Archive for the ‘World’ Category

Youth Issues Cry for Help from Manchester Arena

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Ariana Grande fans mill about the Manchester Arena lobby, wondering if they could have done more to help a troubled you before he committed suicide with an improvised explosive devise.

Ariana Grande fans mill about the Manchester Arena lobby, wondering if they could have done more to help a troubled youth before he committed suicide with an improvised explosive devise.

 


(2017-05-23) — A troubled young person issued a cry for help last night from the lobby of a Manchester (U.K.) arena at the end of an Ariana Grande concert, leaving 22 dead and dozens wounded — most tragically, the emotionally-distraught youth himself.

Officials from Britain’s National Health Service offered regret that — despite having one of the world’s best-known socialized health systems — the government was unable to help the youth before his untimely death.

“We don’t know yet,” said one NHS official, “whether the victim suffered from the normal trauma brought on by income inequality, the social isolation associated with gender dysphoria, or if he was subject to bullying at school. We do know that the system failed him, because conservatives in Parliament have refused to adequately fund the National Health Service.”

 

Obama Fears Backlash on Muslims Who Pledge to ISIS

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Obama concerned about anti-ISIS backlash after San Bernardino shooting.

President Obama in a somber moment as he mulls the likelihood of anti-ISIS backlash when news broke that one of the San Bernardino shooters had pledged allegiance to the Islamic State.

(2015-12-04) — Minutes after learning that one of the shooters in this week’s San Bernardino attacks, that left 14 dead and injured 21, had pledged allegiance to the Islamic State on Facebook, the White House urged Americans to remain tolerant of “differences”, in an apparent effort to head off an anti-ISIS backlash.

“Many devotees of ISIL are patriotic Americans like you and I,” President Obama said in a written statement. “They’re just peacefully reading the Koran and the Hadith and exercising their First Amendment freedom of religion, hoping and praying for the return of the Mahdi to reign over a global caliphate under Allah’s Sharia. In other words, they’re good people.”

A White House spokesman said the president knows that many Americans are prone to react harshly, even violently, against “people who aren’t the same as them,” adding “who can forget the atrocities committed by Christians during the Crusades, etcetera.”

Obama ordered the Homeland Security secretary to step up surveillance of anti-ISIL hate groups, and assured the Council on American-Islamic Relations that his administration will do everything it can to keep our “all too common bigotry and hate” from harming the peaceful people he called “Caliphate-Americans.”

 

 

Obama on Paris: At Least We’re Not Charlie Sheen

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Bindi Irwin with Parrot

Asked about what changes President Obama will make now that his ISIS “degrade and destroy” strategy has failed to even contain the terror group, the White House released this picture of a young Bindi Irwin, as evidence of American exceptionalism. “We’ll never let the terrorists take our eyes off what really matters to us,” the president reportedly said.

(2015-11-17) — President Barack Obama, at the G-20 summit in Turkey today, said the Muslim terrorist attacks in Paris this week were a “setback, but it could be worse. We could be Charlie Sheen, and have HIV.”

Under aggressive questioning from journalists who suggested his approach to ISIS has failed, Obama repeatedly sought to put the carnage in context by comparing it with other, similar, tragedies.

“Let me be clear,” Obama said, frustration evident in his voice and body language, “The loss of life and the gruesome injuries inflicted on hundreds of people by terrorists of no particular religion is very…very disappointing. And I mean very. But how many of us would want to trade places with Tamar Braxton? One day you’re dancing with the stars, and the next you got blood clots on your lungs and you’re off the show, watching at home as that little minx, Bindi Irwin, captures America’s heart.

“What about Miranda Lambert?” Obama continued. “I mean, you think everything’s going great in your marriage, and then you find out he’s cheating on you.”

Obama, known for his steady hand as “no-drama Obama,” urged the nation to emulate him, and take the long view when it comes to fighting ISIS.

“Look,” the president said, “if ISIL…which is an acronym that stands for nothing in particular…if ISIL drives a wedge between us — between me and the reporters who’ve come to love me — well then, the terrorists have won, haven’t they?”

Outraged Pope Decrees Equal Pay for Female Pontiffs

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Pope Francis

Pope Francis reacted with shock recently upon learning the Vatican wage scale pays female Popes just 72-cents on the dollar compared to Pontiffs who happen to be male.

(2015-04-29) — Pope Francis today demanded an end to the wage gap that forces women to do equal work for less pay, which he called “pure scandal.”

