Posts Tagged ‘Obamacare’

Ted Cruz Officially Announces He’s “Wrong for America”

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Ted Cruz announces presidential bid

Sen. Ted Cruz announced today that he’ll expose his wife and young daughters to 24/7 stalking and anonymously-sourced creepy tabloid stories, and so he became the first official candidate in the 2016 race for the White House.

(2015-03-23) — Sen. Ted Cruz, the Texas Republican, ended speculation about his future today with a speech at Liberty University in which he announced that he’s officially “Wrong for you. Wrong for America,” thus becoming the first candidate to launch a 2016 presidential bid.

To swelling cheers and applause of Liberty students, Cruz said he’s too Conservative to win a general election, has no executive experience, is the hand-maiden of Big Oil, a backer of vulture capitalists, and wants to force all citizens to bow to Jesus.

He also launched a whisper campaign on Twitter (@TedCruzWrong) that suggested he might not even be Constitutionally-eligible to serve because his father came from Cuba, and that he loves the Constitution because it “keeps women in their place.”

At the climax of the address, Cruz shouted over the crescendo of applause: “People I briefly met years ago will soon make it clear that I’m not the man I appear to be.”

The candidate, who claims he’ll repeal every word of Obamacare and Common Core, said a search is currently underway to find video or audio of him contradicting those statements. He received a standing ovation when he claimed he will “stand with the nation of Israel, because I’m a tool of the global Jewish conspiracy.”

Campaign staff have already lined up a series of “gotcha interviews” with Left-wing mainstream media personalities, and they’ve seeded campaign rally crowds with people who will insist that the candidate pose for selfies wearing awkward hats, and eating strange foods.

Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, said, “The RNC, as usual, will stay out of the primary battle and use the next 13 months to get ready to put our hearts and souls into electing Jeb Bush…or whoever Republicans nominate, of course.”

Obama Rebukes Gruber: Voters Are Not That Stupid

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Obama

President Obama demonstrates how Obamacare designers obviously hid what they were doing, “like putting something under a basket here in plain sight.”

(2014-11-18) — President Obama came to the defense of millions of Americans today, rebuking Obamacare architect Jonathan Gruber for public statements that the Affordable Care Act’s passage came due to “the stupidity of the American voter.”

“I disagree with Mr. Gruber,” Obama said, “The American voter is not that stupid. My advisors tell me that many of them are capable of amazing things. In 2008 and 2012, for example, millions of Americans drove to a polling place, walked in, and voted for me. I don’t think Mr. Gruber realizes all of the brain functions that go into that one task. You can’t be very stupid, accomplish that, and still return safely to your home.”

The president noted that many Americans also have purchased his books, “an achievement that requires visual-spatial navigation, at least rudimentary communication skills and perhaps even literacy.”

Gruber, an MIT economics professor, also misstated the “lack of transparency” that he said facilitated the bill’s passage.

“Everyone knows that our lack of transparency was no secret,” the president said. “Our surreptitious negotiations, and closed-door hearings were well publicized. No one can now claim they didn’t know that we were obscuring the details of the Affordable Care Act behind 1,200 pages of legalese. We were very open about our lack of transparency, especially with regard to the tax and/or penalty behind the individual mandate.”

GOP: Obama Tanks Economy to Distract from Scandals

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(2014-06-25) — Just hours after the Commerce Department revised economic growth figures for the first quarter of 2014 dramatically downward, a spokesman for Republicans in Congress said President Obama is “tanking the economy to distract from Benghazi, IRS, NSA and other scandals which threaten to bring down his presidency.”

Unemployment line

Republicans released this picture of Americans lining up to learn more about Obama administration scandals involving Benghazi, the IRS, the VA, the NSA and Obamacare.

The U.S. economy reportedly shrank 2.9 percent from January to March this year, according to the new numbers from Commerce, but a GOP lawmaker immediately questioned the reliability of the data.

“I’ll believe the economy is in its worst shape in five years when I see the original emails from the Commerce Secretary to the president,” the unnamed Republican lawmaker said. “Now, the left-wing media will be chattering about the pathetic, moribund economy instead of what we Republicans have been talking about for several years. The timing of this is just a little too convenient, if you ask me.”

The unnamed lawmaker emphasized that he’s not a “conspiracy nut.”

