Posts Tagged ‘Mitt Romney’

Romney Out: Wouldn’t Moderate Hair Gel, Warns Cruz

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Mitt Romney displays gelled hair.

Mitt Romney displays his generous patina of hair product, which he cited as the main reason he will not pursue the 2016 Republican presidential nomination.

(2015-01-30) — Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told staffers this morning he would not mount another run for the White House because he’s “unwilling to betray his traditional, conservative approach to hair styling.”

“I’ve never been one to follow the polls, or listen to the consultants,” Romney told his associates in a conference call. “They told me I’d have the nomination locked up if I would just moderate a little, you know, drop the gel. As a Mormon, I don’t drink, but when it comes to my hair, I’ll never go dry.”

The former Massachusetts governor cautioned other potential presidential candidates to understand that “the era of Vitalis and Brylcream is over,” adding as an aside, “I’m talking to you, Ted Cruz.”

A spokesman for Cruz said the Senator had no comment, but reminded reporters of his unshakeable support for the Keystone XL pipeline.

Romney Lists Factors That Would Spark 2016 Run

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Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney insisted again this week that he’s not running for president in 2016, “unless it’s inevitable.”

(2014-08-28) — Despite his oft-stated reluctance to mount a third White House bid, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney confessed to a talk radio host this week that he would reluctantly jump into the race “if circumstances change.”

“I loved running for president, and I’ll never do it again,” Romney said, adding that, “One should never say never,” and that life on the campaign trail was “a grueling ordeal that sorely taxed my family.”

“So Anne and I agreed that 2012 would be the last time,” he said, “unless, of course, a 2016 campaign is inevitable, and that would be understandably unavoidable.”

Pressed to list the kinds of “circumstances” which might trigger a change of heart, Romney said, “Well, these are such one-in-a-million long-shots that it’s hardly worth discussing, but let’s say I learned that one of the leading GOP candidates got indicted, or…

  • just couldn’t escape the shadow of his isolationist libertarian father, or
  • were soft on gun rights, or
  • actually hugged Obama just before election day in 2012, or
  • had no previous political experience, or
  • had thinning hair, or
  • lost his Senate seat by 18 points, or
  • had parents born in India or Cuba, or
  • had leaned toward amnesty for illegal immigrants, or
  • was related by blood to George W. Bush, or
  • swelled up like a blowfish since his last campaign, or
  • used even more hair product than I do.

“That’s what it would take,” Romney said. “Really far out stuff. But, otherwise, the answer is still ‘No’. And that’s a firm conditional ‘No’.”