Posts Tagged ‘Obama’

Scalia Gone, Obama to Pick Black Lesbian Amputee Vet

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Barack_Obama_anonymous-court-nominee

President Obama is already practicing his congratulatory handshake for his Black, lesbian, double-amputee, military veteran Supreme Court nominee, played here by a White stand-in.

(2016-02-15) — Just days after the sudden death of Supreme Court Associate Justice Antonin Scalia, White House sources say President Obama will cast a wide net for a replacement nominee whose appointment Republicans won’t have the audacity to stall.

“The president already has in hand a short list of Black, lesbian, military veteran double-amputee jurists from which he’ll choose the eventual nominee,” according to an unnamed administration source.

Obama reportedly reviewed the list on Sunday, circled a favorite, then remarked, “Let’s see Mitch McConnell and the boys push that one to the back of the bus.”

Meanwhile, on the campaign trail, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, “I applaud President Obama, our dear leader, for striving to ensure that our highest court looks more like America — and frankly, less like me — than it would if a Republican were president.

 

 

Obama Checks Alaska Off Bucket List, Oval Office Next

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Obama looks at Alaska glacier

Barack Obama stands on the prow of a ship, gazing at an Alaskan glacier. He reportedly asked a local Eskimo guide, “How do I get to the Oval Office from here?”

(2015-09-02) — As he heads toward the sunset of his two-term presidency, Barack Obama has just checked “visit Alaskan glacier” off of his bucket list, the tally of things he’d really like to do or see before the end.

Next, White House sources say, Obama plans to visit the Oval Office, where “he hopes to really get a feel for what it’s like to be the chief executive of a Constitutional republic,” one source said.

“Everyone has those sort of ‘far out’ dreams that they’d pursue if they had the time and resources,” an unnamed spokesman said. “President Obama has the wealth and time to just go for it.”

Friends say that, since he was a boy named Barry, Obama has dreamed of “sitting at that big desk in the Oval Office, and doing whatever it is that presidents do there.”

Now that he’s near the end of his tenure,  one friend said, “he can indulge stuff like that.”

Obama associates said that if he actually visits the Oval Office, he might change its name to the original Cherokee phrase, which is “U-we-tsi-yu-s-di di-ga-lv-wi-s-da-ne-di.”

 

Boston Bomber Guilty: Obama Trades for Gitmo Inmates

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Dzhokar Tsarnaev

Convicted Boston Marathon Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev rejoices upon learning that President Obama has secured his release in exchange for five Gitmo prisoners.

(2015-04-08) — Just moments after a jury convicted Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on all 30 counts for his role in 2013’s deadly Boston Marathon bombing, the White House announced it had secured his release in exchange for sending five accused terrorists from the Guantanamo Bay detention facility to “any Islamic state, group or caliphate that will take them.”

“Mr. Tsarnaev is an American citizen,” according to a White House statement quoting President Obama. “We never leave an American behind if he’s held in captivity. Period. Full stop.”

It’s not clear, at the moment, with whom Obama negotiated the trade, but the White House brushed off suggestions that Tsarnaev’s crimes make him unfit to be exchanged for high-value terror suspects.

“You can’t conflate what Mr. Tsarnaev did, with the unimpeachable fact that he’s an American citizen,” Obama reportedly said. “Those issues are completely separate.”

The White House said the president would make remarks later this week from the Rose Garden, flanked by Tsarnaev’s parents, who are reportedly “grateful for his release, bismillah al-Rahman al-Rahim.”

Obama Challenges ISIS to Meet U.N. Emissions Goals

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Obama with Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, caliph of ISIS

Direct diplomacy between President Barack Obama and his ISIS counterpart, Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi offers “the best hope of bringing ISIS into the community of civilized nations by having them sign the U.N. climate change accord.

(2015-04-01) — With the success of his nuclear diplomacy with Iran near at hand, President Obama opened up a direct channel of communication this week with the leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), challenging the Muslim caliphate to meet or exceed United Nations Climate Change emissions standards by 2025.

The White House said the president reached out via text message to ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, suggesting various ways the burgeoning Islamic State might reduce its emissions of greenhouse gases.

