Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Obama’s 11th Hour Appeal: Please Don’t Vote Democrat

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Obama in Oval Office

Obama wrote his final midterm election appeal in the Oval Office, between phone calls from Democrat candidates who begged him to endorse them, and to speak at their campaign events.

(2014-10-29) — With less than a week before the pivotal midterm elections, and with polls showing Republicans may take control of the U.S. Senate thanks to President Obama’s dismal popularity numbers, Obama today made his final appeal to voters.

“Please don’t vote Democrat,” the president said in a video recorded in the Oval Office. “I’m personally asking you to remember what I promised, and what I’ve delivered, and to trust me again when I say, don’t vote Democrat on November 4th.”

The White House said the president’s “Don’t Vote Democrat” message is backed by his record, and his credibility, and was recorded at the request of Democrat Congressional candidates.

“Right now,” said White House press secretary Josh Earnest, “the best thing the president can do to assure election of a Democratic Senate majority is to vigorously oppose Democratic candidates everywhere.”

To drive home the message of the video, Obama then rehearsed his accomplishments:

“If you liked your doctor and you kept your doctor, then please don’t vote Democrat.

If you’re now paying $2,500-a-year less for your health insurance, don’t vote Democrat.

If you feel safer from terrorists and infectious disease, and if America’s enhanced stature around the world — including our restarted relations with Russia, friendship with Israel, and the peace that’s descended on Iraq since I pulled the troops out — if that all makes you feel more secure, then don’t vote Democrat.

If the closing of Gitmo brings tears of joy to your eyes, and if the new civil tone in Washington, and greater brotherhood among racial groups makes you feel part of one nation under God, don’t vote Democrat.

If you look at the NSA and the IRS and they remind you that ‘government is simply what we do together,’ then don’t vote Democrat.

If you’re making more money at work, and spending more time on vacation and leisure, please don’t vote Democrat.

And finally, if your kid found a job right out of college, and you can make your basement a game room and workshop again, please don’t vote Democrat.”

 

On “Columbus Day,” Seattle Gives Town Back to Tribes

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Seattle returns land to native tribes

Seattle residents cheerfully flee their city aboard Segways after the town council deeded the municipal land back to the indigenous tribes, to whom it rightfully belongs.

(2014-10-12) — After the Seattle, Washington, city council voted to rename the traditional Columbus Day holiday as “Indigenous Peoples’ Day,” the legislative body immediately began the process of returning all of the land within the city limits to the descendants of the native peoples who once inhabited the territory.

“Starting with Christopher Columbus, the invading European hordes stole the land of these gentle, peace-loving native peoples, whose ancestors have dwelt here since they were single-cell microscopic animals,” said an unnamed council spokesman. “We stole their land. It’s as wrong today as it was then, and we’ve never made reparations for this crime…until now.”

The 84-square-mile tract will now be divided up among the tribal governments of the Lummi, Nooksack, Tulalip, Sauk-Suiattle, Swinomish, Puyallup, and Colville peoples, as well as 22 other tribes in the region.

Bus stations, airports, and automobile charging stations were overwhelmed with the crowds of Seattle residents eager to fulfill the demands of social justice, in some cases abandoning their homes without even packing their belongings.

“This is the ideal way to atone for the wickedness we have enabled with our previous celebrations of Columbus Day,” said one Seattle man, headed inland aboard his Segway. “I don’t know where I’ll go now, but that’s hashtag first-world problem.”

 

Holder to Walk: Attorney General Leaving Fast, Furious

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BREAKING

Obama and Holder in Oval Office

This file photo shows a recent Oval Office meeting between outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder, and President Obama. They discussed where Obama might purchase a necktie.

(2014-09-25) — A Justice Department source says Attorney General Eric Holder hopes to leave his post fast, furious with opponents’ attacks on his tenure as the nation’s top law enforcement officer.

President Obama, reportedly, plans to just “let him walk.”

“Of course, Obama will always know where Holder is,” the unnamed source said. “Such a powerful person is easy to trace, in case the president needs to shoot him an email, or has a legal concern that’s sort of borderline.”

Friends and associates say the Attorney General hopes to “get a job in the private sector where the cops won’t hassle him just because he’s black.”

Romney Lists Factors That Would Spark 2016 Run

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Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney insisted again this week that he’s not running for president in 2016, “unless it’s inevitable.”

(2014-08-28) — Despite his oft-stated reluctance to mount a third White House bid, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney confessed to a talk radio host this week that he would reluctantly jump into the race “if circumstances change.”

