Posts Tagged ‘Texas’

Ted Cruz Officially Announces He’s “Wrong for America”

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Ted Cruz announces presidential bid

Sen. Ted Cruz announced today that he’ll expose his wife and young daughters to 24/7 stalking and anonymously-sourced creepy tabloid stories, and so he became the first official candidate in the 2016 race for the White House.

(2015-03-23) — Sen. Ted Cruz, the Texas Republican, ended speculation about his future today with a speech at Liberty University in which he announced that he’s officially “Wrong for you. Wrong for America,” thus becoming the first candidate to launch a 2016 presidential bid.

To swelling cheers and applause of Liberty students, Cruz said he’s too Conservative to win a general election, has no executive experience, is the hand-maiden of Big Oil, a backer of vulture capitalists, and wants to force all citizens to bow to Jesus.

He also launched a whisper campaign on Twitter (@TedCruzWrong) that suggested he might not even be Constitutionally-eligible to serve because his father came from Cuba, and that he loves the Constitution because it “keeps women in their place.”

At the climax of the address, Cruz shouted over the crescendo of applause: “People I briefly met years ago will soon make it clear that I’m not the man I appear to be.”

The candidate, who claims he’ll repeal every word of Obamacare and Common Core, said a search is currently underway to find video or audio of him contradicting those statements. He received a standing ovation when he claimed he will “stand with the nation of Israel, because I’m a tool of the global Jewish conspiracy.”

Campaign staff have already lined up a series of “gotcha interviews” with Left-wing mainstream media personalities, and they’ve seeded campaign rally crowds with people who will insist that the candidate pose for selfies wearing awkward hats, and eating strange foods.

Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, said, “The RNC, as usual, will stay out of the primary battle and use the next 13 months to get ready to put our hearts and souls into electing Jeb Bush…or whoever Republicans nominate, of course.”

Stabbing Spree Renews Call for Knife-Handle Limits

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Accused mass stabber in custody as Congress mulls knife-handle limitsWith Dylan Quick, the alleged Texas mass stabber, now in custody, Congress renews debate on “sensible knife-handle limits” that would prevent men like Quick from “getting a grip.”

A one-man stabbing spree that left more than a dozen injured at a Texas community college Tuesday has revived efforts in Congress to limit the length of knife handles.

Dylan Quick, the 20-year-old accused of slashing and stabbing his way from building to building at the Cypress campus of Lone Star College, reportedly told authorities he was acting out a childhood fantasy.

In response, Senate Democrats said they would introduce a bill next week to limit all commercially-available knife handles to less than one-half inch, making it “much more difficult for mass stabbers to get a grip.”

President Obama called on the Senate to “act now before the emotion of the moment fades and you resort to rational deliberation.”

Republicans initially mocked the proposal as “utterly worthless and ineffectual,” but then agreed with Democrats behind closed doors to support “common-sense knife handle legislation.”