Posts Tagged ‘2016 presidential election’

Rand Paul to Officially Declare Liberty to Lie About Him

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Rand Paul to declare to for president.

Sen. Rand Paul, shown here counting down the days before Republicans, and the general public, can fully enjoy their God-given liberty to make up stuff about him in an effort not just to scuttle his presidential campaign, but to destroy his life’s work and reputation as well.

(2015-04-06) — Sources say Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) on Tuesday will announce that Americans are officially free to lie about his record and his personal life as he seeks the presidency in 2016.

“Rand Paul will run as a defender of liberty,” said an unnamed supporter, “That means it’s time for Republicans, and all Americans, to exercise their natural, God-given, right to say stuff that just ain’t so, to post links on social media to news sites that are really just facades for opposition research, to spout unfounded rumors, to make reckless assumptions, to distribute out-of-context quotations and to mount anonymous vitriolic personal attacks on Rand Paul and his family.”

Paul associates said the freshman senator believes that the Founders of this country and the Framers of the Constitution gave their lives so that any citizen could be “flayed and eviscerated in the public square with false information and intentionally-deceptive innuendo in order to discourage decent, principled folks from pursuing public service.”

Sen. Paul would be the second Republican to officially declare his presidential candidacy, just two weeks after Sen. Ted Cruz announced that Cruz is “wrong for America.”

Ted Cruz Officially Announces He’s “Wrong for America”

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Ted Cruz announces presidential bid

Sen. Ted Cruz announced today that he’ll expose his wife and young daughters to 24/7 stalking and anonymously-sourced creepy tabloid stories, and so he became the first official candidate in the 2016 race for the White House.

(2015-03-23) — Sen. Ted Cruz, the Texas Republican, ended speculation about his future today with a speech at Liberty University in which he announced that he’s officially “Wrong for you. Wrong for America,” thus becoming the first candidate to launch a 2016 presidential bid.

To swelling cheers and applause of Liberty students, Cruz said he’s too Conservative to win a general election, has no executive experience, is the hand-maiden of Big Oil, a backer of vulture capitalists, and wants to force all citizens to bow to Jesus.

He also launched a whisper campaign on Twitter (@TedCruzWrong) that suggested he might not even be Constitutionally-eligible to serve because his father came from Cuba, and that he loves the Constitution because it “keeps women in their place.”

At the climax of the address, Cruz shouted over the crescendo of applause: “People I briefly met years ago will soon make it clear that I’m not the man I appear to be.”

The candidate, who claims he’ll repeal every word of Obamacare and Common Core, said a search is currently underway to find video or audio of him contradicting those statements. He received a standing ovation when he claimed he will “stand with the nation of Israel, because I’m a tool of the global Jewish conspiracy.”

Campaign staff have already lined up a series of “gotcha interviews” with Left-wing mainstream media personalities, and they’ve seeded campaign rally crowds with people who will insist that the candidate pose for selfies wearing awkward hats, and eating strange foods.

Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, said, “The RNC, as usual, will stay out of the primary battle and use the next 13 months to get ready to put our hearts and souls into electing Jeb Bush…or whoever Republicans nominate, of course.”

Hillary Clinton Plans Private Presidential Library

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Hillary Rodham (Clinton) Presidential Library

Preliminary architectural drawings of the Hillary Rodham (Clinton) Presidential Library include a courtesy entrance for security personnel and close Clinton associates, as well as a parking lot adequate to accommodate everyone who has a ClintonEmail.com address.

(2015-03-10) — In the wake of revelations that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton used a private email server for State Department business, a source close to the presumptive 2016 Democratic nominee says Mrs. Clinton has plans for a private presidential library.

“She’s a very deliberate planner,” said the unnamed source, “and given the likelihood of her election as president, naturally she’s well into establishing the repository for her presidential documents.”

Architectural drawings of the Hillary Rodham (Clinton) Presidential Library show a massive server farm in a hardened bunker, but no exterior doors for public access to the facility.

“Americans and international visitors will, of course, be welcome to tour the grounds and to gaze at the striking exterior of the Rodham Presidential Library,” the source said. “But only Mrs. Clinton and key associates will have access to the interior. Frankly, there’s nothing to see there anyway.”

Romney Out: Wouldn’t Moderate Hair Gel, Warns Cruz

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Mitt Romney displays gelled hair.

Mitt Romney displays his generous patina of hair product, which he cited as the main reason he will not pursue the 2016 Republican presidential nomination.

(2015-01-30) — Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told staffers this morning he would not mount another run for the White House because he’s “unwilling to betray his traditional, conservative approach to hair styling.”

“I’ve never been one to follow the polls, or listen to the consultants,” Romney told his associates in a conference call. “They told me I’d have the nomination locked up if I would just moderate a little, you know, drop the gel. As a Mormon, I don’t drink, but when it comes to my hair, I’ll never go dry.”

The former Massachusetts governor cautioned other potential presidential candidates to understand that “the era of Vitalis and Brylcream is over,” adding as an aside, “I’m talking to you, Ted Cruz.”

A spokesman for Cruz said the Senator had no comment, but reminded reporters of his unshakeable support for the Keystone XL pipeline.