Posts Tagged ‘Jay Carney’

Obama’s Marijuana ‘Less Dangerous’ Remark Clarified

Obama smoking

The White House clarified the president’s suggestion that smoking pot is “less dangerous” than drinking alcohol, by releasing a list of potentially-harmful long-term side effects, which it soon retracted. Asked later to comment on the mixed message, Obama said, “What?”.

(2014-01-20) — A recent New Yorker interview with President Obama has left parents struggling to explain to their children why they should not smoke marijuana, as it becomes legal in more and more states.

In the interview, Obama said marijuana use was “less dangerous” than alcohol “in terms of its impact on the individual consumer.”

In an effort to clarify, the White House this morning released a list of potentially-negative side effects of the drug Obama admits he used in his youth.

“The president doesn’t want to give the impression that his historic experimentation with marijuana implies he condones it for young people,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “He has told his own daughters he thinks it’s a ‘bad habit,’ and has said that if he had a son who looked like Trayvon Martin, he would counsel his boy that pot smoking is ‘a waste of time,’ and ‘not very healthy.'”

Critics suggested the president was less than clear and forceful, so this morning the White House released the following list of potentially harmful long-term side-effects of recreational marijuana usage.

“President Obama wants American kids to know that frequent marijuana usage can lead to…

  • Lethargic reactions to dangerous situations behind the wheel or when your consulate is attacked.
  • Feelings of immortality, omniscience and omnipotence, leading to attempts to “do the impossible,” or take over entire economic sectors.
  • Cravings for foods that are on the First Lady’s ‘no-no list’
  • ‘Running with the wrong crowd,’ including petty law-breakers, communist dictators, Islamist warlords and even political consultants.
  • Irresistible urges to flee responsibility, and spend countless hours at places where there’s ‘lots of grass’.
  • Inattention to detail in written instructions, like laws or the U.S. Constitution.”

The White House retracted the list later in the morning, noting that the president didn’t recall approving its release.

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Obama Pardons Potential ObamaCare Violators

As his daughters look on, President Obama mercifully pardons thousands of Americans who lost their health plans and failed to sign up for new coverage at HealthCare.gov.

As his daughters look on, President Obama mercifully pardons thousands of Americans who lost their health plans and failed to sign up for new coverage at HealthCare.gov.


(2013-12-20) — With the December 23rd deadline ominously looming for Americans to sign up for insurance policies at HealthCare.gov, President Obama last night granted executive pardons to “potential ObamaCare criminals” whose insurance carriers cancelled their policies, but who have thus far failed to enroll in new plans.

The blanket pardon follows similar acts of presidential mercy recently doled out to convicted crack dealers and Thanksgiving turkeys.

The White House said newly-pardoned “imminent offenders” will be allowed to purchase sub-standard plans, or to continue without health insurance through 2014, and to perform 40 hours of community service to atone for their “crimes of omission.”

Although the federal government will officially view the pardon recipients as full citizens, “with all rights customarily conferred upon them by the executive branch,” nevertheless, the stigma might be tough to shake.

“Let’s face it,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “These people were about to violate a federal law, so their neighbors might be justifiably wary of them.”

The president emphasizes that there’s little likely threat to public safety, but encourages all law-abiding citizens to “take the ordinary precautions of locking doors, and of keeping an eye on your children until all your neighbors have fully obeyed the Affordable Care Act.”

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Obama: A&E Should Reinstate ‘Duck Dynasty’ Patriarch

Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasy

Phil Robertson, star of A&E’s ‘Duck Dynasty’, said he’s humbled by President Obama’s support, after losing his job due to comments about homosexuality.


(2013-12-19) — Calling A&E’s suspension of ‘Duck Dynasty’ patriarch Phil Robertson “a chilling crackdown on free speech in an artistic community that should value individual expression,” President Barack Obama today urged the Arts & Entertainment network to reinstate Robertson immediately, and to apologize for its “hypocrisy.”

“There are no bigger fans of Duck Dynasty than Michele and me,” Obama said. “And while I have my disagreements with Mr. Robertson’s views on homosexuality, as expressed in GQ magazine, I’ll defend with my last breath Robertson’s right to express those views.”

The White House acknowledged that the private company has the right to fire Robertson for expressing his opinion, based on the Bible, that homosexuality is one kind of sin among many.

“But the president felt compelled to speak out,” said press secretary Jay Carney, “because his silence might be perceived as assent among his many entertainment industry supporters who hold freedom of expression in the highest esteem.”

