Posts Tagged ‘White House’

Editorial: Trump’s Anti-Press Talk Makes Us Feel Bad

NOTE: This op-ed on behalf of the editorial board of ScrappleFace is part of a nationwide effort by more than 100 newspapers this week to decry President Trump’s “anti-press rhetoric.” In observance of this watershed journalistic event, we ask that you suspend, if only for a moment, your lifelong habit of ignoring the editorial page. The comics can wait.

For the editorial board…

“The enemy of the people.”

That’s what President Donald Trump has called the news media.

In a Constitutional republic, this inflammatory rhetoric not only jeopardizes freedom of expression by rallying the mob to ignore or even to violently suppress the Fourth Estate, but as professional journalists we can testify that it makes us feel bad…real bad.

In addition to the hurt feelings we have so acutely suffered, it must be noted, Mr. President, that “we’re rubber and you’re glue. Anything you say bounces off of us and sticks to you.”

It is, in fact, you, Mr. President, who are the “enemy of the people.”

(Are too…Are too!)

Let the facts be submitted to a candid world.

After all, it’s not the media, but Donald J. Trump, who beat a woman out of a good-paying job with lifetime benefits — an elderly woman who had hoped that she would finally shatter the glass ceiling and occupy the White House. Denying Hillary Clinton what rightfully belonged to her constitutes an attack on all women.

Thus Trump, in one foul sweep, became enemy of roughly half of the people.

Among the remaining 7-in-10 Americans — the ones who get paid a dollar every time a woman earns 69-cents — many have been torn from their families and homes, and sent to labor outdoors or in factories, stores and office buildings by a president who cares so little about them that he hit the gas pedal on the economy, sparking nearly full employment. These newly-employed men, of all races and genders, have Trump to blame for the assault on their free time, not to mention the booster shot to their toxic masculinity.

“Enemy of the people” indeed!

And now we come to the bottom of the matter.

At its base, President Trump’s attacks on ‘fake news,’ or ‘the failing New York Times,’ demonstrate an infantile streak in his character. Such a person, who lashes out and throws tantrums at every perceived slight (or coordinated partisan impeachment campaign), lacks the maturity to walk in the footsteps of the smart, handsome and ineluctably cool President Barack Obama, our nominee for eternal friend of the people.

Mr. Trump, why can’t you be more like President Obama?

Why do you torment us so?

Can’t you see that by cooperating with the news media, instead of antagonizing us, together we could remake America the way it should have been again?

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Trump’s Son Admits Russians Dished Dirt on Hillary

(2018-08-06) — Donald Trump, Jr., admitted today that he met with Russians to “get dirt” on then-candidate Hillary Clinton, and “the meeting was more fruitful that if we’d waterboarded her.”

“The Russians gave us a lot of intel on Hillary,” said the president’s son. “We learned that she was involved in shady financial and land deals in Arkansas, that as a lawyer she defended a child rapist, that she attacked women who were sexually assaulted by her husband, that she left the American consulate in Benghazi poorly guarded leading to the death of four Americans, that her family’s charitable foundation traded influence for cash, and that her party cronies secretly conspired to marginalize Bernie Sanders during the 2016 Democratic primaries.”

The younger Trump said there was much more, but that he didn’t take notes during the Trump Tower meeting.

The White House issued a statement acknowledging candidate Trump also knew of the compromising intel, but said the president’s son was mistaken about the source, and that he’d merely been watching Fox News.

Discuss in Scrappler Chat

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Trump Asks Dems to Push Ban on 3-D Movie Guns

(2018-08-01) — After suggesting in a Tweet that downloadable blueprints for 3-D printing of guns should be regulated or banned, President Donald Trump today reached across the aisle again calling for a total ban on guns in 3-D movies.

“Democrats should join me and ban all guns in 3-D movies,” the president said on Twitter, adding, “Crazy Hollywood actors with deadly guns in more than two dimensions – VERY dangerous.”

The White House said the president believes in reasonable movie-gun regulation, including a prohibition on guns that have the realistic appearance of length, width and depth — such as those seen through special glasses in many movie American theaters.

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Woodward Denies Writing ‘Fear’ Book to Help Trump

(2018-08-01) — Celebrated Watergate reporter Bob Woodward this morning denied that he wrote his new book, “Fear: Trump in the White House,” to aid the president’s strategy of distraction and chaos.

“I’m a serious professional journalist,” Woodward alleged, “not a Trump lackey or a useful idiot helping him to stir up trivial chaos about personal stylistic quirks, and thus distracting the public from his quiet efforts to roll back regulations, to seed the courts with Constitutionalists, to cut taxes, and to project American strength abroad.”

According to reports, the Trump White House made no effort to “handle” Woodward during his research, and didn’t restrict his access, or monitor conversations with White House staff the way past administrations have.

