Posts Tagged ‘Congress’

Rep. Boehner Retires to Spend More Time with Money

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Pope Francis with House Speaker John Boehner

House Speaker John Boehner, listens to Pope Francis this week while wiping his nose due to a persistent cassock allergy. Boehner will reportedly resign to “be there for” his money.

(2015-09-25) — House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) will reportedly resign at the end of October to spend more time with his money.

Sources close to the Republican leader said the hectic schedule of a House Speaker has made Boehner and his money feel like they’re “two ships that pass in the night,” without enough time to “linger together and nurture each other, go fishing.”

“Speaker Boehner has certainly been surrounded by other people’s money, coming and going, but it’s not the same,” an unnamed Congressional aide said. “Sometimes a man needs to say ‘Stop the world, I want to get off,’ and just hold my money, and caress it, and let the bond grow.”

For years, the source said, “money has been there for Boehner, and now he wants to be there for money.”

Boehner reportedly made the decision to resign after listening to Pope Francis speaking to a joint session of Congress about the moral hazards of capitalism. The Congressman identified with the poor and oppressed who feel locked out of the lucrative opportunities enjoyed by the wealthy few “just on the other side of that revolving door.”

“The Pope — with his gold city, global travel and obsequious servants — reminded Speaker Boehner how important it is to care for the least among us,” the source said, “and standing next to the Supreme Pontiff, he couldn’t help but feel like one of them, and believe that there must be more to this life than just spending other people’s money.”

 

Obama Asks Congress for Full Future Retreat Powers

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Barack Obama, Commander in Chief

President Obama has asked Congress for permission to pullout of any future military engagement with the Islamic State on a publicly-announced timeline. The Commander in Chief is shown in this file photo saluting a battalion of Army Rangers returning from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

(2015-02-12) — With the threat of an Islamic State conquest of Iraq and Syria growing by the day, President Obama has written to Congress for authorization to announce a future pullout date for any and all troops on a specified public timeline “without regard to battlefield conditions or the status of the enemy.”

Republicans have criticized Mr. Obama for past kinetic military actions taken on his own authority, insisting he should have sought the Constitutionally-required Congressional approval. But the White House said he’s learned his lesson.

“The president heard the message from the voters in November,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest, “so, this time he’s extending an olive branch, asking in advance for the power to withdraw our troops from enemy territory that we have not yet entered, and where he has committed to keeping American boots off of the ground. In essence, he’s asking to retreat in advance as a way to prevent an ill-fated American invasion, and to get us out quickly if we accidentally invade.”

In the authorization request, Mr. Obama assures Congress that he “will not conduct the war in a manner conducive to so-called ‘victory,’ as that would produce bad feelings against the United States and become a recruiting tool for fanatics who twist the religion of peace for selfish reasons.”

The White House said the president still reserves to himself the executive branch power to strategically leak military secrets to the media, to draw ‘red lines’ in order to sound serious, to make lukewarm public statements in which our troops sound like victims to be pitied rather than heroes to be honored, and to convey to oppressed peoples the false hope of American support.”

Township Man “Super Excited” to Watch Obama Speech

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Obama State of the Union

During last year’s State of the Union address, President Obama, overcome with patriotism, began to sing the National Anthem. This photo captures the moment when he belted out “O, say, can you see…”, as Vice President Biden and House Speaker Boehner hummed the melody.

(2015-01-19) — A township man said he’s “super excited” to watch President Obama’s latest State of the Union speech on television Tuesday night.

“I’m actually going to DVR it while I’m watching it so I can go back and review it later,” he said, “just in case I miss something while I was clapping or cheering or whatever.”

The State of the Union enthusiast said that perhaps the best thing about watching President Obama’s speech is “knowing that all of America is united as one, sitting in their living rooms, on the edge of the sofa, hanging on every word, gazing with admiration at all of the honorable leaders of this great nation —  their hearts filled with patriotic fervor.”

The unnamed local man said he normally watches “that hoarding show,” or just plays Call of Duty, but he’s been looking forward to the president’s speech for weeks.

“My wife knows to clear the deck, and keep the kids quiet on the couch,” he said. “They know better than to interrupt, even during all the times when every member of Congress, and the Supreme Court, are all applauding because they’re so surprised and delighted by what the president said. The suspense is delicious.”

Senate’s 1st Budget in 4 Years Stops Global Warming

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Senate budget on it's way to be bronzedAn aide delivers the Senate’s first budget in four years, as climate scientists rejoice over the prospects of falling surface temperatures due to rapid cooling in the netherworld.

At daybreak Saturday, the U.S. Senate passed its first annual budget in four years, a move scientists say could actually reverse the global warming trend if predictions about subterranean freezing come to pass.

“You’ve heard the forecasts about when the Senate would pass a budget,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “Well, it happened. So as the folks in the netherworld bundle up, those of us who currently dwell topside and were concerned about the rise of the oceans can heave a sigh of relief.”

Climate scientists say that even a thin layer of ice on the surface of the river Styx in the underworld could reduce the Earth’s core temperature enough to counteract glacial melting on the surface.

While this comes as welcome news to those frightened by the prospects of global warming, an expert from the porcine research facility at the University of Idaho warned that passage of a budget in the Senate can spawn a plague of avian hogs, whose airborne antics could have unpredictable consequences for the environment.