Indeed, the Screen Actors Guild, Writers Guild of America and dozens of A-list movie and TV stars issued news releases or held press conferences echoing the president’s call to let Robertson return to the highest-rated show in the history of cable television.

“A chill wind is blowing in this nation,” said actor-director Tim Robbins. “It’s great to see President Obama speaking out against ideological intimidation that masquerades as tolerance and diversity.”

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HealthCare.gov Fixed: Now Smoothly Hiking Premiums

Website glitches like this are a thing of the past, now that President Obama's tech surge has fixed HealthCare.gov so that customers can rapidly find out how much more their coverage will cost.

Website glitches like this are a thing of the past, now that President Obama’s tech surge has fixed HealthCare.gov so that customers can rapidly find out how much more their coverage will cost.


(2013-12-01) — After getting off to an admittedly-rocky start, according to White House officials, the ObamaCare website now operates as designed, smoothly doubling and even quadrupling premiums and jacking up deductibles at broadband speeds.

“Mission Accomplished,” said press secretary Jay Carney. “The president commanded the tech surge that dealt with dozens of bugs, and hit his target date. So now Americans won’t be hindered by glitches from getting exactly what he believes they’ve got coming to them.”

Positive public reaction was nearly immediate, with expressions of gratitude and congratulations flooding in from NPR, MSNBC, CNN and other Americans who had grown concerned about the impact of the website problems on the president’s popularity.

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Carney: 53% of Americans Lie about Obama’s Honesty

President Obama

President Obama hopes the majority of the American people will confess their dishonesty in the wake of a new poll that shows 53% of them believe the president is not honest and trustworthy.


(2013-11-25) — Most Americans lied about President Obama’s honesty in a new CNN-ORC International poll, according to the White House.

The new poll shows that for the first time, most Americans (53%) don’t think that Mr. Obama is honest or trustworthy.

“What this poll really shows,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney, “is that 53% of Americans can’t be trusted when it comes to the president’s credibility. And if they’ll lie about something so important, what else are they shading the truth about?”

Carney said the president is “deeply disappointed in the majority of the American people,” yet remains hopeful that they will “consider how their dishonesty reflects upon this country, and take the earliest opportunity to confess that they lied, and to issue a class-action apology.”

The CNN-ORC poll also showed that just 40% of Americans think President Obama “can manage the government effectively,” a number that has dropped 12 points since June.

Carney dismissed that finding, noting that “very few Americans have the skills it takes to recognize that the president is a terrific manager.”

“It’s not their fault,” the press secretary added. “The American people are just incompetent.”

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Health Care Website Fails Despite Amish Beta Success

(2013-10-07) — The failure of the new ObamaCare health insurance exchange website came as “a bolt from the blue” to the IT staff in the Obama administration, especially because the system had been thoroughly beta-tested for nearly a year among the Amish community in rural Lancaster, Pennsylvania. HealthCare.gov servers buckled under traffic five times greater than the maximum anticipated volume.

“We were firing on all cylinders during the prototype stage,” said an unnamed IT staffer at HealthCare.gov. “Page-load times were measured in minutes rather than the current hours, and that was after heavy local TV promotion soliciting Amish beta customers.”

The crew that coded Amish.HealthCare.gov said the telephone hotline was “practically silent” turning the trial period, meaning that virtually no problems were reported with the system.

“We thought we were, as NASA says, ‘Go at throttle up.'” the source said. “The fact that people now report they can’t login after dozens of attempts for almost a week is a real mystery to us.”

A White House spokesman said the president is “focused like a laser” on solving the problem.

“We just posted an invitation to our Amish beta-tester forum,” said Press Secretary Jay Carney, “We’re asking for volunteers to fly from Lancaster down to D.C. later today to do a focus group so we can get to the bottom of this.”

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Obama Alive & Well, White House Says, Chavez Dead

Obama is "alive and well," White House says. "It's Hugo Chavez you've heard about in today's news."The White House, in an effort tamp down viral rumors, took the unusual step of releasing a statement that President Barack Obama is “alive and well.”

The terse statement comes in response to internet rumors that a charismatic, eloquent, leader who swept to power promising to take money from the petroleum industry to fund entitlement programs, had died. The White House clarified that it was, in fact, Venezuela’s socialist President Hugo Chavez who passed away after a long battle with cancer.

“Some people just skim the news, or hear a snippet as they walk by the TV,” said White House spokesman Jay Carney. “Anyone out there can make a mistake — it gets on Twitter, and all the sudden I’ve got 270,000 condolences in my inbox.”

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