Archive for the ‘World’ Category

Pope to Priests: Abstain from Molestation on Fridays

(2018-08-26) — As part of his sweeping crackdown on sexual abuse and coverups in the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Francis today ordered all priests, cardinals and others in the church hierarchy to abstain from molesting women, children and seminarians on Fridays.

The pontiff’s new commandment comes in the the wake of the shocking revelation by a former Vatican diplomat that the Holy Father was told as early as June 23, 2013 about U.S. Cardinal Theodore McCarrick’s history of sexually molesting seminary students. The Pope reportedly remained silent, and later repealed sanctions previously-imposed on McCarrick by Pope Benedict XVI.

Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò, 77, who served as apostolic nuncio in Washington D.C. from 2011 to 2016, says he personally told the Vicar of Christ that the Vatican had a thick file of allegations against McCarrick for “gravely immoral behavior,” indicating he was a “serial predator.” Yet, McCarrick’s influence with the Vatican grew greater during Francis’ pontificate.

Viganò’s 11-page public letter, detailing a wide-spread coverup among church leaders, sparked Pope Francis to issue the new ex cathedra (infallible) pronouncement that, in addition to abstaining from meat on Friday’s, priests must on that same day each week “penitentially refrain from wooing, grooming, groping or otherwise violating parishioners or students under their pastoral care.”

 

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Charlottesville Rally Bust Made White Man Feel Blue

(2018-08-14) — After a white supremacist anniversary rally in Charlottesville, Va., turned out to be a bust, one participant said he’ll return to full-time internet trolling, but added that he feels “a little blue, and that’s a color I can’t stand either.”

The unnamed racist said he had a great time at the 2017 “Unite the Right” rally in Charlottesville, an event capped by one man’s celebratory “Ramming of the Crowd.”

However, this year’s event failed to attract more than a handful of white nationalists, who were vastly outnumbered by Antifa, so-called anti-fascist counter-protestors.

“From what we’ve seen online, we assumed our Mighty Whitey movement was huge and growing,” the racist said. “As it turns out, it was merely a handful of Kommitted Keyboard Kowards, and the repeated media coverage a few devoted brothers that gave us that impression.”

The white racist said he felt lonely and adrift, and that he might soon make a career move.

“I’m might go full Antifa,” the self-proclaimed bigot said, “if only for the fellowship, the chance to feel anonymously special, and to be the tough guy that my internet comments imply that I am.”

Asked why a committed white racist would switch teams, he said, “White hood or black hoodie: It’s all the same to me. Plus, Antifa actually backs up its tough talk with real violence. Hurting people and damaging property is not a rare phenomenon with Antifa — it’s who they are. I saw them roughing up reporters, and frankly got a little jealous. That’s how bigotry and hatred is supposed to look.”

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Maduro: Drone Attack Proves Socialism Works

(2018-08-05) — President Nicolas Maduro today said that an alleged assassination attempt against him from bomb-laden drones during a speech at a military parade merely demonstrates that Venezuela thrives under socialism, because “even the dregs of society in Venezuela can afford drones.”

“Donald Trump brags about his capitalist country, but many poor Americans don’t own even a single unmanned aerial vehicle,” Maduro said during a five-hour speech celebrating his triumph over “the evil plastic blasting bird” [una paloma blammo].”

While some firefighters on the scene claimed the blast was merely an exploding gas tank at a nearby apartment building, Maduro said that a “squadron of vicious drones dove out of the sun at supersonic speed before I utterly destroyed them with the force of my personality, and my powerful corneas, thus saving everyone from certain death.”

Venezuelan citizens attending the Maduro speech agreed with the president’s account of the attack, adding, “Are you going to finish that sandwich?”

Discuss in Scrappler Chat

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Trump to Bail Out iPhone Users if Tariffs Boost Prices

(2018-07-25) — On the heels of a $12 billion bailout for farmers who have lost an estimated $13 billion due to international retaliation against U.S. tariffs, the White House said it’s ready to help iPhone users as well.

Farmers complain that President Donald Trump’s tariffs have triggered a trade war, drying up foreign markets for American soybeans, pork, sugar, orange juice, cherries, and more. In response, the U.S. Department of Agriculture in September will begin paying farmers who have lost foreign customers. The Ag department will also buy even more surplus food to distribute to the poor.

But the White House knows that consumers have also been affected by the trade war, and Trump stands ready to rescue them as well.

If tariffs drive up iPhone prices, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) plans to directly subsidize consumers who buy Apple’s popular smartphones, even if market prices reach $2,000-$3,000 per phone or more.

Trump has allegedly told confidants that he’ll “make iPhones so cheap, I alone will be able to afford a flip phone.”

“The president doesn’t believe the government should pick winners and losers in the economy,” said an unnamed source, who knows when the president thinks. “We only pick winners. We punish losers. These great American tariffs and subsidies will give the American people so much winning it will make them sick.”

To his free-market Republican critics in Congress, Trump has privately said, “If ‘free trade’ is good, how can you call giving farmers and iPhone users free money ‘bad’. Both free. Both good.”

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Pelosi Echoes Trump Threat to Iran Regime

(2018-07-23) — Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, joined hands with President Donald Trump this morning to warn Iran’s “repressive, corrupt regime” against provoking “the greatest force for liberty the world has ever seen.”

Pelosi’s bipartisan statesmanship comes after Trump Tweeted in all caps his own warning to Iranian President Hassan Rouhani against threatening the U.S., and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo likened the regime to the Mafia.

Pelosi’s state of California is home to some 250,000 Iranian-Americans, many of whom have fled the Islamic regime since it seized power in 1979.

