Archive for the ‘World’ Category

Obama Skips Paris Rally to Plan ‘Jihad Against Jihadis’

Share Button
Obama and Biden in Situation Room

President Obama confers with Vice President Biden in the White House Situation Room on Obama’s “jihad against jihadis,” the president’s new all-out assault on radical Islamists and the book that they use as intended by their prophet.

(2015-01-12) — U.S. President Barack Obama missed this weekend’s rally in Paris, which drew leaders from 40 nations, because he was hunkered down in the White House Situation Room plotting what sources called “a jihad against Muslim jihadis.”

The absence in Paris of Obama, Vice President Biden, First Lady Michelle Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry has evoked global criticism. However, the president was represented at the rally by the U.S. Ambassador to France, said press secretary Josh Earnest, noting she had to travel “several blocks in heavy traffic” to get to the rally.

“The ambassador is, after all, an Obama campaign bundler,” Earnest said, “and what could be more personal than that? Didn’t Jesus say, ‘Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also’? The president’s heart was in Paris, with our oldest ally.”

Officials insist Obama would have attended the “Je Suis Charlie” rally, but he was sequestered with Biden and the First Lady, “mapping out a vigorous, kinetic war against the pestilence of radical Islam, and against those who, through passive assent, facilitate the Muslim terrorists.”

“The president is more convinced than ever that we’re at war against radical Islam, whose battle plan is a literal reading of the Koran as Muhammed intended,” said one unnamed White House source familiar with Obama’s thinking. “He can’t believe that world leaders are so reluctant to stand up and state the obvious fact, and to do something about it.”

A draft outline of the “jihad against jihadis” indicates Obama plans to shut down the madrassas–the religious schools for children that mix Koran memorization, with Sharia law indoctrination and anti-Western tirades. The president also means to take down the jihad-backing oil sheiks who hide in plain sight in U.S.-allied nations in the Arab world.

“We’re going to drill for oil in the U.S. until these wealthy Muslim gangsters are panhandling out of cardboard boxes,” Obama allegedly told Biden.

The commander in chief will reportedly threaten to close embassies in Arab states until they recognize and enforce universal human rights for all citizens. His ambassador to the U.N. will block efforts to recognize a Palestinian state until they change their charter to support Israel’s right to exist, and they eject known terrorist groups from the Palestinian government.

“When he was a boy, Barack Obama lived in Indonesia,” said an unnamed source. “He knows these people, he knows their battle book, and he’s the perfect president to take us to war against this millennial Muslim scourge.”

Allah Still Shaken Over French Satire Mag Attacks

Share Button
image

The messenger of Allah, sneeze be upon him, as he appeared during this morning's remarks about the satire magazine attacks.

(2015-01-07) — A spokesman for Allah today said the Muslim deity is “still shaken” over attacks at the French satire magazine, Charlie Hebdo.

The revelation comes in the wake of breaking news that two masked men opened fire at the magazine’s Paris offices, killing at least twelve.

“Allah–the most sensitive, the most emotionally-unstable–has taken these attacks very hard,” the spokesman said. “He still can’t believe people could be so brutal as to draw mocking cartoons of his prophet, Muhammed, tease be upon him.

When informed that his jihadists had slaughtered perhaps a dozen unarmed writers and cartoonists, Allah reportedly wept, according to his messenger.

“I hope my soldiers of peace are not too distraught that their devotional offering to me was so small,” he said. “There is aways next time.”

Meanwhile, French President Françoise Hollande offered condolences to Allah and reassured a shocked and grieving nation that “such attacks will end when we all learn the true meaning of the word Islam–submission.”

Obama Strikes Landmark Climate Deal with China

Share Button
Obama strikes landmark climate-change deal with China

President Obama pledged to do what he pledged in 2009. President Xi pledged to do nothing until 2030.

Hamas Agrees to Unilateral 72-Hour “Cease Liar”

Share Button
Palestinian in Gaza covers his mouth to avoid breaking Hamas' unilateral 72-hour cease-liar.

Palestinian in Gaza covers his mouth to avoid breaking Hamas’ unilateral 72-hour cease-liar.

(2014-08-02) — Just hours after Hamas violated the most recent ceasefire agreement with Israel, President Barack Obama dispatched Secretary of State John Kerry to the telephone where he spent hours hammering out an ironclad unilateral 72-hour “cease-liar” deal with Hamas.

“During these three days,” Kerry said, “The leaders of Hamas have agreed to refrain from making any commitments they don’t intend to keep, or that they might later decide to breach, even though they start out with goodwill in their hearts.”

