Archive for the ‘Economy’ Category

Obama: Dump Costly Men, Hire Cheap Women

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Obama to Employers: Dump Men, Hire Women

President Obama signs an executive order, firing every male employee in the executive branch, to be replaced with “cheap, renewable women,” saving taxpayers millions of dollars this year alone.

(2014-04-10) — At a White House news conference today, President Obama encouraged employers to boost their profits by slashing expenses, or in his words: “Dump costly men, hire cheap women.”

“With women earning just 77 cents on the dollar compared with men,” Obama said, “they’re a real bargain, allowing you to move 23 percent of your HR budget straight to the bottom line.”

The president noted that, “Not only are women cheap and renewable, but they’re smart and they work hard, often doing jobs that no man would do. And some of them have even bigger biceps than their husbands.”

An unnamed economist at the American Woman Cooperative Marketing Board agreed.

“If women really earn so much less,” he said, “why would a business ever hire a man? All other things being equal, it makes no economic sense.”

However, a spokesman for Man Worker International noted that despite their proclivity to engage in risky after-hours behaviors and to die sooner, men are still a good deal.

“Sure, they cost a little more up front,” the spokesman acknowledged, “but men consistently put work before family, senselessly devote their lives to developing boring but useful expertise, and rarely get pregnant.”

Obama Reportedly Offered Sarah Palin Permit to Shoot “Wolves of Wall Street” from Helicopter

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Obama mulls permit

President Obama reviews text of a “presidential permit” that would have granted Sarah Palin the right to hunt “wolves of Wall Street” from a helicopter as a way to close the income inequality gap.

(2014-01-08) — As his economic recovery produced record corporate profits and a spiking stock market, but left millions of Americans unemployed or underemployed, President Obama reportedly considered granting Sarah Palin a permit to hunt from a helicopter for so-called “wolves of Wall Street,” according to an internal White House memo published today in the New York Times.

The revelation came shortly after Obama made remarks on the state of the economy yesterday, while standing before a backdrop of unemployed people who have been left behind by the recovery.

By leaking the memo, the administration sought to “assure middle-class Americans that no option is off the table in the president’s war on income inequality,” according to an administration official who was authorized to speak while preserving plausible deniability for the president.

“Everyone knows that nobody knows how find jobs for the millions bypassed by the Obama recovery,” the unnamed source said. “But the president understands that if you can’t close the income gap from the bottom up, you can certainly do it from the top down.”

Former Alaska Gov. Palin immediately took to Facebook to acknowledge that she initially welcomed the opportunity.

“There’s always fuel in the helo,” Palin wrote, “I’ve got Ted Nugent on speed dial, and we’re locked and loaded.”

However, Palin said her enthusiasm for the project waned when she realized the location was Wall Street, noting, “I thought they said K Street.”

Obama Demands Action on Temperature Inequality

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Temperature Inequality Map

President Obama said he’ll “focus like a laser” for the remainder of his term on “closing the vast gulf between warmest and coldest.” Temperature inequality, as shown on this map, reached 127 degrees in recent days.

(2013-01-06) — The growing gap between warmest and coldest is “the penultimate defining challenge of our age,” President Obama announced just hours after returning to Washington D.C. following a two-week vacation in Hawaii.

“If Congress will not move to stop temperature inequality,” Obama said, “then I will. Living in one of the more advanced nations in North America, we can’t wait for the end of partisan bickering to pass sensible regulations.”

Moments after stepping off of Marine One at the White House, the president said “there’s no time for delay, because the thermal gap has grown noticeably even in the past couple of days.”

First Lady Michelle Obama, who remained in Hawaii while her husband and daughters returned to the east coast, noted that temperature inequality has impacted average Americans’ relationships, making distant family members grow cold.

While some scientists questioned whether the gap has grown, and whether legislation can do anything about it, the White House said those researchers lack credibility “because they don’t receive federal grants very soon.”

Bargain Shopping Mars Black Friday Violence Hopes

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Shoppers standing in line on Black Friday

“Crushing” is how one disgusted man described his experience at this discount retailer in Idaho, as bored shoppers merely stood in long lines waiting to pay for their merchandise, despite hopes that frenzied bargain-hunters would spark bloodshed and mayhem.

