Posts Tagged ‘Senate’

Election Outcome Uncertain, Expert Says Stay Angry

Experts tell voters to remain angry through the final tally | ScrappleFace.com

A noted elections expert cautioned Americans against becoming complacent, kind, tolerant or charitable in the final hours before Tuesday’s midterms, or even afterward. The source, who is not Russian nor a cable news executive, said “maintaining rage sustains civilization.”

(2018-11-05) — Just hours before Tuesday’s final votes in the 2018 Congressional elections, a noted expert called the outcome “highly uncertain” and urged all Americans to “remain angry.”

According to the noted expert, “Your neighbor, your best friend, even your Mother, will likely betray this country and condemn it to another 1,000 years of darkness, or a catastrophic ice age, or a collision with a meteor or something like that.”

The unnamed source, who is not Russian, said the biggest challenge the country faces will be to maintain the necessary fear and loathing until the final poll in the last state closes…and beyond.

“Don’t let up,” he said. “You might think there’s nothing you can do, or that victory by your side, or by the enemy, is inevitable. That’s not true. You must use these final hours to fill your Facebook wall and Twitter feed with all the rage which has consumed you for the past nine-months. Feel it surge through your biceps and down into your fingertips. Loose the hounds of Hell onto that keyboard like the future of the republic — or of our Democracy, as you prefer — depends upon it.”

While many Americans may feel a natural urge to put electoral division behind them, and to return to the kindness, tolerance and “charity toward all” that characterizes these United States, the expert source said, “This kind of thinking will get us all killed, or at least disenfranchised.”

Quoting President John Adams, he added, “Our Constitution was made only for a seething and unforgiving People. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.”

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Warren Mulls Starting Grassroots Call for Her to Run

Sen. Elizabeth Warren plans spontaneous grassroots presidential draft movement

With a new Democratic presidential preference poll showing Sen. Elizabeth Warren trailing former Vice President Joe Biden by just 313 percent, the former professor rehearses leading a crowd to the White House gate to spontaneously chant: “Run, Betsy, Run!”

(2018-10-16) — Sen. Elizabeth Warren, D-MA, still recovering from the cheek swab that established her Native American ancestry, today hinted that she might actively consider whether to launch a grassroots effort aimed at recruiting her to run for President of the United States in 2020.

Insiders report “a real groundswell” of enthusiasm by Sen. Warren to move toward an answer to the question that’s on the lips of almost 50 percent of the U.S. Senators from Massachusetts.

“Should the tide of popular sentiment become too strong to resist,” Sen. Warren reportedly told her friend, “I may have no choice. And who better to take charge of that tide, than the woman who will inspire its spontaneous, unexpected, inexorable rise?”

The former college professor is said to be buoyed by news that the first CNN poll of the 2020 presidential race shows a full eight-percent of Democrats prefer Warren. She trails former Vice President Joe Biden by a mere 25-point whisker, or just 313 percent, according to mathematics.

Nevertheless, Warren said she’s “focused almost utterly, virtually completely and very nearly totally on my 2018 Senate reelection race, and on serving the people of Massachusetts in the Senate for the next six years, or two, whichever comes first.”

If she does involuntarily need to lead the grassroots call for her nomination, Warren said, “I’ll remain humble about it, but would, of course, submit to a movement led by the greatest feminist Progressive of our day. Who am I to stand in the way of a trailblazer like that?”

 

 

 

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Beto’s Cash to “Buy F***ing Sh**load of Democracy”

Rep. Beto O'Rourke counts his recent campaign contributions | ScrappleFace

Rep. Beto O’Rourke, seen here in his Senate campaign counting house, said his recent $38.1 million fundraising haul will buy “an f***ing sh**load of Democracy for all of the people.”

(2018-10-13) — Texas Democrat Rep. Robert Francis ‘Beto’ O’Rourke said today that he suddenly realizes that a huge campaign war chest makes for “a more Democratic nation.”

This comes on the heels of news that his U.S. Senate campaign raised an astonishing $38.1 million in the past three months — a total of $62 million to date — in an effort to unseat Republican Sen. Ted Cruz, who leads in the latest poll by about nine percent.

“I used to look askance at money in politics,” said O’Rourke, beloved by Democrats for his use of profanity on the stump. “I now realize that having an f***ing sh**load of money means more egalitarianism, more fairness, and thus more Progressive policies for all of the people.”

