Pelosi: Abortion Could Prevent Border Refugee Crisis

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(2014-06-30) — Rep. Nancy Pelosi, during a visit to a Texas holding facility for immigrant children — among the 52,000 who have flooded across the U.S. southern border illegally since October — told reporters, “It’s a shame that all of these beautiful boys and girls couldn’t have been spared this hardship through timely abortions at reasonable prices.”

Nancy Pelosi

If not for previous elective surgery, Rep. Nancy Pelosi  said she would have blinked back tears upon seeing immigrant children from Central America in a Border Patrol holding facility in Brownsville, Texas. Pelosi got emotional “as a grandmother and a Catholic” when she considered that “these refugees could have been prevented through timely abortions.”

“This is a humanitarian crisis that was entirely avoidable through parental choice,” Pelosi said. “We have a moral responsibility to address this in a dignified way, and for Democrats, that means going upstream to prevent this river of refugees by cutting off the source.”

The House Minority Leader said her “heart goes out” to all of the parents, back in their home countries, whose “hope for their children’s future is tainted by the knowledge that the devastating choice of sending them unaccompanied across the border could have been prevented if only they could have aborted that mass of cells in the first place.”

An unnamed Pelosi aide said she would introduce legislation in the coming days that would allow undocumented pregnant immigrants, without regard to gender, to have free abortions in the U.S., and then to apply for legal status using the aborted child as a “sponsor.” The so-called “Anchor Fetus Act” already has enough votes to pass the Senate.

 

Former IRS Boss Used Snapchat for Official Business

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Lerner Snapchat

Former IRS director Lois Lerner’s use of Snapchat for work-related messages was discovered when this screen capture was lifted from the iPhone of a Democrat lawmaker during a Congressional hearing about IRS targeting of Tea Party groups.

(2014-06-26) — Former IRS director Lois Lerner’s communications with the Obama White House, and others related the the Tea Party targeting scandal, can never be retrieved, unnamed sources now admit, because she used the ephemeral social messaging app, Snapchat, for all of her work messages.

The Snapchat app on Lerner’s iPhone allowed her to send photo and text messages that vanish from the receiver’s device within 10 seconds or less, thereby leaving no information trail for Congressional investigators to follow.

The IRS admits that Ms. Lerner “didn’t follow the law” regarding official communications, but that “she didn’t break it either, since there’s no specific mention of Snapchat in the statutes or regs.”

Lerner’s attorney said his client will not make her own camera roll available for Congressional inspection, since it may contain “cat-related screen captures of a personal nature,” unrelated to the allegations in question.

 

 

Panel Concludes Drone Strikes “Freakin’ Awesome”

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(2014-06-26) — A long-awaited report by a nonpartisan Washington think tank on the use and legality of drone strikes by the United States against terrorist targets has concluded that the practice is “freakin’ awesome,” although it’s a “slippery slope” that could lead to “perpetual war” conducted in secret with no presidential accountability.

Predator drone pilots

A report from the nonpartisan Stimson Center on Predator Drone usage concludes that serious legal questions remain unanswered, “but squeezing off Hellfire missiles on terrorist targets 5,000 miles away — well, YOLO.”

“It was like the greatest video game ever,” according to the report from the Stimson Center, whose investigation included site visits to operational outposts to observe pilots maneuvering Predator Drones remotely over targets, from thousands of miles away.

“You’ve got all these high-def screens, and super-sensitive controls,” the report documented. “It’s like you’re really in a war, but you have to keep reminding yourself that you’re not. And you only need to touch the trigger and the earth explodes all around the bad guy. I mean that terrorist is pwned! It’s incredibly realistic.”

President Obama, upon hearing these excerpts of the report, said, “I know. Right?”

GOP: Obama Tanks Economy to Distract from Scandals

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(2014-06-25) — Just hours after the Commerce Department revised economic growth figures for the first quarter of 2014 dramatically downward, a spokesman for Republicans in Congress said President Obama is “tanking the economy to distract from Benghazi, IRS, NSA and other scandals which threaten to bring down his presidency.”

Unemployment line

Republicans released this picture of Americans lining up to learn more about Obama administration scandals involving Benghazi, the IRS, the VA, the NSA and Obamacare.

The U.S. economy reportedly shrank 2.9 percent from January to March this year, according to the new numbers from Commerce, but a GOP lawmaker immediately questioned the reliability of the data.

