Posts Tagged ‘homosexual’

Apple Announces ‘Gayest CEO Ever’, Store Lines Form

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Apple CEO Tim Cook

Apple CEO Tim Cook today announced the company’s “gayest CEO ever.”

(2014-10-30) — Lines formed around the block at Apple Stores nationwide today after the Cupertino, California, tech firm announced its “gayest CEO ever.”

“It’s the most personal announcement Apple has ever made, even more personal than the Apple Watch,” said CEO Tim Cook, who refused to take media questions because he “needs some time off to re-energize.”

Apple design chief Jony Ive said, “This is huge. We’re now the only major device maker with a CEO that’s both unbelievably thin, and unbelievably gay — and yet so intimate and personal.”

Rumors have percolated for months but the news set off a frenzy on technology blogs and Apple fan forums.

“I can’t wait!” said one eager Apple customer, from his sleeping bag on the sidewalk outside of the Apple Store on Fifth Avenue in New York. “I’m not sure what this is all about, but it’s Apple — so you know it’s going to be unbelievable.”

Store personnel initially tried to persuade the crowd that “there’s nothing to see here,” but eventually gave up and began taking reservations.

A spokesman for rival Samsung said the Korean tech firm’s CEO is “actually gayer than Apple’s, and has been for years.”

Obama Extends Benefits to Non-Government Workers

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(2014-06-20) — As President Obama announced today that he’ll use executive orders to extend marriage benefits to same sex couples employed by the government and its contractors, the president surprised many by declaring he would give such benefits to another marginalized group.

Obama family

President Obama and First Lady Michelle took the girls for a walk recently to tell them that “Daddy’s going to give you government benefits for life, even if you don’t get a job in government.”

Under the draft plan, non-government employees — long treated as second-class citizens — would qualify for the sumptuous health care, pension, travel stipends, leisurely work pace and other benefits traditionally conferred only upon those who draw their paychecks from the U.S. Treasury.

“In America, we don’t discriminate against you because of who you worship, who you love or who you work for,” the president said at a White House news conference.

“This decision was very personal for Michelle and me,” Mr. Obama added. “We looked at our beautiful daughters and thought, ‘What if Sasha can’t get a government job? What if Malia winds up working in a factory or the service industry? Shouldn’t they be treated equally with their neighbors who are employed by the taxpayers?'”

Advisers admit the president’s views on government benefits for non-government employees have “evolved” during the past few years, and he wasn’t ready to go public with his new position, but an aggressively inquisitive White House press corps forced his hand.

In a vain attempt to prevent the news from leaking out, the White House communications office had confined Vice President Joe Biden to his residence, and locked down his Twitter account. But many Washington observers thought Mr. Obama tipped his hand with moves to extend unemployment benefits, raise the minimum wage and take over the private health care system.

Holder: Gays Deserve Equal Treatment from IRS, NSA

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AG Eric Holder said the Justice Dept. will ensure that homosexual couples aren't overlooked by the IRS and NSA.

AG Eric Holder said the Justice Dept. will ensure that homosexuals aren’t overlooked by the IRS and NSA.

(2014-02-10) — Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that from now on the Justice Department will make sure that the federal government treats homosexual couples the same as heterosexuals, ensuring equally-vigorous IRS scrutiny for their political groups, generous NSA eavesdropping on personal communications, and proactive government exclusion of their viewpoints from the public schools.

“I’ve grown concerned recently that gay people are not receiving the kind of attention they should from the federal government,” said Holder. “We don’t know for a fact that government policy excludes gay people, but the seriousness of the allegation is sufficient to merit additional funding and staffing to ensure that both civil rights and civil constraints are equally applicable to all.”

The Attorney General said federal recognition of gay marriages is the keystone in an “equitable-compliance” regimen.

“Once we register gay marriages in our database,” Holder said. “we can make sure that heterosexuals aren’t being favored with more IRS audits, for example. And gay people should also know that the NSA listens to their concerns, as well as to other details of their lives. Your federal government is there for you.”

An unnamed spokesman for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) community praised Holder’s “long overdue” statement, noting that without an explicit mandate, government agencies may have inadvertently neglected to give the same level of attention to LGBT persons as it has to people still clinging to what he/she called “legacy sexual identity” (LSI).

“It’s an issue of fairness and compliance,” the spokesman said. “We simply want to ensure that the government doesn’t discriminate in its delivery of comprehensive monitoring and aggressive regulation just because of who you love.”