Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Robert Redford to Play Dan Rather in Talking Picture

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(2014-07-10) — Robert Redford will reportedly portray Dan Rather on the silver screen in the upcoming talkie called ‘Truth’, according to sources in Hollywood.

A talkie is a motion picture with a synchronized soundtrack so that the audience in the cinema can actually hear the actors’ words, rather than reading them from cards.

Robert Redford to play Dan Rather

Dashing Robert Redford will play doggedly determined Dan Rather in the new Hollywood talkie, ‘Truth.’

American teens will doubtless thrill at the opportunity to see the boyishly handsome Mr. Redford as the passionate reporter, so committed to ‘Truth’ that he’s willing to use forged documents to get at it.

The story recalls Mr. Rather’s efforts to faithfully cover George W. Bush’s presidential reelection campaign by showing that Bush’s Vietnam-era National Guard service kept him stateside, out of harm’s way, thanks to the influence of his powerful father, George H.W. Bush.

Rather’s dogged pursuit of truth led him, ultimately, away from his 24-year career as anchor of the CBS Evening News, after some young men in pajamas, sequestered in their mothers’ basements, challenged the authenticity of the documents. Rather still contends that, Nobody has proved that they were fraudulent, much less a forgery. … The truth of this story stands up to this day.”

Of course, history — in the form of this new Robert Redford film — will vindicate Rather’s assessment that they were  “fake but accurate.” The only question that remains is whether today’s audiences will be able to “suspend disbelief” long enough to believe that people actually used to watch programs like the CBS Evening News while sitting in front of a television set.

Viral Story Hoax: Obama Not Kicked Out of KFC

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(2014-06-24) — Despite a widely-circulated story to the contrary, President Barack Obama was not asked to leave a KFC restaurant due to “hideously ugly” executive actions he has taken recently.

Obama at Chipotle

The White House said there’s no truth to the rumor, started by a KFC employee, that the president was ejected from a D.C. Chipotle for violating hygiene rules with this reach over the sneeze shield.

“We did not ask the president to vacate the premises,” the KFC night manager said. “We serve anyone here, and never discriminate on the basis of repugnant policies, or the unconstitutional methods through which they might be implemented.”

The KFC official added that they could “neither confirm nor deny that Obama had dined at this location.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re thinking of Chipotle,” she said. “I heard they kicked Obama out of there when he reached over the sneeze shield and contaminated a whole batch of refried beans.”

President Obama offered no comment on the Chipotle controversy, noting that he “just heard about it on the news, like most Americans.”

 

Michelle Obama Denies Calling Clinton ‘Hildebeest’

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(2014-06-23) — Putting to rest allegations in the controversial new book, “Blood Feud,” the White House today said First Lady Michelle Obama and presidential adviser Valerie Jarrett do not refer to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton by a derogatory name in private conversations.

Wildebeest and Hillary Clinton

The Office of First Lady Michelle Obama released this side-by-side comparison of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and a wildebeest to “highlight the absurdity of allegations in a new book that Mrs. Obama refers to Mrs. Clinton, privately, as ‘Hildebeest.’” An attached document noted at least seven obvious distinctions between the two.

“Secretary Clinton served our nation with honor and distinction,” First Lady Obama reportedly said. “It’s beneath the dignity of her several offices to call Secretary Clinton ‘Hildebeest’, especially here, under the very roof where she served as First Lady.”

The statement, on Office of the First Lady letterhead, went on to explain that “‘Hildebeest’ is a derogatory term because it combines Mrs. Clinton’s name with that of an African bovine, suggesting that she’s, in some way, like a wild cow. Yet, almost nothing could be further from the truth.”

“For example,” Mrs. Obama’s statement continued, “Wildebeests do not mate for life, but Secretary Clinton has been married to her husband for many years. So it would make almost no sense to call her ‘Hildebeest’.”

The statement also noted that wildebeests have coarse dry skin, and shaggy manes, but Mrs. Obama noted that Hillary Clinton’s hair is “nearly always neatly groomed.”

“For the record,” Mrs. Obama’s statement concluded, “If I had called Hillary Clinton ‘Hildebeest’ I would have apologized, but I did not call her ‘Hildebeest.’

Obama Skips Congress with State of the Union Speech

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Obama's private state of the union address

President Obama, seen in his office delivering a private State of the Union address to a handful of White House staffers, says, “I’ve had it up to here with this separation of powers and checks-and-balances malarkey. Let’s do stuff now.”