“I’ll believe the economy is in its worst shape in five years when I see the original emails from the Commerce Secretary to the president,” the unnamed Republican lawmaker said. “Now, the left-wing media will be chattering about the pathetic, moribund economy instead of what we Republicans have been talking about for several years. The timing of this is just a little too convenient, if you ask me.”

The unnamed lawmaker emphasized that he’s not a “conspiracy nut.”

However, he added, “Why do you think they released this horrible economic news in the midst of public uproar about the V.A. scandal, the IRS losing emails and Obamacare — not to mention the president being caught on camera reaching over the sneeze shield at Chipotle?”

A White House spokesman rejected the allegations, noting that, “The president learned about the lousy economy on the news, just like most Americans — or at least like the ones who didn’t already know about it because of losing a job, or losing their insurance, or having their adult son run up from the basement to tell them what he just saw on Twitter.”

High Court: Cops Can’t Search Cellphone, Must Ask NSA

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(2014-06-25) — In a rare unanimous ruling on a civil rights issue, the U.S. Supreme Court today ruled that it’s unconstitutional for local police to search the contents of your cellphone.

The Court declared that if local law enforcement wants to access that data, they’ll have to ask the National Security Agency (NSA) to provide it.

Smartphone

The threat of local police doing warrantless searches on cellphones has spurred sales of the Samsung Tabula Rasa, the first smartphone that neither stores nor displays user-generated content.

“The Fourth Amendment to the Constitution guarantees the right of the people to be secure in their persons and property from unreasonable searches and seizures,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts on behalf of the Court. “Allowing Barney Fife to poke around your Pinterest violates the letter and the spirit of the Constitution.”

The Chief Justice noted that the practice is not only unconstitutional, but unnecessary, since the NSA already has all of that data and more, stored in its secret server farms.

“Why should the local district attorney waste resources hacking a phone,” Roberts wrote, “when the NSA could simply send him the zip file?”

 

 

Viral Story Hoax: Obama Not Kicked Out of KFC

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(2014-06-24) — Despite a widely-circulated story to the contrary, President Barack Obama was not asked to leave a KFC restaurant due to “hideously ugly” executive actions he has taken recently.

Obama at Chipotle

The White House said there’s no truth to the rumor, started by a KFC employee, that the president was ejected from a D.C. Chipotle for violating hygiene rules with this reach over the sneeze shield.

“We did not ask the president to vacate the premises,” the KFC night manager said. “We serve anyone here, and never discriminate on the basis of repugnant policies, or the unconstitutional methods through which they might be implemented.”

The KFC official added that they could “neither confirm nor deny that Obama had dined at this location.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re thinking of Chipotle,” she said. “I heard they kicked Obama out of there when he reached over the sneeze shield and contaminated a whole batch of refried beans.”

President Obama offered no comment on the Chipotle controversy, noting that he “just heard about it on the news, like most Americans.”

 

Michelle Obama Denies Calling Clinton ‘Hildebeest’

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(2014-06-23) — Putting to rest allegations in the controversial new book, “Blood Feud,” the White House today said First Lady Michelle Obama and presidential adviser Valerie Jarrett do not refer to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton by a derogatory name in private conversations.

Wildebeest and Hillary Clinton

The Office of First Lady Michelle Obama released this side-by-side comparison of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and a wildebeest to “highlight the absurdity of allegations in a new book that Mrs. Obama refers to Mrs. Clinton, privately, as ‘Hildebeest.'” An attached document noted at least seven obvious distinctions between the two.

“Secretary Clinton served our nation with honor and distinction,” First Lady Obama reportedly said. “It’s beneath the dignity of her several offices to call Secretary Clinton ‘Hildebeest’, especially here, under the very roof where she served as First Lady.”

The statement, on Office of the First Lady letterhead, went on to explain that “‘Hildebeest’ is a derogatory term because it combines Mrs. Clinton’s name with that of an African bovine, suggesting that she’s, in some way, like a wild cow. Yet, almost nothing could be further from the truth.”

“For example,” Mrs. Obama’s statement continued, “Wildebeests do not mate for life, but Secretary Clinton has been married to her husband for many years. So it would make almost no sense to call her ‘Hildebeest’.”

The statement also noted that wildebeests have coarse dry skin, and shaggy manes, but Mrs. Obama noted that Hillary Clinton’s hair is “nearly always neatly groomed.”

“For the record,” Mrs. Obama’s statement concluded, “If I had called Hillary Clinton ‘Hildebeest’ I would have apologized, but I did not call her ‘Hildebeest.’