To set an example of leadership, he immediately attacked the injustice with an edict requiring the Vatican to pay all female Pontiffs exactly what their male counterparts earn.

“They have the same rights,” Francis declared. “A Holy Father who is a woman does just as much work as one who happens to be a man. From now on, her paycheck will reflect that equality of burden.”

The Pope did not consult with the College of Cardinals before issuing the equal-pay Papal Bull because, in his words, he “knew the guys wouldn’t mind, so long as it doesn’t discriminate against men.”

The next female Bishoprice of Rome will still get full pre-natal care, obstetrical and gynecological services and paid maternity leave as part of her benefits, but more importantly, her salary and bonus package will match that of her male predecessors, adjusted for inflation.

A Vatican spokesman said a Vicarette of Christ will still have to wear the large shapeless pontifical garment, “but that’s a universal requirement, regardless of sex, and most elderly women don’t mind.”

 

 

 

Boston Bomber Guilty: Obama Trades for Gitmo Inmates

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Dzhokar Tsarnaev

Convicted Boston Marathon Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev rejoices upon learning that President Obama has secured his release in exchange for five Gitmo prisoners.

(2015-04-08) — Just moments after a jury convicted Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on all 30 counts for his role in 2013’s deadly Boston Marathon bombing, the White House announced it had secured his release in exchange for sending five accused terrorists from the Guantanamo Bay detention facility to “any Islamic state, group or caliphate that will take them.”

“Mr. Tsarnaev is an American citizen,” according to a White House statement quoting President Obama. “We never leave an American behind if he’s held in captivity. Period. Full stop.”

It’s not clear, at the moment, with whom Obama negotiated the trade, but the White House brushed off suggestions that Tsarnaev’s crimes make him unfit to be exchanged for high-value terror suspects.

“You can’t conflate what Mr. Tsarnaev did, with the unimpeachable fact that he’s an American citizen,” Obama reportedly said. “Those issues are completely separate.”

The White House said the president would make remarks later this week from the Rose Garden, flanked by Tsarnaev’s parents, who are reportedly “grateful for his release, bismillah al-Rahman al-Rahim.”

Obama Challenges ISIS to Meet U.N. Emissions Goals

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Obama with Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, caliph of ISIS

Direct diplomacy between President Barack Obama and his ISIS counterpart, Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi offers “the best hope of bringing ISIS into the community of civilized nations by having them sign the U.N. climate change accord.

(2015-04-01) — With the success of his nuclear diplomacy with Iran near at hand, President Obama opened up a direct channel of communication this week with the leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), challenging the Muslim caliphate to meet or exceed United Nations Climate Change emissions standards by 2025.

The White House said the president reached out via text message to ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, suggesting various ways the burgeoning Islamic State might reduce its emissions of greenhouse gases.

Among Obama’s tips to ISIS for meeting the standards in the upcoming U.N. Climate Change accord, the White House released the following text messages…

  • “Rather than selling the oil you capture on the black market, cap the wells, then erect wind/solar farms on conquered lands.”
  • “I know ISIS loots, pillages and burns. But 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. Thnk abt it.”
  • “Instead of burning caged hostages, consider renewables.”
  • “If you must ignite caged hostages (because Allah wills it), avoid diesel as an accelerant. Opt for clean-burning biofuels.”
  • “Vintage Russian tanks cn b 57% less fuel-efficient than current U.S. models. (BTW, I cn hook u up.)”
  • “U know the major cause of man-man climate change is humans, but, frankly, the U.S. could learn from u about reducing that source. No advice needed.”

The White House said, “Direct negotiations between the president and the caliph over the existential threat of man-made climate change offers the best hope of welcoming ISIS into the community of civilized nations.”

 

 

 

Iran Agrees to Amend Official Curse: ‘Death to America’

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Iran Agrees to Amend 'Death to America' Curse to Goiters on America

(2015-03-24) — In what the State Department calls a “major breakthrough” in bilateral negotiations with Iran over nuclear weapons, the Islamic Republic has agreed to amend its official curse “Death to America,” softening it to “Goiters on America.”

“Obviously, President Obama’s investment in direct talks with Iranian leaders is paying dividends,” said Secretary of State John Kerry. “While an enlarged thyroid gland can be painful, goiters are generally just inconvenient and unsightly. I’ve spoken with President Obama, and we can live with goiters.”

As recently as this week, the Islamic Republic’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei endorsed a chanting crowd’s call for “Death to America.”

