Archive for the ‘Diplomacy’ Category

Hamas Agrees to Unilateral 72-Hour “Cease Liar”

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Palestinian in Gaza covers his mouth to avoid breaking Hamas' unilateral 72-hour cease-liar.

Palestinian in Gaza covers his mouth to avoid breaking Hamas’ unilateral 72-hour cease-liar.

(2014-08-02) — Just hours after Hamas violated the most recent ceasefire agreement with Israel, President Barack Obama dispatched Secretary of State John Kerry to the telephone where he spent hours hammering out an ironclad unilateral 72-hour “cease-liar” deal with Hamas.

“During these three days,” Kerry said, “The leaders of Hamas have agreed to refrain from making any commitments they don’t intend to keep, or that they might later decide to breach, even though they start out with goodwill in their hearts.”

The White House admits this is an interim cease-liar agreement, and “at any moment Hamas could stagger under the burden of such an historic promise.”

Secretary Kerry completed the latest deal as the clock ticked down on the monthly minutes allocation of his Windows smartphone.

Kerry also explained that this week’s truce collapsed largely because neither Hamas, nor Turkish and Qatari mediators, could comfortably pronounce the first three letters of “truce.”

The Obama administration has agreed “to suspend peace talks for the duration of the agreement to facilitate compliance by Hamas.”

Obama Scolds USA Soccer Team for Beating Ghana

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(2014-06-17) — At a Rose Garden ceremony today, President Obama officially rebuked the U.S. soccer team for its victory over Ghana in yesterday’s World Cup match, noting that the shocking outcome merely “exacerbates the negative image that African nations have of America as a bully and oppressor.”

Secretary of State Kerry doing ball tricks

Secretary of State John Kerry practices a trick he hopes to perform for the president of Ghana as goodwill gesture following President Obama’s apology for his nation’s treatment of the Ghanian national soccer team this week.

“Worse than the way the Americans treated Ghana on the field,” said Obama, “is the unseemly crowing afterward, and all the chanting of “USA! USA!” I don’t think people realize how offensive that is to African ears…I’m told.”

This morning, Mr. Obama called the president of Ghana, John Dramani Mahama, to apologize for the incident, which he admitted “seems reminiscent of the arrogant era of Western conquest and colonialism.”

The White House said the president dispatched Secretary of State John Kerry to the region for a seven-nation African apology tour. Mr. Kerry will bring the message that “the African continent was the cradle of humanity, and therefore, the birthplace of soccer…and everything else.”

Secretary Kerry will follow that mission with another tour to apologize for incorrectly calling the sport “soccer,” admitting that Americans “stole its proper name — ‘football’ — for our own brutal sport.”

Kerry Secures Iran Pledge: U.S. May Enrich Uranium

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Powerful listening skills enabled Secretary of State John Kerry to learn what Iran really wanted, and his close relationship with President Obama gave him the credibility to broker a deal allowing the U.S. to keep enriching uranium, in exchange for lifting all sanctions against Iran.

Powerful listening skills enabled Secretary of State John Kerry to learn what Iran really wanted, and his close relationship with President Obama gave him the credibility to broker a deal allowing the U.S. to keep enriching uranium, in exchange for lifting all sanctions against Iran.

(2013-11-23) — In a major diplomatic breakthrough, sources in Geneva say Secretary of State John Kerry has secured a promise from the Islamic Republic of Iran to allow the United States to enrich uranium to weapons-grade levels, in exchange for a “relatively trivial concession” — the complete lifting of international sanctions against Iran.

This latest Obama administration foreign policy triumph should help to reverse the President’s popularity-rating plunge in the wake of the failure of his signature health care law. It also bolsters his reputation for “smart diplomacy,” since no previous president has been able to get Iran to respect U.S. sovereignty regarding its own national defense.

Secretary Kerry surprised many by rushing back to Switzerland this weekend, just two weeks after the last six-nation talks aimed at defusing the Iran nuclear crisis. Although some in Congress saw the Obama administration’s efforts to placate Iran as appeasement, an unnamed source close to Kerry said the wily former Senator had a few “diplomatic tricks up his sleeve.”

“Kerry brought Iran back to the table,” the source said, “and ensured the U.S. will maintain its right to develop its nuclear arsenal, at least as long as the moderate Iranian President Hassan Rouhani remains in power. It buys Obama time to extract more concessions.”

Obama Threatens to Rescind Endorsement of China

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Chinese Premier Li Keqiang

New Chinese Premier Li shows off the “hand” of government that he says must pull back from the economy so the hand of the markets can prevail. President Obama rebuked Li for “sounding more like Adam Smith than John Maynard Keynes.”

President Obama today threatened to revoke previous praise of the Communist Chinese government in the wake of Sunday remarks by new Chinese Premier Li Keqiang about a “’hand’ mistakenly attached to the state that needed to be returned to the market.”

In order to reach its goal of 7.5 percent sustained annual economic growth, Mr. Li said, China will need to cut government power in what he called “a self-imposed revolution” that will be “very painful and even feel like cutting one’s wrist.”

The White House immediately distanced the president from the Chinese leader’s remarks, noting that “Premier Li has failed to learn from the mistakes of the past that led to America’s humiliating prosperity, which President Obama has work hard to overcome.”

In Obama’s 2011 State of the Union speech, and at other times, he praised the Chinese government for aggressively investing in high-speed rail, solar power and computing technology. He has also spoken longingly of the Asian giant’s system of government, noting that it would be easier to be the president of China.

“If the new Chinese premier continues to reverse course, and head in the opposite direction that I’m leading the United States,” Obama reportedly said, “that could prove counter-productive to Sino-American relations, and frankly, will reduce the esteem with which I have viewed that great nation.”