Posts Tagged ‘attorney general’

Holder to Walk: Attorney General Leaving Fast, Furious

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Obama and Holder in Oval Office

This file photo shows a recent Oval Office meeting between outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder, and President Obama. They discussed where Obama might purchase a necktie.

(2014-09-25) — A Justice Department source says Attorney General Eric Holder hopes to leave hisĀ post fast, furious with opponents’ attacks on his tenure as the nation’s top law enforcement officer.

President Obama, reportedly, plans to just “let him walk.”

“Of course, Obama will always know where HolderĀ is,” the unnamed source said. “Such a powerful person is easy to trace, in case the president needs to shoot him an email, or has a legal concern that’s sort of borderline.”

Friends and associates say the Attorney General hopes to “get a job in the private sector where the cops won’t hassle him just because he’s black.”

Holder: Gays Deserve Equal Treatment from IRS, NSA

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AG Eric Holder said the Justice Dept. will ensure that homosexual couples aren't overlooked by the IRS and NSA.

AG Eric Holder said the Justice Dept. will ensure that homosexuals aren’t overlooked by the IRS and NSA.

(2014-02-10) — Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that from now on the Justice Department will make sure that the federal government treats homosexual couples the same as heterosexuals, ensuring equally-vigorous IRS scrutiny for their political groups, generous NSA eavesdropping on personal communications, and proactive government exclusion of their viewpoints from the public schools.

“I’ve grown concerned recently that gay people are not receiving the kind of attention they should from the federal government,” said Holder. “We don’t know for a fact that government policy excludes gay people, but the seriousness of the allegation is sufficient to merit additional funding and staffing to ensure that both civil rights and civil constraints are equally applicable to all.”

The Attorney General said federal recognition of gay marriages is the keystone in an “equitable-compliance” regimen.

“Once we register gay marriages in our database,” Holder said. “we can make sure that heterosexuals aren’t being favored with more IRS audits, for example. And gay people should also know that the NSA listens to their concerns, as well as to other details of their lives. Your federal government is there for you.”

An unnamed spokesman for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) community praised Holder’s “long overdue” statement, noting that without an explicit mandate, government agencies may have inadvertently neglected to give the same level of attention to LGBT persons as it has to people still clinging to what he/she called “legacy sexual identity” (LSI).

“It’s an issue of fairness and compliance,” the spokesman said. “We simply want to ensure that the government doesn’t discriminate in its delivery of comprehensive monitoring and aggressive regulation just because of who you love.”

Obama’s ‘Best-Looking’ Quip Sparks Historic Dialogue

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President Obama starts historic national conversationPresident Obama starts historic national conversation about “the often magnificent beauty of some of America’s most accomplished professional women.”

President Obama’s recently-revealed opinion that California’s Kamala Harris is the “best-looking attorney general” has sparked an “important and long-avoided national dialogue that history will view as a great advance for women’s rights,” according to a White House spokesman. The incident is reminiscent of how the president used the ‘bully pulpit’ to start national conversations on race, and on homosexual marriage.

“It was not an off-the-cuff remark,” said spokesman Jay Carney. “The president’s words were straight from the TelePrompTer, and therefore, straight from his heart. He felt that this was the moment to break the unspoken national embargo on noticing the beauty of successful women.”

Carney said attractive, but powerful women have devoted countless hours and thousands of dollars to enhance their physical appearance, “only to be met with awkward silence when their attributes clearly call for a verbal response. The president believes it’s time to bring gorgeous influential women out of the shadows to be openly admired by awe-struck men.”

However, off the record, White House insiders acknowledge that Vice President Biden “forced Obama to ‘come out’ for physical compliments” before the president was ready, with Biden’s own frequent spontaneous remarks on female allure.

“The president’s views on speaking up when he’s enthralled by a successful woman’s appearance have been evolving,” said one unnamed source. “But Biden pushed the timeline for his public revelation.”

The president reportedly hopes that his groundbreaking comments will “help America get past this embarrassing chapter in our history of discrimination, and will finally put powerful, influential women on equal footing with working-class women whose efforts at beautification often meet with enthusiastic approbation from male associates.”