have taken a vow of fundraising,” the attorney said, “and view their new calling as a sacred trust to be accepted on faith, just like any other union does.”

A White House spokesman said the president was “impressed with the sisters’ devotion, and inclined to reward their repentance.”

NSA Cracks al-Qaeda Snapchat Terror Ring

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Snapchat Logo

Snapchat’s database, just hacked by the NSA, contained a “surprising number” of young, female, topless al-Qaeda agents, according to sources in the Obama administration.

(2014-01-03) — The White House announced today that NSA code crackers hacked a key al-Qaeda Snapchat network, unmasking names and other identifying data of dozens of suspected terrorists–many of whom are surprisingly young, female and topless.

Snapchat is a social networking app that allows users to transmit text and photos designed to disappear from the recipient’s device within seconds. The ephemeral nature of the messages is what turned NSA staffers on to its possible use by the world’s best-known Islamist terror network.

However, unnamed sources admitted that Qaeda’s use of teenaged girls–posing in ways clearly forbidden by the Koran–initially surprised even seasoned espionage experts.

White House spokesman Jay Carney acknowledged that NSA cryptographers could take months to decode the secret messages, but added, “we have our best men on it day and night.”

He said the agency has shifted some analysts to the project who were winding up work on the NSA’s recently-successful Operation Target Shopper.

In the meantime, Carney said parents should inspect their teen’s smartphones and forward any suspicious pictures to the NSA.

The rare public revelation of an NSA covert operation seems aimed at critics who fault the secretive agency for its invasions of privacy, lack of accountability and paucity of demonstrable results in protecting Americans from attacks.

Obama Delays Start of 2014 by Executive Order

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(2013-12-31) — Citing the need to protect Americans from the impact of a sluggish economy, health care disruptions and international crises related to Iran, North Korea, Russia, Syria and elsewhere, the White House announced today that President Obama has delayed the start of 2014 by at least a year.

Obama reportedly signed the executive order in the presidential limo on his way to a golf course in Hawaii, and likened it to “taking a mulligan for 2013,” according to unnamed White House sources.

“Rushing into a new year with the lingering problems from 2013 makes little sense,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “By delaying the start of 2014, the president will be able to work with Democrats in Congress to bring closure to several high profile challenges, and to help voters avoid poor choices in November.”

In an official statement, President Obama said, “My decision to delay the new year until the next new year will allow all Americans to start 2014 with a clean slate — from the chief executive on down to the lowest ordinary person.”

Drunkards, Idolaters Urge A&E to Cancel ‘Duck Dynasty’

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Duck Dynasty

‘Duck Dynasty’ would be cancelled immediately if A&E hears the protests of America’s drunkards, idolaters and adulterers.

(2013-12-21) — More protest erupted Friday over ‘Duck Dynasty’ patriarch Phil Robertson’s remarks to GQ magazine, as drunkards, idolaters and adulterers across the nation called on A&E to cancel the most popular program in cable TV history.

“Phil Robertson’s drunkaphobic, idolaphobic and adulteraphobic attitudes have no place on the public airwaves,” according to an unnamed spokesman for a coalition of oppressed groups. “Robertson’s distortions of the Bible would have people believe that God condemns lifestyles that our members find satisfying.”

The source said most Americans have come to understand and accept that drunkenness, idolatry and marital infidelity are not mere behavioral choices, but fundamental aspects of personality that make each human unique and special.

“Why would a loving God want to deprive his people of the pleasure of just being who they are,” he said. “A&E should cancel ‘Duck Dynasty’ until Phil Robertson recants, and rejects his chosen lifestyle as a religious bigot.”