“I loved running for president, and I’ll never do it again,” Romney said, adding that, “One should never say never,” and that life on the campaign trail was “a grueling ordeal that sorely taxed my family.”

“So Anne and I agreed that 2012 would be the last time,” he said, “unless, of course, a 2016 campaign is inevitable, and that would be understandably unavoidable.”

Pressed to list the kinds of “circumstances” which might trigger a change of heart, Romney said, “Well, these are such one-in-a-million long-shots that it’s hardly worth discussing, but let’s say I learned that one of the leading GOP candidates got indicted, or…

  • just couldn’t escape the shadow of his isolationist libertarian father, or
  • were soft on gun rights, or
  • actually hugged Obama just before election day in 2012, or
  • had no previous political experience, or
  • had thinning hair, or
  • lost his Senate seat by 18 points, or
  • had parents born in India or Cuba, or
  • had leaned toward amnesty for illegal immigrants, or
  • was related by blood to George W. Bush, or
  • swelled up like a blowfish since his last campaign, or
  • used even more hair product than I do.

“That’s what it would take,” Romney said. “Really far out stuff. But, otherwise, the answer is still ‘No’. And that’s a firm conditional ‘No’.”

GOP Balks, House Democrats Move to Impeach Obama

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Nancy Pelosi

Democratic House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi shakes her fist in rage against Republicans as she announces that she’ll file articles of impeachment against President Barack Obama in September, in advance of the next Congressional campaign-finance reporting deadline.

(2014-08-04) — Because House Republicans have steadfastly refused to impeach President Barack Obama, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) today announced that her caucus would advance articles of impeachment against the president in early September.

The move comes in the run-up to the 2014 midterm elections, as Democrat fundraising goals outstrip receipts, and some polls show the GOP could recapture the Senate.

“An attack on the president is an attack on all Americans,” Rep. Pelosi said. “Republicans, deep in their hearts, have wanted to impeach President Obama since before he was senator. We Democrats will introduce these articles of impeachment to unmask the true feelings of most Republicans, and to give Democratic lawmakers the opportunity to stand boldly at his side.”

A fundraising letter immediate went out from the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee with the subject line, “GOP-Run House Tries to Impeach President Obama!”

White House spokesman Josh Earnest, called the impending impeachment “no surprise given the hostility of Republicans toward America’s first black president.”

“The fact that the Democrats had to launch this impeachment effort,” Earnest said, “is just another example of John Boehner’s do-nothing Republican majority.”

President Obama, informed of his looming impeachment, reportedly said, “Cha-ching.”

Justice Ginsburg to Stay, ‘So Am As Can Able Do To’

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Supreme Court Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg released this recent photograph as additional evidence of her fitness to remain on the high court.

(2014-08-01) — Supreme Court Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, under pressure from Democrats to retire before a potential Republican majority takes the Senate, said this week that she’ll remain on the highest court in the land, “So am as can able do to, and perhaps longer.”

The octogenarian Liberal jurist said she’s monitoring her own ability to do the job, and will know when it’s time to go based on several indicators.

“Can you think as carbuncle masticate curmudgeon? Can you wrote fluidity pastoral semper fi? At my age, you take it year by hamstring staplegun cantaloupe. I’m OK this year.”

Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said he has spoken informally with Ginsburg at a D.C. social event and that “she’s as lucid and intellectually-sharp as ever I’ve seen her. I’m comfortable with her extending her tenure on the Court.”

Robert Redford to Play Dan Rather in Talking Picture

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(2014-07-10) — Robert Redford will reportedly portray Dan Rather on the silver screen in the upcoming talkie called ‘Truth’, according to sources in Hollywood.

A talkie is a motion picture with a synchronized soundtrack so that the audience in the cinema can actually hear the actors’ words, rather than reading them from cards.

Robert Redford to play Dan Rather

Dashing Robert Redford will play doggedly determined Dan Rather in the new Hollywood talkie, ‘Truth.’

American teens will doubtless thrill at the opportunity to see the boyishly handsome Mr. Redford as the passionate reporter, so committed to ‘Truth’ that he’s willing to use forged documents to get at it.

The story recalls Mr. Rather’s efforts to faithfully cover George W. Bush’s presidential reelection campaign by showing that Bush’s Vietnam-era National Guard service kept him stateside, out of harm’s way, thanks to the influence of his powerful father, George H.W. Bush.