O’Rourke said the reverse is also true: “The puny, paltry, $12 million raised by the Cruz campaign in the third quarter should be seen for what it is — a failure to buy enough Democracy for all of the people to have some.”

A ‘Beto for Senate’ spokesman clarified that the contributions came from individuals directly to the campaign, not from Political Action Committees, which channel individual donations to candidates.

“We’ve cut out the middle man to pass the savings on to the people,” the unnamed spokesman said. “Beto’s money is pure, direct from the source, cash. That’s the kind that makes the best democracy. It’s organic, free-range, pesticide-free, non-GMO bread. It even smells fresher and cleaner than the filthy lucre that flows like sewage to the Cruz campaign.”

The massive cash haul allows the Democratic candidate and his team almost unlimited travel in private jets until election day.

“The people want to know their future senator personally,” said O’Rourke, “They need someone to believe in. And thanks to my campaign’s unimaginable wealth, they can raise their eyes to the heavens and take comfort in knowing that I’m up there somewhere — fully-reclined, watching out for them.”

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As Kavanaugh Show Ends, Netflix May Pick It Up

Netflix may pick up Kavanaugh show for 3 more seasons | ScrappleFace.com

Industry insiders see Netflix as the natural home for the Kavanaugh series after its first production run ends this weekend.

(2018-10-05) — With the Senate confirmation process for Judge Brett Kavanaugh coming to a close this weekend, industry insiders say Netflix plans to pick up the series for at least three more seasons.

“The Kavanaugh hearings have been ratings gold,” said an unnamed industry insider, who requested anonymity to disguise the source of the trial balloon. “The story shouldn’t end here. These characters have more secrets, more innuendo, more betrayal, more heartache. America needs to know what happens next.”

Indeed, person-on-the-street interviews confirm that the Kavanaughs, along with Christine Blasey Ford and the friends who deny having seen her at crucial moments, have become household names, and almost part of the family in many American homes.

If Netflix does pick up the legal drama, expect lucrative product placement deals from Anheuser-Busch, and distributors of ginkgo-biloba, a supplement said to enhance memory.

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Democrat Senators: Sorry to Those ‘We Surely Molested’

(2018-09-29) — In a joint statement today, the Democratic men of the U.S. Senate apologized to ‘all of those we surely molested during the past several decades, though we’re not aware of having done so.’

Co-signed by all male members of the Democratic caucus, including Sen. Jeff Flake, R-AZ, the statement accepted “full responsibility for our disgusting acts that violated the trust of women in our lives. As a matter of principle, we believe the women.”

One unnamed Democratic senator said the Judiciary Committee hearing, where Christine Blasey Ford testified against Judge Brett Kavanaugh, proved that most women tell no one after suffering sexual assault or rape, and that huge numbers of women have experienced these traumatic incidents.

“Statistically speaking,” the Senator said, “each us has undoubtedly done it, probably multiple times, because we have not been accused.”

The members said they especially want to apologize “to women who will someday claim we committed such egregious acts — which we will, at that time — deny.”

“We can hardly imagine the shame and pain we will heap upon them when they publicly accuse us,” they said. “So we want to say, in advance, ‘We’re sorry that we won’t believe you. That’s not right.'”

Senator Diane Feinstein, D-CA, praised her male caucus members for their willingness to be so honest about “things that must certainly have happened, but which wouldn’t hold up in court.”

“We Democrats are always for justice in the abstract, if not in particular cases,” said Feinstein, “unless, of course, it involves someone from the other party. In which case the abstract suddenly becomes concrete, as it should.”

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Beto Committed: 6-Years-to-Life in Senate

(2018-09-27) — U.S. Rep. Robert Francis ‘Beto’ O’Rourke said he’ll serve at least six years in a federal facility that houses the U.S. Senate, maybe longer, with only occasional “time off for good behavior.”

The Democratic challenger to Sen. Ted Cruz, R-TX, used the pledge to needle his GOP opponent, implying Cruz dodges the question to keep his presidential options open.

“In one sentence: I’m committed to serving my full term,” O’Rourke said. “Departing early to run for higher office would be like leaving the scene of an accident. I could never do that ”

Rep. O’Rourke said Washington D.C. can make some men ‘intoxicated with power and craving more.’

“It’s my clear-eyed, sober, assessment that being a Senator is a staggering responsibility,” said O’Rourke. “Once you choose that road, you can’t just veer off in another direction without risk of hurting people.”

