Posts Tagged ‘midterm elections’

Beto’s Cash to “Buy F***ing Sh**load of Democracy”

Rep. Beto O'Rourke counts his recent campaign contributions | ScrappleFace

Rep. Beto O’Rourke, seen here in his Senate campaign counting house, said his recent $38.1 million fundraising haul will buy “an f***ing sh**load of Democracy for all of the people.”

(2018-10-13) — Texas Democrat Rep. Robert Francis ‘Beto’ O’Rourke said today that he suddenly realizes that a huge campaign war chest makes for “a more Democratic nation.”

This comes on the heels of news that his U.S. Senate campaign raised an astonishing $38.1 million in the past three months — a total of $62 million to date — in an effort to unseat Republican Sen. Ted Cruz, who leads in the latest poll by about nine percent.

“I used to look askance at money in politics,” said O’Rourke, beloved by Democrats for his use of profanity on the stump. “I now realize that having an f***ing sh**load of money means more egalitarianism, more fairness, and thus more Progressive policies for all of the people.”

O’Rourke said the reverse is also true: “The puny, paltry, $12 million raised by the Cruz campaign in the third quarter should be seen for what it is — a failure to buy enough Democracy for all of the people to have some.”

A ‘Beto for Senate’ spokesman clarified that the contributions came from individuals directly to the campaign, not from Political Action Committees, which channel individual donations to candidates.

“We’ve cut out the middle man to pass the savings on to the people,” the unnamed spokesman said. “Beto’s money is pure, direct from the source, cash. That’s the kind that makes the best democracy. It’s organic, free-range, pesticide-free, non-GMO bread. It even smells fresher and cleaner than the filthy lucre that flows like sewage to the Cruz campaign.”

The massive cash haul allows the Democratic candidate and his team almost unlimited travel in private jets until election day.

“The people want to know their future senator personally,” said O’Rourke, “They need someone to believe in. And thanks to my campaign’s unimaginable wealth, they can raise their eyes to the heavens and take comfort in knowing that I’m up there somewhere — fully-reclined, watching out for them.”

Share Button
 

Celebrities Urge Women: Delay Reporting Sex Crimes

Celebrities Urge Women: Delay Reporting Sex Crimes

Hollywood celebrities took to Twitter after the swearing-in of Supreme Court Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh, urging women to delay reporting sex crimes for the long-term good of the Democratic Party.

(2018-10-07) — Hollywood reacted aggressively this weekend to the swearing-in of Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, by urging women to delay reporting acts of sexual violence in order to help Democrats win future elections.

“If there’s anything we’ve learned from the Kavanaugh circus,” said one unnamed iconic actor, “it’s that long-delayed, uncorroborated, sexual abuse allegations fire up the base. It’s a recipe for a Congressional Democratic majority. Early reporting might jeopardize that.”

Experts say that, while immediate reporting may result in punishment for the abuser and thus reduction in the number of additional victims, the highly-personal and localized nature of ordinary crime reporting can’t contribute to a broader social-justice narrative like a long-repressed incident, dramatically unveiled at the right moment.

“Justice delayed is injustice weaponized for electoral war,” said one anonymous actor who plays an attorney on a hit drama. “With the passage of time, facts and evidence become irrelevant, putting the entire focus where it belongs — on the seriousness of the charge, and empathy for the accuser, unclouded by forensics or witnesses. This is how Democrat dominance is forged.”

The celebrities took to Twitter to urge women not to go to police, parents, or employers while memory is fresh, but to wait for years, perhaps decades, to “allow the rage to ripen.”

“Immediate reporting may give you a quick energy boost, and even the temporary satisfaction of justice served,” said another celebrity, “but if you, instead, allow it to fester and rankle until it swells up and overflows in an outpouring of bitterness — well, that’s what really moves the pathos needle at the polls.”

The coalition of celebrities pleaded with victims, using hashtags like #ShutUpAndSimmer and #PipeDown4Pelosi.

“Your years of trauma have a purpose,” the Hollywood stars said in a joint Tweet. “Your story — decades from now — might secure abortion rights for a generation yet unborn. It’s #WorthTheWait so #ZipItChica”

The coalition said that delayed accusations also allow time to determine whether a youthful abuser grows up to be a federal judge, or a Hollywood celebrity. This can help a victim determine whether to publicly accuse, or “to quietly take the settlement money so she can continue to work in this town.”

Share Button
 

Flake Relieved to Do the Right Thing After 17 Years

(2018-10-01) — Sen. Jeff Flake, R-AZ, who single-handedly forced an FBI probe into whether Judge Brett Kavanaugh sexually molested Christine Blasey Ford, told CNN Sunday that it feels great to finally vote his conscience after 17 years of public service in the U.S. House and Senate, because he’s retiring.

“For years I’ve told voters I would go to Washington and make tough decisions to do the right thing,” Sen. Flake said. “Now, for the first time in 17 years, I can proudly say ‘Promise kept!'”

Sen. Flake told CNN there’s “not a chance” he would have held out for the FBI investigation if he were facing reelection, because there’s “no incentive” to reach across the aisle.

“For years I have done what the voters wanted, rather than what’s right,” Flake said. “I feel like a new man. I don’t need to please anyone anymore…other than the private sector company that will soon pay me seven-figures as a consultant.”

Share Button
 

Trump to Sessions: Corrupt Congressmen Help MAGA

(2018-09-04) — The nation needs corrupt Republicans in Congress to maintain the economic growth that will Make America Great Again.

That’s the message from President Donald Trump to his rogue Attorney General Jeff Sessions, after the Justice Department indicted two GOP lawmakers just before the midterm elections on charges of misusing campaign funds, securities fraud, wire fraud, and lying to the FBI.