(2014-01-27) — Ignoring more than 220 years of tradition, President Obama has, reportedly, already delivered the State of the Union address privately in the Oval Office rather than to a joint session of Congress, where he won’t be appearing Tuesday as scheduled. White House sources say the president told them “we can’t wait” for members of Congress to come together.

“As he has mentioned, President Obama has a pen, so he wrote the speech,” said an unnamed administration source, “and then he stood up from his desk and delivered the stirring address to a handful of White House aides, Secret Service agents and a cleaning crew late Sunday night.”

Under the Constitution, the president is not required to give a speech, but merely to report to Congress from time to time on “the State of Union” and to recommend any measures he thinks appropriate.

“Although the president is naturally reluctant to take a literalist view of the Constitution,” the source said, “in this case, it suits his personal objectives in dealing with this do-nothing Congress. Why bother with all the ceremony and the humiliating prospect of asking them to pass laws, when he can just seize the moment and get stuff done.”

Speaker of the House John Boehner called Obama’s failure to deliver a lengthy speech before the joint session of Congress “highly unusual,” but acknowledged that Obama “just saved me about three nicotine patches.”

Obama Downplays Talk of His Own National Holiday

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Obama speaks on MLK day

President Obama speaks in front of a giant American flag-draped statue of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., commemorating the civil rights leader with an historic speech about King’s role in the Obama legacy.

(2014-01-20) — In a holiday ceremony to commemorate the life of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., President Obama spoke of the “fairly significant role” Dr. King played in the run up to his own historic presidency, but humbly downplayed potential talk of an Obama national holiday.

“Dr. King had a dream,” Obama told the countless dozens of spectators in attendance. “Many think that dream was fulfilled at my swearing-in ceremony. Others believe my reelection was the zenith of the civil rights movement. Debating that question is above my pay grade, but I do think it’s too early to pick a specific date for the Barack Obama national holiday.”

Nevertheless, Obama noted in passing that his August 4th birthday “falls nicely between Independence Day and Labor Day.”

In a prepared speech, delivered from a temporary platform a few feet above the head of the King statue near the National Mall, Obama also counseled “watchful patience” with the slow pace of work at the National Park Service in planning the Obama head on Mt. Rushmore.

“It may be a simple matter of geological engineering challenges,” Obama said, “but we can’t rule out that it’s part of the ongoing struggle for which Dr. King gave his life. Do not fear. We shall overcome.”

After the ceremony, the Park Service said it had already begun to bronze the platform to commemorate the historic Obama speech.

Obama’s Marijuana ‘Less Dangerous’ Remark Clarified

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Obama smoking

The White House clarified the president’s suggestion that smoking pot is “less dangerous” than drinking alcohol, by releasing a list of potentially-harmful long-term side effects, which it soon retracted. Asked later to comment on the mixed message, Obama said, “What?”.

(2014-01-20) — A recent New Yorker interview with President Obama has left parents struggling to explain to their children why they should not smoke marijuana, as it becomes legal in more and more states.

In the interview, Obama said marijuana use was “less dangerous” than alcohol “in terms of its impact on the individual consumer.”

In an effort to clarify, the White House this morning released a list of potentially-negative side effects of the drug Obama admits he used in his youth.

“The president doesn’t want to give the impression that his historic experimentation with marijuana implies he condones it for young people,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “He has told his own daughters he thinks it’s a ‘bad habit,’ and has said that if he had a son who looked like Trayvon Martin, he would counsel his boy that pot smoking is ‘a waste of time,’ and ‘not very healthy.’”

Critics suggested the president was less than clear and forceful, so this morning the White House released the following list of potentially harmful long-term side-effects of recreational marijuana usage.

“President Obama wants American kids to know that frequent marijuana usage can lead to…

  • Lethargic reactions to dangerous situations behind the wheel or when your consulate is attacked.
  • Feelings of immortality, omniscience and omnipotence, leading to attempts to “do the impossible,” or take over entire economic sectors.
  • Cravings for foods that are on the First Lady’s ‘no-no list’
  • ‘Running with the wrong crowd,’ including petty law-breakers, communist dictators, Islamist warlords and even political consultants.
  • Irresistible urges to flee responsibility, and spend countless hours at places where there’s ‘lots of grass’.
  • Inattention to detail in written instructions, like laws or the U.S. Constitution.”

