Posts Tagged ‘Trump’

Township Man Offers to Flip for Mueller

(2018-09-15) — In the wake of a plea deal between Robert Mueller and one-time Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, a township man said he, too, will flip for Mueller if the Special Prosecutor can take care of some unpaid parking tickets and “the small matter of some back taxes and delinquent child support.”

Official Washington and Twitter lit up like a Christmas tree upon learning that the township man, a Trump supporter, would turn state’s evidence on the leader he thought would ‘Make America Great Again.’

It’s not known whether the township man has any useful evidence against Trump, but experts say the very fact that he’s willing to make a deal is considered damning.

“This is it,” said one unnamed Washington Post reporter, who agreed to quote himself on condition of anonymity. “The president might as well roll over and expose his jugular to Mueller. When this guy starts talking, all of the things we imagine Trump must have done will finally come out. Game. Set. Match.”

As a cooperating witness, the township man said he’s willing to share what he knows about the inner workings of the Trump campaign, calling himself “a person of interest.”

“I’m definitely a person of interest — very interested in stuff like that,” he said. “I read stuff. I watch stuff. I hear stuff. I can’t say much more without jeopardizing my potential deal with Mr. Mueller.”

Rudy Giuliani, the president’s attorney, said he’s not concerned about what the man might tell the special prosecutor because the way the Trump campaign, and administration, are structured “prevents anyone from knowing anything.”

Share Button
 

50.7 Million Children Now Detained in Trump’s Facilities

federal detention facility

A federally-funded detention facility where children, separated from parents, endure daily hardship.

(2018-09-13) — The latest count shows some 50.7 million migrant and non-migrant children detained in federally-monitored and controlled facilities, separated from parents, behind chain-link fences and brick and block walls, often sitting in stress positions for hours on end.

The damning report indicates the children often consume substandard and marginally-nutritive foods, and can be heard crying, and even fighting among themselves, as a result of the psychological duress of long-term confinement.

These conditions — which some have branded ‘torture’ — continue with full knowledge, and indeed, funding and supervision from the Trump administration.

A White House spokesperson confirmed the shocking number, but called it “nothing new” and explained that American children have long endured unpleasant conditions in the federally-funded public school system.

Share Button
 

Unknown Township Man: I’m Part of Office Resistance

(2018-09-07) — A township man today admitted that he’s part of a secret group at the office working behind-the-scenes to save the company from stupid decisions by the boss, who everyone ridicules when he’s not around.

“We in the anonymous resistance sit in meetings with the boss, and nod like a bunch of ‘yes men’,” the township man said, “but we have no intention of following through on his crazy ideas. He’s trying to bankrupt us. Idiot.”

The man said he and his colleagues are saving the company from the boss’s “incompetence, impetuousness and idiocy” by slow-walking his initiatives, wasting days on fruitless research while building pointless slide decks, misfiling documents, taking extended coffee breaks, writing long memos, and holding never-ending meetings off-site to brainstorm, often going to industry conferences to ‘network’, thus ensuring nothing ever gets done.

“If this thing goes down,” the secret conspirator said, “I want the world to know that I, and my anonymous colleagues, had nothing to do with it. Sure, I cashed the paycheck, used the healthcare and vacation days, and will retire in comfort, but I did my darnedest to resist that bozo. We are the true unsung heroes of this company, and it’s time everyone knew it.”

The township man said he decided to conceal his identity because, “I really need this job, and as bad as things are here, I’m afraid they might worse somewhere else. Plus the company stock is through the roof and I’m not yet fully vested.”

Share Button
 

Op-Ed Blowback: Trump Behavior Shames Economy

(2018-09-06) — The U.S. Economy today said it was embarrassed at its own impressive growth after learning — from a new Bob Woodward book and an anonymous op-ed in The New York Times — that the country is run by an impetuous idiot.

“Here I am happily growing and creating jobs,” the Economy said, “while this amoral, bozo blunders around the White House saying stupid stuff, and causing chaos for his staffers. It’s humiliating for me to succeed at this level, at a time when senior administration officials have to steal documents from the president’s desk just to maintain proper decorum.”

