Posts Tagged ‘ISIS’

Obama on Paris: At Least We’re Not Charlie Sheen

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Bindi Irwin with Parrot

Asked about what changes President Obama will make now that his ISIS “degrade and destroy” strategy has failed to even contain the terror group, the White House released this picture of a young Bindi Irwin, as evidence of American exceptionalism. “We’ll never let the terrorists take our eyes off what really matters to us,” the president reportedly said.

(2015-11-17) — President Barack Obama, at the G-20 summit in Turkey today, said the Muslim terrorist attacks in Paris this week were a “setback, but it could be worse. We could be Charlie Sheen, and have HIV.”

Under aggressive questioning from journalists who suggested his approach to ISIS has failed, Obama repeatedly sought to put the carnage in context by comparing it with other, similar, tragedies.

“Let me be clear,” Obama said, frustration evident in his voice and body language, “The loss of life and the gruesome injuries inflicted on hundreds of people by terrorists of no particular religion is very…very disappointing. And I mean very. But how many of us would want to trade places with Tamar Braxton? One day you’re dancing with the stars, and the next you got blood clots on your lungs and you’re off the show, watching at home as that little minx, Bindi Irwin, captures America’s heart.

“What about Miranda Lambert?” Obama continued. “I mean, you think everything’s going great in your marriage, and then you find out he’s cheating on you.”

Obama, known for his steady hand as “no-drama Obama,” urged the nation to emulate him, and take the long view when it comes to fighting ISIS.

“Look,” the president said, “if ISIL…which is an acronym that stands for nothing in particular…if ISIL drives a wedge between us — between me and the reporters who’ve come to love me — well then, the terrorists have won, haven’t they?”

Obama Challenges ISIS to Meet U.N. Emissions Goals

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Obama with Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, caliph of ISIS

Direct diplomacy between President Barack Obama and his ISIS counterpart, Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi offers “the best hope of bringing ISIS into the community of civilized nations by having them sign the U.N. climate change accord.

(2015-04-01) — With the success of his nuclear diplomacy with Iran near at hand, President Obama opened up a direct channel of communication this week with the leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), challenging the Muslim caliphate to meet or exceed United Nations Climate Change emissions standards by 2025.

The White House said the president reached out via text message to ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, suggesting various ways the burgeoning Islamic State might reduce its emissions of greenhouse gases.

Among Obama’s tips to ISIS for meeting the standards in the upcoming U.N. Climate Change accord, the White House released the following text messages…

  • “Rather than selling the oil you capture on the black market, cap the wells, then erect wind/solar farms on conquered lands.”
  • “I know ISIS loots, pillages and burns. But 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. Thnk abt it.”
  • “Instead of burning caged hostages, consider renewables.”
  • “If you must ignite caged hostages (because Allah wills it), avoid diesel as an accelerant. Opt for clean-burning biofuels.”
  • “Vintage Russian tanks cn b 57% less fuel-efficient than current U.S. models. (BTW, I cn hook u up.)”
  • “U know the major cause of man-man climate change is humans, but, frankly, the U.S. could learn from u about reducing that source. No advice needed.”

The White House said, “Direct negotiations between the president and the caliph over the existential threat of man-made climate change offers the best hope of welcoming ISIS into the community of civilized nations.”

 

 

 

Obama Asks Congress for Full Future Retreat Powers

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Barack Obama, Commander in Chief

President Obama has asked Congress for permission to pullout of any future military engagement with the Islamic State on a publicly-announced timeline. The Commander in Chief is shown in this file photo saluting a battalion of Army Rangers returning from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

(2015-02-12) — With the threat of an Islamic State conquest of Iraq and Syria growing by the day, President Obama has written to Congress for authorization to announce a future pullout date for any and all troops on a specified public timeline “without regard to battlefield conditions or the status of the enemy.”

Republicans have criticized Mr. Obama for past kinetic military actions taken on his own authority, insisting he should have sought the Constitutionally-required Congressional approval. But the White House said he’s learned his lesson.

“The president heard the message from the voters in November,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest, “so, this time he’s extending an olive branch, asking in advance for the power to withdraw our troops from enemy territory that we have not yet entered, and where he has committed to keeping American boots off of the ground. In essence, he’s asking to retreat in advance as a way to prevent an ill-fated American invasion, and to get us out quickly if we accidentally invade.”

In the authorization request, Mr. Obama assures Congress that he “will not conduct the war in a manner conducive to so-called ‘victory,’ as that would produce bad feelings against the United States and become a recruiting tool for fanatics who twist the religion of peace for selfish reasons.”

The White House said the president still reserves to himself the executive branch power to strategically leak military secrets to the media, to draw ‘red lines’ in order to sound serious, to make lukewarm public statements in which our troops sound like victims to be pitied rather than heroes to be honored, and to convey to oppressed peoples the false hope of American support.”

Obama Threatens Use of Unmanned Oval Office

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(2014-06-16) — Standing next to Marine One, the presidential helicopter, Barack Obama said Sunday that he would not lead ground forces into the White House to solve the escalating crisis in Iraq, as Sunni militants, inspired by al-Qaeda, capture one town after another in an attempt to establish a Muslim caliphate.

President Obama remotely controls Oval Office.

President Obama demonstrates how he can remotely control an unmanned Oval Office and Situation Room. “I don’t even have to face the White House when I do this,” the president noted.

Instead, the president threatened the use of an unmanned Oval Office and Situation Room, even as he received Tweet-briefings from Secretary of State John Kerry, who is remotely overseeing the evacuation of the U.S. embassy in Tal Afar.

Mr. Obama, on vacation with his family, hit the links for a round of golf on a course owned by tech billionaire Larry Ellison, sending a clear signal to militants and terrorists alike that he rejects the Bush-era doctrine of “wingtips on the ground” in the executive office.

“Americans are weary of a wartime commander-in-chief, with his presidential daily briefings, and his knees under his desk,” Obama said. “If I needed to know what’s happening right now in Iraq, I have people I could ask. In the meantime, I can steer the ship of state remotely, from any golf course in the world.”

A spokesman for the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) said they were prepared for anything but a “an American drone president,” noting that they would have to rethink their entire battle plan, since “current strategic scenarios are all predicated on real-time personal involvement by the U.S. Commander in Chief.”