Posts Tagged ‘Cyprus’

Obama: Cyprus-Style Deposit Grab ‘Fairly Unlikely Here’

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Obama calms investor fearsPresident Obama encourages investors to avoid getting “all wee-weed up” over the move by Cyprus to confiscate bank deposits, which he says “probably won’t happen in the U.S. until things get pretty bad.”

President Obama calmed the jitters of nervous investors today by saying a Cyprus-style confiscation of bank deposits is “fairly unlikely here” and could only happen if U.S. debt mounted to unprecedented levels, the economy remained in the doldrums and Republicans in the House decided to block Democrat efforts to generate more tax revenue.

“So, as you can see, it’s a pretty remote chance,” the president said. “Your money is safe as can be expected in U.S. banks. The government grabbing your hard-earned savings, after a lifetime of toil, is something nobody likes to think about…so don’t. After all, I wouldn’t order such a move unless the government was just flat broke, deep in debt and really needed the money.”

The president blamed House Republicans for “the many hours the Treasury Secretary and I have spent planning for the unthinkable, which we have no immediate plans to implement.”

“Ultimately,” Obama added, “on that unlikely day when you log in to your bank account and see the balance is down 30-to-40 percent, you can be assured that the Republicans forced my hand with their stubborn, ideological objection to revenue enhancers. But for now, remain calm and go about your business as if nothing might happen.”

The White House sought to clarify the president’s remarks, noting that this “virtually-improbable scenario” would be preceded by warnings that would give depositors plenty of time to visit bank websites and read the FAQ about what happened to the missing money.

Cyprus to be Auctioned Off at EU Sheriff’s Sale

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Cyprus to Be Auctioned at Sheriff's Sale

Someone’s going to pick up a “sweet bargain” next week when the island nation of Cyprus hits the auction block at the EU Sheriff’s sale.

The island nation of Cyprus will be sold to the highest bidder next week at a sheriff’s sale, according to a spokesman from the European Union Sheriff’s Office.

The insolvent Republic of Cyprus simply could not raise the billions of Euros needed to satisfy its obligations, so the entire island in the eastern Mediterranean Sea will go on the block and be snapped up by the highest bidder.

“It’s really a lovely country,” said an unnamed deputy sheriff, “and it’s a shame they couldn’t hold onto it. But somebody’s going to pick up a sweet bargain.”

The day before the auction, Cyprus will hold a yard sale to unload furniture, appliances, vehicles and household knick-knacks to “clear the place out for the new owner.”