The White House admits this is an interim cease-liar agreement, and “at any moment Hamas could stagger under the burden of such an historic promise.”

Secretary Kerry completed the latest deal as the clock ticked down on the monthly minutes allocation of his Windows smartphone.

Kerry also explained that this week’s truce collapsed largely because neither Hamas, nor Turkish and Qatari mediators, could comfortably pronounce the first three letters of “truce.”

The Obama administration has agreed “to suspend peace talks for the duration of the agreement to facilitate compliance by Hamas.”

Panel Concludes Drone Strikes “Freakin’ Awesome”

Share Button

(2014-06-26) — A long-awaited report by a nonpartisan Washington think tank on the use and legality of drone strikes by the United States against terrorist targets has concluded that the practice is “freakin’ awesome,” although it’s a “slippery slope” that could lead to “perpetual war” conducted in secret with no presidential accountability.

Predator drone pilots

A report from the nonpartisan Stimson Center on Predator Drone usage concludes that serious legal questions remain unanswered, “but squeezing off Hellfire missiles on terrorist targets 5,000 miles away — well, YOLO.”

“It was like the greatest video game ever,” according to the report from the Stimson Center, whose investigation included site visits to operational outposts to observe pilots maneuvering Predator Drones remotely over targets, from thousands of miles away.

“You’ve got all these high-def screens, and super-sensitive controls,” the report documented. “It’s like you’re really in a war, but you have to keep reminding yourself that you’re not. And you only need to touch the trigger and the earth explodes all around the bad guy. I mean that terrorist is pwned! It’s incredibly realistic.”

President Obama, upon hearing these excerpts of the report, said, “I know. Right?”

Obama Threatens Use of Unmanned Oval Office

Share Button

(2014-06-16) — Standing next to Marine One, the presidential helicopter, Barack Obama said Sunday that he would not lead ground forces into the White House to solve the escalating crisis in Iraq, as Sunni militants, inspired by al-Qaeda, capture one town after another in an attempt to establish a Muslim caliphate.

President Obama remotely controls Oval Office.

President Obama demonstrates how he can remotely control an unmanned Oval Office and Situation Room. “I don’t even have to face the White House when I do this,” the president noted.

Instead, the president threatened the use of an unmanned Oval Office and Situation Room, even as he received Tweet-briefings from Secretary of State John Kerry, who is remotely overseeing the evacuation of the U.S. embassy in Tal Afar.

Mr. Obama, on vacation with his family, hit the links for a round of golf on a course owned by tech billionaire Larry Ellison, sending a clear signal to militants and terrorists alike that he rejects the Bush-era doctrine of “wingtips on the ground” in the executive office.

“Americans are weary of a wartime commander-in-chief, with his presidential daily briefings, and his knees under his desk,” Obama said. “If I needed to know what’s happening right now in Iraq, I have people I could ask. In the meantime, I can steer the ship of state remotely, from any golf course in the world.”

A spokesman for the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) said they were prepared for anything but a “an American drone president,” noting that they would have to rethink their entire battle plan, since “current strategic scenarios are all predicated on real-time personal involvement by the U.S. Commander in Chief.”

 

Obama Imposes Sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s Dog

Share Button

Obama Sanctions Putin's Gods

President Obama today imposed sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s dog in an effort to force the Russian leader to pull troops out of Crimea. The retaliatory measures were suggested by German Chancellor Angela Merkel who told Obama of Putin’s special relationship with his dog.

(2014-03-20) — After Russia’s president ignored and mocked a first round of U.S. sanctions against his wealthy political cronies, President Obama today announced he’ll hit Vladimir Putin where it hurts. Not only did he announce new sanctions, he actually carried them out on live TV.

“With the full support of the international community,” Mr. Obama said, “I’m announcing today several crippling sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s dog — limiting his travel, seizing his assets, and shaming him before the global community.”

At that point in the news conference, Mr. Obama looked into the TV camera and administered the sanctions directly to the Russian dog: “You want to go outside, boy? You want to go outside?,” he said enthusiastically, before turning serious. “Well, forget it. You’re not going anywhere. Go lay down. Get in your box. Get. In. That. Box. Now!”

The president continued, speaking directly to the Russian hound, saying, “You like this bone, do you?”

Mr. Obama waved a sizable beef shank bone in front of the camera, and then quickly hid the bone behind his back. “Where’d it go? Where is it, boy? It’s gone! Your asset has been seized by the President of the United States.”

