Posts Tagged ‘Tesla’

Musk Puffs Joint to Demonstrate Trust in Tesla Autopilot

(2018-09-07) — After Tesla stock took a beating in the wake of video showing CEO Elon Musk puffing a joint and drinking whiskey on the Joe Rogan podcast, the innovative billionaire comforted concerned investors by noting he was merely demonstrating his unshakeable confidence in the Tesla autopilot feature.

“I often impair myself intentionally,” Musk said, “simply to let people know how fantastically-reliable our autopilot has become. It’s a real game-changer for alcoholics and drug addicts, as well as delusional people who occasionally hallucinate.”

Musks recent antics have played havoc with the company’s stock, and well as his personal reputation, but in this case he merely engaged in normal safety testing of America’s best-selling electric vehicle.

“After the Rogan interview,” Musk said, “I popped a downer and then dropped into the cockpit and hit the autopilot button. I woke up in my garage three days later…perfectly safe. No worries.”

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The Village Voice Ceases: May Get Haircut, Real Job

(2018-09-01) — The Village Voice website stopped posting new content Friday, one year after the former New York City tabloid ceased print publication.

In a written statement, The Voice said it plans to “get a haircut, get a real job and maybe a rent-controlled apartment where I won’t have to sleep on the couch anymore.”

Spawned in 1955 by four men — including liberal activist, novelist and playwright Norman Mailer — The Voice really bloomed during the beatnik and hippie eras as a Left-wing, opinion-drenched, pseudo-journalistic vanity project, similar to The New York Times, only weekly.

“I’m too old for this sh**,” The Voice confided to an unnamed source. “Dude, my old Ivy League pals are making bank on Wall Street, driving Tesla’s and vacationing in the Hamptons. Meanwhile, I’m still shacking up in a buddy’s apartment in Greenwich Village, sleeping on the couch, and eating Ramen…and I’m almost 63.”

The Voice plans to “look for a job where I can sleep late, get paid to shoot off my mouth whenever I want just to piss people off, but do it wearing a suit and tie so it looks legit, you know?”

However, The Voice is not sure which political office he’ll seek first.

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