“There’s not a millimeter of daylight between Democrats and President Trump when it comes to standing up for the long-suffering people of Iran,” Pelosi said. “If our reimposed sanctions don’t bring down the Islamic kleptocracy, the righteous resolve of Iran’s mighty people shall.”

Pelosi said her message to Iran’s anti-regime protestors in the streets is: “This time, America has your back.”

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Trump Dumps on May Way to Brexit, Wrecks It

President Trump, after remarks almost certain to trigger armageddon, brutally forces the stunning Melania Trump into a helicopter, despite her show-stopping gown from J. Mendel.

President Trump, after remarks almost certain to trigger diplomatic Armageddon, brutally forces the stunning Melania Trump into a helicopter, despite her show-stopping gown from J. Mendel.

(2018-07-13) — After years of campaigning, a public referendum, and thousands hours of deliberations and negotiations over the U.K. exit from the European Union — known as Brexit — sources said U.S. President Donald Trump ruined everything yesterday.

According to deeply-concerned diplomats, Trump’s revelation to a British tabloid that Prime Minister Theresa May ignored his advice will likely scuttle Brexit, tank global financial markets, bring down the May government, dethrone Queen Elizabeth II, shutter pubs throughout the Commonwealth, and recapitulate the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, triggering World War I and the inevitable rise to power of Adolf Hitler, thus threatening to undo the highly-successful foreign policy legacy of former President Barack Obama.

“I can’t imagine anything worse,” said one diplomat who requested anonymity to avoid responsibility. “Trump’s remarks are literally the most catastrophic thing to ever happen to Britain and to all of Europe, without exception.”

Experts also agreed that U.S. First Lady Melania Trump looked stunning in a flowing, yellow, off-the-shoulder gown from J. Mendel, but only because President Trump didn’t say anything about it.

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NATO Rejects ‘Obsolete’ Label in Telegram to Trump

(2018-07-11) — The head of the NATO virgorously rejected U.S. President Donald Trump’s suggestion that the 69-year-old defense alliance is “obsolete.” The fiery reaction came in a terse telegram to Trump, received at the East Portico of the White House from a mounted courier late yesterday.

“NATO NOT OBSOLETE STOP YOUR REMARKS OF THE 10TH INSTANT NOT HELPFUL STOP WE DEMAND SATISFACTION STOP YOUR OBEDIENT SERVANT J.S.,” said the telegram from NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg, eldest son of Thorvald Stoltenberg, of the Oslo Stoltenbergs.

As the blistering telegram message crackled through the trans-Atlantic cable, Mr. Stoltenberg also dispatched his personal emissary aboard a Norwegian schooner. A crowd of courtiers saw him off with well-wishes, tearfully waving handkerchiefs.

Given favorable winds, the diplomat should dock at the port of Philadelphia before year’s end, then take a carriage to the White House to demand parley with the American leader.

Should Mr. Trump fail to issue an apology, the code of honor demands he face Stoltenberg in a wooded glen to settle the matter with sabres.

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Photo of 2nd Crying Girl Shows Terrible Trump Toll

Crying Child Pic Highlights Trump Era Cookie Dearth

Source: John Moore, Getty Images

(2018-06-22) — As news broke that a little girl crying at the Mexican border — seen by millions in a viral photo — was never actually separated from her mother by federal immigration agents, social media erupted with an even more distressing image of another weeping girl. The photographer who captured both pictures suggested the second child may have been reacting to Trump administration policy that deprived her of a cookie.

Getty photographer John Moore, whose iconic immigration photo appeared on the cover of Time magazine, said his new-found fame has driven him to take “more pictures that may not actually portray what’s happening at the moment, and yet do illustrate the terrible Trump toll.”

For this latest assignment, Moore said he tracked the two-year-old girl’s mother — an apparent shoplifter — inside of a grocery store for nearly an hour.

“In a stroke of luck,” Moore said, “I knelt down and snapped a series seven photos just as the toddler learned she would not immediately receive a cookie her Mom had promised as a reward if she were a good girl.”

Moore said he attributes the girl’s cookie deprivation to “the cultural norms, the deception, and the rash of broken promises fostered by Trump administration policy.”

Oftentimes…[this] is talked about in terms of statistics,” Moore said, “and when you put a human face and humanize an issue, you make people feel. And when you make people feel, they have compassion. And if I’ve done just a little bit of that, then that’s OK.

In related news, President Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, has reportedly pressed her father to issue an executive order restoring the cookie to the girl.

Meanwhile, Republicans in Congress plan to meet tonight behind closed doors for an argument about the cookie that some will later leak to the media.

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Hamburg Tourism Board Thanks G20 Protestors

ScrappleFace: Hamburg Tourism Promotion Board

 

 

 

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Youth Issues Cry for Help from Manchester Arena

Ariana Grande fans mill about the Manchester Arena lobby, wondering if they could have done more to help a troubled you before he committed suicide with an improvised explosive devise.

Ariana Grande fans mill about the Manchester Arena lobby, wondering if they could have done more to help a troubled youth before he committed suicide with an improvised explosive devise.

 


(2017-05-23) — A troubled young person issued a cry for help last night from the lobby of a Manchester (U.K.) arena at the end of an Ariana Grande concert, leaving 22 dead and dozens wounded — most tragically, the emotionally-distraught youth himself.

Officials from Britain’s National Health Service offered regret that — despite having one of the world’s best-known socialized health systems — the government was unable to help the youth before his untimely death.

“We don’t know yet,” said one NHS official, “whether the victim suffered from the normal trauma brought on by income inequality, the social isolation associated with gender dysphoria, or if he was subject to bullying at school. We do know that the system failed him, because conservatives in Parliament have refused to adequately fund the National Health Service.”

 

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