Posts Tagged ‘Democrats’

Election Outcome Uncertain, Expert Says Stay Angry

Experts tell voters to remain angry through the final tally | ScrappleFace.com

A noted elections expert cautioned Americans against becoming complacent, kind, tolerant or charitable in the final hours before Tuesday’s midterms, or even afterward. The source, who is not Russian nor a cable news executive, said “maintaining rage sustains civilization.”

(2018-11-05) — Just hours before Tuesday’s final votes in the 2018 Congressional elections, a noted expert called the outcome “highly uncertain” and urged all Americans to “remain angry.”

According to the noted expert, “Your neighbor, your best friend, even your Mother, will likely betray this country and condemn it to another 1,000 years of darkness, or a catastrophic ice age, or a collision with a meteor or something like that.”

The unnamed source, who is not Russian, said the biggest challenge the country faces will be to maintain the necessary fear and loathing until the final poll in the last state closes…and beyond.

“Don’t let up,” he said. “You might think there’s nothing you can do, or that victory by your side, or by the enemy, is inevitable. That’s not true. You must use these final hours to fill your Facebook wall and Twitter feed with all the rage which has consumed you for the past nine-months. Feel it surge through your biceps and down into your fingertips. Loose the hounds of Hell onto that keyboard like the future of the republic — or of our Democracy, as you prefer — depends upon it.”

While many Americans may feel a natural urge to put electoral division behind them, and to return to the kindness, tolerance and “charity toward all” that characterizes these United States, the expert source said, “This kind of thinking will get us all killed, or at least disenfranchised.”

Quoting President John Adams, he added, “Our Constitution was made only for a seething and unforgiving People. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.”

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Warren Mulls Starting Grassroots Call for Her to Run

Sen. Elizabeth Warren plans spontaneous grassroots presidential draft movement

With a new Democratic presidential preference poll showing Sen. Elizabeth Warren trailing former Vice President Joe Biden by just 313 percent, the former professor rehearses leading a crowd to the White House gate to spontaneously chant: “Run, Betsy, Run!”

(2018-10-16) — Sen. Elizabeth Warren, D-MA, still recovering from the cheek swab that established her Native American ancestry, today hinted that she might actively consider whether to launch a grassroots effort aimed at recruiting her to run for President of the United States in 2020.

Insiders report “a real groundswell” of enthusiasm by Sen. Warren to move toward an answer to the question that’s on the lips of almost 50 percent of the U.S. Senators from Massachusetts.

“Should the tide of popular sentiment become too strong to resist,” Sen. Warren reportedly told her friend, “I may have no choice. And who better to take charge of that tide, than the woman who will inspire its spontaneous, unexpected, inexorable rise?”

The former college professor is said to be buoyed by news that the first CNN poll of the 2020 presidential race shows a full eight-percent of Democrats prefer Warren. She trails former Vice President Joe Biden by a mere 25-point whisker, or just 313 percent, according to mathematics.

Nevertheless, Warren said she’s “focused almost utterly, virtually completely and very nearly totally on my 2018 Senate reelection race, and on serving the people of Massachusetts in the Senate for the next six years, or two, whichever comes first.”

If she does involuntarily need to lead the grassroots call for her nomination, Warren said, “I’ll remain humble about it, but would, of course, submit to a movement led by the greatest feminist Progressive of our day. Who am I to stand in the way of a trailblazer like that?”

 

 

 

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Celebrities Urge Women: Delay Reporting Sex Crimes

Celebrities Urge Women: Delay Reporting Sex Crimes

Hollywood celebrities took to Twitter after the swearing-in of Supreme Court Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh, urging women to delay reporting sex crimes for the long-term good of the Democratic Party.

(2018-10-07) — Hollywood reacted aggressively this weekend to the swearing-in of Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, by urging women to delay reporting acts of sexual violence in order to help Democrats win future elections.

“If there’s anything we’ve learned from the Kavanaugh circus,” said one unnamed iconic actor, “it’s that long-delayed, uncorroborated, sexual abuse allegations fire up the base. It’s a recipe for a Congressional Democratic majority. Early reporting might jeopardize that.”

Experts say that, while immediate reporting may result in punishment for the abuser and thus reduction in the number of additional victims, the highly-personal and localized nature of ordinary crime reporting can’t contribute to a broader social-justice narrative like a long-repressed incident, dramatically unveiled at the right moment.

