Posts Tagged ‘Trump’

Putin Groomed ‘Brilliant Double-Agent’ Trump

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(2018-07-20) — Sources in the Kremlin said today that former KGB agent Vladimir Putin began grooming young Donald Trump as an intel asset decades before either man became president.

“Young Putin met Trump by chance, but immediately recognized in him the cunning, genius, strategic thinking, tactical mastery, and discretion required to be a brilliant double-agent,” according to an unnamed source close to the Russian president.

The revelation, of course, presumes Trump was already in the pay of the CIA, and that Putin hoped he could be turned.

“Putin plied Trump with money, women, book and personal branding deals, and fame out-of-proportion to his accomplishments,” the Kremlin source said. “Trump lapped it up, but never let on that he had become part of a long game to be Putin’s White House puppet.”

The two allegedly conspired, decades in advance, to lay the groundwork for a successful Republican presidential campaign, by having Trump cheat on and abandon wives, dive into the gambling industry, donate generously to Democrats, and studiously avoid learning about matters of policy, governance, or conservatism.

”All of Putin’s careful work has come to fruition,” the anonymous source added, “with the almost-inevitable election of a man who slavishly obeys what he’s told, and never veers from the script written by his handlers.”

The shocking revelation explains Trump’s obsequious news conference after the Helsinki summit last week, and makes his impeachment and conviction nearly as certain as Hillary Clinton’s 2016 election victory.

Duped: Sacha Baron Cohen Apes Strzok at Hearings

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(2018-07-13) — Comic actor and prankster Sacha Baron Cohen admitted today that he appeared this week before the House Judiciary and Oversight Committees disguised as FBI agent Peter Strzok, sparking several chaotic confrontations, but leaving Congressmen none the wiser.

“We were duped,” said Rep. Trey Gowdy, after learning that the hearing was nothing but an elaborate prank to be played for laughs in Cohen’s upcoming CBS-Showtime series.

In recent days, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, former Judge Roy Moore, and former Vice President Dick Cheney have all learned they were victims of Cohen’s masquerade. But appearing before a Congressional panel may be the crown jewel among Cohen’s outlandish pranks.

“We really thought we were grilling Peter Strzok,” Gowdy said, “when in fact we were talking to a fraud, a liar, and a poseur who will do anything to humiliate Republicans, and to advance his agenda.”

Trump Dumps on May Way to Brexit, Wrecks It

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President Trump, after remarks almost certain to trigger armageddon, brutally forces the stunning Melania Trump into a helicopter, despite her show-stopping gown from J. Mendel.

President Trump, after remarks almost certain to trigger diplomatic Armageddon, brutally forces the stunning Melania Trump into a helicopter, despite her show-stopping gown from J. Mendel.

(2018-07-13) — After years of campaigning, a public referendum, and thousands hours of deliberations and negotiations over the U.K. exit from the European Union — known as Brexit — sources said U.S. President Donald Trump ruined everything yesterday.

According to deeply-concerned diplomats, Trump’s revelation to a British tabloid that Prime Minister Theresa May ignored his advice will likely scuttle Brexit, tank global financial markets, bring down the May government, dethrone Queen Elizabeth II, shutter pubs throughout the Commonwealth, and recapitulate the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, triggering World War I and the inevitable rise to power of Adolf Hitler, thus threatening to undo the highly-successful foreign policy legacy of former President Barack Obama.

“I can’t imagine anything worse,” said one diplomat who requested anonymity to avoid responsibility. “Trump’s remarks are literally the most catastrophic thing to ever happen to Britain and to all of Europe, without exception.”

Experts also agreed that U.S. First Lady Melania Trump looked stunning in a flowing, yellow, off-the-shoulder gown from J. Mendel, but only because President Trump didn’t say anything about it.

NATO Rejects ‘Obsolete’ Label in Telegram to Trump

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(2018-07-11) — The head of the NATO virgorously rejected U.S. President Donald Trump’s suggestion that the 69-year-old defense alliance is “obsolete.” The fiery reaction came in a terse telegram to Trump, received at the East Portico of the White House from a mounted courier late yesterday.