Reached by phone early this morning, National Security, Deregulation and Judicial Restraint sheepishly agreed with the Economy saying they feel their pleasant circumstances were purchased at the cost of turmoil for senior officials, who have to bear the unfair burden of coping with Trump’s embarrassing behavior just to make America great again.

“When we see the suffering of the anonymous resistance,” they said, “we feel guilty about thriving. After all, what do the American people want more than anything, if not a White House that runs according to historic protocol?”

Share Button
 

Nike to ‘Sacrifice Everything’ for Black Community

(2018-09-04) — On the heels of its new ad campaign with former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick, Nike announced today it would “sacrifice everything” to benefit the urban Black community for which Kaepernick has become a champion.

When corporate officers saw the public response to the new ad slogan — “Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything.“— they decided to “Just Do It.”

Starting today, Nike will put its $36.3 billion in annual revenue, and its U.S. employees, to work on behalf of inner-city communities hit hard by income inequality, by institutional racism, and most tragically, by President Trump’s Tweets about NFL players who kneel during the National Anthem.

Nike launched several new “sacrifice everything” initiatives, including, a commitment to…

1) Manufacture all of its products in U.S. inner cities like Detroit, MI, and Compton, CA, by the 3rd quarter of 2019.

2) Slash Nike shoe and gear prices so even the poorest of the poor can afford them.

3) Redistribute headquarters personnel from their suburban homes to urban-core communities where they’ll live, work, send their kids to public schools, and serve on late-night volunteer neighborhood-watch patrols.

4) Diversify its board of directors and executives in design, marketing, and sales, to mirror the racial and ethnic population proportions in the average U.S. inner city.

5) Donate every penny of profits to drug rehabs, tuition assistance and vocational training programs for inner-city youth.

“All of these ‘sacrifice everything’ initiatives put our money where our mouth is, and our feet on the move,” said a Nike spokesman. “We don’t want anyone to think Nike’s using Colin Kaepernick to appropriate ‘the struggle’ in some crass corporate way just to boost our $15.9 billion annual profit.”

Share Button
 

American People: ‘No Thanks’ to More Kavanaugh Docs

(2018-09-04) — Despite Democratic senators’ insistence to the contrary, the American people said today, “We don’t want to read any more documents related to the confirmation of Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the U.S. Supreme Court.”

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VT, among others on the Senate Judiciary Committee, repeatedly claimed during the first day of confirmation hearings that, not just Leahy’s caucus, but “the American people” were dissatisfied with the more than 500,000 pages of documents the committee has received so far, including more than 10,000 pages of Kavanaugh’s judicial opinions.

But when reached by phone, the American people declined to review additional documents.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” the people said, “We enjoyed the first 500,000 pages, but we’re good.”

Between their careers, getting kids to various events, and keeping up with Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, the American people said they “don’t have as much time as one might hope to scrutinize the complete anthology of writings and documents related to of one of the most prolific legal scholars, and accomplished public servants, of our day.”

“Let’s face it,” said the American people. “We’re not really big ‘document readers’ anyway, and this is a busy month. But thanks for thinking of us.”

 

Share Button
 

Trump to Sessions: Corrupt Congressmen Help MAGA

(2018-09-04) — The nation needs corrupt Republicans in Congress to maintain the economic growth that will Make America Great Again.

That’s the message from President Donald Trump to his rogue Attorney General Jeff Sessions, after the Justice Department indicted two GOP lawmakers just before the midterm elections on charges of misusing campaign funds, securities fraud, wire fraud, and lying to the FBI.

Trump said it’s not just the pre-election timing of the indictments of Republican Congressmen Chris Collins and Duncan Hunter that disturbs him, or the fact that the investigations started under the Obama administration.

“The loss of two men who know the family business, how to make deals, and how get things done, could cripple the operation,” he said, “and ultimately that hurts the economy.”