“Justice delayed is injustice weaponized for electoral war,” said one anonymous actor who plays an attorney on a hit drama. “With the passage of time, facts and evidence become irrelevant, putting the entire focus where it belongs — on the seriousness of the charge, and empathy for the accuser, unclouded by forensics or witnesses. This is how Democrat dominance is forged.”

The celebrities took to Twitter to urge women not to go to police, parents, or employers while memory is fresh, but to wait for years, perhaps decades, to “allow the rage to ripen.”

“Immediate reporting may give you a quick energy boost, and even the temporary satisfaction of justice served,” said another celebrity, “but if you, instead, allow it to fester and rankle until it swells up and overflows in an outpouring of bitterness — well, that’s what really moves the pathos needle at the polls.”

The coalition of celebrities pleaded with victims, using hashtags like #ShutUpAndSimmer and #PipeDown4Pelosi.

“Your years of trauma have a purpose,” the Hollywood stars said in a joint Tweet. “Your story — decades from now — might secure abortion rights for a generation yet unborn. It’s #WorthTheWait so #ZipItChica”

The coalition said that delayed accusations also allow time to determine whether a youthful abuser grows up to be a federal judge, or a Hollywood celebrity. This can help a victim determine whether to publicly accuse, or “to quietly take the settlement money so she can continue to work in this town.”

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Blacked-Out Kavanaugh Still Hazy on Senate Hearing

(2018-09-30) — President Donald Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh privately told associates that his recollection of the past two weeks’ Senate Judiciary Committee hearings was “so hazy and weird that I must have been black-out drunk.”

“It was a like a bad dream,” Kavanaugh said, according to an unnamed associate. “I think somebody put something in my water. All I can remember is these creepy heads staring at me, asking me to tell them about things that didn’t happen. For long periods, I just spaced, and can’t remember hearing anything as they droned on.”

Although Kavanaugh told the committee he doesn’t have an alcohol problem, he later told friends that he has this “lingering absurd vision that I was accused of binge-drinking and sexual misconduct by Democrats.”

His friends said the judge believes that must be a false memory, because he can’t imagine Democrats would sink to such hypocrisy, for fear of raising questions about their own historic advocacy of loose morality.

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American People: ‘No Thanks’ to More Kavanaugh Docs

(2018-09-04) — Despite Democratic senators’ insistence to the contrary, the American people said today, “We don’t want to read any more documents related to the confirmation of Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the U.S. Supreme Court.”

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VT, among others on the Senate Judiciary Committee, repeatedly claimed during the first day of confirmation hearings that, not just Leahy’s caucus, but “the American people” were dissatisfied with the more than 500,000 pages of documents the committee has received so far, including more than 10,000 pages of Kavanaugh’s judicial opinions.

But when reached by phone, the American people declined to review additional documents.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” the people said, “We enjoyed the first 500,000 pages, but we’re good.”

Between their careers, getting kids to various events, and keeping up with Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, the American people said they “don’t have as much time as one might hope to scrutinize the complete anthology of writings and documents related to of one of the most prolific legal scholars, and accomplished public servants, of our day.”

“Let’s face it,” said the American people. “We’re not really big ‘document readers’ anyway, and this is a busy month. But thanks for thinking of us.”

 

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Must Democrats Back Florida Man Who Beat Woman?

(2018-08-29) — The Democratic National Committee sequestered itself behind closed doors this morning to debate the proper reaction to Tuesday’s drubbing of a woman by a man in the Florida primary for governor.

Still stinging from its failure to get Hillary Clinton (who is a woman) into the White House, DNC leaders engaged in some “serious soul-searching,” according to insiders.

Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum pulled off a surprise upset of former Congresswoman Gwen Graham, earning a chance to be the state’s first Black governor. But DNC insiders say his victory has thrown the party into a quandary.

“Democrats don’t want to celebrate a woman bruising her head on the glass ceiling, especially when she gets beaten by a man,” said one unnamed national committee-person. “On the other hand, we’re thrilled that an African-American defeated Graham, who is a member of the oppressor White race.”

Yet the dilemma is not that simple.

