Posts Tagged ‘Muslim’

Obama Fears Backlash on Muslims Who Pledge to ISIS

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Obama concerned about anti-ISIS backlash after San Bernardino shooting.

President Obama in a somber moment as he mulls the likelihood of anti-ISIS backlash when news broke that one of the San Bernardino shooters had pledged allegiance to the Islamic State.

(2015-12-04) — Minutes after learning that one of the shooters in this week’s San Bernardino attacks, that left 14 dead and injured 21, had pledged allegiance to the Islamic State on Facebook, the White House urged Americans to remain tolerant of “differences”, in an apparent effort to head off an anti-ISIS backlash.

“Many devotees of ISIL are patriotic Americans like you and I,” President Obama said in a written statement. “They’re just peacefully reading the Koran and the Hadith and exercising their First Amendment freedom of religion, hoping and praying for the return of the Mahdi to reign over a global caliphate under Allah’s Sharia. In other words, they’re good people.”

A White House spokesman said the president knows that many Americans are prone to react harshly, even violently, against “people who aren’t the same as them,” adding “who can forget the atrocities committed by Christians during the Crusades, etcetera.”

Obama ordered the Homeland Security secretary to step up surveillance of anti-ISIL hate groups, and assured the Council on American-Islamic Relations that his administration will do everything it can to keep our “all too common bigotry and hate” from harming the peaceful people he called “Caliphate-Americans.”

 

 

Obama on Paris: At Least We’re Not Charlie Sheen

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Bindi Irwin with Parrot

Asked about what changes President Obama will make now that his ISIS “degrade and destroy” strategy has failed to even contain the terror group, the White House released this picture of a young Bindi Irwin, as evidence of American exceptionalism. “We’ll never let the terrorists take our eyes off what really matters to us,” the president reportedly said.

(2015-11-17) — President Barack Obama, at the G-20 summit in Turkey today, said the Muslim terrorist attacks in Paris this week were a “setback, but it could be worse. We could be Charlie Sheen, and have HIV.”

Under aggressive questioning from journalists who suggested his approach to ISIS has failed, Obama repeatedly sought to put the carnage in context by comparing it with other, similar, tragedies.

“Let me be clear,” Obama said, frustration evident in his voice and body language, “The loss of life and the gruesome injuries inflicted on hundreds of people by terrorists of no particular religion is very…very disappointing. And I mean very. But how many of us would want to trade places with Tamar Braxton? One day you’re dancing with the stars, and the next you got blood clots on your lungs and you’re off the show, watching at home as that little minx, Bindi Irwin, captures America’s heart.

“What about Miranda Lambert?” Obama continued. “I mean, you think everything’s going great in your marriage, and then you find out he’s cheating on you.”

Obama, known for his steady hand as “no-drama Obama,” urged the nation to emulate him, and take the long view when it comes to fighting ISIS.

“Look,” the president said, “if ISIL…which is an acronym that stands for nothing in particular…if ISIL drives a wedge between us — between me and the reporters who’ve come to love me — well then, the terrorists have won, haven’t they?”

Archeologists Unearth Trove of Muhammed Selfies

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Muhammed Selfie unearthed near Mecca

One of a collection of papyrus selfies by Muhammed, the Prophet of Islam, recently discovered near Mecca. Experts date the work sometime during the transition between the era of duck-lip selfies, and the birth of the fish face.

(2015-01-16) — Archeologists digging near Mecca in Saudi Arabia say they have uncovered a large collection of 7th century self-portraits of the Prophet Muhammed.

The ink-on-papyrus selfies have sparked an outcry among jihadis in Qaeda and the Islamic State. Several imams have issued a joint fatwa against “the artist who created the self-portraits of the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him).”

“Under Sharia, no one has the right to blaspheme the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him) by rendering his image,” according to the text of the fatwa, which was released in a series of 617 tweets early this morning. “Brothers of the ummah (Muslim community) are directed to seize the self-portraitist by the beard and separate his head from his blaspheming body.”

