Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Kavanaugh Won’t Steal Democrat Senators’ Souls

(2018-08-04) — Senate Democrats ended their boycott and decided to meet with President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee after Judge Brett Kavanaugh agreed “not to steal their souls, or otherwise torment them, now or in the hereafter.”

“In a negotiated settlement, Judge Kavanaugh has agreed to answer Democrat Senators’ questions,” according to Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, “without searing our corneas with his other-worldly gaze, nor sending us into convulsions with an electro-magnetic brain pulse, nor doing anything to intentionally affect our condition in the after-life.”

Schumer said his caucus would comply, reluctantly — both for the good of the nation, and because blocking a supremely-qualified jurist didn’t poll well in the run up to the midterm elections.

 

Facebook Plunges On News Nobody Cares About You

(2018-07-27) — Facebook’s historic $148 billion stock value plunge this week happened, according to Wall Street analysts, because nobody really cares about you.

“Facebook’s entire business model is predicated on monetizing empathy,” said one stock researcher, “but people are agnostic, at best, about your condition, behavior and future prospects. Facebook represents a fundamental misunderstanding of human nature.”

The latest market analysis shows that nobody cares what you eat, where you go, what you think, or who you’re with. They don’t want to play games with you, answer your rhetorical-question polls, buck you up when you troll for compliments, or get sucked into the negative-feedback loop of your insignificant existence.

In fact, for the average user, 93 percent of time spent on Facebook is devoted to reviewing self-posted material, often wondering why nobody seems to care.

“Facebook has been sold to advertisers and investors as an entertaining, engaging social media platform,” the unnamed analyst said. “That only works if you’re interesting. The data are in, and you’re not.”

 

TV Shouting Match Proves Other Side Wrong

(2018-07-20) — A televised verbal clash between rival partisans this week proved conclusively that the other side is wrong, perhaps mentally-ill, and utterly lacking in moral judgment.

The argument between talkshow guests broke out just 11 seconds into an in-depth three-minute, seven-person, panel discussion on foreign policy, executive authority, climate change, and Constitutional law. It quickly escalated to high-volume personal insults that definitively established the misjudgement and malevolence of those who hold the rival viewpoint.

“He really owned that idiot,” said an unnamed associate of the winning guest. “It was embarrassing to watch that guy just crumble in the face of the truth. I’d feel sorry for him, you know, if he weren’t hell-bent on destroying our way of life.”

The latest debate victory extends the unbroken streak of triumphs over the opposing ideology that started at the dawn of time, conclusively confirming that viewers need not listen to, ask questions about, or try to understand, alternative ideas.

 

Trump Clarifies Russia Quip, 2015 Announcement

(2018-07-19) — In the wake of bipartisan backlash over his performance at a news conference with Russian President Vladimir Putin this week, President Donald Trump clarified one remark, and may soon walk back two earlier statements, sources said.

Trump told reporters that at the Helsinki summit he had meant to say “I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be” Russia that meddled in the 2016 U.S. elections, rather than “any reason why it would be.”

In addition, unnamed White House aides said the president will soon clarify two statements he made at his June 2015 presidential campaign announcement at Trump Tower, when he appeared to say:

1) “I would repeal and replace the big lie, Obamacare.”

2) “I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will have Mexico pay for that wall.”

In the spirit of bipartisanship, former President Barack Obama is reportedly mulling his own clarifications of statements he made that seemed to say Americans would be able to keep their doctors, and that Obamacare would “bend the cost curve down“.

A spokesman for the National Archives said if this presidential clarifications trend continues, they’ll need to construct a new wing on the complex, “roughly the size of New Hampshire.”

 

New Evidence Indicates You Were Right All Along

(2018-07-18) — Despite a blizzard of naysayers, recently uncovered evidence proves that you were right from the beginning, and that no further argument is necessary.

The proof that you’ve been correct, despite the fact that no one would listen to you, emerged from countless hours of research — watching videos, listening to podcasts, and reading essays by people whose agreement with you established your point conclusively.

Trusted experts say the emerging information merely affirms what they’ve known intuitively for years, and should silence the skeptics, end partisan division, and turn the tide for the country.

 

Obama Checks Alaska Off Bucket List, Oval Office Next

Obama looks at Alaska glacier

Barack Obama stands on the prow of a ship, gazing at an Alaskan glacier. He reportedly asked a local Eskimo guide, “How do I get to the Oval Office from here?”

(2015-09-02) — As he heads toward the sunset of his two-term presidency, Barack Obama has just checked “visit Alaskan glacier” off of his bucket list, the tally of things he’d really like to do or see before the end.

Next, White House sources say, Obama plans to visit the Oval Office, where “he hopes to really get a feel for what it’s like to be the chief executive of a Constitutional republic,” one source said.

“Everyone has those sort of ‘far out’ dreams that they’d pursue if they had the time and resources,” an unnamed spokesman said. “President Obama has the wealth and time to just go for it.”

Friends say that, since he was a boy named Barry, Obama has dreamed of “sitting at that big desk in the Oval Office, and doing whatever it is that presidents do there.”

Now that he’s near the end of his tenure,  one friend said, “he can indulge stuff like that.”

Obama associates said that if he actually visits the Oval Office, he might change its name to the original Cherokee phrase, which is “U-we-tsi-yu-s-di di-ga-lv-wi-s-da-ne-di.”