“The failure of the White House to spoon-feed me, or to listen in and spin during interviews, demonstrates what I call a climate of fear that pervades this administration,” Woodward said. “Staffers chattered to me like magpies, and dished dirt, because they’re petrified of the president’s loyalty demands, of his power, and of his vindictive nature. It’s not because they’re playing me and my colleagues in the media like a fiddle.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she hasn’t spoken with her boss about the book, but she’s sure Trump “thinks Bob Woodward is a total joke, and he would be glad to write a blurb for the dust jacket and promote it on Twitter.”

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Obama Fears Backlash on Muslims Who Pledge to ISIS

Obama concerned about anti-ISIS backlash after San Bernardino shooting.

President Obama in a somber moment as he mulls the likelihood of anti-ISIS backlash when news broke that one of the San Bernardino shooters had pledged allegiance to the Islamic State.

(2015-12-04) — Minutes after learning that one of the shooters in this week’s San Bernardino attacks, that left 14 dead and injured 21, had pledged allegiance to the Islamic State on Facebook, the White House urged Americans to remain tolerant of “differences”, in an apparent effort to head off an anti-ISIS backlash.

“Many devotees of ISIL are patriotic Americans like you and I,” President Obama said in a written statement. “They’re just peacefully reading the Koran and the Hadith and exercising their First Amendment freedom of religion, hoping and praying for the return of the Mahdi to reign over a global caliphate under Allah’s Sharia. In other words, they’re good people.”

A White House spokesman said the president knows that many Americans are prone to react harshly, even violently, against “people who aren’t the same as them,” adding “who can forget the atrocities committed by Christians during the Crusades, etcetera.”

Obama ordered the Homeland Security secretary to step up surveillance of anti-ISIL hate groups, and assured the Council on American-Islamic Relations that his administration will do everything it can to keep our “all too common bigotry and hate” from harming the peaceful people he called “Caliphate-Americans.”

 

 

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Obama on Paris: At Least We’re Not Charlie Sheen

Bindi Irwin with Parrot

Asked about what changes President Obama will make now that his ISIS “degrade and destroy” strategy has failed to even contain the terror group, the White House released this picture of a young Bindi Irwin, as evidence of American exceptionalism. “We’ll never let the terrorists take our eyes off what really matters to us,” the president reportedly said.

(2015-11-17) — President Barack Obama, at the G-20 summit in Turkey today, said the Muslim terrorist attacks in Paris this week were a “setback, but it could be worse. We could be Charlie Sheen, and have HIV.”

Under aggressive questioning from journalists who suggested his approach to ISIS has failed, Obama repeatedly sought to put the carnage in context by comparing it with other, similar, tragedies.

“Let me be clear,” Obama said, frustration evident in his voice and body language, “The loss of life and the gruesome injuries inflicted on hundreds of people by terrorists of no particular religion is very…very disappointing. And I mean very. But how many of us would want to trade places with Tamar Braxton? One day you’re dancing with the stars, and the next you got blood clots on your lungs and you’re off the show, watching at home as that little minx, Bindi Irwin, captures America’s heart.

“What about Miranda Lambert?” Obama continued. “I mean, you think everything’s going great in your marriage, and then you find out he’s cheating on you.”

Obama, known for his steady hand as “no-drama Obama,” urged the nation to emulate him, and take the long view when it comes to fighting ISIS.

“Look,” the president said, “if ISIL…which is an acronym that stands for nothing in particular…if ISIL drives a wedge between us — between me and the reporters who’ve come to love me — well then, the terrorists have won, haven’t they?”

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Obama Checks Alaska Off Bucket List, Oval Office Next

Obama looks at Alaska glacier

Barack Obama stands on the prow of a ship, gazing at an Alaskan glacier. He reportedly asked a local Eskimo guide, “How do I get to the Oval Office from here?”

(2015-09-02) — As he heads toward the sunset of his two-term presidency, Barack Obama has just checked “visit Alaskan glacier” off of his bucket list, the tally of things he’d really like to do or see before the end.

Next, White House sources say, Obama plans to visit the Oval Office, where “he hopes to really get a feel for what it’s like to be the chief executive of a Constitutional republic,” one source said.

“Everyone has those sort of ‘far out’ dreams that they’d pursue if they had the time and resources,” an unnamed spokesman said. “President Obama has the wealth and time to just go for it.”

Friends say that, since he was a boy named Barry, Obama has dreamed of “sitting at that big desk in the Oval Office, and doing whatever it is that presidents do there.”

Now that he’s near the end of his tenure,  one friend said, “he can indulge stuff like that.”

Obama associates said that if he actually visits the Oval Office, he might change its name to the original Cherokee phrase, which is “U-we-tsi-yu-s-di di-ga-lv-wi-s-da-ne-di.”