The shaming reached its peak as Mr. Obama gravely intoned: “Bad dog. You’re such a bad dog. Bad. Bad. Bad dog.”

A spokesman for the Kremlin confirmed that President Putin’s dog was watching the live news conference, and had “suffered immeasurably.”

“The President of the United States has gone too far this time,” Mr. Putin’s spokesman said. “All retaliatory options are on the table. Any that fall off of the table, will certainly be dealt with by the dog.”

Obama: ‘Tea Party’ Must Decry Unconstitutional Move

Share Button

Obama Calls for Tea Party Uprising

President Obama called on his “Tea Party friends” to rise up against the Russian-engineered unconstitutional referendum in Crimea aimed at severing the region from Ukraine, and stripping the people of their God-given constitutional right to self-determination.

(2014-03-17) — President Obama called on the Tea Party movement in the United States to rise up against Sunday’s Crimean vote to secede from Ukraine, a move he has characterized as unconstitutional.

“It’s a violation of the Ukrainian constitution,” Mr. Obama said of Sunday’s referendum in which Crimeans appear to have voted, under the watchful eye of Russian troops, to move into the Russian Federation. “As a former professor of Constitutional law, I’m asking my fellow Constitutionalists in the Tea Party to decry this abrogation of the Ukrainian peoples’ God-given right to self-determination.”

The White House said the president sees the Tea Party as “perhaps the last bulwark of constitutional defense which we urgently need to stand against all enemies foreign and domestic.”

“No charismatic tyrant should be allowed to manipulate the masses into trashing the bedrock of a civil and free society,” said President Obama. “The framers of the Ukrainian constitution understood the clear and present danger of a dynamic foreigner sowing the seeds of internal division and thus tearing this great nation apart. The Tea Party should warn Ukraine that it must unite, or die.”

Troops in Crimea Merely Fetching Stray Sochi Dogs

Share Button

Russian President Vladimir Putin rescues a stray dog as a Japanese tourist admires his compassion. Putin sent troops to Crimea to recover the peripatetic pooches who fled Sochi during the Olympics to avoid Americans.

Russian President Vladimir Putin rescues a stray dog as a visiting Japanese tourist admires his compassion. Putin sent troops to Crimea to recover peripatetic pooches who fled Sochi during the Olympics to avoid Americans.

(2014-03-03) — Russian President Vladimir Putin scoffed at President Barack Obama’s suggestion that Russian troops invaded the Crimea region of Ukraine over the weekend, insisting volunteers went on a “mission of mercy” to retrieve stray dogs from Sochi.

“Obama knows nothing of our Russian compassion,” said Mr. Putin, as the former KGB boss suckled a rescued puppy at the bosom of his pet tiger. “The Olympic tourists disturbed our beloved freedom dogs, some of which ran far away, to Crimea.”

The Russian leader warned Mr. Obama to “stand down,” and stop threatening, because his forces would “remain in Ukraine until every last wandering dog is repatriated to the Fatherland.”

A Kremlin spokesman later added that Russian troops would also bring water back to Sochi, “water that is the color of clear.”

NSA Cracks al-Qaeda Snapchat Terror Ring

Share Button

Snapchat Logo

Snapchat’s database, just hacked by the NSA, contained a “surprising number” of young, female, topless al-Qaeda agents, according to sources in the Obama administration.

(2014-01-03) — The White House announced today that NSA code crackers hacked a key al-Qaeda Snapchat network, unmasking names and other identifying data of dozens of suspected terrorists–many of whom are surprisingly young, female and topless.

Snapchat is a social networking app that allows users to transmit text and photos designed to disappear from the recipient’s device within seconds. The ephemeral nature of the messages is what turned NSA staffers on to its possible use by the world’s best-known Islamist terror network.

However, unnamed sources admitted that Qaeda’s use of teenaged girls–posing in ways clearly forbidden by the Koran–initially surprised even seasoned espionage experts.

White House spokesman Jay Carney acknowledged that NSA cryptographers could take months to decode the secret messages, but added, “we have our best men on it day and night.”

He said the agency has shifted some analysts to the project who were winding up work on the NSA’s recently-successful Operation Target Shopper.

In the meantime, Carney said parents should inspect their teen’s smartphones and forward any suspicious pictures to the NSA.

The rare public revelation of an NSA covert operation seems aimed at critics who fault the secretive agency for its invasions of privacy, lack of accountability and paucity of demonstrable results in protecting Americans from attacks.