Among Obama’s tips to ISIS for meeting the standards in the upcoming U.N. Climate Change accord, the White House released the following text messages…

  • “Rather than selling the oil you capture on the black market, cap the wells, then erect wind/solar farms on conquered lands.”
  • “I know ISIS loots, pillages and burns. But 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. Thnk abt it.”
  • “Instead of burning caged hostages, consider renewables.”
  • “If you must ignite caged hostages (because Allah wills it), avoid diesel as an accelerant. Opt for clean-burning biofuels.”
  • “Vintage Russian tanks cn b 57% less fuel-efficient than current U.S. models. (BTW, I cn hook u up.)”
  • “U know the major cause of man-man climate change is humans, but, frankly, the U.S. could learn from u about reducing that source. No advice needed.”

The White House said, “Direct negotiations between the president and the caliph over the existential threat of man-made climate change offers the best hope of welcoming ISIS into the community of civilized nations.”

 

 

 

Iran Agrees to Amend Official Curse: ‘Death to America’

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Iran Agrees to Amend 'Death to America' Curse to Goiters on America

(2015-03-24) — In what the State Department calls a “major breakthrough” in bilateral negotiations with Iran over nuclear weapons, the Islamic Republic has agreed to amend its official curse “Death to America,” softening it to “Goiters on America.”

“Obviously, President Obama’s investment in direct talks with Iranian leaders is paying dividends,” said Secretary of State John Kerry. “While an enlarged thyroid gland can be painful, goiters are generally just inconvenient and unsightly. I’ve spoken with President Obama, and we can live with goiters.”

As recently as this week, the Islamic Republic’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei endorsed a chanting crowd’s call for “Death to America.”

“The Ayatollah still thinks the ideal curse is ‘Death to America,'” said a spokesman, “but he is not altogether unreasonable. He’s willing to moderate the curse for the term of the nuclear agreement, in exchange for the lifting of all sanctions.”

Obama Tweets, Snapchats Netanyahu Congrats

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Obama Tweets Congrats to Netanyahu

Moments after exit polling showed Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu’s Likud party victorious in Israel’s election yesterday, President Obama sent this tweet.

(2015-03-18) — Few people were more excited about Benjamin Netanyahu’s success in yesterday’s election than U.S. President Barack Obama.

Obama, who views Netanyahu “like the father I nearly-never had,” closely followed the Israeli election results. When exit polls indicated a favorable outcome, he Tweeted to his 56.6 million Twitter followers: “OMG…Bibi and Likud make it 3. #NetanyahuDat?”

The president then ordered a senior staffer to take a selfie of Obama (he calls it a ‘staffie’), which he sent via Snapchat to the Israeli leader, with the comment: “Bibi FTW. So…that happened.”

“Israel has no stronger ally than the United States of America, and Prime Minister Netanyahu has no more devoted fan than this president of these United States,” Obama said in an official statement.

Obama Snapchats congrats to Netanyahu

Here’s the official presidential Snapchat to Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu celebrating his reelection.

“I’m sure that our close relationship, strong alliance and shared principles will only serve to cement the bond I share with my BiBiFF in the coming years,” he added.

A White House spokesman denied Republican accusations that Obama operatives had worked behind the scenes to topple the Prime Minister, and he played down suggestions that Obama was miffed that Netanyahu spoke to a joint session of Congress recently without consulting with him first.

“The President only regrets that he couldn’t get front row tickets to the Prime Minister’s Congressional speech,” said spokesman Josh Earnest. “He’s too respectful of the separation of powers to pick up the phone and call Speaker John Boehner. After all, the Speaker of the House is not Beyoncé or Kanye. One doesn’t just text him to beg for tickets.”

 

Obama Triumph: U.S. Reaches ‘Full Under-Employment’

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Triumphant President Obama

President Obama celebrates news that the U.S. economy has reached full under-employment, thus affirming his approach to “progressive recovery.”

(2015-03-06) — The Obama administration today celebrated a new milepost in what it calls “our progressive recovery” as government figures show the jobless rate dropped to 5.5%, wages remained stable, and the labor-force participation rate slipped to 62.8 percent.

“Thanks to President Obama’s leadership, we’ve reached full under-employment,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest. “Nearly everyone who still has any hope of getting a job, has at least one job — and often more than one. A lot of newly-employed people have thanked the president as they wash his golfballs, or pick the turf out of his cleats. It’s heartwarming.”

While critics focus on the vast numbers of discouraged workers who, long ago, stopped looking for employment, the Obama administration touted its skill at “clearing the field” for workers who can stay motivated for the months or years it takes to find new jobs.