However, he added, “Why do you think they released this horrible economic news in the midst of public uproar about the V.A. scandal, the IRS losing emails and Obamacare — not to mention the president being caught on camera reaching over the sneeze shield at Chipotle?”

A White House spokesman rejected the allegations, noting that, “The president learned about the lousy economy on the news, just like most Americans — or at least like the ones who didn’t already know about it because of losing a job, or losing their insurance, or having their adult son run up from the basement to tell them what he just saw on Twitter.”

‘Little Sisters’ Unionize, Seek ObamaCare Exemption

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Little Sisters of the Poor

Nuns from the Little Sisters of the Poor order say they should still have time to care for the indigent elderly after they form a labor union, and even more motivation “since some old folks still aren’t registered to vote.”

(2013-01-04) — Just hours after the Justice Department contested the Supreme Court delay of a federal mandate for contraceptive insurance, a plaintiff’s attorney announced that the Little Sisters of the Poor would form a collective bargaining unit and seek an exemption from ObamaCare.

“The nuns have sought refuge in a higher power,” according to an unnamed lawyer working on the case. “By incorporating as the International Sisterhood of Mercy Workers (Local 316), they hope to join the dozens of other organized labor groups that the Obama administration has shielded from the devastating impact of ObamaCare.”

The ISMW will reportedly devote itself to electing Democratic candidates, and to activism and lobbying in support of the party’s legislative agenda.

“The nuns have taken a vow of fundraising,” the attorney said, “and view their new calling as a sacred trust to be accepted on faith, just like any other union does.”

A White House spokesman said the president was “impressed with the sisters’ devotion, and inclined to reward their repentance.”

Obama Pardons Potential ObamaCare Violators

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As his daughters look on, President Obama mercifully pardons thousands of Americans who lost their health plans and failed to sign up for new coverage at HealthCare.gov.

As his daughters look on, President Obama mercifully pardons thousands of Americans who lost their health plans and failed to sign up for new coverage at HealthCare.gov.


(2013-12-20) — With the December 23rd deadline ominously looming for Americans to sign up for insurance policies at HealthCare.gov, President Obama last night granted executive pardons to “potential ObamaCare criminals” whose insurance carriers cancelled their policies, but who have thus far failed to enroll in new plans.

The blanket pardon follows similar acts of presidential mercy recently doled out to convicted crack dealers and Thanksgiving turkeys.

The White House said newly-pardoned “imminent offenders” will be allowed to purchase sub-standard plans, or to continue without health insurance through 2014, and to perform 40 hours of community service to atone for their “crimes of omission.”

Although the federal government will officially view the pardon recipients as full citizens, “with all rights customarily conferred upon them by the executive branch,” nevertheless, the stigma might be tough to shake.

“Let’s face it,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “These people were about to violate a federal law, so their neighbors might be justifiably wary of them.”

The president emphasizes that there’s little likely threat to public safety, but encourages all law-abiding citizens to “take the ordinary precautions of locking doors, and of keeping an eye on your children until all your neighbors have fully obeyed the Affordable Care Act.”

Organizing For Action Makes ObamaCare ‘Opt-Out’

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(2013-12-17) — Organizing for Action (OFA) today announced that it will boost the rolls of the insured under ObamaCare by making the president’s signature health insurance law an “opt-out” feature for millions of young Americans already in its Obama campaign donor database.

“The best thing is, these new health insurance customers don’t have to do anything to join,” according to a confidential internal OFA memo. “If a donor gave $3 to the campaign at any time since 2008, he opted-in to ObamaCare. Of course, anyone can opt out at any time, with 12-24 months notice.”

The group had spent millions of dollars promoting ObamaCare to the younger generation with little success, when organizers suddenly realized the solution was right under their noses.

“It was like we were wearing the ruby slippers and didn’t realize their power,” said one unnamed OFA official.

“We have this massive donor list of young people who already agree with President Obama and who want him to succeed, and we already have their credit card numbers and PayPal debit agreements,” she said. “So, we’re just going to cross-reference that with the NSA and IRS lists, sign them up for ObamaCare, and hope enough of them don’t opt out to keep the plan afloat–at least through November.”

Obama to Drop the Ball on New Year’s Eve

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Obama to Drop the Ball

President Obama will personally drop the ball on New Year’s Eve in Times Square symbolically inviting young Americans to enroll in his signature health care plan.


