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Obama Checks Alaska Off Bucket List, Oval Office Next

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Obama looks at Alaska glacier

Barack Obama stands on the prow of a ship, gazing at an Alaskan glacier. He reportedly asked a local Eskimo guide, “How do I get to the Oval Office from here?”

(2015-09-02) — As he heads toward the sunset of his two-term presidency, Barack Obama has just checked “visit Alaskan glacier” off of his bucket list, the tally of things he’d really like to do or see before the end.

Next, White House sources say, Obama plans to visit the Oval Office, where “he hopes to really get a feel for what it’s like to be the chief executive of a Constitutional republic,” one source said.

“Everyone has those sort of ‘far out’ dreams that they’d pursue if they had the time and resources,” an unnamed spokesman said. “President Obama has the wealth and time to just go for it.”

Friends say that, since he was a boy named Barry, Obama has dreamed of “sitting at that big desk in the Oval Office, and doing whatever it is that presidents do there.”

Now that he’s near the end of his tenure,  one friend said, “he can indulge stuff like that.”

Obama associates said that if he actually visits the Oval Office, he might change its name to the original Cherokee phrase, which is “U-we-tsi-yu-s-di di-ga-lv-wi-s-da-ne-di.”

 

Obama Tweets, Snapchats Netanyahu Congrats

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Obama Tweets Congrats to Netanyahu

Moments after exit polling showed Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu’s Likud party victorious in Israel’s election yesterday, President Obama sent this tweet.

(2015-03-18) — Few people were more excited about Benjamin Netanyahu’s success in yesterday’s election than U.S. President Barack Obama.

Obama, who views Netanyahu “like the father I nearly-never had,” closely followed the Israeli election results. When exit polls indicated a favorable outcome, he Tweeted to his 56.6 million Twitter followers: “OMG…Bibi and Likud make it 3. #NetanyahuDat?”

The president then ordered a senior staffer to take a selfie of Obama (he calls it a ‘staffie’), which he sent via Snapchat to the Israeli leader, with the comment: “Bibi FTW. So…that happened.”

“Israel has no stronger ally than the United States of America, and Prime Minister Netanyahu has no more devoted fan than this president of these United States,” Obama said in an official statement.

Obama Snapchats congrats to Netanyahu

Here’s the official presidential Snapchat to Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu celebrating his reelection.

“I’m sure that our close relationship, strong alliance and shared principles will only serve to cement the bond I share with my BiBiFF in the coming years,” he added.

A White House spokesman denied Republican accusations that Obama operatives had worked behind the scenes to topple the Prime Minister, and he played down suggestions that Obama was miffed that Netanyahu spoke to a joint session of Congress recently without consulting with him first.

“The President only regrets that he couldn’t get front row tickets to the Prime Minister’s Congressional speech,” said spokesman Josh Earnest. “He’s too respectful of the separation of powers to pick up the phone and call Speaker John Boehner. After all, the Speaker of the House is not Beyoncé or Kanye. One doesn’t just text him to beg for tickets.”

 

Hillary Clinton Plans Private Presidential Library

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Hillary Rodham (Clinton) Presidential Library

Preliminary architectural drawings of the Hillary Rodham (Clinton) Presidential Library include a courtesy entrance for security personnel and close Clinton associates, as well as a parking lot adequate to accommodate everyone who has a ClintonEmail.com address.

(2015-03-10) — In the wake of revelations that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton used a private email server for State Department business, a source close to the presumptive 2016 Democratic nominee says Mrs. Clinton has plans for a private presidential library.

“She’s a very deliberate planner,” said the unnamed source, “and given the likelihood of her election as president, naturally she’s well into establishing the repository for her presidential documents.”

Architectural drawings of the Hillary Rodham (Clinton) Presidential Library show a massive server farm in a hardened bunker, but no exterior doors for public access to the facility.

“Americans and international visitors will, of course, be welcome to tour the grounds and to gaze at the striking exterior of the Rodham Presidential Library,” the source said. “But only Mrs. Clinton and key associates will have access to the interior. Frankly, there’s nothing to see there anyway.”

Obamacare Official to Quit if Resign.gov Ever Works

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Resign.gov

Resign.gov as it appeared when Marilyn Tavenner, who oversaw the Healthcare.gov rollout, tried to access it to process her resignation from the Obama administration.

(2015-01-16) — Marilyn Tavenner, the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services official who oversaw the launch of HealthCare.gov, announced today that she would resign from the Obama administration, “just as soon as I can actually log on to Resign.gov.”

A spokesman for the federal government’s human resources department said they’ve just rolled out a new resignation system that will make it faster and easier for federal employees to end their careers “with a few clicks of the mouse.” However, the system has “a few minor glitches that we’re working through.”

Tavenner said that at first Resign.gov would not let her create an account, and then it said she was in a “waiting room” and should check back often. Eventually, she was allowed to enter information, but then the system didn’t recognize her.