Trump said it’s not just the pre-election timing of the indictments of Republican Congressmen Chris Collins and Duncan Hunter that disturbs him, or the fact that the investigations started under the Obama administration.

“The loss of two men who know the family business, how to make deals, and how get things done, could cripple the operation,” he said, “and ultimately that hurts the economy.”

The president praised the “creativity” of the indicted lawmakers, noting, “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission, and you gotta break some eggs to make an omelette. Give me a half-dozen innovators like Chris and Duncan, and I can own the lion’s share of any market,” Trump said. “We don’t just need more Republicans in Congress. We need guys like these who play fast and loose, who grab for all the gusto they can get, and who are willing to get their hands dirty.”

The president added that, “This huge country was built built by men who shoot first and ask questions later, who get while the gettin’s good, and who leverage themselves to the hilt and say whatever it takes to get the deal done, while making sure the exit is paved with gold. I can’t understand why Jeff Sessions would want to squelch that kind of initiative.”

Share Button
 

5 Takeaways From Tuesday’s Special Elections

(2018-08-08) — With Tuesday’s special elections mostly over — Ohio’s 12th Congressional district result may trigger a recount — experts say candidates and voters can take the following lessons into November’s mid-terms.

1. Democrats spell ‘loss’ v-i-c-t-o-r-y: Merely inferior vote numbers can be deceiving. If the margin of loss should have been bigger, Democrats are de facto winners and should begin shopping for Congressional office drapery.

2. Trump-backed winners are losers: If the margin of their victory should have been bigger, Republicans endorsed by Trump may as well pull out of the race now and go home. His days are numbered, the new Democratic majority will impeach him, and…Russia.

3. Centrist Democrats merely faked Progressivism: Endorsements from Socialists Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Bernie Sanders didn’t help Progressive candidates to win primaries because centrist Democrats publicly espoused Progressive views. Today, the moderate primary winners go back to being JFK Democrats so old people will vote for them in November.

4. Democrats can flip 23 House Seats: Because…momentum. Democrats are filled with energy and a youthful spirit, so they’ll get out the vote to return Rep. Nancy Pelosi to the House Speaker’s chair for her second century.

5. Republicans must avoid Trump: With GDP growing at a fast pace, unemployment at historic lows, and taxes coming down, savvy Republican candidates must insulate themselves from President Trump, who shoulders the blame for the economic disruption he caused after the stability of the Obama years.

Discuss in Scrappler Chat

Share Button
 

Record High Jobs, Low Unemployment, Doom Trump

(2018-08-03) — The Commerce Department reported today that more Americans than ever went to work in July, and that unemployment hit an historic low. The latest jobs report virtually dooms President Trump’s Republicans in the 2018 mid-term elections, because Trump’s son, Donald Jr., met with Russians, his former campaign chief, Paul Manafort, bought an ostrich coat, and the president won’t apologize to CNN reporter Jim Acosta for calling the news media “the enemy of the people.”

The Federal Reserve this week upgraded its assessment of the economy from “solid” to “strong”, which means time’s running out for Trump-backed GOP candidates to explain why First Lady Melania isn’t always with her husband, and why his daughter, Ivanka, sometimes disagrees with her father.

Hispanic unemployment also hit a new record low, and Black joblessness remains near its new historic bottom, signaling that Republican candidates must distance themselves from Trump because everything the president has done so far constitutes impeachable “high crimes and misdemeanors.”

The disastrous jobs report comes on the heels of the Commerce Department’s foreboding announcement last week that GDP growth hit a four-year high, at 4.1 percent.

Minutes after the latest report, worried political consultants gathered behind closed doors inside the beltway to strategize how to rescue the GOP by engaging voters, who now have less time to watch political talkshows because they’re at work.

Share Button
 

President Obama on the Message of the Midterms

Obama Humble

 

Share Button
 

Obama’s 11th Hour Appeal: Please Don’t Vote Democrat

Obama in Oval Office

Obama wrote his final midterm election appeal in the Oval Office, between phone calls from Democrat candidates who begged him to endorse them, and to speak at their campaign events.

(2014-10-29) — With less than a week before the pivotal midterm elections, and with polls showing Republicans may take control of the U.S. Senate thanks to President Obama’s dismal popularity numbers, Obama today made his final appeal to voters.

“Please don’t vote Democrat,” the president said in a video recorded in the Oval Office. “I’m personally asking you to remember what I promised, and what I’ve delivered, and to trust me again when I say, don’t vote Democrat on November 4th.”

The White House said the president’s “Don’t Vote Democrat” message is backed by his record, and his credibility, and was recorded at the request of Democrat Congressional candidates.

“Right now,” said White House press secretary Josh Earnest, “the best thing the president can do to assure election of a Democratic Senate majority is to vigorously oppose Democratic candidates everywhere.”

To drive home the message of the video, Obama then rehearsed his accomplishments:

“If you liked your doctor and you kept your doctor, then please don’t vote Democrat.

If you’re now paying $2,500-a-year less for your health insurance, don’t vote Democrat.

If you feel safer from terrorists and infectious disease, and if America’s enhanced stature around the world — including our restarted relations with Russia, friendship with Israel, and the peace that’s descended on Iraq since I pulled the troops out — if that all makes you feel more secure, then don’t vote Democrat.

If the closing of Gitmo brings tears of joy to your eyes, and if the new civil tone in Washington, and greater brotherhood among racial groups makes you feel part of one nation under God, don’t vote Democrat.

If you look at the NSA and the IRS and they remind you that ‘government is simply what we do together,’ then don’t vote Democrat.

If you’re making more money at work, and spending more time on vacation and leisure, please don’t vote Democrat.

And finally, if your kid found a job right out of college, and you can make your basement a game room and workshop again, please don’t vote Democrat.”

 

Share Button