Obama Extends Benefits to Non-Government Workers

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(2014-06-20) — As President Obama announced today that he’ll use executive orders to extend marriage benefits to same sex couples employed by the government and its contractors, the president surprised many by declaring he would give such benefits to another marginalized group.

Obama family

President Obama and First Lady Michelle took the girls for a walk recently to tell them that “Daddy’s going to give you government benefits for life, even if you don’t get a job in government.”

Under the draft plan, non-government employees — long treated as second-class citizens — would qualify for the sumptuous health care, pension, travel stipends, leisurely work pace and other benefits traditionally conferred only upon those who draw their paychecks from the U.S. Treasury.

“In America, we don’t discriminate against you because of who you worship, who you love or who you work for,” the president said at a White House news conference.

“This decision was very personal for Michelle and me,” Mr. Obama added. “We looked at our beautiful daughters and thought, ‘What if Sasha can’t get a government job? What if Malia winds up working in a factory or the service industry? Shouldn’t they be treated equally with their neighbors who are employed by the taxpayers?'”

Advisers admit the president’s views on government benefits for non-government employees have “evolved” during the past few years, and he wasn’t ready to go public with his new position, but an aggressively inquisitive White House press corps forced his hand.

In a vain attempt to prevent the news from leaking out, the White House communications office had confined Vice President Joe Biden to his residence, and locked down his Twitter account. But many Washington observers thought Mr. Obama tipped his hand with moves to extend unemployment benefits, raise the minimum wage and take over the private health care system.

Redskins’ New Name to Honor Indian Casino Heritage

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(2014-06-19) — In the wake of yesterday’s ruling by a federal agency that the Washington Redskins do not enjoy trademark protection for their team name because it’s offensive to some Native Americans, the franchise owner is reportedly considering “bringing the name up to date in a way that reflects more recent Native American traditions.”

Obama on reservation

President Obama applauded federal action stripping exclusive rights to the name ‘Redskins’ from Washington’s NFL franchise. Obama is seen here in a file photo at a ceremony to mark the erection of thousands of power-generating wind turbines on Indian land. The tribal chief made a speech thanking the president, and giving him the honorary Indian name “Eagle Killer.”

According to unnamed NFL sources, the short list of potential new names includes “The Washington Craps Dealers,” since the Trademark and Trial Appeal Board of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office ruled that the name “Redskins” is disparaging, and not a badge of honor as team owners have claimed for years.

A White House spokesman said President Obama applauds the trademark ruling, which means that the Redskins’ owner can no longer sue for trademark infringement, “even if a thousand other businesses steal the name and use it on their products.”

“Finally,” the president said, “Native Americans get justice against a white man.”

Sources say other team names under consideration would acknowledge…

  • the relationship between the U.S. government and the Indian tribes — “The Washington Dependents,” or
  • the rich Native American tradition of overcoming addiction to distilled spirits — “The Washington 12-Steppers,” or
  • the freedom from daily toil enjoyed by many on Indian reservations — “The Washington Jobless.”

 

Obama Scolds USA Soccer Team for Beating Ghana

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(2014-06-17) — At a Rose Garden ceremony today, President Obama officially rebuked the U.S. soccer team for its victory over Ghana in yesterday’s World Cup match, noting that the shocking outcome merely “exacerbates the negative image that African nations have of America as a bully and oppressor.”

Secretary of State Kerry doing ball tricks

Secretary of State John Kerry practices a trick he hopes to perform for the president of Ghana as goodwill gesture following President Obama’s apology for his nation’s treatment of the Ghanian national soccer team this week.

“Worse than the way the Americans treated Ghana on the field,” said Obama, “is the unseemly crowing afterward, and all the chanting of “USA! USA!” I don’t think people realize how offensive that is to African ears…I’m told.”

This morning, Mr. Obama called the president of Ghana, John Dramani Mahama, to apologize for the incident, which he admitted “seems reminiscent of the arrogant era of Western conquest and colonialism.”

The White House said the president dispatched Secretary of State John Kerry to the region for a seven-nation African apology tour. Mr. Kerry will bring the message that “the African continent was the cradle of humanity, and therefore, the birthplace of soccer…and everything else.”

Secretary Kerry will follow that mission with another tour to apologize for incorrectly calling the sport “soccer,” admitting that Americans “stole its proper name — ‘football’ — for our own brutal sport.”