Archive for the ‘War’ Category

Panel Concludes Drone Strikes “Freakin’ Awesome”

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(2014-06-26) — A long-awaited report by a nonpartisan Washington think tank on the use and legality of drone strikes by the United States against terrorist targets has concluded that the practice is “freakin’ awesome,” although it’s a “slippery slope” that could lead to “perpetual war” conducted in secret with no presidential accountability.

Predator drone pilots

A report from the nonpartisan Stimson Center on Predator Drone usage concludes that serious legal questions remain unanswered, “but squeezing off Hellfire missiles on terrorist targets 5,000 miles away — well, YOLO.”

“It was like the greatest video game ever,” according to the report from the Stimson Center, whose investigation included site visits to operational outposts to observe pilots maneuvering Predator Drones remotely over targets, from thousands of miles away.

“You’ve got all these high-def screens, and super-sensitive controls,” the report documented. “It’s like you’re really in a war, but you have to keep reminding yourself that you’re not. And you only need to touch the trigger and the earth explodes all around the bad guy. I mean that terrorist is pwned! It’s incredibly realistic.”

President Obama, upon hearing these excerpts of the report, said, “I know. Right?”

Obama Threatens Use of Unmanned Oval Office

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(2014-06-16) — Standing next to Marine One, the presidential helicopter, Barack Obama said Sunday that he would not lead ground forces into the White House to solve the escalating crisis in Iraq, as Sunni militants, inspired by al-Qaeda, capture one town after another in an attempt to establish a Muslim caliphate.

President Obama remotely controls Oval Office.

President Obama demonstrates how he can remotely control an unmanned Oval Office and Situation Room. “I don’t even have to face the White House when I do this,” the president noted.

Instead, the president threatened the use of an unmanned Oval Office and Situation Room, even as he received Tweet-briefings from Secretary of State John Kerry, who is remotely overseeing the evacuation of the U.S. embassy in Tal Afar.

Mr. Obama, on vacation with his family, hit the links for a round of golf on a course owned by tech billionaire Larry Ellison, sending a clear signal to militants and terrorists alike that he rejects the Bush-era doctrine of “wingtips on the ground” in the executive office.

“Americans are weary of a wartime commander-in-chief, with his presidential daily briefings, and his knees under his desk,” Obama said. “If I needed to know what’s happening right now in Iraq, I have people I could ask. In the meantime, I can steer the ship of state remotely, from any golf course in the world.”

A spokesman for the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) said they were prepared for anything but a “an American drone president,” noting that they would have to rethink their entire battle plan, since “current strategic scenarios are all predicated on real-time personal involvement by the U.S. Commander in Chief.”

 

Troops in Crimea Merely Fetching Stray Sochi Dogs

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Russian President Vladimir Putin rescues a stray dog as a Japanese tourist admires his compassion. Putin sent troops to Crimea to recover the peripatetic pooches who fled Sochi during the Olympics to avoid Americans.

Russian President Vladimir Putin rescues a stray dog as a visiting Japanese tourist admires his compassion. Putin sent troops to Crimea to recover peripatetic pooches who fled Sochi during the Olympics to avoid Americans.

(2014-03-03) — Russian President Vladimir Putin scoffed at President Barack Obama’s suggestion that Russian troops invaded the Crimea region of Ukraine over the weekend, insisting volunteers went on a “mission of mercy” to retrieve stray dogs from Sochi.

“Obama knows nothing of our Russian compassion,” said Mr. Putin, as the former KGB boss suckled a rescued puppy at the bosom of his pet tiger. “The Olympic tourists disturbed our beloved freedom dogs, some of which ran far away, to Crimea.”

The Russian leader warned Mr. Obama to “stand down,” and stop threatening, because his forces would “remain in Ukraine until every last wandering dog is repatriated to the Fatherland.”

A Kremlin spokesman later added that Russian troops would also bring water back to Sochi, “water that is the color of clear.”

Boston to Terrorists: We Surrender

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Vacant city street awaits parade of terrorist conquerorsDowntown Boston remains desolate as mayor announces surrender to unnamed terrorists.

The City of Boston today agreed to surrender to “al Qaeda, or whoever did this” just two days after two bombs exploded near the finish line of the Boston Marathon, killing three and wounding 170.

Standing in the middle of the utterly-deserted downtown, the mayor told a few remaining journalists that he would sign terms of surrender, abdicate his office and “effectively hand the keys to the city over to the agent, or group, that has brought Boston to a standstill, and has kept us all cowering in our homes wondering what to do next.”

This would be the first time in recent memory that a U.S. city has capitulated to terrorists, and surrendered its sovereignty. But sources close to the mayor noted that Boston, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and the American people “lack both the resources and the resolve to stand up to occasional, seemingly-random attacks.”

The official signing ceremony and transfer of power awaits the revelation of the identity of the victorious conqueror.

Meanwhile, in Pakistan, the Palestinian territory, and throughout the Muslim world, mobs of cheering people chanted, “Boston has fallen, Braintree is next.”