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Senators Seek Sexual-Assault Claims Against Selves

Sen. Feinstein leads Senate Judiciary Committee to seek sexual assault claims against Senators

Sen. Diane Feinstein explains the new Senate Judiciary Committee policy of seeking out sexual-assault claims against all Senators, as Chairman Charles Grassley respectfully dozes.

(2018-09-25) — In rare a display of selfless leadership and transparency in the #MeToo era, the Senate Judiciary Committee today voted unanimously to seek out allegations of sexual-assault against themselves, other members of the U.S. Senate and their staffs.

“There may be women, men, and others, out there who have kept silent for years,” said the committee’s ranking member, Sen. Diane Feinstein. “We can’t assume they would file police reports, or even share their trauma with another person, unless we proactively seek them out, and reveal their private stories…against their will, if necessary.”

Sen. Feinstein said members of the upper house of America’s legislature need to ensure that “there’s no double-standard” when it comes to Supreme Court nominees, or to Senators.

“Sexual assault allegations don’t simply surface, especially if they’ve remained hidden for decades,” the California lawmaker said. “They need to be coaxed, lured, ferreted-out and, sometimes, coerced.”

As shocking allegations against Senators come to light, the committee will immediately release them to the news media, along with statements of support, encouraging the public to believe the accusers.

“We must all stand before the American people in the bright light of truth,” Feinstein said. “As we have treated Judge Kavanaugh, so we must treat ourselves.”

To facilitate the new atmosphere of full disclosure, the committee has established a hotline, a website, an email address, and a private confessional booth staffed around the clock by Ronan Farrow.

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New Cruz Ad: Beto ‘Not as Cool as Every Texan Thinks’

(2018-09-05) — Sen. Ted Cruz, threatened by an insurgent reelection opponent who’s raising big money and packing rallies in Texas, today dropped “a powerful negative ad” pointing out that Democrat Rep. Beto O’Rourke is “not as cool as every Texan thinks.”

The :60-second attack video, plays over a heavy rock music track from O’Rourke’s former punk band and shows the young Democrat, his hair rakishly tousled, jumping a curb on a skateboard, swinging a jean-clad leg over a low-slung Harley, smiling humbly as he’s swarmed by adoring young women, and dropping the F-bomb with conviction in a public speech before a cheering, standing-room-only crowd.”

The game-changing ‘Cruz for Senate 2018’ ad ends with the distinctive voice of Sen. Cruz saying: “Beto: he’s not as cool as you think. He’s not as cool as every Texan thinks.”

Although the Republican’s campaign has turned defensive, an unnamed GOP consultant said he’s not concerned about the outcome in November.

“Sen. Cruz runs a well-oiled machine,” the consultant said, “and anyone who takes even a few hours to review his voluminous policy positions, including the copious footnotes, will respect his erudition, and will — quite possibly — vote for him.”

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4-in-5 Democrats Would Elect McCain President Now

(2018-08-27) —  A new Ipsos-Factos poll of registered Democrats, taken in the wake of Sen. John McCain’s death, indicates that some 80 percent of them would vote for the decorated war hero, legendary senator and bipartisan statesman, in a head-to-head contest with anyone from any party.

“There’s never been a Republican, a politician, or even a man, like him,” said one unnamed Democratic survey respondent. “He’s exactly the one we need at a time of division like this. He’s, frankly, the only leader who can bring us together as a nation, stop all wars, and speak the truth at all times.”

As news of the poll leaked out, the Democratic National Committee sent out a Tweet cautioning party members that “voting for the deceased does not offer the same benefits as voting by the deceased.”

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GOP Blocks Trump’s “Soft Bigotry of High Expections”

(2018-08-10) — On a 92-6 vote the Senate Wednesday approved an across-the-board pay increase for federal employees in 2019, ignoring President Donald Trump’s call for merit-based pay that would reward performance, instead of mere longevity. Most Republicans supported the general pay hike rather than what one called “Trump’s soft bigotry of high expectations.”

“Pay for government bureaucrats must remain competitive with that of unaccountable employees in the private sector, or we’ll have a hard time luring them to D.C.,” said an unnamed Republican Senator. “Not everyone is cut out for the tedium and lack of accountability required for government service. Those who do qualify are already coasting in cubicles below their boss’ radar in large corporations.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-KY, said GOP Senators came to Washington to stand up for “the  forgotten man.”

“In this case,” McConnell said, “that means increasing the pay of people who’ve been forgotten even by their own government supervisors.”

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