Although the Associated Press released several images of the Muhammed selfies to its affiliated news organizations around the world, The New York Times issued a today statement that “the discovery of the ancient self-portraits of the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him) is not newsworthy (peace be upon us).”

The White House also released remarks from President Obama who said, “The past must not belong to those who slander the Prophet of Islam (salla Allahu Alay wa Salam).”

 

Obama Finally Tweets Reason He Missed Paris Rally

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Obama: Je suis, donc je suis. #MoiMeme

Obama Skips Paris Rally to Plan ‘Jihad Against Jihadis’

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Obama and Biden in Situation Room

President Obama confers with Vice President Biden in the White House Situation Room on Obama’s “jihad against jihadis,” the president’s new all-out assault on radical Islamists and the book that they use as intended by their prophet.

(2015-01-12) — U.S. President Barack Obama missed this weekend’s rally in Paris, which drew leaders from 40 nations, because he was hunkered down in the White House Situation Room plotting what sources called “a jihad against Muslim jihadis.”

The absence in Paris of Obama, Vice President Biden, First Lady Michelle Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry has evoked global criticism. However, the president was represented at the rally by the U.S. Ambassador to France, said press secretary Josh Earnest, noting she had to travel “several blocks in heavy traffic” to get to the rally.

“The ambassador is, after all, an Obama campaign bundler,” Earnest said, “and what could be more personal than that? Didn’t Jesus say, ‘Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also’? The president’s heart was in Paris, with our oldest ally.”

Officials insist Obama would have attended the “Je Suis Charlie” rally, but he was sequestered with Biden and the First Lady, “mapping out a vigorous, kinetic war against the pestilence of radical Islam, and against those who, through passive assent, facilitate the Muslim terrorists.”

“The president is more convinced than ever that we’re at war against radical Islam, whose battle plan is a literal reading of the Koran as Muhammed intended,” said one unnamed White House source familiar with Obama’s thinking. “He can’t believe that world leaders are so reluctant to stand up and state the obvious fact, and to do something about it.”

A draft outline of the “jihad against jihadis” indicates Obama plans to shut down the madrassas–the religious schools for children that mix Koran memorization, with Sharia law indoctrination and anti-Western tirades. The president also means to take down the jihad-backing oil sheiks who hide in plain sight in U.S.-allied nations in the Arab world.

“We’re going to drill for oil in the U.S. until these wealthy Muslim gangsters are panhandling out of cardboard boxes,” Obama allegedly told Biden.

The commander in chief will reportedly threaten to close embassies in Arab states until they recognize and enforce universal human rights for all citizens. His ambassador to the U.N. will block efforts to recognize a Palestinian state until they change their charter to support Israel’s right to exist, and they eject known terrorist groups from the Palestinian government.

“When he was a boy, Barack Obama lived in Indonesia,” said an unnamed source. “He knows these people, he knows their battle book, and he’s the perfect president to take us to war against this millennial Muslim scourge.”

Allah Still Shaken Over French Satire Mag Attacks

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The messenger of Allah, sneeze be upon him, as he appeared during this morning's remarks about the satire magazine attacks.

(2015-01-07) — A spokesman for Allah today said the Muslim deity is “still shaken” over attacks at the French satire magazine, Charlie Hebdo.

The revelation comes in the wake of breaking news that two masked men opened fire at the magazine’s Paris offices, killing at least twelve.

“Allah–the most sensitive, the most emotionally-unstable–has taken these attacks very hard,” the spokesman said. “He still can’t believe people could be so brutal as to draw mocking cartoons of his prophet, Muhammed, tease be upon him.

When informed that his jihadists had slaughtered perhaps a dozen unarmed writers and cartoonists, Allah reportedly wept, according to his messenger.

“I hope my soldiers of peace are not too distraught that their devotional offering to me was so small,” he said. “There is aways next time.”

Meanwhile, French President Françoise Hollande offered condolences to Allah and reassured a shocked and grieving nation that “such attacks will end when we all learn the true meaning of the word Islam–submission.”