Posts Tagged ‘recession’

Revised Data Show 6 Years of Steep Economic Growth

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Revised figures show robust growth 2009-2014(2014-07-30) — The White House today released revised economic data from the Commerce Department that shows the recession and stagnation of the past six years was actually a time of booming economic growth.

“Commerce periodically reviews the numbers and revises its estimates,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest (which is his real name). “The president was delighted to see that the latest revision marks the start of the turnaround on or about January 20, 2009. His second inauguration spurred another surge. These revisions won’t surprise anyone who really knows the president, or at least none who work for him.”

Earnest attributed the new upbeat perspective on economic growth to “President Obama’s skill in crafting executive economic policy, new insights in mathematics from Common Core, and some recent personnel changes at the Department of Commerce’s Office of GDP Review.

GOP: Obama Tanks Economy to Distract from Scandals

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(2014-06-25) — Just hours after the Commerce Department revised economic growth figures for the first quarter of 2014 dramatically downward, a spokesman for Republicans in Congress said President Obama is “tanking the economy to distract from Benghazi, IRS, NSA and other scandals which threaten to bring down his presidency.”

Unemployment line

Republicans released this picture of Americans lining up to learn more about Obama administration scandals involving Benghazi, the IRS, the VA, the NSA and Obamacare.

The U.S. economy reportedly shrank 2.9 percent from January to March this year, according to the new numbers from Commerce, but a GOP lawmaker immediately questioned the reliability of the data.

“I’ll believe the economy is in its worst shape in five years when I see the original emails from the Commerce Secretary to the president,” the unnamed Republican lawmaker said. “Now, the left-wing media will be chattering about the pathetic, moribund economy instead of what we Republicans have been talking about for several years. The timing of this is just a little too convenient, if you ask me.”

The unnamed lawmaker emphasized that he’s not a “conspiracy nut.”

However, he added, “Why do you think they released this horrible economic news in the midst of public uproar about the V.A. scandal, the IRS losing emails and Obamacare — not to mention the president being caught on camera reaching over the sneeze shield at Chipotle?”

A White House spokesman rejected the allegations, noting that, “The president learned about the lousy economy on the news, just like most Americans — or at least like the ones who didn’t already know about it because of losing a job, or losing their insurance, or having their adult son run up from the basement to tell them what he just saw on Twitter.”

Obama Reportedly Offered Sarah Palin Permit to Shoot “Wolves of Wall Street” from Helicopter

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Obama mulls permit

President Obama reviews text of a “presidential permit” that would have granted Sarah Palin the right to hunt “wolves of Wall Street” from a helicopter as a way to close the income inequality gap.

(2014-01-08) — As his economic recovery produced record corporate profits and a spiking stock market, but left millions of Americans unemployed or underemployed, President Obama reportedly considered granting Sarah Palin a permit to hunt from a helicopter for so-called “wolves of Wall Street,” according to an internal White House memo published today in the New York Times.

The revelation came shortly after Obama made remarks on the state of the economy yesterday, while standing before a backdrop of unemployed people who have been left behind by the recovery.

By leaking the memo, the administration sought to “assure middle-class Americans that no option is off the table in the president’s war on income inequality,” according to an administration official who was authorized to speak while preserving plausible deniability for the president.

“Everyone knows that nobody knows how find jobs for the millions bypassed by the Obama recovery,” the unnamed source said. “But the president understands that if you can’t close the income gap from the bottom up, you can certainly do it from the top down.”

Former Alaska Gov. Palin immediately took to Facebook to acknowledge that she initially welcomed the opportunity.

“There’s always fuel in the helo,” Palin wrote, “I’ve got Ted Nugent on speed dial, and we’re locked and loaded.”

However, Palin said her enthusiasm for the project waned when she realized the location was Wall Street, noting, “I thought they said K Street.”