November 21st, 2013
(2013-11-21) — In order to lighten the load on the HealthCare.gov website, the White House announced today that each county in the nation will have one designated individual to apply for high-quality, low-cost healthcare on behalf of the citizens of that county.
Because the website is not designed to handle as many as 3,144 users at once, the Department of Health and Human Services will sponsor a televised contest among the chosen representatives, and citizens of the survivor’s county will get to move to the head of the ObamaCare application line.
“I know we’ve made some false steps and suffered some stumbles,” said President Obama about his signature legislation’s rollout, “but I’m confident that this is the final solution.”
The move, implemented by Executive Order No. 12345 late last night, “not only begins to address the challenge of America’s under-crowded medical waiting rooms,” the president said. “But it does so in an entertaining way, inspiring each American to cheer on his or her player, and to hope for the best.”
“While I’m sure Republican skeptics will predict failure,” Mr. Obama added, “I can already see this idea catching fire.”
November 19th, 2013
The Oxford English Dictionary named ‘selfie’ the 2013 word of the year, while dropping its entry for the word ‘dictionary’ to “free up space for stuff people actually use,” according to the publisher.
(2013-11-19) — The publisher of the Oxford English Dictionary announced today that ‘selfie’ is the 2013 word of the year
just hours before announcing that its next edition would not include an entry for the word ‘dictionary’, which has fallen into disuse.
“There’s no point to including a definition of the word ‘dictionary’ at a time when people care neither for precision in spelling nor for accuracy in usage, and when they’re bereft of intellectual curiosity about etymology,” said an unnamed spokesman for Oxford. “We briefly mulled a truncated definition like ‘dictionary: ask your grandparents,’ but so many grandparents still don’t have Twitter accounts.”
The term ‘selfie’ skyrocketed in colloquial usage thanks to ubiquitous cellphone cameras, and to the difficulty of mounting a mirror bracket to one’s skull.
October 7th, 2013
(2013-10-07) — The failure of the new ObamaCare health insurance exchange website came as “a bolt from the blue” to the IT staff in the Obama administration, especially because the system had been thoroughly beta-tested for nearly a year among the Amish community in rural Lancaster, Pennsylvania. HealthCare.gov servers buckled under traffic five times greater than the maximum anticipated volume.
“We were firing on all cylinders during the prototype stage,” said an unnamed IT staffer at HealthCare.gov. “Page-load times were measured in minutes rather than the current hours, and that was after heavy local TV promotion soliciting Amish beta customers.”
The crew that coded Amish.HealthCare.gov said the telephone hotline was “practically silent” turning the trial period, meaning that virtually no problems were reported with the system.
“We thought we were, as NASA says, ‘Go at throttle up.’” the source said. “The fact that people now report they can’t login after dozens of attempts for almost a week is a real mystery to us.”
A White House spokesman said the president is “focused like a laser” on solving the problem.
“We just posted an invitation to our Amish beta-tester forum,” said Press Secretary Jay Carney, “We’re asking for volunteers to fly from Lancaster down to D.C. later today to do a focus group so we can get to the bottom of this.”
September 18th, 2013
(2013-09-18) — Russian President Vladimir Putin today stepped in to deescalate tensions between the White House and Republicans in Congress over ObamaCare. At this hour, it’s shaping up to be the Russian statesman’s second diplomatic triumph, just days after he convinced Syria to hand over its chemical weapons to the U.N..
Putin intervened after an Obama administration official, in what was later described as a “gaffe”, said Obama would drop his plans to deploy ObamaCare on the American people if Republican leaders would “abandon their party’s fiscal conservatism,” and back a number of sweeping new spending initiatives, new powers for the NSA, and new “limits on unreasonable freedom of the press.”
“I called Rep. Boehner and Sen. McConnell.” said Putin, “and explained Obama’s offer. They immediately accepted.”
A spokesman for Congressional Republicans denied that GOP leaders had “caved,” and claimed they lost nothing in the deal.
White House spokesman Jay Carney said Putin was able to broker the deal because of the way President Obama “projected strength” by playing golf in the midst of crisis.
Carney noted that while ObamaCare “as we know it” is now legally dead, the offer wasn’t a gaffe, because “we always planned to implement it by executive order and regulatory rulings anyway. We’re still on Plan A.”
June 7th, 2013
Officials say this is one of many billions of ‘selfies’ capture by the NSA’s recently-revealed Homeland Defense Selfie Database. Experts cautioned that Americans shouldn’t draw conclusions from isolated images, nor should people be concerned about violations of their right to privacy, because the government is protecting that.
President Obama today said unspecified terror attacks may have been thwarted by a recently-revealed NSA program to track every photographic self-portrait by Americans shot with a handheld camera phone and uploaded to Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest or elsewhere on the internet.
The existence of the secret NSA-HDSD (Homeland Defense Selfie Database) emerged over the weekend, and the trove is said to contain hundreds of billions of arm’s-length shots, bathroom mirror shots, and even “inadvertent selfies” snapped by people trying to take pictures through car windows.
