Posts Tagged ‘Venezuela’

DNC to Stage 2020 Convention in ‘Affordable’ Venezuela

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(2018-08-17) — Citing an abundance of affordable hotels, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced today it would hold its 2020 presidential nominating convention in Caracas, Venezuela.

Explaining the historic decision to stage a convention outside of the nominal boundaries of the United States, DNC Chair Tom Perez said, “Thanks to Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro’s Progressive administration, the bolívar now trades at 6 million to the U.S. dollar, so Democrat dollars will buy a lot of anything that might still be available in Caracas.”

“Our DNC site search committee had the following priorities,” Perez said. “First, we looked for diversity without English-language hegemony, fairness and equality of outcome, sensible gun legislation, enlightened government leadership, and of course, low, low prices. Many Democrat-run U.S. cities scored 3-out-of-5 or better on our Progressive site-selection index, but Venezuela checked every box.”

Venezuelan society has become “admirably equitable” under President Maduro, he added, noting that food, water, health care and essential services have become “almost-equally inaccessible to all.”

During the convention, DNC delegates will take side trips to attractions like the Caracas Zoo where they can enjoy “a taste of the African savannah.” They’ll also dine on any familiar delicacies that make it through the luggage search at Venezuelan Customs.

 

Maduro: Drone Attack Proves Socialism Works

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(2018-08-05) — President Nicolas Maduro today said that an alleged assassination attempt against him from bomb-laden drones during a speech at a military parade merely demonstrates that Venezuela thrives under socialism, because “even the dregs of society in Venezuela can afford drones.”

“Donald Trump brags about his capitalist country, but many poor Americans don’t own even a single unmanned aerial vehicle,” Maduro said during a five-hour speech celebrating his triumph over “the evil plastic blasting bird” [una paloma blammo].”

While some firefighters on the scene claimed the blast was merely an exploding gas tank at a nearby apartment building, Maduro said that a “squadron of vicious drones dove out of the sun at supersonic speed before I utterly destroyed them with the force of my personality, and my powerful corneas, thus saving everyone from certain death.”

Venezuelan citizens attending the Maduro speech agreed with the president’s account of the attack, adding, “Are you going to finish that sandwich?”

Discuss in Scrappler Chat

 

Obama May Pick ‘Sunny Susan’ Rice as Security Adviser

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Obama May Pick Susan Rice as National Security Adviser

‘Sunny Susan’ Rice seen in this file photo after Republicans effectively ended her prospects for the Secretary of State nomination. She told associates it happened, “Because they were afraid they’d never find another U.N. Ambassador as terrific as me.”

U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice, looks like the top candidate to become President Obama’s National Security Adviser, according to The Washington Post, because Obama likes her positive, “sunny” approach to global affairs.

Republicans effectively blocked Rice’s appointment as Secretary of State after she made a talkshow tour claiming the deadly embassy attack in Benghazi, Libya, was a mere anti-American protest that got out of hand, rather than a coordinated Muslim terrorist attack.

Since then, from her post at the United Nations, Rice has quietly kept the president informed about world events, including notifying Obama that…

  • North Korean nuclear detonation tests were really just Mentos and Diet Coke experiments that got out of hand.
  • Syrian president Bashar Assad’s brutal crackdown in dissident rebels is, in fact, an attempt by Assad to put rebels in ‘time out’, that went awry, and
  • Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez will soon recover from his battle with mortality, so he can resume his campaign to restore individual liberty, integrity and democracy to his people.

The White House has also received assurances that as National Security Adviser, Rice would not use global crises where American lives are in jeopardy as an excuse to spoil Obama’s “downtime.”

 

Obama Alive & Well, White House Says, Chavez Dead

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Obama is "alive and well," White House says. "It's Hugo Chavez you've heard about in today's news."The White House, in an effort tamp down viral rumors, took the unusual step of releasing a statement that President Barack Obama is “alive and well.”

The terse statement comes in response to internet rumors that a charismatic, eloquent, leader who swept to power promising to take money from the petroleum industry to fund entitlement programs, had died. The White House clarified that it was, in fact, Venezuela’s socialist President Hugo Chavez who passed away after a long battle with cancer.

“Some people just skim the news, or hear a snippet as they walk by the TV,” said White House spokesman Jay Carney. “Anyone out there can make a mistake — it gets on Twitter, and all the sudden I’ve got 270,000 condolences in my inbox.”