Posts Tagged ‘Nicolas Maduro’

DNC to Stage 2020 Convention in ‘Affordable’ Venezuela

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(2018-08-17) — Citing an abundance of affordable hotels, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced today it would hold its 2020 presidential nominating convention in Caracas, Venezuela.

Explaining the historic decision to stage a convention outside of the nominal boundaries of the United States, DNC Chair Tom Perez said, “Thanks to Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro’s Progressive administration, the bolívar now trades at 6 million to the U.S. dollar, so Democrat dollars will buy a lot of anything that might still be available in Caracas.”

“Our DNC site search committee had the following priorities,” Perez said. “First, we looked for diversity without English-language hegemony, fairness and equality of outcome, sensible gun legislation, enlightened government leadership, and of course, low, low prices. Many Democrat-run U.S. cities scored 3-out-of-5 or better on our Progressive site-selection index, but Venezuela checked every box.”

Venezuelan society has become “admirably equitable” under President Maduro, he added, noting that food, water, health care and essential services have become “almost-equally inaccessible to all.”

During the convention, DNC delegates will take side trips to attractions like the Caracas Zoo where they can enjoy “a taste of the African savannah.” They’ll also dine on any familiar delicacies that make it through the luggage search at Venezuelan Customs.

 

Maduro: Drone Attack Proves Socialism Works

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(2018-08-05) — President Nicolas Maduro today said that an alleged assassination attempt against him from bomb-laden drones during a speech at a military parade merely demonstrates that Venezuela thrives under socialism, because “even the dregs of society in Venezuela can afford drones.”

“Donald Trump brags about his capitalist country, but many poor Americans don’t own even a single unmanned aerial vehicle,” Maduro said during a five-hour speech celebrating his triumph over “the evil plastic blasting bird” [una paloma blammo].”

While some firefighters on the scene claimed the blast was merely an exploding gas tank at a nearby apartment building, Maduro said that a “squadron of vicious drones dove out of the sun at supersonic speed before I utterly destroyed them with the force of my personality, and my powerful corneas, thus saving everyone from certain death.”

Venezuelan citizens attending the Maduro speech agreed with the president’s account of the attack, adding, “Are you going to finish that sandwich?”

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