Posts Tagged ‘Supreme Court’

Scalia Gone, Obama to Pick Black Lesbian Amputee Vet

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Barack_Obama_anonymous-court-nominee

President Obama is already practicing his congratulatory handshake for his Black, lesbian, double-amputee, military veteran Supreme Court nominee, played here by a White stand-in.

(2016-02-15) — Just days after the sudden death of Supreme Court Associate Justice Antonin Scalia, White House sources say President Obama will cast a wide net for a replacement nominee whose appointment Republicans won’t have the audacity to stall.

“The president already has in hand a short list of Black, lesbian, military veteran double-amputee jurists from which he’ll choose the eventual nominee,” according to an unnamed administration source.

Obama reportedly reviewed the list on Sunday, circled a favorite, then remarked, “Let’s see Mitch McConnell and the boys push that one to the back of the bus.”

Meanwhile, on the campaign trail, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, “I applaud President Obama, our dear leader, for striving to ensure that our highest court looks more like America — and frankly, less like me — than it would if a Republican were president.

 

 

Township Man “Super Excited” to Watch Obama Speech

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Obama State of the Union

During last year’s State of the Union address, President Obama, overcome with patriotism, began to sing the National Anthem. This photo captures the moment when he belted out “O, say, can you see…”, as Vice President Biden and House Speaker Boehner hummed the melody.

(2015-01-19) — A township man said he’s “super excited” to watch President Obama’s latest State of the Union speech on television Tuesday night.

“I’m actually going to DVR it while I’m watching it so I can go back and review it later,” he said, “just in case I miss something while I was clapping or cheering or whatever.”

The State of the Union enthusiast said that perhaps the best thing about watching President Obama’s speech is “knowing that all of America is united as one, sitting in their living rooms, on the edge of the sofa, hanging on every word, gazing with admiration at all of the honorable leaders of this great nation —  their hearts filled with patriotic fervor.”

The unnamed local man said he normally watches “that hoarding show,” or just plays Call of Duty, but he’s been looking forward to the president’s speech for weeks.

“My wife knows to clear the deck, and keep the kids quiet on the couch,” he said. “They know better than to interrupt, even during all the times when every member of Congress, and the Supreme Court, are all applauding because they’re so surprised and delighted by what the president said. The suspense is delicious.”

Justice Ginsburg to Stay, ‘So Am As Can Able Do To’

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Supreme Court Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg released this recent photograph as additional evidence of her fitness to remain on the high court.

(2014-08-01) — Supreme Court Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, under pressure from Democrats to retire before a potential Republican majority takes the Senate, said this week that she’ll remain on the highest court in the land, “So am as can able do to, and perhaps longer.”

The octogenarian Liberal jurist said she’s monitoring her own ability to do the job, and will know when it’s time to go based on several indicators.

“Can you think as carbuncle masticate curmudgeon? Can you wrote fluidity pastoral semper fi? At my age, you take it year by hamstring staplegun cantaloupe. I’m OK this year.”

Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said he has spoken informally with Ginsburg at a D.C. social event and that “she’s as lucid and intellectually-sharp as ever I’ve seen her. I’m comfortable with her extending her tenure on the Court.”

High Court: Cops Can’t Search Cellphone, Must Ask NSA

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(2014-06-25) — In a rare unanimous ruling on a civil rights issue, the U.S. Supreme Court today ruled that it’s unconstitutional for local police to search the contents of your cellphone.

The Court declared that if local law enforcement wants to access that data, they’ll have to ask the National Security Agency (NSA) to provide it.

Smartphone

The threat of local police doing warrantless searches on cellphones has spurred sales of the Samsung Tabula Rasa, the first smartphone that neither stores nor displays user-generated content.

“The Fourth Amendment to the Constitution guarantees the right of the people to be secure in their persons and property from unreasonable searches and seizures,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts on behalf of the Court. “Allowing Barney Fife to poke around your Pinterest violates the letter and the spirit of the Constitution.”

The Chief Justice noted that the practice is not only unconstitutional, but unnecessary, since the NSA already has all of that data and more, stored in its secret server farms.

“Why should the local district attorney waste resources hacking a phone,” Roberts wrote, “when the NSA could simply send him the zip file?”

 

 

‘Little Sisters’ Unionize, Seek ObamaCare Exemption

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Little Sisters of the Poor

Nuns from the Little Sisters of the Poor order say they should still have time to care for the indigent elderly after they form a labor union, and even more motivation “since some old folks still aren’t registered to vote.”

(2013-01-04) — Just hours after the Justice Department contested the Supreme Court delay of a federal mandate for contraceptive insurance, a plaintiff’s attorney announced that the Little Sisters of the Poor would form a collective bargaining unit and seek an exemption from ObamaCare.

“The nuns have sought refuge in a higher power,” according to an unnamed lawyer working on the case. “By incorporating as the International Sisterhood of Mercy Workers (Local 316), they hope to join the dozens of other organized labor groups that the Obama administration has shielded from the devastating impact of ObamaCare.”

The ISMW will reportedly devote itself to electing Democratic candidates, and to activism and lobbying in support of the party’s legislative agenda.

“The nuns have taken a vow of fundraising,” the attorney said, “and view their new calling as a sacred trust to be accepted on faith, just like any other union does.”

A White House spokesman said the president was “impressed with the sisters’ devotion, and inclined to reward their repentance.”