Posts Tagged ‘Justice Department’

Holder to Walk: Attorney General Leaving Fast, Furious

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BREAKING

Obama and Holder in Oval Office

This file photo shows a recent Oval Office meeting between outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder, and President Obama. They discussed where Obama might purchase a necktie.

(2014-09-25) — A Justice Department source says Attorney General Eric Holder hopes to leave hisĀ post fast, furious with opponents’ attacks on his tenure as the nation’s top law enforcement officer.

President Obama, reportedly, plans to just “let him walk.”

“Of course, Obama will always know where HolderĀ is,” the unnamed source said. “Such a powerful person is easy to trace, in case the president needs to shoot him an email, or has a legal concern that’s sort of borderline.”

Friends and associates say the Attorney General hopes to “get a job in the private sector where the cops won’t hassle him just because he’s black.”

Obama Orders Review of Botched U.S. Murders

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Obama Deeply Disturbed by Botched Murders

A “deeply disturbed” President Obama issues an executive order to probe unfairness, and cruel and unusual punishments allegedly perpetrated by America’s murderers.

(2014-05-03) — News that several recent murder victims suffered “discomfort” during the attacks that led to their deaths has “deeply disturbed” President Obama, who this morning ordered the Justice Department to review how U.S. murders are applied, with particular focus on fairness.

The executive order follows another this week calling for a policy review of how the death penalty is applied in the judicial system.

The president acted after hearing of a recent killing in which the victim was left groaning in pain for several minutes after the murderer’s actions failed to have the intended effect immediately. Obama said the botched murders in particular raise “difficult and profound questions about who we are as a society.”

The White House said the president is particularly concerned about the unfairness and possible bigotry of the nation’s killers, who have a statistically significant bias toward killing young, black men — far out of proportion to their numbers in the population.

“We’re also hearing far too many stories of the wrong person being murdered in a drive-by shooting,” Obama said. “Too often these murder victims are oppressed minorities, many of them guilty of little more than being SWB: Slain While Black. Frankly, we need to be a better country than this.”

Holder: Gays Deserve Equal Treatment from IRS, NSA

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AG Eric Holder said the Justice Dept. will ensure that homosexual couples aren't overlooked by the IRS and NSA.

AG Eric Holder said the Justice Dept. will ensure that homosexuals aren’t overlooked by the IRS and NSA.

(2014-02-10) — Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that from now on the Justice Department will make sure that the federal government treats homosexual couples the same as heterosexuals, ensuring equally-vigorous IRS scrutiny for their political groups, generous NSA eavesdropping on personal communications, and proactive government exclusion of their viewpoints from the public schools.

“I’ve grown concerned recently that gay people are not receiving the kind of attention they should from the federal government,” said Holder. “We don’t know for a fact that government policy excludes gay people, but the seriousness of the allegation is sufficient to merit additional funding and staffing to ensure that both civil rights and civil constraints are equally applicable to all.”

The Attorney General said federal recognition of gay marriages is the keystone in an “equitable-compliance” regimen.

“Once we register gay marriages in our database,” Holder said. “we can make sure that heterosexuals aren’t being favored with more IRS audits, for example. And gay people should also know that the NSA listens to their concerns, as well as to other details of their lives. Your federal government is there for you.”

An unnamed spokesman for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) community praised Holder’s “long overdue” statement, noting that without an explicit mandate, government agencies may have inadvertently neglected to give the same level of attention to LGBT persons as it has to people still clinging to what he/she called “legacy sexual identity” (LSI).

“It’s an issue of fairness and compliance,” the spokesman said. “We simply want to ensure that the government doesn’t discriminate in its delivery of comprehensive monitoring and aggressive regulation just because of who you love.”

‘Little Sisters’ Unionize, Seek ObamaCare Exemption

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Little Sisters of the Poor

Nuns from the Little Sisters of the Poor order say they should still have time to care for the indigent elderly after they form a labor union, and even more motivation “since some old folks still aren’t registered to vote.”

(2013-01-04) — Just hours after the Justice Department contested the Supreme Court delay of a federal mandate for contraceptive insurance, a plaintiff’s attorney announced that the Little Sisters of the Poor would form a collective bargaining unit and seek an exemption from ObamaCare.

“The nuns have sought refuge in a higher power,” according to an unnamed lawyer working on the case. “By incorporating as the International Sisterhood of Mercy Workers (Local 316), they hope to join the dozens of other organized labor groups that the Obama administration has shielded from the devastating impact of ObamaCare.”

The ISMW will reportedly devote itself to electing Democratic candidates, and to activism and lobbying in support of the party’s legislative agenda.

“The nuns have taken a vow of fundraising,” the attorney said, “and view their new calling as a sacred trust to be accepted on faith, just like any other union does.”

A White House spokesman said the president was “impressed with the sisters’ devotion, and inclined to reward their repentance.”