Posts Tagged ‘Putin’

Putin Groomed ‘Brilliant Double-Agent’ Trump

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(2018-07-20) — Sources in the Kremlin said today that former KGB agent Vladimir Putin began grooming young Donald Trump as an intel asset decades before either man became president.

“Young Putin met Trump by chance, but immediately recognized in him the cunning, genius, strategic thinking, tactical mastery, and discretion required to be a brilliant double-agent,” according to an unnamed source close to the Russian president.

The revelation, of course, presumes Trump was already in the pay of the CIA, and that Putin hoped he could be turned.

“Putin plied Trump with money, women, book and personal branding deals, and fame out-of-proportion to his accomplishments,” the Kremlin source said. “Trump lapped it up, but never let on that he had become part of a long game to be Putin’s White House puppet.”

The two allegedly conspired, decades in advance, to lay the groundwork for a successful Republican presidential campaign, by having Trump cheat on and abandon wives, dive into the gambling industry, donate generously to Democrats, and studiously avoid learning about matters of policy, governance, or conservatism.

”All of Putin’s careful work has come to fruition,” the anonymous source added, “with the almost-inevitable election of a man who slavishly obeys what he’s told, and never veers from the script written by his handlers.”

The shocking revelation explains Trump’s obsequious news conference after the Helsinki summit last week, and makes his impeachment and conviction nearly as certain as Hillary Clinton’s 2016 election victory.

 

Obama Imposes Sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s Dog

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Obama Sanctions Putin's Gods

President Obama today imposed sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s dog in an effort to force the Russian leader to pull troops out of Crimea. The retaliatory measures were suggested by German Chancellor Angela Merkel who told Obama of Putin’s special relationship with his dog.

(2014-03-20) — After Russia’s president ignored and mocked a first round of U.S. sanctions against his wealthy political cronies, President Obama today announced he’ll hit Vladimir Putin where it hurts. Not only did he announce new sanctions, he actually carried them out on live TV.

“With the full support of the international community,” Mr. Obama said, “I’m announcing today several crippling sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s dog — limiting his travel, seizing his assets, and shaming him before the global community.”

At that point in the news conference, Mr. Obama looked into the TV camera and administered the sanctions directly to the Russian dog: “You want to go outside, boy? You want to go outside?,” he said enthusiastically, before turning serious. “Well, forget it. You’re not going anywhere. Go lay down. Get in your box. Get. In. That. Box. Now!”

The president continued, speaking directly to the Russian hound, saying, “You like this bone, do you?”

Mr. Obama waved a sizable beef shank bone in front of the camera, and then quickly hid the bone behind his back. “Where’d it go? Where is it, boy? It’s gone! Your asset has been seized by the President of the United States.”

The shaming reached its peak as Mr. Obama gravely intoned: “Bad dog. You’re such a bad dog. Bad. Bad. Bad dog.”

A spokesman for the Kremlin confirmed that President Putin’s dog was watching the live news conference, and had “suffered immeasurably.”

“The President of the United States has gone too far this time,” Mr. Putin’s spokesman said. “All retaliatory options are on the table. Any that fall off of the table, will certainly be dealt with by the dog.”

 

Obama: ‘Tea Party’ Must Decry Unconstitutional Move

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Obama Calls for Tea Party Uprising

President Obama called on his “Tea Party friends” to rise up against the Russian-engineered unconstitutional referendum in Crimea aimed at severing the region from Ukraine, and stripping the people of their God-given constitutional right to self-determination.

(2014-03-17) — President Obama called on the Tea Party movement in the United States to rise up against Sunday’s Crimean vote to secede from Ukraine, a move he has characterized as unconstitutional.

“It’s a violation of the Ukrainian constitution,” Mr. Obama said of Sunday’s referendum in which Crimeans appear to have voted, under the watchful eye of Russian troops, to move into the Russian Federation. “As a former professor of Constitutional law, I’m asking my fellow Constitutionalists in the Tea Party to decry this abrogation of the Ukrainian peoples’ God-given right to self-determination.”

The White House said the president sees the Tea Party as “perhaps the last bulwark of constitutional defense which we urgently need to stand against all enemies foreign and domestic.”

“No charismatic tyrant should be allowed to manipulate the masses into trashing the bedrock of a civil and free society,” said President Obama. “The framers of the Ukrainian constitution understood the clear and present danger of a dynamic foreigner sowing the seeds of internal division and thus tearing this great nation apart. The Tea Party should warn Ukraine that it must unite, or die.”

 

Troops in Crimea Merely Fetching Stray Sochi Dogs

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Russian President Vladimir Putin rescues a stray dog as a Japanese tourist admires his compassion. Putin sent troops to Crimea to recover the peripatetic pooches who fled Sochi during the Olympics to avoid Americans.

Russian President Vladimir Putin rescues a stray dog as a visiting Japanese tourist admires his compassion. Putin sent troops to Crimea to recover peripatetic pooches who fled Sochi during the Olympics to avoid Americans.

(2014-03-03) — Russian President Vladimir Putin scoffed at President Barack Obama’s suggestion that Russian troops invaded the Crimea region of Ukraine over the weekend, insisting volunteers went on a “mission of mercy” to retrieve stray dogs from Sochi.

“Obama knows nothing of our Russian compassion,” said Mr. Putin, as the former KGB boss suckled a rescued puppy at the bosom of his pet tiger. “The Olympic tourists disturbed our beloved freedom dogs, some of which ran far away, to Crimea.”

The Russian leader warned Mr. Obama to “stand down,” and stop threatening, because his forces would “remain in Ukraine until every last wandering dog is repatriated to the Fatherland.”

A Kremlin spokesman later added that Russian troops would also bring water back to Sochi, “water that is the color of clear.”

 

Putin Mediates ObamaCare Defunding Standoff

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(2013-09-18) — Russian President Vladimir Putin today stepped in to deescalate tensions between the White House and Republicans in Congress over ObamaCare. At this hour, it’s shaping up to be the Russian statesman’s second diplomatic triumph, just days after he convinced Syria to hand over its chemical weapons to the U.N..

Putin intervened after an Obama administration official, in what was later described as a “gaffe”, said Obama would drop his plans to deploy ObamaCare on the American people if Republican leaders would “abandon their party’s fiscal conservatism,” and back a number of sweeping new spending initiatives, new powers for the NSA, and new “limits on unreasonable freedom of the press.”

“I called Rep. Boehner and Sen. McConnell.” said Putin, “and explained Obama’s offer. They immediately accepted.”

A spokesman for Congressional Republicans denied that GOP leaders had “caved,” and claimed they lost nothing in the deal.

White House spokesman Jay Carney said Putin was able to broker the deal because of the way President Obama “projected strength” by playing golf in the midst of crisis.

Carney noted that while ObamaCare “as we know it” is now legally dead, the offer wasn’t a gaffe, because “we always planned to implement it by executive order and regulatory rulings anyway. We’re still on Plan A.”