Posts Tagged ‘Michelle Obama’

Obama Skips Paris Rally to Plan ‘Jihad Against Jihadis’

Share Button
Obama and Biden in Situation Room

President Obama confers with Vice President Biden in the White House Situation Room on Obama’s “jihad against jihadis,” the president’s new all-out assault on radical Islamists and the book that they use as intended by their prophet.

(2015-01-12) — U.S. President Barack Obama missed this weekend’s rally in Paris, which drew leaders from 40 nations, because he was hunkered down in the White House Situation Room plotting what sources called “a jihad against Muslim jihadis.”

The absence in Paris of Obama, Vice President Biden, First Lady Michelle Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry has evoked global criticism. However, the president was represented at the rally by the U.S. Ambassador to France, said press secretary Josh Earnest, noting she had to travel “several blocks in heavy traffic” to get to the rally.

“The ambassador is, after all, an Obama campaign bundler,” Earnest said, “and what could be more personal than that? Didn’t Jesus say, ‘Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also’? The president’s heart was in Paris, with our oldest ally.”

Officials insist Obama would have attended the “Je Suis Charlie” rally, but he was sequestered with Biden and the First Lady, “mapping out a vigorous, kinetic war against the pestilence of radical Islam, and against those who, through passive assent, facilitate the Muslim terrorists.”

“The president is more convinced than ever that we’re at war against radical Islam, whose battle plan is a literal reading of the Koran as Muhammed intended,” said one unnamed White House source familiar with Obama’s thinking. “He can’t believe that world leaders are so reluctant to stand up and state the obvious fact, and to do something about it.”

A draft outline of the “jihad against jihadis” indicates Obama plans to shut down the madrassas–the religious schools for children that mix Koran memorization, with Sharia law indoctrination and anti-Western tirades. The president also means to take down the jihad-backing oil sheiks who hide in plain sight in U.S.-allied nations in the Arab world.

“We’re going to drill for oil in the U.S. until these wealthy Muslim gangsters are panhandling out of cardboard boxes,” Obama allegedly told Biden.

The commander in chief will reportedly threaten to close embassies in Arab states until they recognize and enforce universal human rights for all citizens. His ambassador to the U.N. will block efforts to recognize a Palestinian state until they change their charter to support Israel’s right to exist, and they eject known terrorist groups from the Palestinian government.

“When he was a boy, Barack Obama lived in Indonesia,” said an unnamed source. “He knows these people, he knows their battle book, and he’s the perfect president to take us to war against this millennial Muslim scourge.”

Michelle Obama Denies Calling Clinton ‘Hildebeest’

Share Button

(2014-06-23) — Putting to rest allegations in the controversial new book, “Blood Feud,” the White House today said First Lady Michelle Obama and presidential adviser Valerie Jarrett do not refer to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton by a derogatory name in private conversations.

Wildebeest and Hillary Clinton

The Office of First Lady Michelle Obama released this side-by-side comparison of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and a wildebeest to “highlight the absurdity of allegations in a new book that Mrs. Obama refers to Mrs. Clinton, privately, as ‘Hildebeest.'” An attached document noted at least seven obvious distinctions between the two.

“Secretary Clinton served our nation with honor and distinction,” First Lady Obama reportedly said. “It’s beneath the dignity of her several offices to call Secretary Clinton ‘Hildebeest’, especially here, under the very roof where she served as First Lady.”

The statement, on Office of the First Lady letterhead, went on to explain that “‘Hildebeest’ is a derogatory term because it combines Mrs. Clinton’s name with that of an African bovine, suggesting that she’s, in some way, like a wild cow. Yet, almost nothing could be further from the truth.”

“For example,” Mrs. Obama’s statement continued, “Wildebeests do not mate for life, but Secretary Clinton has been married to her husband for many years. So it would make almost no sense to call her ‘Hildebeest’.”

The statement also noted that wildebeests have coarse dry skin, and shaggy manes, but Mrs. Obama noted that Hillary Clinton’s hair is “nearly always neatly groomed.”

“For the record,” Mrs. Obama’s statement concluded, “If I had called Hillary Clinton ‘Hildebeest’ I would have apologized, but I did not call her ‘Hildebeest.’

Weeping First Lady Pushes Chicago to Ban Stolen Guns

Share Button
First Lady calls on Chicago to ban stolen gunsMichelle Obama tells Chicagoans that she’s just like a 15-year-old girl who was gunned down recently in the city, so it’s time for Chicago to get serious about banning stolen handguns.

First Lady Michelle Obama, in an intensely personal speech Wednesday, called for Chicago to ban stolen handguns, the most commonly-used murder weapon, in a city that tallied more than 500 murders last year.

Although Chicago already has some of the most restrictive gun laws in the country, Mrs. Obama said the city needs to “get serious about making illegally-acquired weapons illegal.”

The First Lady teared up as she recalled attending the funeral of a 15-year-old Chicago girl, shot in the back by a drive-by assailant, who reminded her of her own childhood in the same city.

“I realized that that young girl was me and I was her,” Obama said. “In other words, if I had been at that same spot just 35-years later, then Barack Obama would never have met me, and he would not be President of the United States today, so you would never get to hear this intensely-personal speech.”

President Obama said his wife’s gripping, emotional connection with that Chicago handgun murder should motivate Congress to pass more restrictive gun laws even if they would have no power to stop senseless murders of Chicago children.

“Republicans can argue that restricting magazine capacity, banning assault weapons or increasing background checks will do nothing to stem the tide of inner-city violence,” said the president, “but they can never counter the emotional impact of watching my wife cry. To them I say, your argument is invalid.”

Obama: Sasha & Malia Deserve Massive Debt Burden

Share Button
President Obama shares parenting tips with ABC's George Stephanopolous. "We're loving but firm," Obama said. "Sasha and Malia know that disobeying your parents has consequences. When they push us too far, Michelle or I will just tell them, "That's it. No more American Dream for you."

President Obama shares parenting tips with ABC’s George Stephanopolous. “We’re loving but firm,” Obama said. “Sasha and Malia know that disobeying your parents has consequences. When they push us too far, Michelle or I will just tell them, “That’s it. No more American Dream for you.”

President Obama on Tuesday told ABC’s George Stephanopolous that Americans should not feel sorry that their children will be stuck with more than $16 trillion in debt, noting that: “I have two teenage girls. I know how it is. They can get a little mouthy and disrespectful sometimes.”

“Sasha and Malia are getting to that age where they think they know everything,” Mr. Obama said. “So Michelle and I have made a decision as parents to, you know, if they’re so smart — let them figure out how to pay down the national debt.”

The Obamas have experimented with a variety of discipline methods from ‘time out’, to grounding, to taking away electronic devices for a few hours, but the president said, “Nothing we’ve tried has the lasting effects of a lifetime of crushing tax rates, crumbling infrastructure and bankrupt entitlement programs. We call it ‘tough love’.”

The president said he’s tired of Republicans talking like the next generation is “a bunch of little angels who never disobey, and who need to be protected from the consequences of their misbehavior.”

“If the kids can’t obey their parents,” Obama said, “maybe they can do without the America dream for a generation or two. That’ll teach them.”

The president added that when Sasha and Malia complain about this form of discipline, he and the First Lady, say, ‘If you think we’re harsh, wait until you’re living under Chinese communist rules’.”