Democratic party faithful also expressed discomfort that Gillum won the primary with support from Black church congregations, which makes him look like part of the dominant Christian religion that has repressed people for centuries.

Asked if the DNC struggles with the fact that Gillum also crushed Democrat candidate Philip Levine, who is Jewish, the party leader simply shrugged.

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4-in-5 Democrats Would Elect McCain President Now

(2018-08-27) —  A new Ipsos-Factos poll of registered Democrats, taken in the wake of Sen. John McCain’s death, indicates that some 80 percent of them would vote for the decorated war hero, legendary senator and bipartisan statesman, in a head-to-head contest with anyone from any party.

“There’s never been a Republican, a politician, or even a man, like him,” said one unnamed Democratic survey respondent. “He’s exactly the one we need at a time of division like this. He’s, frankly, the only leader who can bring us together as a nation, stop all wars, and speak the truth at all times.”

As news of the poll leaked out, the Democratic National Committee sent out a Tweet cautioning party members that “voting for the deceased does not offer the same benefits as voting by the deceased.”

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DNC to Stage 2020 Convention in ‘Affordable’ Venezuela

(2018-08-17) — Citing an abundance of affordable hotels, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced today it would hold its 2020 presidential nominating convention in Caracas, Venezuela.

Explaining the historic decision to stage a convention outside of the nominal boundaries of the United States, DNC Chair Tom Perez said, “Thanks to Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro’s Progressive administration, the bolívar now trades at 6 million to the U.S. dollar, so Democrat dollars will buy a lot of anything that might still be available in Caracas.”

“Our DNC site search committee had the following priorities,” Perez said. “First, we looked for diversity without English-language hegemony, fairness and equality of outcome, sensible gun legislation, enlightened government leadership, and of course, low, low prices. Many Democrat-run U.S. cities scored 3-out-of-5 or better on our Progressive site-selection index, but Venezuela checked every box.”

Venezuelan society has become “admirably equitable” under President Maduro, he added, noting that food, water, health care and essential services have become “almost-equally inaccessible to all.”

During the convention, DNC delegates will take side trips to attractions like the Caracas Zoo where they can enjoy “a taste of the African savannah.” They’ll also dine on any familiar delicacies that make it through the luggage search at Venezuelan Customs.

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5 Takeaways From Tuesday’s Special Elections

(2018-08-08) — With Tuesday’s special elections mostly over — Ohio’s 12th Congressional district result may trigger a recount — experts say candidates and voters can take the following lessons into November’s mid-terms.

1. Democrats spell ‘loss’ v-i-c-t-o-r-y: Merely inferior vote numbers can be deceiving. If the margin of loss should have been bigger, Democrats are de facto winners and should begin shopping for Congressional office drapery.

2. Trump-backed winners are losers: If the margin of their victory should have been bigger, Republicans endorsed by Trump may as well pull out of the race now and go home. His days are numbered, the new Democratic majority will impeach him, and…Russia.

3. Centrist Democrats merely faked Progressivism: Endorsements from Socialists Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Bernie Sanders didn’t help Progressive candidates to win primaries because centrist Democrats publicly espoused Progressive views. Today, the moderate primary winners go back to being JFK Democrats so old people will vote for them in November.

4. Democrats can flip 23 House Seats: Because…momentum. Democrats are filled with energy and a youthful spirit, so they’ll get out the vote to return Rep. Nancy Pelosi to the House Speaker’s chair for her second century.

5. Republicans must avoid Trump: With GDP growing at a fast pace, unemployment at historic lows, and taxes coming down, savvy Republican candidates must insulate themselves from President Trump, who shoulders the blame for the economic disruption he caused after the stability of the Obama years.

Discuss in Scrappler Chat

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Trump Asks Dems to Push Ban on 3-D Movie Guns

(2018-08-01) — After suggesting in a Tweet that downloadable blueprints for 3-D printing of guns should be regulated or banned, President Donald Trump today reached across the aisle again calling for a total ban on guns in 3-D movies.

“Democrats should join me and ban all guns in 3-D movies,” the president said on Twitter, adding, “Crazy Hollywood actors with deadly guns in more than two dimensions – VERY dangerous.”

The White House said the president believes in reasonable movie-gun regulation, including a prohibition on guns that have the realistic appearance of length, width and depth — such as those seen through special glasses in many movie American theaters.

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