Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Poll: Ted Cruz Badly Trails Imaginary Ideal Republican

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Ted Cruz trails ideal imaginary Republican candidate

Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz takes news of the latest poll stoically, as he learns that he’s lagging the ideal imaginary Republican candidate by 37 points.

(2015-03-23) – – Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), the first announced contender in the 2016 presidential race, already lags behind the ideal imaginary Republican candidate by what may prove to be an insurmountable margin.

The latest Politico-Purist poll shows Cruz trailing 37 points behind any single voter’s fictional aggregation of highly-desired traits and principles, just nine months before the start of GOP primary season.

The idiosyncratic ideal candidate, while non-existent, may yet play a spoiler role.

“No actual politician can measure up to the qualifications of any person’s dream candidate,” said an unnamed professor at Purist U., which conducted the poll. “In addition, no 2016 hopeful has yet arisen who’s so utterly devoid of personal baggage as the ideal is. Being a figment has its benefits.”

A spokesman for the Cruz campaign pointed out that while “the Purist poll results show we have a lot of work to do, Ted draws encouragement from the fact that Republicans have a long, reliable track record of failing to nominate the ideal candidate.”

 

 

Ted Cruz Officially Announces He’s “Wrong for America”

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Ted Cruz announces presidential bid

Sen. Ted Cruz announced today that he’ll expose his wife and young daughters to 24/7 stalking and anonymously-sourced creepy tabloid stories, and so he became the first official candidate in the 2016 race for the White House.

(2015-03-23) — Sen. Ted Cruz, the Texas Republican, ended speculation about his future today with a speech at Liberty University in which he announced that he’s officially “Wrong for you. Wrong for America,” thus becoming the first candidate to launch a 2016 presidential bid.

To swelling cheers and applause of Liberty students, Cruz said he’s too Conservative to win a general election, has no executive experience, is the hand-maiden of Big Oil, a backer of vulture capitalists, and wants to force all citizens to bow to Jesus.

He also launched a whisper campaign on Twitter (@TedCruzWrong) that suggested he might not even be Constitutionally-eligible to serve because his father came from Cuba, and that he loves the Constitution because it “keeps women in their place.”

At the climax of the address, Cruz shouted over the crescendo of applause: “People I briefly met years ago will soon make it clear that I’m not the man I appear to be.”

The candidate, who claims he’ll repeal every word of Obamacare and Common Core, said a search is currently underway to find video or audio of him contradicting those statements. He received a standing ovation when he claimed he will “stand with the nation of Israel, because I’m a tool of the global Jewish conspiracy.”

Campaign staff have already lined up a series of “gotcha interviews” with Left-wing mainstream media personalities, and they’ve seeded campaign rally crowds with people who will insist that the candidate pose for selfies wearing awkward hats, and eating strange foods.

Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, said, “The RNC, as usual, will stay out of the primary battle and use the next 13 months to get ready to put our hearts and souls into electing Jeb Bush…or whoever Republicans nominate, of course.”

Double-Dipper Rep. Schock Quits, Offers One Last Bill

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Rep. Aaron Schock, shamed into resigning

Rep. Aaron Schock today announced sponsorship of a bill to make Illinois prisons more comfortable for the former politicians who comprise a near majority of their inmates. In unrelated news, he resigned after revelations of corruption in his handling of taxpayer and campaign donor funds. 

(2015-03-17) — Illinois Congressman Aaron Schock announced his resignation today after revelations that he double-billed the taxpayers and his campaign donors for mileage on his Chevy Tahoe. But before leaving at the end of the month, Rep. Schock says he’ll introduce one last piece of legislation, expanding federal funding for minimum-security penitentiaries in Illinois.

Schock rejected allegations that self-interest motivated the bill, which would provide “more commodious accommodations for Illinois’ non-violent offenders, allowing them to live in the style to which they have become accustomed while devoted to public service.”

“This isn’t about me,” said the Republican lawmaker, who recently paid back $40,000 to the Treasury that he had used to decorate his Washington office in the style of the TV show Downton Abbey.

