January 6th, 2014
If activists succeed, and Mayor de Blasio permits high-dose medicinal Coca-Cola use, some residents worry about the example set for children by obese, jittery patients. In this file photo, a frightened child struggles in vain to escape the grasp of one afflicted man.
(2014-01-06) — As New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo stands poised to issue an executive order re-instituting medicinal use of marijuana
, activists in the Big Apple are about to launch a public-relations campaign aimed at convincing Mayor Bill de Blasio to once again permit the use of high doses of Coca-Cola as a treatment for various ailments.
“We’re not addicts or anarchists,” said an unnamed spokesman for the group. “We’re responsible citizens with conditions that only Coca-Cola can alleviate.”
On its website and pamphlets the group heads off the classic slippery-slope argument, explicitly stating: “We are NOT in favor of recreational usage nor over the counter sales of high-dosages of Coca-Cola, but only physician-prescribed treatments.”
For years, New Yorkers were permitted to self-medicate, leading to the proliferation of street-corner dealers selling high doses at market prices. Some residents complained about the obese, jittery clientele and the unhealthful example they set for children. All of that came to an end under the Bloomberg administration, which banned sales of high-volume containers.
“Bloomberg’s heart was in the right place,” said the activist, “but people with legitimate needs for large quantities of the caramel-colored, carbonated elixir were cut off, driving many to despair, and of course, to the black market.”
January 6th, 2014
President Obama said he’ll “focus like a laser” for the remainder of his term on “closing the vast gulf between warmest and coldest.” Temperature inequality, as shown on this map, reached 127 degrees in recent days.
(2013-01-06) — The growing gap between warmest and coldest is “the penultimate defining challenge of our age,” President Obama announced just hours after returning to Washington D.C. following a two-week vacation in Hawaii.
“If Congress will not move to stop temperature inequality,” Obama said, “then I will. Living in one of the more advanced nations in North America, we can’t wait for the end of partisan bickering to pass sensible regulations.”
Moments after stepping off of Marine One at the White House, the president said “there’s no time for delay, because the thermal gap has grown noticeably even in the past couple of days.”
First Lady Michelle Obama, who remained in Hawaii while her husband and daughters returned to the east coast, noted that temperature inequality has impacted average Americans’ relationships, making distant family members grow cold.
While some scientists questioned whether the gap has grown, and whether legislation can do anything about it, the White House said those researchers lack credibility “because they don’t receive federal grants very soon.”
January 4th, 2014
Nuns from the Little Sisters of the Poor order say they should still have time to care for the indigent elderly after they form a labor union, and even more motivation “since some old folks still aren’t registered to vote.”
(2013-01-04) — Just hours after the Justice Department contested the Supreme Court delay of a federal mandate
for contraceptive insurance, a plaintiff’s attorney announced that the Little Sisters of the Poor would form a collective bargaining unit and seek an exemption from ObamaCare.
“The nuns have sought refuge in a higher power,” according to an unnamed lawyer working on the case. “By incorporating as the International Sisterhood of Mercy Workers (Local 316), they hope to join the dozens of other organized labor groups that the Obama administration has shielded from the devastating impact of ObamaCare.”
The ISMW will reportedly devote itself to electing Democratic candidates, and to activism and lobbying in support of the party’s legislative agenda.
“The nuns have taken a vow of fundraising,” the attorney said, “and view their new calling as a sacred trust to be accepted on faith, just like any other union does.”
A White House spokesman said the president was “impressed with the sisters’ devotion, and inclined to reward their repentance.”
January 3rd, 2014
Snapchat’s database, just hacked by the NSA, contained a “surprising number” of young, female, topless al-Qaeda agents, according to sources in the Obama administration.
(2014-01-03) — The White House announced today that NSA code crackers
hacked a key al-Qaeda Snapchat
network, unmasking names and other identifying data of dozens of suspected terrorists–many of whom are surprisingly young, female and topless.