(2013-12-14) — In a major effort to induce young people to sign up for coverage at HealthCare.gov, the White House announced today that the Department of Health and Human Services will be “the marquee sponsor of midnight” on New Year’s Eve in Times Square, and that “President Obama will follow singer Miley Cyrus, and personally drop the ball.”

“Millions of young Americans watch the countdown in Times Square,” said press secretary Jay Carney. “The president thinks it’s a great way to visually connect and to let them know that enrolling at HealthCare.gov is hip, it’s happening, it’s now.”

Carney added that Obama hopes that “young people certainly don’t miss the symbolism as the glittering orb descends from its lofty perch and is subsumed in the melee of humanity below.”

Unconfirmed reports last month indicated that the president would name HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius as “the official ball dropper,” but that he changed his mind after HealthCare.gov “started virtually functioning for the vast minority of users.”

The sponsorship decision has already paid off, according to ABC-TV, which announced that New Year’s Eve show host Dick Clark, 84, decided to enroll in ObamaCare because “I can’t be declined due to preexisting conditions.”

The President reportedly sent Mr. Clark a handwritten thank-you note, like the ones he has mailed to each enrollee so far.

HealthCare.gov Fixed: Now Smoothly Hiking Premiums

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Website glitches like this are a thing of the past, now that President Obama's tech surge has fixed HealthCare.gov so that customers can rapidly find out how much more their coverage will cost.

Website glitches like this are a thing of the past, now that President Obama’s tech surge has fixed HealthCare.gov so that customers can rapidly find out how much more their coverage will cost.


(2013-12-01) — After getting off to an admittedly-rocky start, according to White House officials, the ObamaCare website now operates as designed, smoothly doubling and even quadrupling premiums and jacking up deductibles at broadband speeds.

“Mission Accomplished,” said press secretary Jay Carney. “The president commanded the tech surge that dealt with dozens of bugs, and hit his target date. So now Americans won’t be hindered by glitches from getting exactly what he believes they’ve got coming to them.”

Positive public reaction was nearly immediate, with expressions of gratitude and congratulations flooding in from NPR, MSNBC, CNN and other Americans who had grown concerned about the impact of the website problems on the president’s popularity.

Obama Plan to Gamify HealthCare.gov ‘Catching Fire’

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(2013-11-21) — In order to lighten the load on the HealthCare.gov website, the White House announced today that each county in the nation will have one designated individual to apply for high-quality, low-cost healthcare on behalf of the citizens of that county.

Because the website is not designed to handle as many as 3,144 users at once, the Department of Health and Human Services will sponsor a televised contest among the chosen representatives, and citizens of the survivor’s county will get to move to the head of the ObamaCare application line.

“I know we’ve made some false steps and suffered some stumbles,” said President Obama about his signature legislation’s rollout, “but I’m confident that this is the final solution.”

The move, implemented by Executive Order No. 12345 late last night, “not only begins to address the challenge of America’s under-crowded medical waiting rooms,” the president said. “But it does so in an entertaining way, inspiring each American to cheer on his or her player, and to hope for the best.”

“While I’m sure Republican skeptics will predict failure,” Mr. Obama added, “I can already see this idea catching fire.”

Health Care Website Fails Despite Amish Beta Success

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(2013-10-07) — The failure of the new ObamaCare health insurance exchange website came as “a bolt from the blue” to the IT staff in the Obama administration, especially because the system had been thoroughly beta-tested for nearly a year among the Amish community in rural Lancaster, Pennsylvania. HealthCare.gov servers buckled under traffic five times greater than the maximum anticipated volume.

“We were firing on all cylinders during the prototype stage,” said an unnamed IT staffer at HealthCare.gov. “Page-load times were measured in minutes rather than the current hours, and that was after heavy local TV promotion soliciting Amish beta customers.”

The crew that coded Amish.HealthCare.gov said the telephone hotline was “practically silent” turning the trial period, meaning that virtually no problems were reported with the system.

“We thought we were, as NASA says, ‘Go at throttle up.'” the source said. “The fact that people now report they can’t login after dozens of attempts for almost a week is a real mystery to us.”

A White House spokesman said the president is “focused like a laser” on solving the problem.

“We just posted an invitation to our Amish beta-tester forum,” said Press Secretary Jay Carney, “We’re asking for volunteers to fly from Lancaster down to D.C. later today to do a focus group so we can get to the bottom of this.”