“There’s clearly a need for improvements to our state’s prisons,” Schock said. “Illinois has a long and storied tradition of politicians who leave public office to live in close quarters among the common the people. So, clearly, the demand is there.”

The Congressman cited former Illinois Governors Rod Blogojevich, George Ryan and Dan Walker,  as well as former Congressmen Dan Rostenkowski and Mel Reynolds, as part of a long list of “Illinois politicians proudly repaying their debts to society in the most humble way a public servant can serve. Time precludes listing them all here today.”

The conditions in minimum-security correctional facilities in Illinois, he said, are “lamentable and très gauche.”

“You can’t pack them in like sardines,” Schock said. “Their punishment shouldn’t be confinement in uncomfortable surroundings. It’s bad enough that their expense accounts get so drastically reduced.”

Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY) said he was, “of course, glad to see a Republican leave the chamber, but for the life of me, I can’t understand why he had to quit. The rest of us are still here.”

Romney Out: Wouldn’t Moderate Hair Gel, Warns Cruz

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Mitt Romney displays gelled hair.

Mitt Romney displays his generous patina of hair product, which he cited as the main reason he will not pursue the 2016 Republican presidential nomination.

(2015-01-30) — Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told staffers this morning he would not mount another run for the White House because he’s “unwilling to betray his traditional, conservative approach to hair styling.”

“I’ve never been one to follow the polls, or listen to the consultants,” Romney told his associates in a conference call. “They told me I’d have the nomination locked up if I would just moderate a little, you know, drop the gel. As a Mormon, I don’t drink, but when it comes to my hair, I’ll never go dry.”

The former Massachusetts governor cautioned other potential presidential candidates to understand that “the era of Vitalis and Brylcream is over,” adding as an aside, “I’m talking to you, Ted Cruz.”

A spokesman for Cruz said the Senator had no comment, but reminded reporters of his unshakeable support for the Keystone XL pipeline.

Township Man “Super Excited” to Watch Obama Speech

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Obama State of the Union

During last year’s State of the Union address, President Obama, overcome with patriotism, began to sing the National Anthem. This photo captures the moment when he belted out “O, say, can you see…”, as Vice President Biden and House Speaker Boehner hummed the melody.

(2015-01-19) — A township man said he’s “super excited” to watch President Obama’s latest State of the Union speech on television Tuesday night.

“I’m actually going to DVR it while I’m watching it so I can go back and review it later,” he said, “just in case I miss something while I was clapping or cheering or whatever.”

The State of the Union enthusiast said that perhaps the best thing about watching President Obama’s speech is “knowing that all of America is united as one, sitting in their living rooms, on the edge of the sofa, hanging on every word, gazing with admiration at all of the honorable leaders of this great nation —  their hearts filled with patriotic fervor.”

The unnamed local man said he normally watches “that hoarding show,” or just plays Call of Duty, but he’s been looking forward to the president’s speech for weeks.

“My wife knows to clear the deck, and keep the kids quiet on the couch,” he said. “They know better than to interrupt, even during all the times when every member of Congress, and the Supreme Court, are all applauding because they’re so surprised and delighted by what the president said. The suspense is delicious.”

YouTube Commenter Watches Video Before Posting

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YouTube commenter

A YouTube commenter was surprised to learn this week that YouTube offers video content, along with his personal blogging platform, when he inadvertently triggered a video and watched it all of the way through.

(2014-12-12) — In a nearly unprecedented act, a user at YouTube.com watched a three-and-a-half minute political video all of the way through before posting his thoughts about the subject in the comment section below.

“Normally, I just skim the headline and then let ‘er rip,” said the YouTube commenter, “But this time I accidentally hit the play button on my iPad, and then, for some reason, watched the whole thing.”

While he said that “3:26 seems like an eternity when you’re waiting to post your opinion,” he acknowledged that he would have written a much different comment had he not actually watched the video.

“The main purpose of YouTube, I’ve always thought, is to give me a chance to let the world read what I think,” he said. “It turns out that YouTube also offers a platform for ideas and entertainment in video form, in addition to providing a blog space for me.”