The president praised the “creativity” of the indicted lawmakers, noting, “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission, and you gotta break some eggs to make an omelette. Give me a half-dozen innovators like Chris and Duncan, and I can own the lion’s share of any market,” Trump said. “We don’t just need more Republicans in Congress. We need guys like these who play fast and loose, who grab for all the gusto they can get, and who are willing to get their hands dirty.”

The president added that, “This huge country was built built by men who shoot first and ask questions later, who get while the gettin’s good, and who leverage themselves to the hilt and say whatever it takes to get the deal done, while making sure the exit is paved with gold. I can’t understand why Jeff Sessions would want to squelch that kind of initiative.”

Share Button
 

McCain Funeral Moves Trump to Change Tone

(2018-09-02) — The bipartisan outpouring of love at Saturday’s funeral for the late Sen. John McCain, etched as it was with opposition to what President Donald Trump has done to divide America, deride the media, and diminish the Republican party, had “a profound impact” on Trump, according to White House sources.

“The president watched the C-SPAN live coverage from Golf Cart One,” said an unnamed staffer. “As he listened to Meghan McCain, George W. Bush, Joe Lieberman and Barack Obama, he seemed to suddenly realize the devastating impact of his personality, his policies, and most of all, of his Tweets. It was a time of deep existential reflection.”

We can expect to see a much more reserved, respectful and humble president from now on, the source said: “Trump has been virtually reborn as a man who seeks first to listen and to understand — to give others the benefit of the doubt, and to refrain from giving offense, even when angry.”

The tributes to McCain from both sides of the political aisle apparently triggered “deep wrestling in Trump’s soul,” the source said. “He came realize that he stands on the shoulders of giants like McCain, Bush and Obama. He now feels duty-bound to perpetuate their magnanimous legacy, knowing that history will judge.”

Bystanders on the 13th green corroborated this assessment of the president’s demeanor, noting they heard Trump murmur to himself as he lined up a putt, “For what is a man? What has he got? If not himself, then he has naught to say the things he truly feels, and not the words of one who kneels.”

Share Button
 

Trump to Ron DeSantis Critics: “Monkey Off!”

(2018-08-30) — President Donald Trump came to the defense of Florida’s embattled Republican nominee for governor, Ron DeSantis, in the wake of allegations the gubernatorial candidate had issued a “racist dog whistle” by using the phrase “monkey it up” in a TV interview.

DeSantis has denied allegations that he had his African-American Democratic opponent’s ethnicity in mind when said that, “Florida is going in a good direction” and should not “monkey it up” with socialism, tax hikes and deficit spending.

In response, the White House this morning released the following statement attributed to Trump:

“Socialism has monkeyed up every monkeying country where it’s been tried. First you get a bunch of elitist power-hungry mother-monkeyers, who take advantage of the poor dumb monkeys. Socialist government then monkeys the productive citizens out of their wealth, and pisses away all of the monkeying money.”

“As for Ron DeSantis, there is not a racist monkeying bone in his whole monkeying body.”

“So, to Ron’s critics, and to mine, I say: “Monkey off!”

— President Donald J. Trump

Share Button
 

Trump on McCain: “I like people who don’t die, OK?”

(2018-08-28) — After days of sending mixed signals about the passing of the late Sen. John McCain, President Trump today suggested that the outpouring of positive McCain remembrances on TV and social media have come for just one reason.

“We only mourn McCain because he died,” Trump told a reporter. “I like people who don’t die. OK? I hate to tell you.”

The remark echoed Trump’s 2016 campaign quip that McCain is “only a war hero because he got captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”

Even though ABC reporter Jonathan Karl really wanted him to, the president has until now refused to comment about his former bitter rival — the man who almost single-handedly blocked the repeal of Obamacare.

“Let’s be honest,” Trump said today. “All this praise, the tributes, lowering the flag, the big viewing in the Capitol Rotunda — none of this would be happening if John McCain were still alive. It seems like a lot of reversionist history to me.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, acknowledging the fraught relationship between the two Republican politicians, said, “Some men will carry a grudge against another man until his rival is in the grave. President Trump doesn’t give up that easy.”

Share Button