NSA officials would not comment on the program, nor confirm reports from an unnamed leaker that even ephemeral SnapChat pictures are swept up in its dragnet.
“Terrorists are at their core, narcissists,” Obama said. “They want to make a big name for themselves posthumously, and many of them can’t resist snapping a selfie standing in front of their intended targets…you know, throwing a gang sign or making the classic kissy face or pouty face.”
The White House assured the American public that the program is reviewed every 90 days by a FISA Court judge, and that selfies by innocent non-combatants are “disposed of in a timely manner for the most part.”
May 1st, 2013
President Obama preemptively praised an unnamed NBA player as a “civil rights trailblazer” when he learned the pro athlete will soon ‘come out’ as a Brony.”
President Obama said he’s proud of an as-yet-unnamed NBA free agent slated to “come out” later this week as a Brony. The mystery basketball pro has reportedly led a secret life as a devotee of the “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” animated series, and until now was unwilling to admit “who I really am” to his teammates.
Upon learning of the imminent revelation, the president phoned the Brony-ballplayer to praise him in advance as a “civil rights trailblazer,” and to tell him that his openness about his true identity will “surely pave the way for other prominent public figures to come out of the shadows.”
The White House, however, denied rumors that the president himself is a closeted Brony, but cautioned that the denial doesn’t imply that anything would be wrong if he were.
The player, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the president’s personal involvement overwhelms him, and makes his pending announcement seem much more significant — or in his words, “bigger than Benghazi.”
The NBA and the players’ union immediately unveiled a program designed “to ease the transition for Brony players, and to create an atmosphere of tolerance, acceptance, and recognition of the outstanding achievements that closeted Bronies have made to the game for years.”
April 29th, 2013
President Obama embraced diversity as far back as last August when he hugged Charlotte Mayor Anthony Foxx, who he has now nominated as Transportation Secretary.”
At Saturday night’s White House Correspondents’ dinner, Conan O’Brien joked that President Obama’s hair is now “whiter than his Cabinet,” but today’s announcement that Charlotte Mayor Anthony Foxx is Obama’s pick for Transportation Secretary made that joke fall flat.
The White House noted that the president’s choice to replace outgoing Secretary Ray LaHood, is a Black man, whereas LaHood is White. The administration noted that Foxx spoke at the Democrat National Convention “as an African-American.”
The Republican National Convention immediately tweeted: “What’s up with Obama’s #WarOnBlackMayors? Another one bites the dust.”
But the White House said critiques of the president’s record on race are unfair.
“The fact that Mayor Foxx is only the first black appointee of the second Obama administration doesn’t overshadow the president’s longstanding commitment to diversity,” said spokesman Jay Carney, who is White. “The president has no bias against African-Americans. In fact, some of the president’s best friends are Black.”
April 18th, 2013
Sen. Max Baucus told the HHS Secretary Wednesday he thinks Obamacare implementation is “a huge train wreck.” The White House released a statement noting that Sen. Baucus “looks just like late night TV star David Letterman.”
After Montana Democrat Sen. Max Baucus Wednesday told the Health and Human Services Secretary that Obamacare implementation looks like “a huge train wreck” the White House released a statement noting that “train wrecks would be covered under the Affordable Care Act, including preexisting train wrecks, like Medicaid.”
Sen. Baucus should not be alarmed at the chaos and confusion surrounding the startup of state-based health care exchanges and the expansion of Medicaid, slated to begin October 1, the White House said.
“Not only will train wrecks be covered,” according to the Obama administration, “but also injuries caused by clown cars and goat rodeos. So, the senator has nothing to worry about. The federal government has a long track record of consistent performance in delivering personal services in a way that most people have come to expect from government.”
Press Secretary Jay Carney added, “As the president has said, under Obamacare, you can keep your own deficit and it won’t add a dime to your doctor.”
April 17th, 2013
Downtown Boston remains desolate as mayor announces surrender to unnamed terrorists.
The City of Boston today agreed to surrender to “al Qaeda, or whoever did this” just two days after two bombs exploded near the finish line of the Boston Marathon, killing three and wounding 170.
Standing in the middle of the utterly-deserted downtown, the mayor told a few remaining journalists that he would sign terms of surrender, abdicate his office and “effectively hand the keys to the city over to the agent, or group, that has brought Boston to a standstill, and has kept us all cowering in our homes wondering what to do next.”
This would be the first time in recent memory that a U.S. city has capitulated to terrorists, and surrendered its sovereignty. But sources close to the mayor noted that Boston, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and the American people “lack both the resources and the resolve to stand up to occasional, seemingly-random attacks.”
The official signing ceremony and transfer of power awaits the revelation of the identity of the victorious conqueror.
Meanwhile, in Pakistan, the Palestinian territory, and throughout the Muslim world, mobs of cheering people chanted, “Boston has fallen, Braintree is next.”