Asked if the experience might inspire him to watch more videos in their entirety before commenting, the man said, “Not intentionally.”

Obama Sports Official Body Cam Cops Will Soon Wear

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Obama with new government body cam

Landrieu Victory Speech Leaks Before Saturday Run-Off

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Mary Landrieu

Louisiana Sen. Mary Landrieu, shown here at a dress rehearsal for Saturday night’s planned victory speech, simulates the spontaneous moment of triumph.

(2014-12-4) — With just days to go before Saturday’s run-off election in the race for Senator in Louisiana, a draft of Democrat Sen. Mary Landrieu’s purported victory speech has leaked.

The speech, handwritten on yellow legal paper, leaked to a reporter from a waste can in Landrieu’s Washington D.C. office, where the Senator had apparently placed it for safekeeping.

On the document, titled “Victory Speech,” Landrieu offers the customary gratitude to her family, friends and supporters, and to the Democratic National Committee and President Obama “who were instrumental in bringing about this incredible, unbelievable, virtually-impossible outcome.”

“If it weren’t for the money and ground troops that poured in from the DNC, I’d be making a humiliating concession call tonight, handing over the last Democratic Senate seat in the deep South to a Republican,” Landrieu plans to say.

“And if it weren’t for the wisdom and skill President Obama has used to turn this economy around, to unite our country around traditional American values, and to restore America’s reputation in the world — well, then by Monday I’d be scrounging for work as a lobbyist in the Louisiana State House, or begging relatives to get me a job as a roustabout on an oil rig, just to make ends meet.”

“It’s humbling how much the president and the DNC care about me, about the people of Louisiana, and specifically about female political candidates,” she’s slated to say. “They could have turned off the spigot and walked away after I won only a narrow plurality in November, cutting their losses while they licked their wounds from the Republican thrashing we got in so many other states.”

“But that’s not who we are as Democrats,” she’ll say. “We believe in our principles too much to make decisions for craven political purposes. I stand here before you tonight proud to say, ‘I’m Senator Mary Landrieu. I’m a woman, and I’m a Democrat!”

President Obama on the Message of the Midterms

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Obama Humble

 

Obama’s 11th Hour Appeal: Please Don’t Vote Democrat

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Obama in Oval Office

Obama wrote his final midterm election appeal in the Oval Office, between phone calls from Democrat candidates who begged him to endorse them, and to speak at their campaign events.

(2014-10-29) — With less than a week before the pivotal midterm elections, and with polls showing Republicans may take control of the U.S. Senate thanks to President Obama’s dismal popularity numbers, Obama today made his final appeal to voters.

“Please don’t vote Democrat,” the president said in a video recorded in the Oval Office. “I’m personally asking you to remember what I promised, and what I’ve delivered, and to trust me again when I say, don’t vote Democrat on November 4th.”

The White House said the president’s “Don’t Vote Democrat” message is backed by his record, and his credibility, and was recorded at the request of Democrat Congressional candidates.

“Right now,” said White House press secretary Josh Earnest, “the best thing the president can do to assure election of a Democratic Senate majority is to vigorously oppose Democratic candidates everywhere.”

To drive home the message of the video, Obama then rehearsed his accomplishments:

“If you liked your doctor and you kept your doctor, then please don’t vote Democrat.

If you’re now paying $2,500-a-year less for your health insurance, don’t vote Democrat.

If you feel safer from terrorists and infectious disease, and if America’s enhanced stature around the world — including our restarted relations with Russia, friendship with Israel, and the peace that’s descended on Iraq since I pulled the troops out — if that all makes you feel more secure, then don’t vote Democrat.

If the closing of Gitmo brings tears of joy to your eyes, and if the new civil tone in Washington, and greater brotherhood among racial groups makes you feel part of one nation under God, don’t vote Democrat.

If you look at the NSA and the IRS and they remind you that ‘government is simply what we do together,’ then don’t vote Democrat.

If you’re making more money at work, and spending more time on vacation and leisure, please don’t vote Democrat.

And finally, if your kid found a job right out of college, and you can make your basement a game room and workshop again, please don’t vote Democrat.”