Snapchat is a social networking app that allows users to transmit text and photos designed to disappear from the recipient’s device within seconds. The ephemeral nature of the messages is what turned NSA staffers on to its possible use by the world’s best-known Islamist terror network.
However, unnamed sources admitted that Qaeda’s use of teenaged girls–posing in ways clearly forbidden by the Koran–initially surprised even seasoned espionage experts.
White House spokesman Jay Carney acknowledged that NSA cryptographers could take months to decode the secret messages, but added, “we have our best men on it day and night.”
He said the agency has shifted some analysts to the project who were winding up work on the NSA’s recently-successful Operation Target Shopper.
In the meantime, Carney said parents should inspect their teen’s smartphones and forward any suspicious pictures to the NSA.
The rare public revelation of an NSA covert operation seems aimed at critics who fault the secretive agency for its invasions of privacy, lack of accountability and paucity of demonstrable results in protecting Americans from attacks.
December 31st, 2013
(2013-12-31) — Citing the need to protect Americans from the impact of a sluggish economy, health care disruptions and international crises related to Iran, North Korea, Russia, Syria and elsewhere, the White House announced today that President Obama has delayed the start of 2014 by at least a year.
Obama reportedly signed the executive order in the presidential limo on his way to a golf course in Hawaii, and likened it to “taking a mulligan for 2013,” according to unnamed White House sources.
“Rushing into a new year with the lingering problems from 2013 makes little sense,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “By delaying the start of 2014, the president will be able to work with Democrats in Congress to bring closure to several high profile challenges, and to help voters avoid poor choices in November.”
In an official statement, President Obama said, “My decision to delay the new year until the next new year will allow all Americans to start 2014 with a clean slate — from the chief executive on down to the lowest ordinary person.”
December 21st, 2013
‘Duck Dynasty’ would be cancelled immediately if A&E hears the protests of America’s drunkards, idolaters and adulterers.
(2013-12-21) — More protest erupted Friday over ‘Duck Dynasty’ patriarch Phil Robertson’s remarks to GQ magazine, as drunkards, idolaters and adulterers across the nation called on A&E to cancel the most popular program in cable TV history.
“Phil Robertson’s drunkaphobic, idolaphobic and adulteraphobic attitudes have no place on the public airwaves,” according to an unnamed spokesman for a coalition of oppressed groups. “Robertson’s distortions of the Bible would have people believe that God condemns lifestyles that our members find satisfying.”
The source said most Americans have come to understand and accept that drunkenness, idolatry and marital infidelity are not mere behavioral choices, but fundamental aspects of personality that make each human unique and special.
“Why would a loving God want to deprive his people of the pleasure of just being who they are,” he said. “A&E should cancel ‘Duck Dynasty’ until Phil Robertson recants, and rejects his chosen lifestyle as a religious bigot.”
December 20th, 2013
As his daughters look on, President Obama mercifully pardons thousands of Americans who lost their health plans and failed to sign up for new coverage at HealthCare.gov.
(2013-12-20) — With the December 23rd deadline ominously looming for Americans to sign up for insurance policies at HealthCare.gov, President Obama last night granted executive pardons
to “potential ObamaCare criminals” whose insurance carriers cancelled their policies, but who have thus far failed to enroll in new plans.
The blanket pardon follows similar acts of presidential mercy recently doled out to convicted crack dealers and Thanksgiving turkeys.
The White House said newly-pardoned “imminent offenders” will be allowed to purchase sub-standard plans, or to continue without health insurance through 2014, and to perform 40 hours of community service to atone for their “crimes of omission.”
Although the federal government will officially view the pardon recipients as full citizens, “with all rights customarily conferred upon them by the executive branch,” nevertheless, the stigma might be tough to shake.
“Let’s face it,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “These people were about to violate a federal law, so their neighbors might be justifiably wary of them.”
