Posts Tagged ‘Apple’

Apple Announces ‘Gayest CEO Ever’, Store Lines Form

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Apple CEO Tim Cook

Apple CEO Tim Cook today announced the company’s “gayest CEO ever.”

(2014-10-30) — Lines formed around the block at Apple Stores nationwide today after the Cupertino, California, tech firm announced its “gayest CEO ever.”

“It’s the most personal announcement Apple has ever made, even more personal than the Apple Watch,” said CEO Tim Cook, who refused to take media questions because he “needs some time off to re-energize.”

Apple design chief Jony Ive said, “This is huge. We’re now the only major device maker with a CEO that’s both unbelievably thin, and unbelievably gay — and yet so intimate and personal.”

Rumors have percolated for months but the news set off a frenzy on technology blogs and Apple fan forums.

“I can’t wait!” said one eager Apple customer, from his sleeping bag on the sidewalk outside of the Apple Store on Fifth Avenue in New York. “I’m not sure what this is all about, but it’s Apple — so you know it’s going to be unbelievable.”

Store personnel initially tried to persuade the crowd that “there’s nothing to see here,” but eventually gave up and began taking reservations.

A spokesman for rival Samsung said the Korean tech firm’s CEO is “actually gayer than Apple’s, and has been for years.”

T-Mobile to Drop 2-Yr Contract, Require Nose Rings

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Insiders at T-Mobile say the cellular phone service provider may soon eliminate the requirement to sign a two-year contract, and instead compel customers to wear a brass nose ring as an alternative sign of submission to the company.

AT&T, Verizon & Sprint are also said to be mulling ways to stop customer complaints about the restrictive, expensive longterm contracts, while still making sure a customer understands who really controls his life.

“We’ve looked at various options,” said an unnamed cell industry insider, “from making customers wear a particular headdress as a public emblem of our authority over them, to a sliding scale system that would range from an orange jumpsuit to the full iron ball-and-chain configuration. If customers don’t like the bondage of longterm contracts, we’re sensitive to that, and we’re willing to change.”

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“I was locked into a 2-year contract with AT&T,” said this unnamed cell phone user, “but with T-Mobile, they just pierced my nose and I’m finally free. They promised they’d never hook a chain to it, or tug on it or anything, so long as I pay my bill on time.”