(2013-11-30) — Thousands of people left American malls and discount stores disappointed yesterday when brawls, riots, stampedes, fisticuffs and gun-play failed to materialize despite the tremendous anticipation fostered by mainstream media sources.

“This is B.S.,” said one Wisconsin man who “left a comfortable bed to come out to the mall in the cold weather” but failed to witness a single incident of retail violence.

“It’s nothing but a bunch of people looking for discounted merchandise and then standing in line forever,” he said. “I should have stayed home and watched ESPN.”

Another man stomped out of his local Wal-Mart in disgust after “three hours of waiting for someone to throw an elbow or knock a widow to the linoleum, or something. Bunch of pansies!”

A spokesman for the American Federation of Retailers said its members did all they could to create bottlenecks in doorways, to narrow the space between racks and shelving, and offer to come-on pricing for items barely in stock.

“We can’t be blamed if tens of millions of people didn’t get hurt and didn’t hurt anyone else,” the retailing official said. “You can lead a shopper to bargains, but you can’t make her snap.”

Black Friday Shoppers Trampled at HealthCare.gov

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Black Friday Mob

Nearly 20 users rushed the login area at HealthCare.gov on Black Friday, creating a backlog that led to trampling injuries for several over-eager shoppers.

(2013-11-29) — Three people suffered grave trampling injuries and authorities took five others into custody after a brawl broke out at HealthCare.gov sparking a stampede among zealous Black Friday shoppers who became trapped in a login area, as nearly 20 simultaneous users overwhelmed the online health insurance store.

Police say they don’t know who started the fight among the bleary-eyed early-morning shoppers, drawn en masse to the site by advertising come-ons that promised unbelievably cheap, or even free health coverage.

“Someone threw an elbow near the security questions,” said an unnamed police spokesman. “Everybody’s so tense in there already–what with the tremendous bargains and all. Next thing you know, panic sets in, grandma goes down and somebody’s stepping on her rib-cage.”

A White House spokesman called for calm during these exciting early days of ObamaCare when people can hardly believe their good fortune, and fear that demand will outstrip supply.

The spokesman added, “All Americans can take comfort in knowing that those Black Friday shoppers, regardless of preexisting internal injuries, contusions, or shattered limbs, can still get bargain-basement prices on health care…eventually.”

New Cabinet Pick Solidifies Obama as Diversity Champ

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Obama embraces diversityPresident Obama embraced diversity as far back as last August when he hugged Charlotte Mayor Anthony Foxx, who he has now nominated as Transportation Secretary.”

At Saturday night’s White House Correspondents’ dinner, Conan O’Brien joked that President Obama’s hair is now “whiter than his Cabinet,” but today’s announcement that Charlotte Mayor Anthony Foxx is Obama’s pick for Transportation Secretary made that joke fall flat.

The White House noted that the president’s choice to replace outgoing Secretary Ray LaHood, is a Black man, whereas LaHood is White. The administration noted that Foxx spoke at the Democrat National Convention “as an African-American.”

The Republican National Convention immediately tweeted: “What’s up with Obama’s #WarOnBlackMayors? Another one bites the dust.”

But the White House said critiques of the president’s record on race are unfair.

“The fact that Mayor Foxx is only the first black appointee of the second Obama administration doesn’t overshadow the president’s longstanding commitment to diversity,” said spokesman Jay Carney, who is White. “The president has no bias against African-Americans. In fact, some of the president’s best friends are Black.”

Obama Declares April 1 ‘Fiscal Responsibility Day’

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Obama signs National Fiscal Responsibility Day declarationPresident Obama declares April 1 ‘National Fiscal Responsibility Day’, as the infants and toddlers of Wall Street bankers crawl around his desk just out of the camera’s view.

In a White House ceremony this morning, surrounded by young children of Wall Street bankers, and of staffers at the Federal Reserve, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, President Barack Obama signed an executive order designating today as ‘National Fiscal Responsibility Day.’

The president said the declaration would both “recognize the Herculean efforts of members of Congress and the Executive branch in paring down the federal budget to its core essentials, as well as issue a challenge that still more can be done to achieve the dream of my personal hero, President Calvin Coolidge.”

In fact, Obama echoed Coolidge, saying: “I am for economy, and after that I am for more economy. At this time, and under present conditions, that is my conception of serving all of the people.