“The nation’s employers are getting a better caliber of worker, and often for up to 29 hours a week,” said Earnest at the daily White House press briefing. “These are the survivors, unburdened of the arrogance of expertise, experience and education that can prevent an engineer, for example, from accepting that part-time offer to enter the creatively-fulfilling field of cash-register management, or linoleum scuff removal?”

The White House spokesman said the president hopes that the 37.2 percent of workers who have abandoned the job search, along with those workers who haven’t had a raise in years, and the folks doing minimum-wage jobs practically round-the-clock will, “for the sake of our progressive recovery, stay the course.”

Obama Mulls Plan to Ban ‘Nearly All’ Trigger Fingers

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Caught Red-Handed: This trigger finger, like countless others nationwide, is the leading cause of gunfire in the U.S. - - a prime reason behind Obama's planned ban.

(2015-02-27)– Just days after the BATF alarmed 2nd Amendment proponents with a plan to outlaw certain AR-15 ammunition, sources in the White House say President Obama is mulling regulations to ban nearly all trigger fingers.

“Guns don’t kill people, trigger fingers kill people, ” according to a leading expert. “In nearly all shootings, police finger the trigger finger as the proximate perpetrator.”

”The president knows that banning firearms is a non-starter with Republicans and many Democrats,” said an unnamed White House source, “but the finger lobby is relatively small and not nearly as influential as the gun lobby…although it does have a strong digital presence.”

Obama Asks Congress for Full Future Retreat Powers

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Barack Obama, Commander in Chief

President Obama has asked Congress for permission to pullout of any future military engagement with the Islamic State on a publicly-announced timeline. The Commander in Chief is shown in this file photo saluting a battalion of Army Rangers returning from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

(2015-02-12) — With the threat of an Islamic State conquest of Iraq and Syria growing by the day, President Obama has written to Congress for authorization to announce a future pullout date for any and all troops on a specified public timeline “without regard to battlefield conditions or the status of the enemy.”

Republicans have criticized Mr. Obama for past kinetic military actions taken on his own authority, insisting he should have sought the Constitutionally-required Congressional approval. But the White House said he’s learned his lesson.

“The president heard the message from the voters in November,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest, “so, this time he’s extending an olive branch, asking in advance for the power to withdraw our troops from enemy territory that we have not yet entered, and where he has committed to keeping American boots off of the ground. In essence, he’s asking to retreat in advance as a way to prevent an ill-fated American invasion, and to get us out quickly if we accidentally invade.”

In the authorization request, Mr. Obama assures Congress that he “will not conduct the war in a manner conducive to so-called ‘victory,’ as that would produce bad feelings against the United States and become a recruiting tool for fanatics who twist the religion of peace for selfish reasons.”

The White House said the president still reserves to himself the executive branch power to strategically leak military secrets to the media, to draw ‘red lines’ in order to sound serious, to make lukewarm public statements in which our troops sound like victims to be pitied rather than heroes to be honored, and to convey to oppressed peoples the false hope of American support.”

Township Man “Super Excited” to Watch Obama Speech

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Obama State of the Union

During last year’s State of the Union address, President Obama, overcome with patriotism, began to sing the National Anthem. This photo captures the moment when he belted out “O, say, can you see…”, as Vice President Biden and House Speaker Boehner hummed the melody.

(2015-01-19) — A township man said he’s “super excited” to watch President Obama’s latest State of the Union speech on television Tuesday night.

“I’m actually going to DVR it while I’m watching it so I can go back and review it later,” he said, “just in case I miss something while I was clapping or cheering or whatever.”

The State of the Union enthusiast said that perhaps the best thing about watching President Obama’s speech is “knowing that all of America is united as one, sitting in their living rooms, on the edge of the sofa, hanging on every word, gazing with admiration at all of the honorable leaders of this great nation —  their hearts filled with patriotic fervor.”

The unnamed local man said he normally watches “that hoarding show,” or just plays Call of Duty, but he’s been looking forward to the president’s speech for weeks.

“My wife knows to clear the deck, and keep the kids quiet on the couch,” he said. “They know better than to interrupt, even during all the times when every member of Congress, and the Supreme Court, are all applauding because they’re so surprised and delighted by what the president said. The suspense is delicious.”