Posts Tagged ‘Koran’

Archeologists Unearth Trove of Muhammed Selfies

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Muhammed Selfie unearthed near Mecca

One of a collection of papyrus selfies by Muhammed, the Prophet of Islam, recently discovered near Mecca. Experts date the work sometime during the transition between the era of duck-lip selfies, and the birth of the fish face.

(2015-01-16) — Archeologists digging near Mecca in Saudi Arabia say they have uncovered a large collection of 7th century self-portraits of the Prophet Muhammed.

The ink-on-papyrus selfies have sparked an outcry among jihadis in Qaeda and the Islamic State. Several imams have issued a joint fatwa against “the artist who created the self-portraits of the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him).”

“Under Sharia, no one has the right to blaspheme the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him) by rendering his image,” according to the text of the fatwa, which was released in a series of 617 tweets early this morning. “Brothers of the ummah (Muslim community) are directed to seize the self-portraitist by the beard and separate his head from his blaspheming body.”

Although the Associated Press released several images of the Muhammed selfies to its affiliated news organizations around the world, The New York Times issued a today statement that “the discovery of the ancient self-portraits of the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him) is not newsworthy (peace be upon us).”

The White House also released remarks from President Obama who said, “The past must not belong to those who slander the Prophet of Islam (salla Allahu Alay wa Salam).”

 

Obama Finally Tweets Reason He Missed Paris Rally

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Obama: Je suis, donc je suis. #MoiMeme

Obama Skips Paris Rally to Plan ‘Jihad Against Jihadis’

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Obama and Biden in Situation Room

President Obama confers with Vice President Biden in the White House Situation Room on Obama’s “jihad against jihadis,” the president’s new all-out assault on radical Islamists and the book that they use as intended by their prophet.

(2015-01-12) — U.S. President Barack Obama missed this weekend’s rally in Paris, which drew leaders from 40 nations, because he was hunkered down in the White House Situation Room plotting what sources called “a jihad against Muslim jihadis.”

The absence in Paris of Obama, Vice President Biden, First Lady Michelle Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry has evoked global criticism. However, the president was represented at the rally by the U.S. Ambassador to France, said press secretary Josh Earnest, noting she had to travel “several blocks in heavy traffic” to get to the rally.

“The ambassador is, after all, an Obama campaign bundler,” Earnest said, “and what could be more personal than that? Didn’t Jesus say, ‘Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also’? The president’s heart was in Paris, with our oldest ally.”

Officials insist Obama would have attended the “Je Suis Charlie” rally, but he was sequestered with Biden and the First Lady, “mapping out a vigorous, kinetic war against the pestilence of radical Islam, and against those who, through passive assent, facilitate the Muslim terrorists.”

“The president is more convinced than ever that we’re at war against radical Islam, whose battle plan is a literal reading of the Koran as Muhammed intended,” said one unnamed White House source familiar with Obama’s thinking. “He can’t believe that world leaders are so reluctant to stand up and state the obvious fact, and to do something about it.”

A draft outline of the “jihad against jihadis” indicates Obama plans to shut down the madrassas–the religious schools for children that mix Koran memorization, with Sharia law indoctrination and anti-Western tirades. The president also means to take down the jihad-backing oil sheiks who hide in plain sight in U.S.-allied nations in the Arab world.

“We’re going to drill for oil in the U.S. until these wealthy Muslim gangsters are panhandling out of cardboard boxes,” Obama allegedly told Biden.

The commander in chief will reportedly threaten to close embassies in Arab states until they recognize and enforce universal human rights for all citizens. His ambassador to the U.N. will block efforts to recognize a Palestinian state until they change their charter to support Israel’s right to exist, and they eject known terrorist groups from the Palestinian government.

“When he was a boy, Barack Obama lived in Indonesia,” said an unnamed source. “He knows these people, he knows their battle book, and he’s the perfect president to take us to war against this millennial Muslim scourge.”