Obama noted that from now on, the first day of April each year will “remind all Americans of the kind of government we ordained and established in our Constitution — one of limited, enumerated powers, that maximizes individual liberty.”

“The best way to achieve that is to perpetually devote ourselves to reducing the size and scope of the federal government,” Obama said, noting that the “little children are the ultimate beneficiaries of our frugality, since they will inherit a government that pays its way day-by-day without a load of unsustainable borrowing.”

The President encouraged all Americans to greet each other today with a cheery “Happy Fiscal Responsibility Day!” but to exchange cards and gifts “only if you can do so without incurring additional debt.”

Obama: Cyprus-Style Deposit Grab ‘Fairly Unlikely Here’

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Obama calms investor fearsPresident Obama encourages investors to avoid getting “all wee-weed up” over the move by Cyprus to confiscate bank deposits, which he says “probably won’t happen in the U.S. until things get pretty bad.”

President Obama calmed the jitters of nervous investors today by saying a Cyprus-style confiscation of bank deposits is “fairly unlikely here” and could only happen if U.S. debt mounted to unprecedented levels, the economy remained in the doldrums and Republicans in the House decided to block Democrat efforts to generate more tax revenue.

“So, as you can see, it’s a pretty remote chance,” the president said. “Your money is safe as can be expected in U.S. banks. The government grabbing your hard-earned savings, after a lifetime of toil, is something nobody likes to think about…so don’t. After all, I wouldn’t order such a move unless the government was just flat broke, deep in debt and really needed the money.”

The president blamed House Republicans for “the many hours the Treasury Secretary and I have spent planning for the unthinkable, which we have no immediate plans to implement.”

“Ultimately,” Obama added, “on that unlikely day when you log in to your bank account and see the balance is down 30-to-40 percent, you can be assured that the Republicans forced my hand with their stubborn, ideological objection to revenue enhancers. But for now, remain calm and go about your business as if nothing might happen.”

The White House sought to clarify the president’s remarks, noting that this “virtually-improbable scenario” would be preceded by warnings that would give depositors plenty of time to visit bank websites and read the FAQ about what happened to the missing money.

Senate’s 1st Budget in 4 Years Stops Global Warming

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Senate budget on it's way to be bronzedAn aide delivers the Senate’s first budget in four years, as climate scientists rejoice over the prospects of falling surface temperatures due to rapid cooling in the netherworld.

At daybreak Saturday, the U.S. Senate passed its first annual budget in four years, a move scientists say could actually reverse the global warming trend if predictions about subterranean freezing come to pass.

“You’ve heard the forecasts about when the Senate would pass a budget,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “Well, it happened. So as the folks in the netherworld bundle up, those of us who currently dwell topside and were concerned about the rise of the oceans can heave a sigh of relief.”

Climate scientists say that even a thin layer of ice on the surface of the river Styx in the underworld could reduce the Earth’s core temperature enough to counteract glacial melting on the surface.

While this comes as welcome news to those frightened by the prospects of global warming, an expert from the porcine research facility at the University of Idaho warned that passage of a budget in the Senate can spawn a plague of avian hogs, whose airborne antics could have unpredictable consequences for the environment.

Staff Didn’t Tell Obama His Yoga Pants Were See-Thru

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Obama's Transparent Yoga Pants Not Noticed at White House

Lululemon Athletica recalled its $98 see-thru yoga pants, but White House staffers said no one noticed that President Obama’s own pair were transparent.

The business world reacted with shock at the recall of a whole season’s worth of trendy $98 Lululemon Athletica yoga pants because the fabric becomes see-thru in some typical yoga positions. However, The White House said President Obama was not aware his own pair of Lululemon pants were transparent because none of his advisers or staff informed him.

“We thought the new yoga outfit was beautiful, exquisite, magnificent — and we told the president so,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “We knew it was made of the finest cloth, very expensive, and Lululemon is a hot brand. Frankly, we wondered why one young intern was snickering, but who were we to suggest that the president’s new clothes were virtually invisible?”

The White House cancelled a public appearance scheduled for early next week, when the president and First Lady were slated to read a Hans Christian Andersen story at a school, and then to lead a group of obese children in yoga exercises.