Posts Tagged ‘sexual assault’

Blacked-Out Kavanaugh Still Hazy on Senate Hearing

(2018-09-30) — President Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh privately told associates that his recollection of the past two weeks’ Senate Judiciary Committee hearings was “so hazy and weird that I must have been black-out drunk.”

“It was a like a bad dream,” Kavanaugh said, according to an unnamed associate. “I think somebody put something in my water. All I can remember is these creepy heads staring at me, asking me to tell them about things that didn’t happen. For long periods, I just spaced, and can’t remember hearing anything as they droned on.”

Although Kavanaugh told the committee he doesn’t have an alcohol problem, he later told friends that he has this “lingering absurd vision that I was accused of binge-drinking and sexual misconduct by Democrats.”

His friends said the judge believes that must be a false memory, because he can’t imagine Democrats would sink to such hypocrisy, for fear of raising questions about their own historic advocacy of loose morality.

Share Button
 

Democrat Senators: Sorry to Those ‘We Surely Molested’

(2018-09-29) — In a joint statement today, the Democratic men of the U.S. Senate apologized to ‘all of those we surely molested during the past several decades, though we’re not aware of having done so.’

Co-signed by all male members of the Democratic caucus, including Sen. Jeff Flake, R-AZ, the statement accepted “full responsibility for our disgusting acts that violated the trust of women in our lives. As a matter of principle, we believe the women.”

One unnamed Democratic senator said the Judiciary Committee hearing, where Christine Blasey Ford testified against Judge Brett Kavanaugh, proved that most women tell no one after suffering sexual assault or rape, and that huge numbers of women have experienced these traumatic incidents.

“Statistically speaking,” the Senator said, “each us has undoubtedly done it, probably multiple times, because we have not been accused.”

The members said they especially want to apologize “to women who will someday claim we committed such egregious acts — which we will, at that time — deny.”

“We can hardly imagine the shame and pain we will heap upon them when they publicly accuse us,” they said. “So we want to say, in advance, ‘We’re sorry that we won’t believe you. That’s not right.'”

Senator Diane Feinstein, D-CA, praised her male caucus members for their willingness to be so honest about “things that must certainly have happened, but which wouldn’t hold up in court.”

“We Democrats are always for justice in the abstract, if not in particular cases,” said Feinstein, “unless, of course, it involves someone from the other party. In which case the abstract suddenly becomes concrete, as it should.”

Share Button
 

Senators Seek Sexual-Assault Claims Against Selves

Sen. Feinstein leads Senate Judiciary Committee to seek sexual assault claims against Senators

Sen. Diane Feinstein explains the new Senate Judiciary Committee policy of seeking out sexual-assault claims against all Senators, as Chairman Charles Grassley respectfully dozes.

(2018-09-25) — In rare a display of selfless leadership and transparency in the #MeToo era, the Senate Judiciary Committee today voted unanimously to seek out allegations of sexual-assault against themselves, other members of the U.S. Senate and their staffs.

“There may be women, men, and others, out there who have kept silent for years,” said the committee’s ranking member, Sen. Diane Feinstein. “We can’t assume they would file police reports, or even share their trauma with another person, unless we proactively seek them out, and reveal their private stories…against their will, if necessary.”

Sen. Feinstein said members of the upper house of America’s legislature need to ensure that “there’s no double-standard” when it comes to Supreme Court nominees, or to Senators.

“Sexual assault allegations don’t simply surface, especially if they’ve remained hidden for decades,” the California lawmaker said. “They need to be coaxed, lured, ferreted-out and, sometimes, coerced.”

As shocking allegations against Senators come to light, the committee will immediately release them to the news media, along with statements of support, encouraging the public to believe the accusers.

“We must all stand before the American people in the bright light of truth,” Feinstein said. “As we have treated Judge Kavanaugh, so we must treat ourselves.”

To facilitate the new atmosphere of full disclosure, the committee has established a hotline, a website, an email address, and a private confessional booth staffed around the clock by Ronan Farrow.

Share Button
 

Kavanaugh Accuser Demands Trump Act ‘More Trumpy’

(2018-09-20) —Christine Blasey Ford, the woman who accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexually assaulting her when the two were teens, today called on President Trump to “come out of his self-imposed exile and start acting like he always does…you know, more Trumpy.”

Her heated remarks followed a muted response from the White House to Blasey Ford’s allegations, with the president saying that the accuser should be heard, and that the Senate should conduct “a complete process.”

“Where in the world is the real Donald Trump?” she demanded. “What have they done with the president? Give him back his phone. Let him Tweet.”

The psychologist said she wouldn’t have gone public with her accusations if she had known that Trump would “start acting all presidential and stuff.”

“It’s bad enough that I’m haunted by memories of my recent recollection of a future Supreme Court nominee groping me at some geographical location and chronological time,” said Blasey Ford. “Now Trump piles on with his respectful listening and a call for due process. That’s not going to generate the kind of visceral female empowerment that it takes to defeat a nominee. Where do I go to get my expectations back?”

Share Button