“The Ayatollah still thinks the ideal curse is ‘Death to America,'” said a spokesman, “but he is not altogether unreasonable. He’s willing to moderate the curse for the term of the nuclear agreement, in exchange for the lifting of all sanctions.”

Obama Asks Congress for Full Future Retreat Powers

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Barack Obama, Commander in Chief

President Obama has asked Congress for permission to pullout of any future military engagement with the Islamic State on a publicly-announced timeline. The Commander in Chief is shown in this file photo saluting a battalion of Army Rangers returning from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

(2015-02-12) — With the threat of an Islamic State conquest of Iraq and Syria growing by the day, President Obama has written to Congress for authorization to announce a future pullout date for any and all troops on a specified public timeline “without regard to battlefield conditions or the status of the enemy.”

Republicans have criticized Mr. Obama for past kinetic military actions taken on his own authority, insisting he should have sought the Constitutionally-required Congressional approval. But the White House said he’s learned his lesson.

“The president heard the message from the voters in November,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest, “so, this time he’s extending an olive branch, asking in advance for the power to withdraw our troops from enemy territory that we have not yet entered, and where he has committed to keeping American boots off of the ground. In essence, he’s asking to retreat in advance as a way to prevent an ill-fated American invasion, and to get us out quickly if we accidentally invade.”

In the authorization request, Mr. Obama assures Congress that he “will not conduct the war in a manner conducive to so-called ‘victory,’ as that would produce bad feelings against the United States and become a recruiting tool for fanatics who twist the religion of peace for selfish reasons.”

The White House said the president still reserves to himself the executive branch power to strategically leak military secrets to the media, to draw ‘red lines’ in order to sound serious, to make lukewarm public statements in which our troops sound like victims to be pitied rather than heroes to be honored, and to convey to oppressed peoples the false hope of American support.”

Obama Finally Tweets Reason He Missed Paris Rally

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Obama: Je suis, donc je suis. #MoiMeme

Obama Skips Paris Rally to Plan ‘Jihad Against Jihadis’

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Obama and Biden in Situation Room

President Obama confers with Vice President Biden in the White House Situation Room on Obama’s “jihad against jihadis,” the president’s new all-out assault on radical Islamists and the book that they use as intended by their prophet.

(2015-01-12) — U.S. President Barack Obama missed this weekend’s rally in Paris, which drew leaders from 40 nations, because he was hunkered down in the White House Situation Room plotting what sources called “a jihad against Muslim jihadis.”

The absence in Paris of Obama, Vice President Biden, First Lady Michelle Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry has evoked global criticism. However, the president was represented at the rally by the U.S. Ambassador to France, said press secretary Josh Earnest, noting she had to travel “several blocks in heavy traffic” to get to the rally.

“The ambassador is, after all, an Obama campaign bundler,” Earnest said, “and what could be more personal than that? Didn’t Jesus say, ‘Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also’? The president’s heart was in Paris, with our oldest ally.”

Officials insist Obama would have attended the “Je Suis Charlie” rally, but he was sequestered with Biden and the First Lady, “mapping out a vigorous, kinetic war against the pestilence of radical Islam, and against those who, through passive assent, facilitate the Muslim terrorists.”

“The president is more convinced than ever that we’re at war against radical Islam, whose battle plan is a literal reading of the Koran as Muhammed intended,” said one unnamed White House source familiar with Obama’s thinking. “He can’t believe that world leaders are so reluctant to stand up and state the obvious fact, and to do something about it.”

A draft outline of the “jihad against jihadis” indicates Obama plans to shut down the madrassas–the religious schools for children that mix Koran memorization, with Sharia law indoctrination and anti-Western tirades. The president also means to take down the jihad-backing oil sheiks who hide in plain sight in U.S.-allied nations in the Arab world.

“We’re going to drill for oil in the U.S. until these wealthy Muslim gangsters are panhandling out of cardboard boxes,” Obama allegedly told Biden.

The commander in chief will reportedly threaten to close embassies in Arab states until they recognize and enforce universal human rights for all citizens. His ambassador to the U.N. will block efforts to recognize a Palestinian state until they change their charter to support Israel’s right to exist, and they eject known terrorist groups from the Palestinian government.

“When he was a boy, Barack Obama lived in Indonesia,” said an unnamed source. “He knows these people, he knows their battle book, and he’s the perfect president to take us to war against this millennial Muslim scourge.”