Posts Tagged ‘Mormon’

Mormon Church Rebranding Leaves Satan ‘Saddened’

Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™

Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™, leads a massive rebranding of the organization, dumping the term ‘Mormon’. Next on his agenda, sources said, is a stage set redesign to make it ‘less reminiscent of the blazing netherworld’, along with better up-lighting ‘to bring out his boyish charm.’

(2018-10-08) — Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™, this weekend called on the faithful to stop describing themselves as ‘Mormon‘ and their church as ‘LDS’ because using such nicknames hands a ‘victory to Satan,’ and ‘offends’ Jesus who ‘commanded’ the official 39-letter organizational name.

A spokesman for Satan said the Evil One is, “Obviously disappointed, and saddened by the rebranding decision.”

“The Dark Lord has struggled to make an impact, especially in the United States,” the unnamed minion said. “He’s worked hard to turn people away from the Bible and from trusting in Jesus as the one true Savior and God. He’s labored to convince them that their good deeds will outweigh the bad and make them acceptable to God. He just can’t seem to make any headway.”

“Just about the only victory Beelzebub has enjoyed in the past hundred years or so,” the spokesman said, “has been his success in tricking members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™ into calling themselves Mormons. Now even this small boast shall be taken from him.”

The source said Lucifer has been frustrated by the general holiness, righteousness and Christian faith which seem to have broken out everywhere from Hollywood to Washington D.C..

Indeed, it’s been a rough century for the Devil — what with all of the swords beaten into plowshares, and praise for the Prince of Peace resounding from every valley and hilltop.

Meanwhile, a source close to Jesus said, “The Lord is relieved to hear they’re going back to his original idea — which the focus groups loved — and he’s even texted President Nelson some catchy lyric ideas for the new jingle.”

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Romney Out: Wouldn’t Moderate Hair Gel, Warns Cruz

Mitt Romney displays gelled hair.

Mitt Romney displays his generous patina of hair product, which he cited as the main reason he will not pursue the 2016 Republican presidential nomination.

(2015-01-30) — Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told staffers this morning he would not mount another run for the White House because he’s “unwilling to betray his traditional, conservative approach to hair styling.”

“I’ve never been one to follow the polls, or listen to the consultants,” Romney told his associates in a conference call. “They told me I’d have the nomination locked up if I would just moderate a little, you know, drop the gel. As a Mormon, I don’t drink, but when it comes to my hair, I’ll never go dry.”

The former Massachusetts governor cautioned other potential presidential candidates to understand that “the era of Vitalis and Brylcream is over,” adding as an aside, “I’m talking to you, Ted Cruz.”

A spokesman for Cruz said the Senator had no comment, but reminded reporters of his unshakeable support for the Keystone XL pipeline.

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