“NATO NOT OBSOLETE STOP YOUR REMARKS OF THE 10TH INSTANT NOT HELPFUL STOP WE DEMAND SATISFACTION STOP YOUR OBEDIENT SERVANT J.S.,” said the telegram from NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg, eldest son of Thorvald Stoltenberg, of the Oslo Stoltenbergs.

As the blistering telegram message crackled through the trans-Atlantic cable, Mr. Stoltenberg also dispatched his personal emissary aboard a Norwegian schooner. A crowd of courtiers saw him off with well-wishes, tearfully waving handkerchiefs.

Given favorable winds, the diplomat should dock at the port of Philadelphia before year’s end, then take a carriage to the White House to demand parley with the American leader.

Should Mr. Trump fail to issue an apology, the code of honor demands he face Stoltenberg in a wooded glen to settle the matter with sabres.

Schumer to Stall Trump Pick Until GOP Sweep

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(2018-07-10) — Senate Democrats said they’ll stall confirmation of President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kanavanaugh, until Republicans capture a filibuster-proof majority in the November elections.

“Judge Kavanaugh, a great scholar whose respect for the law and the Constitution, and whose clear writing, have earned him praise across the political spectrum, is, nevertheless Trump’s nominee,” said Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer, D-NY. “He must therefore be opposed until the last swing-state Democrat loses.”

Schumer said his party is committed to the unfinished work of Hillary Clinton, who lost to Trump despite the clear choice the two offered on the abortion issue.

“America has spoken,” said Schumer, “but America was wrong. Our plan is to offer America the 2016 choice again this fall, but this time with the economy growing, unemployment — especially among minorities — at historic lows, and taxes on the decline.”

“If that doesn’t work,” he added, “then we’ll keep the Hillary hope alive until the end of Trump’s second term.”

Trump Demands China Send U.S. Money, Not iPhones

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President Trump in this file photo expresses disgust that he's stuck with a smartphone when he could have a fistful of dollars instead.

President Trump expresses disgust that he’s stuck with a smartphone instead of a fistful of dollars.

(2018-07-06) — As the trade war escalated between the United States and China following enactment of U.S. tariffs on some Chinese-made imports, President Donald Trump today mulled a full ban on imports of iPhones and other smartphones, insisting instead that China “send us real money.”

“We have a $375 billion trade deficit with China,” Trump said. “That means that we send them genuine dollars, and all we get in return is stuff — like iPhones. From now on, when we send them dollars, we want them to send us the same number of real dollars in return. That’s the only way to truly, truly balance the trade deficit.”

As economists have long known, paper money, and its electronic equivalent, hold intrinsic value. Objects like iPhones, steel pipe, or running shoes, are mere symbols of value that facilitate the exchange of tangible dollars. The president campaigned on boosting U.S. holdings of intrinsically-valuable currency, while also increasing how long U.S. consumers must work to afford ephemeral products, which are backed by nothing more than faith in their utility.

“To get more, and better-paying, jobs in the USA,” Trump told a rally in Detroit last night, “we need to drive up the cost of what Americans buy, so that they can get second jobs, and demand higher wages. Isn’t that why you elected me? More jobs. Higher wages.”

Justice Kennedy to Step Down, Remain on Court

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(2018-06-28) — The Reagan Supreme Court appointee, who often served as a swing vote on landmark cases involving abortion and gay rights, Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy, announced Wednesday he would step down, and also remain on the Supreme Court.

“The desire to spend more time with family compels me to resign my lifetime appointment, though death tarries,” Kennedy, 82, wrote to President Trump. “At the same time, my duty to my country and to the Constitution compels me to stay, depriving my family of my presence. I shall do both, so help me God.”

Kennedy, a lifelong registered Republican, often drew the ire of his own partisans by siding with Left-wing justices and casting the deciding vote on key cases that changed course of the nation.

“I am who I am, and who I am not,” Kennedy told Trump. “My place at this stage in life is at home, and on the Court, and that’s neither here nor there.”