 

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Boston Bomber Guilty: Obama Trades for Gitmo Inmates

Dzhokar Tsarnaev

Convicted Boston Marathon Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev rejoices upon learning that President Obama has secured his release in exchange for five Gitmo prisoners.

(2015-04-08) — Just moments after a jury convicted Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on all 30 counts for his role in 2013’s deadly Boston Marathon bombing, the White House announced it had secured his release in exchange for sending five accused terrorists from the Guantanamo Bay detention facility to “any Islamic state, group or caliphate that will take them.”

“Mr. Tsarnaev is an American citizen,” according to a White House statement quoting President Obama. “We never leave an American behind if he’s held in captivity. Period. Full stop.”

It’s not clear, at the moment, with whom Obama negotiated the trade, but the White House brushed off suggestions that Tsarnaev’s crimes make him unfit to be exchanged for high-value terror suspects.

“You can’t conflate what Mr. Tsarnaev did, with the unimpeachable fact that he’s an American citizen,” Obama reportedly said. “Those issues are completely separate.”

The White House said the president would make remarks later this week from the Rose Garden, flanked by Tsarnaev’s parents, who are reportedly “grateful for his release, bismillah al-Rahman al-Rahim.”

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Ted Cruz Officially Announces He’s “Wrong for America”

Ted Cruz announces presidential bid

Sen. Ted Cruz announced today that he’ll expose his wife and young daughters to 24/7 stalking and anonymously-sourced creepy tabloid stories, and so he became the first official candidate in the 2016 race for the White House.

(2015-03-23) — Sen. Ted Cruz, the Texas Republican, ended speculation about his future today with a speech at Liberty University in which he announced that he’s officially “Wrong for you. Wrong for America,” thus becoming the first candidate to launch a 2016 presidential bid.

To swelling cheers and applause of Liberty students, Cruz said he’s too Conservative to win a general election, has no executive experience, is the hand-maiden of Big Oil, a backer of vulture capitalists, and wants to force all citizens to bow to Jesus.

He also launched a whisper campaign on Twitter (@TedCruzWrong) that suggested he might not even be Constitutionally-eligible to serve because his father came from Cuba, and that he loves the Constitution because it “keeps women in their place.”

At the climax of the address, Cruz shouted over the crescendo of applause: “People I briefly met years ago will soon make it clear that I’m not the man I appear to be.”

The candidate, who claims he’ll repeal every word of Obamacare and Common Core, said a search is currently underway to find video or audio of him contradicting those statements. He received a standing ovation when he claimed he will “stand with the nation of Israel, because I’m a tool of the global Jewish conspiracy.”

Campaign staff have already lined up a series of “gotcha interviews” with Left-wing mainstream media personalities, and they’ve seeded campaign rally crowds with people who will insist that the candidate pose for selfies wearing awkward hats, and eating strange foods.

Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, said, “The RNC, as usual, will stay out of the primary battle and use the next 13 months to get ready to put our hearts and souls into electing Jeb Bush…or whoever Republicans nominate, of course.”

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Obama Tweets, Snapchats Netanyahu Congrats

Obama Tweets Congrats to Netanyahu

Moments after exit polling showed Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu’s Likud party victorious in Israel’s election yesterday, President Obama sent this tweet.

(2015-03-18) — Few people were more excited about Benjamin Netanyahu’s success in yesterday’s election than U.S. President Barack Obama.

Obama, who views Netanyahu “like the father I nearly-never had,” closely followed the Israeli election results. When exit polls indicated a favorable outcome, he Tweeted to his 56.6 million Twitter followers: “OMG…Bibi and Likud make it 3. #NetanyahuDat?”

The president then ordered a senior staffer to take a selfie of Obama (he calls it a ‘staffie’), which he sent via Snapchat to the Israeli leader, with the comment: “Bibi FTW. So…that happened.”

“Israel has no stronger ally than the United States of America, and Prime Minister Netanyahu has no more devoted fan than this president of these United States,” Obama said in an official statement.

Obama Snapchats congrats to Netanyahu

Here’s the official presidential Snapchat to Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu celebrating his reelection.

“I’m sure that our close relationship, strong alliance and shared principles will only serve to cement the bond I share with my BiBiFF in the coming years,” he added.

A White House spokesman denied Republican accusations that Obama operatives had worked behind the scenes to topple the Prime Minister, and he played down suggestions that Obama was miffed that Netanyahu spoke to a joint session of Congress recently without consulting with him first.

“The President only regrets that he couldn’t get front row tickets to the Prime Minister’s Congressional speech,” said spokesman Josh Earnest. “He’s too respectful of the separation of powers to pick up the phone and call Speaker John Boehner. After all, the Speaker of the House is not Beyoncé or Kanye. One doesn’t just text him to beg for tickets.”