Posts Tagged ‘NFL’

Obama: If I Had a 2nd Son, He’d Look Like Ray Rice

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Obama and Ray Rice

In happier times, President Obama is shown in this file photo playfully tickling Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice, who reminds Obama of the second son he never had.

(2014-09-08) — In another effort to fulfill his campaign promise to connect personally with the everyday lives of Americans, President Barack Obama identified with Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice, who was fired today after new video showed him punching his former fiancé in the face, knocking her out in an elevator in February.

“If I had a second son, shortly after the one who looked like Trayvon Martin,” Obama said, “he’d look like Ray Rice. And so, this story, like most stories in the news, is deeply personal to me.”

A White House spokesman clarified that “The president does not actually have a second son, mostly because he and the First Lady never had a first son. Like many Americans, they agreed to a ‘conscious uncoupling’ after they noticed how much waste and greenhouse gas their two daughters generated.”

The president said he has already dispatched Attorney General Eric Holder to Baltimore to keep the peace, and to make sure that the white team owner and white NFL Commissioner have not violated anybody’s civil rights by ending Rice’s $40 million contract and suspending him from the league.

Upon arrival in Baltimore, Holder told a crowd at a local barbershop that he remembered a time when he was detained for no other reason than REWB — Riding an Elevator While Black.

Redskins’ New Name to Honor Indian Casino Heritage

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(2014-06-19) — In the wake of yesterday’s ruling by a federal agency that the Washington Redskins do not enjoy trademark protection for their team name because it’s offensive to some Native Americans, the franchise owner is reportedly considering “bringing the name up to date in a way that reflects more recent Native American traditions.”

Obama on reservation

President Obama applauded federal action stripping exclusive rights to the name ‘Redskins’ from Washington’s NFL franchise. Obama is seen here in a file photo at a ceremony to mark the erection of thousands of power-generating wind turbines on Indian land. The tribal chief made a speech thanking the president, and giving him the honorary Indian name “Eagle Killer.”

According to unnamed NFL sources, the short list of potential new names includes “The Washington Craps Dealers,” since the Trademark and Trial Appeal Board of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office ruled that the name “Redskins” is disparaging, and not a badge of honor as team owners have claimed for years.

A White House spokesman said President Obama applauds the trademark ruling, which means that the Redskins’ owner can no longer sue for trademark infringement, “even if a thousand other businesses steal the name and use it on their products.”

“Finally,” the president said, “Native Americans get justice against a white man.”

Sources say other team names under consideration would acknowledge…

  • the relationship between the U.S. government and the Indian tribes — “The Washington Dependents,” or
  • the rich Native American tradition of overcoming addiction to distilled spirits — “The Washington 12-Steppers,” or
  • the freedom from daily toil enjoyed by many on Indian reservations — “The Washington Jobless.”