Posts Tagged ‘Pope Francis’

Rep. Boehner Retires to Spend More Time with Money

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Pope Francis with House Speaker John Boehner

House Speaker John Boehner, listens to Pope Francis this week while wiping his nose due to a persistent cassock allergy. Boehner will reportedly resign to “be there for” his money.

(2015-09-25) — House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) will reportedly resign at the end of October to spend more time with his money.

Sources close to the Republican leader said the hectic schedule of a House Speaker has made Boehner and his money feel like they’re “two ships that pass in the night,” without enough time to “linger together and nurture each other, go fishing.”

“Speaker Boehner has certainly been surrounded by other people’s money, coming and going, but it’s not the same,” an unnamed Congressional aide said. “Sometimes a man needs to say ‘Stop the world, I want to get off,’ and just hold my money, and caress it, and let the bond grow.”

For years, the source said, “money has been there for Boehner, and now he wants to be there for money.”

Boehner reportedly made the decision to resign after listening to Pope Francis speaking to a joint session of Congress about the moral hazards of capitalism. The Congressman identified with the poor and oppressed who feel locked out of the lucrative opportunities enjoyed by the wealthy few “just on the other side of that revolving door.”

“The Pope — with his gold city, global travel and obsequious servants — reminded Speaker Boehner how important it is to care for the least among us,” the source said, “and standing next to the Supreme Pontiff, he couldn’t help but feel like one of them, and believe that there must be more to this life than just spending other people’s money.”

 

Outraged Pope Decrees Equal Pay for Female Pontiffs

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Pope Francis

Pope Francis reacted with shock recently upon learning the Vatican wage scale pays female Popes just 72-cents on the dollar compared to Pontiffs who happen to be male.

(2015-04-29) — Pope Francis today demanded an end to the wage gap that forces women to do equal work for less pay, which he called “pure scandal.”

To set an example of leadership, he immediately attacked the injustice with an edict requiring the Vatican to pay all female Pontiffs exactly what their male counterparts earn.

“They have the same rights,” Francis declared. “A Holy Father who is a woman does just as much work as one who happens to be a man. From now on, her paycheck will reflect that equality of burden.”

The Pope did not consult with the College of Cardinals before issuing the equal-pay Papal Bull because, in his words, he “knew the guys wouldn’t mind, so long as it doesn’t discriminate against men.”

The next female Bishoprice of Rome will still get full pre-natal care, obstetrical and gynecological services and paid maternity leave as part of her benefits, but more importantly, her salary and bonus package will match that of her male predecessors, adjusted for inflation.

A Vatican spokesman said a Vicarette of Christ will still have to wear the large shapeless pontifical garment, “but that’s a universal requirement, regardless of sex, and most elderly women don’t mind.”