Posts Tagged ‘sanctions’

Obama Imposes Sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s Dog

Obama Sanctions Putin's Gods

President Obama today imposed sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s dog in an effort to force the Russian leader to pull troops out of Crimea. The retaliatory measures were suggested by German Chancellor Angela Merkel who told Obama of Putin’s special relationship with his dog.

(2014-03-20) — After Russia’s president ignored and mocked a first round of U.S. sanctions against his wealthy political cronies, President Obama today announced he’ll hit Vladimir Putin where it hurts. Not only did he announce new sanctions, he actually carried them out on live TV.

“With the full support of the international community,” Mr. Obama said, “I’m announcing today several crippling sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s dog — limiting his travel, seizing his assets, and shaming him before the global community.”

At that point in the news conference, Mr. Obama looked into the TV camera and administered the sanctions directly to the Russian dog: “You want to go outside, boy? You want to go outside?,” he said enthusiastically, before turning serious. “Well, forget it. You’re not going anywhere. Go lay down. Get in your box. Get. In. That. Box. Now!”

The president continued, speaking directly to the Russian hound, saying, “You like this bone, do you?”

Mr. Obama waved a sizable beef shank bone in front of the camera, and then quickly hid the bone behind his back. “Where’d it go? Where is it, boy? It’s gone! Your asset has been seized by the President of the United States.”

The shaming reached its peak as Mr. Obama gravely intoned: “Bad dog. You’re such a bad dog. Bad. Bad. Bad dog.”

A spokesman for the Kremlin confirmed that President Putin’s dog was watching the live news conference, and had “suffered immeasurably.”

“The President of the United States has gone too far this time,” Mr. Putin’s spokesman said. “All retaliatory options are on the table. Any that fall off of the table, will certainly be dealt with by the dog.”

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Kerry Secures Iran Pledge: U.S. May Enrich Uranium

Powerful listening skills enabled Secretary of State John Kerry to learn what Iran really wanted, and his close relationship with President Obama gave him the credibility to broker a deal allowing the U.S. to keep enriching uranium, in exchange for lifting all sanctions against Iran.

Powerful listening skills enabled Secretary of State John Kerry to learn what Iran really wanted, and his close relationship with President Obama gave him the credibility to broker a deal allowing the U.S. to keep enriching uranium, in exchange for lifting all sanctions against Iran.

(2013-11-23) — In a major diplomatic breakthrough, sources in Geneva say Secretary of State John Kerry has secured a promise from the Islamic Republic of Iran to allow the United States to enrich uranium to weapons-grade levels, in exchange for a “relatively trivial concession” — the complete lifting of international sanctions against Iran.

This latest Obama administration foreign policy triumph should help to reverse the President’s popularity-rating plunge in the wake of the failure of his signature health care law. It also bolsters his reputation for “smart diplomacy,” since no previous president has been able to get Iran to respect U.S. sovereignty regarding its own national defense.

Secretary Kerry surprised many by rushing back to Switzerland this weekend, just two weeks after the last six-nation talks aimed at defusing the Iran nuclear crisis. Although some in Congress saw the Obama administration’s efforts to placate Iran as appeasement, an unnamed source close to Kerry said the wily former Senator had a few “diplomatic tricks up his sleeve.”

“Kerry brought Iran back to the table,” the source said, “and ensured the U.S. will maintain its right to develop its nuclear arsenal, at least as long as the moderate Iranian President Hassan Rouhani remains in power. It buys Obama time to extract more concessions.”

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