The White House retracted the list later in the morning, noting that the president didn’t recall approving its release.

Inspired by Christie, Obama Fires Executive Branch

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Obama shows them the door

Showing them the door: President Obama fired the entire executive branch of the federal government today, inspired by Gov. Chris Christie’s intolerance of dishonesty and petty partisanship.

(2014-01-10) — President Barack Obama said he watched Chris Christie’s news conference yesterday and admired the way the New Jersey governor dumped two top associates who had lied to him, or acted in petty, vindictive ways toward political opponents.

Doing so inspired Obama to fire the entire executive branch of the federal government this morning for the same reasons.

“I was going to be more deliberate, and review each cabinet officer, department head and staffer on a case-by-case basis,” said Obama, “but that would take a long time, and end up with the same result if I’m using honesty and integrity as the standards.”

The president arrived 45 minutes late to a scheduled 11 a.m. news conference, saying he was delayed due to the need to perform tasks he inherited from terminated staffers, including picking out his own clothing, preparing his own breakfast, and reviewing the IRS records of countless dozens of insurance applicants from HealthCare.gov.

Christie: Nominate Me or I’ll Shut Down the Internet

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Chris Christie threatens to throttle the internet if denied the GOP presidential nomination

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie came out swinging at politicians and pundits who think the trafficgate scandal means “blood in the water” that might end his presidential hopes. Here Christie demonstrates how he’ll “squeeze the internet pipeline like a garden hose” if the RNC denies him the nomination.

(2014-01-09) — As political enemies worked to link New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie with a move by his top aides to shut down traffic as political revenge on a small town Democratic mayor, a combative Christie held a news conference today to announce he would be the Republican presidential nominee, or internet users would have to “go back to measuring signal speeds in baud per second.”

“You think it was ugly when a couple of access lanes got closed near the bridge to New York City,” the pugnacious presumptive presidential hopeful snarled, “wait until it takes three hours to post your selfie.”

The allegations that Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich got punished with four days of traffic disruptions for his refusal to endorse Christie’s re-election last year appeared to shatter the governor’s reputation as prickly-but-honest — a man above partisan politics.

Within hours of the Bergen Record’s revelation of snarky emails between a Christie staffer and a political appointee, politicians and pundits, smelling blood in the water, lined up at microphones to herald the end of the Christie integrity myth.

“It’s not that people expect better behavior from politicians,” said one unnamed political consultant, “It’s that they can’t stand a hypocrite. That’s why I advise my clients to avoid establishing a track record of plain speaking and honorable behavior. It’s much easier to surprise them with occasional honesty and integrity, than to maintain admirable character over the long haul.”

Obama Delays Start of 2014 by Executive Order

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(2013-12-31) — Citing the need to protect Americans from the impact of a sluggish economy, health care disruptions and international crises related to Iran, North Korea, Russia, Syria and elsewhere, the White House announced today that President Obama has delayed the start of 2014 by at least a year.

Obama reportedly signed the executive order in the presidential limo on his way to a golf course in Hawaii, and likened it to “taking a mulligan for 2013,” according to unnamed White House sources.

“Rushing into a new year with the lingering problems from 2013 makes little sense,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “By delaying the start of 2014, the president will be able to work with Democrats in Congress to bring closure to several high profile challenges, and to help voters avoid poor choices in November.”

In an official statement, President Obama said, “My decision to delay the new year until the next new year will allow all Americans to start 2014 with a clean slate — from the chief executive on down to the lowest ordinary person.”

Obama Sends Thanksgiving Letter to Grateful Nation

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(2013-11-28) — To mark Thanksgiving Day, President Obama today sent an open letter to the American people, which is reproduced here in its entirety.

My Fellow Americans,

This is the day when families of all varieties gather around the table and give thanks for the great blessings they enjoy due to the beneficent mercy of an all-powerful, all-knowing and compassionate Higher Power. They express gratitude for the food before them, the clothing they wear, the health they enjoy, and the checks that keep coming to provide it all.

The actions of the Almighty may seem mysterious, but most Americans submit humbly to the purposes of the One who holds their future — the One who knows more about them than anyone at that table does. They bow their heads to exalt the One who hears what they say in private moments, who reads their most intimate thoughts, and who, ultimately, judges them.

So, as you gather with loved ones to give collective voice to your inexhaustible gratitude, let me express my thoughts in these simple words…

You’re welcome.

Sincerely,
Barack H. Obama