The president emphasizes that there’s little likely threat to public safety, but encourages all law-abiding citizens to “take the ordinary precautions of locking doors, and of keeping an eye on your children until all your neighbors have fully obeyed the Affordable Care Act.”
December 19th, 2013
Phil Robertson, star of A&E’s ‘Duck Dynasty’, said he’s humbled by President Obama’s support, after losing his job due to comments about homosexuality.
(2013-12-19) — Calling A&E’s suspension of ‘Duck Dynasty’ patriarch Phil Robertson “a chilling crackdown on free speech in an artistic community that should value individual expression,” President Barack Obama today urged the Arts & Entertainment network to reinstate Robertson immediately, and to apologize for its “hypocrisy.”
“There are no bigger fans of Duck Dynasty than Michele and me,” Obama said. “And while I have my disagreements with Mr. Robertson’s views on homosexuality, as expressed in GQ magazine, I’ll defend with my last breath Robertson’s right to express those views.”
The White House acknowledged that the private company has the right to fire Robertson for expressing his opinion, based on the Bible, that homosexuality is one kind of sin among many.
“But the president felt compelled to speak out,” said press secretary Jay Carney, “because his silence might be perceived as assent among his many entertainment industry supporters who hold freedom of expression in the highest esteem.”
Indeed, the Screen Actors Guild, Writers Guild of America and dozens of A-list movie and TV stars issued news releases or held press conferences echoing the president’s call to let Robertson return to the highest-rated show in the history of cable television.
“A chill wind is blowing in this nation,” said actor-director Tim Robbins. “It’s great to see President Obama speaking out against ideological intimidation that masquerades as tolerance and diversity.”
December 17th, 2013
(2013-12-17) — Organizing for Action (OFA) today announced that it will boost the rolls of the insured under ObamaCare by making the president’s signature health insurance law an “opt-out” feature for millions of young Americans already in its Obama campaign donor database.
“The best thing is, these new health insurance customers don’t have to do anything to join,” according to a confidential internal OFA memo. “If a donor gave $3 to the campaign at any time since 2008, he opted-in to ObamaCare. Of course, anyone can opt out at any time, with 12-24 months notice.”
The group had spent millions of dollars promoting ObamaCare to the younger generation with little success, when organizers suddenly realized the solution was right under their noses.
“It was like we were wearing the ruby slippers and didn’t realize their power,” said one unnamed OFA official.
“We have this massive donor list of young people who already agree with President Obama and who want him to succeed, and we already have their credit card numbers and PayPal debit agreements,” she said. “So, we’re just going to cross-reference that with the NSA and IRS lists, sign them up for ObamaCare, and hope enough of them don’t opt out to keep the plan afloat–at least through November.”
December 14th, 2013
President Obama will personally drop the ball on New Year’s Eve in Times Square symbolically inviting young Americans to enroll in his signature health care plan.
(2013-12-14) — In a major effort to induce young people to sign up for coverage at HealthCare.gov, the White House announced today that the Department of Health and Human Services will be “the marquee sponsor of midnight” on New Year’s Eve in Times Square, and that “President Obama will follow singer Miley Cyrus
, and personally drop the ball.”
“Millions of young Americans watch the countdown in Times Square,” said press secretary Jay Carney. “The president thinks it’s a great way to visually connect and to let them know that enrolling at HealthCare.gov is hip, it’s happening, it’s now.”
Carney added that Obama hopes that “young people certainly don’t miss the symbolism as the glittering orb descends from its lofty perch and is subsumed in the melee of humanity below.”
Unconfirmed reports last month indicated that the president would name HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius as “the official ball dropper,” but that he changed his mind after HealthCare.gov “started virtually functioning for the vast minority of users.”
The sponsorship decision has already paid off, according to ABC-TV, which announced that New Year’s Eve show host Dick Clark, 84, decided to enroll in ObamaCare because “I can’t be declined due to preexisting conditions.”
The President reportedly sent Mr. Clark a handwritten thank-you note, like the ones he has mailed to each enrollee so far.