 

Share Button
 

Obama Tweets, Snapchats Netanyahu Congrats

Obama Tweets Congrats to Netanyahu

Moments after exit polling showed Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu’s Likud party victorious in Israel’s election yesterday, President Obama sent this tweet.

(2015-03-18) — Few people were more excited about Benjamin Netanyahu’s success in yesterday’s election than U.S. President Barack Obama.

Obama, who views Netanyahu “like the father I nearly-never had,” closely followed the Israeli election results. When exit polls indicated a favorable outcome, he Tweeted to his 56.6 million Twitter followers: “OMG…Bibi and Likud make it 3. #NetanyahuDat?”

The president then ordered a senior staffer to take a selfie of Obama (he calls it a ‘staffie’), which he sent via Snapchat to the Israeli leader, with the comment: “Bibi FTW. So…that happened.”

“Israel has no stronger ally than the United States of America, and Prime Minister Netanyahu has no more devoted fan than this president of these United States,” Obama said in an official statement.

Obama Snapchats congrats to Netanyahu

Here’s the official presidential Snapchat to Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu celebrating his reelection.

“I’m sure that our close relationship, strong alliance and shared principles will only serve to cement the bond I share with my BiBiFF in the coming years,” he added.

A White House spokesman denied Republican accusations that Obama operatives had worked behind the scenes to topple the Prime Minister, and he played down suggestions that Obama was miffed that Netanyahu spoke to a joint session of Congress recently without consulting with him first.

“The President only regrets that he couldn’t get front row tickets to the Prime Minister’s Congressional speech,” said spokesman Josh Earnest. “He’s too respectful of the separation of powers to pick up the phone and call Speaker John Boehner. After all, the Speaker of the House is not Beyoncé or Kanye. One doesn’t just text him to beg for tickets.”

 

 

Hillary Clinton Plans Private Presidential Library

Hillary Rodham (Clinton) Presidential Library

Preliminary architectural drawings of the Hillary Rodham (Clinton) Presidential Library include a courtesy entrance for security personnel and close Clinton associates, as well as a parking lot adequate to accommodate everyone who has a ClintonEmail.com address.

(2015-03-10) — In the wake of revelations that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton used a private email server for State Department business, a source close to the presumptive 2016 Democratic nominee says Mrs. Clinton has plans for a private presidential library.

“She’s a very deliberate planner,” said the unnamed source, “and given the likelihood of her election as president, naturally she’s well into establishing the repository for her presidential documents.”

Architectural drawings of the Hillary Rodham (Clinton) Presidential Library show a massive server farm in a hardened bunker, but no exterior doors for public access to the facility.

“Americans and international visitors will, of course, be welcome to tour the grounds and to gaze at the striking exterior of the Rodham Presidential Library,” the source said. “But only Mrs. Clinton and key associates will have access to the interior. Frankly, there’s nothing to see there anyway.”

 

Obamacare Official to Quit if Resign.gov Ever Works

Resign.gov

Resign.gov as it appeared when Marilyn Tavenner, who oversaw the Healthcare.gov rollout, tried to access it to process her resignation from the Obama administration.

(2015-01-16) — Marilyn Tavenner, the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services official who oversaw the launch of HealthCare.gov, announced today that she would resign from the Obama administration, “just as soon as I can actually log on to Resign.gov.”

A spokesman for the federal government’s human resources department said they’ve just rolled out a new resignation system that will make it faster and easier for federal employees to end their careers “with a few clicks of the mouse.” However, the system has “a few minor glitches that we’re working through.”

Tavenner said that at first Resign.gov would not let her create an account, and then it said she was in a “waiting room” and should check back often. Eventually, she was allowed to enter information, but then the system didn’t recognize her.

“It’s really frustrating,” Tavenner said. “I can’t even find out what my retirement benefits are without entering my life story, and I can’t even do that because the system’s locked up and I can’t log in.”

Yesterday, Resign.gov was taken down for maintenance after it unexpectedly got deluged with as many as 13 simultaneous users.

 

 

Archeologists Unearth Trove of Muhammed Selfies

Muhammed Selfie unearthed near Mecca

One of a collection of papyrus selfies by Muhammed, the Prophet of Islam, recently discovered near Mecca. Experts date the work sometime during the transition between the era of duck-lip selfies, and the birth of the fish face.

(2015-01-16) — Archeologists digging near Mecca in Saudi Arabia say they have uncovered a large collection of 7th century self-portraits of the Prophet Muhammed.

The ink-on-papyrus selfies have sparked an outcry among jihadis in Qaeda and the Islamic State. Several imams have issued a joint fatwa against “the artist who created the self-portraits of the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him).”

“Under Sharia, no one has the right to blaspheme the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him) by rendering his image,” according to the text of the fatwa, which was released in a series of 617 tweets early this morning. “Brothers of the ummah (Muslim community) are directed to seize the self-portraitist by the beard and separate his head from his blaspheming body.”

Although the Associated Press released several images of the Muhammed selfies to its affiliated news organizations around the world, The New York Times issued a today statement that “the discovery of the ancient self-portraits of the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him) is not newsworthy (peace be upon us).”

The White House also released remarks from President Obama who said, “The past must not belong to those who slander the Prophet of Islam (salla Allahu Alay wa Salam).”