Posts Tagged ‘God’

Mormon Church Rebranding Leaves Satan ‘Saddened’

Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™

Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™, leads a massive rebranding of the organization, dumping the term ‘Mormon’. Next on his agenda, sources said, is a stage set redesign to make it ‘less reminiscent of the blazing netherworld’, along with better up-lighting ‘to bring out his boyish charm.’

(2018-10-08) — Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™, this weekend called on the faithful to stop describing themselves as ‘Mormon‘ and their church as ‘LDS’ because using such nicknames hands a ‘victory to Satan,’ and ‘offends’ Jesus who ‘commanded’ the official 39-letter organizational name.

A spokesman for Satan said the Evil One is, “Obviously disappointed, and saddened by the rebranding decision.”

“The Dark Lord has struggled to make an impact, especially in the United States,” the unnamed minion said. “He’s worked hard to turn people away from the Bible and from trusting in Jesus as the one true Savior and God. He’s labored to convince them that their good deeds will outweigh the bad and make them acceptable to God. He just can’t seem to make any headway.”

“Just about the only victory Beelzebub has enjoyed in the past hundred years or so,” the spokesman said, “has been his success in tricking members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™ into calling themselves Mormons. Now even this small boast shall be taken from him.”

The source said Lucifer has been frustrated by the general holiness, righteousness and Christian faith which seem to have broken out everywhere from Hollywood to Washington D.C..

Indeed, it’s been a rough century for the Devil — what with all of the swords beaten into plowshares, and praise for the Prince of Peace resounding from every valley and hilltop.

Meanwhile, a source close to Jesus said, “The Lord is relieved to hear they’re going back to his original idea — which the focus groups loved — and he’s even texted President Nelson some catchy lyric ideas for the new jingle.”

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Drunkards, Idolaters Urge A&E to Cancel ‘Duck Dynasty’

Duck Dynasty

‘Duck Dynasty’ would be cancelled immediately if A&E hears the protests of America’s drunkards, idolaters and adulterers.

(2013-12-21) — More protest erupted Friday over ‘Duck Dynasty’ patriarch Phil Robertson’s remarks to GQ magazine, as drunkards, idolaters and adulterers across the nation called on A&E to cancel the most popular program in cable TV history.

“Phil Robertson’s drunkaphobic, idolaphobic and adulteraphobic attitudes have no place on the public airwaves,” according to an unnamed spokesman for a coalition of oppressed groups. “Robertson’s distortions of the Bible would have people believe that God condemns lifestyles that our members find satisfying.”

The source said most Americans have come to understand and accept that drunkenness, idolatry and marital infidelity are not mere behavioral choices, but fundamental aspects of personality that make each human unique and special.

“Why would a loving God want to deprive his people of the pleasure of just being who they are,” he said. “A&E should cancel ‘Duck Dynasty’ until Phil Robertson recants, and rejects his chosen lifestyle as a religious bigot.”

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