Rather’s dogged pursuit of truth led him, ultimately, away from his 24-year career as anchor of the CBS Evening News, after some young men in pajamas, sequestered in their mothers’ basements, challenged the authenticity of the documents. Rather still contends that, Nobody has proved that they were fraudulent, much less a forgery. … The truth of this story stands up to this day.”

Of course, history — in the form of this new Robert Redford film — will vindicate Rather’s assessment that they were  “fake but accurate.” The only question that remains is whether today’s audiences will be able to “suspend disbelief” long enough to believe that people actually used to watch programs like the CBS Evening News while sitting in front of a television set.

Viral Story Hoax: Obama Not Kicked Out of KFC

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(2014-06-24) — Despite a widely-circulated story to the contrary, President Barack Obama was not asked to leave a KFC restaurant due to “hideously ugly” executive actions he has taken recently.

Obama at Chipotle

The White House said there’s no truth to the rumor, started by a KFC employee, that the president was ejected from a D.C. Chipotle for violating hygiene rules with this reach over the sneeze shield.

“We did not ask the president to vacate the premises,” the KFC night manager said. “We serve anyone here, and never discriminate on the basis of repugnant policies, or the unconstitutional methods through which they might be implemented.”

The KFC official added that they could “neither confirm nor deny that Obama had dined at this location.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re thinking of Chipotle,” she said. “I heard they kicked Obama out of there when he reached over the sneeze shield and contaminated a whole batch of refried beans.”

President Obama offered no comment on the Chipotle controversy, noting that he “just heard about it on the news, like most Americans.”

 

Michelle Obama Denies Calling Clinton ‘Hildebeest’

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(2014-06-23) — Putting to rest allegations in the controversial new book, “Blood Feud,” the White House today said First Lady Michelle Obama and presidential adviser Valerie Jarrett do not refer to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton by a derogatory name in private conversations.

Wildebeest and Hillary Clinton

The Office of First Lady Michelle Obama released this side-by-side comparison of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and a wildebeest to “highlight the absurdity of allegations in a new book that Mrs. Obama refers to Mrs. Clinton, privately, as ‘Hildebeest.'” An attached document noted at least seven obvious distinctions between the two.

“Secretary Clinton served our nation with honor and distinction,” First Lady Obama reportedly said. “It’s beneath the dignity of her several offices to call Secretary Clinton ‘Hildebeest’, especially here, under the very roof where she served as First Lady.”

The statement, on Office of the First Lady letterhead, went on to explain that “‘Hildebeest’ is a derogatory term because it combines Mrs. Clinton’s name with that of an African bovine, suggesting that she’s, in some way, like a wild cow. Yet, almost nothing could be further from the truth.”

“For example,” Mrs. Obama’s statement continued, “Wildebeests do not mate for life, but Secretary Clinton has been married to her husband for many years. So it would make almost no sense to call her ‘Hildebeest’.”

The statement also noted that wildebeests have coarse dry skin, and shaggy manes, but Mrs. Obama noted that Hillary Clinton’s hair is “nearly always neatly groomed.”

“For the record,” Mrs. Obama’s statement concluded, “If I had called Hillary Clinton ‘Hildebeest’ I would have apologized, but I did not call her ‘Hildebeest.’

Obama Skips Congress with State of the Union Speech

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Obama's private state of the union address

President Obama, seen in his office delivering a private State of the Union address to a handful of White House staffers, says, “I’ve had it up to here with this separation of powers and checks-and-balances malarkey. Let’s do stuff now.”

(2014-01-27) — Ignoring more than 220 years of tradition, President Obama has, reportedly, already delivered the State of the Union address privately in the Oval Office rather than to a joint session of Congress, where he won’t be appearing Tuesday as scheduled. White House sources say the president told them “we can’t wait” for members of Congress to come together.

“As he has mentioned, President Obama has a pen, so he wrote the speech,” said an unnamed administration source, “and then he stood up from his desk and delivered the stirring address to a handful of White House aides, Secret Service agents and a cleaning crew late Sunday night.”

Under the Constitution, the president is not required to give a speech, but merely to report to Congress from time to time on “the State of Union” and to recommend any measures he thinks appropriate.

“Although the president is naturally reluctant to take a literalist view of the Constitution,” the source said, “in this case, it suits his personal objectives in dealing with this do-nothing Congress. Why bother with all the ceremony and the humiliating prospect of asking them to pass laws, when he can just seize the moment and get stuff done.”

Speaker of the House John Boehner called Obama’s failure to deliver a lengthy speech before the joint session of Congress “highly unusual,” but acknowledged that Obama “just saved me about three nicotine patches.”