“It’s really frustrating,” Tavenner said. “I can’t even find out what my retirement benefits are without entering my life story, and I can’t even do that because the system’s locked up and I can’t log in.”

Yesterday, Resign.gov was taken down for maintenance after it unexpectedly got deluged with as many as 13 simultaneous users.

 

Archeologists Unearth Trove of Muhammed Selfies

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Muhammed Selfie unearthed near Mecca

One of a collection of papyrus selfies by Muhammed, the Prophet of Islam, recently discovered near Mecca. Experts date the work sometime during the transition between the era of duck-lip selfies, and the birth of the fish face.

(2015-01-16) — Archeologists digging near Mecca in Saudi Arabia say they have uncovered a large collection of 7th century self-portraits of the Prophet Muhammed.

The ink-on-papyrus selfies have sparked an outcry among jihadis in Qaeda and the Islamic State. Several imams have issued a joint fatwa against “the artist who created the self-portraits of the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him).”

“Under Sharia, no one has the right to blaspheme the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him) by rendering his image,” according to the text of the fatwa, which was released in a series of 617 tweets early this morning. “Brothers of the ummah (Muslim community) are directed to seize the self-portraitist by the beard and separate his head from his blaspheming body.”

Although the Associated Press released several images of the Muhammed selfies to its affiliated news organizations around the world, The New York Times issued a today statement that “the discovery of the ancient self-portraits of the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him) is not newsworthy (peace be upon us).”

The White House also released remarks from President Obama who said, “The past must not belong to those who slander the Prophet of Islam (salla Allahu Alay wa Salam).”

 

Ferguson Protestors: Just 37 More Cars Must Burn

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Apple Announces ‘Gayest CEO Ever’, Store Lines Form

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Apple CEO Tim Cook

Apple CEO Tim Cook today announced the company’s “gayest CEO ever.”

(2014-10-30) — Lines formed around the block at Apple Stores nationwide today after the Cupertino, California, tech firm announced its “gayest CEO ever.”

“It’s the most personal announcement Apple has ever made, even more personal than the Apple Watch,” said CEO Tim Cook, who refused to take media questions because he “needs some time off to re-energize.”

Apple design chief Jony Ive said, “This is huge. We’re now the only major device maker with a CEO that’s both unbelievably thin, and unbelievably gay — and yet so intimate and personal.”

Rumors have percolated for months but the news set off a frenzy on technology blogs and Apple fan forums.

“I can’t wait!” said one eager Apple customer, from his sleeping bag on the sidewalk outside of the Apple Store on Fifth Avenue in New York. “I’m not sure what this is all about, but it’s Apple — so you know it’s going to be unbelievable.”

Store personnel initially tried to persuade the crowd that “there’s nothing to see here,” but eventually gave up and began taking reservations.

A spokesman for rival Samsung said the Korean tech firm’s CEO is “actually gayer than Apple’s, and has been for years.”

Redskins’ New Name to Honor Indian Casino Heritage

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(2014-06-19) — In the wake of yesterday’s ruling by a federal agency that the Washington Redskins do not enjoy trademark protection for their team name because it’s offensive to some Native Americans, the franchise owner is reportedly considering “bringing the name up to date in a way that reflects more recent Native American traditions.”

Obama on reservation

President Obama applauded federal action stripping exclusive rights to the name ‘Redskins’ from Washington’s NFL franchise. Obama is seen here in a file photo at a ceremony to mark the erection of thousands of power-generating wind turbines on Indian land. The tribal chief made a speech thanking the president, and giving him the honorary Indian name “Eagle Killer.”

According to unnamed NFL sources, the short list of potential new names includes “The Washington Craps Dealers,” since the Trademark and Trial Appeal Board of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office ruled that the name “Redskins” is disparaging, and not a badge of honor as team owners have claimed for years.

A White House spokesman said President Obama applauds the trademark ruling, which means that the Redskins’ owner can no longer sue for trademark infringement, “even if a thousand other businesses steal the name and use it on their products.”

“Finally,” the president said, “Native Americans get justice against a white man.”

Sources say other team names under consideration would acknowledge…

  • the relationship between the U.S. government and the Indian tribes — “The Washington Dependents,” or
  • the rich Native American tradition of overcoming addiction to distilled spirits — “The Washington 12-Steppers,” or
  • the freedom from daily toil enjoyed by many on Indian reservations — “The Washington Jobless.”

 

Russian Forces Take Over Space Station Modules

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International Space Station annexed by Russia

Russian forces have moved into several modules of the International Space Station at the invitation of pro-Russian forces, to protect them from laboratory rodents run amok, according to Kremlin sources.

(2014-03-11) — Reports from the International Space Station (ISS) indicate that Russia has effectively annexed several modules of the orbiting laboratory, allegedly at the invitation of a Russian-speaking scientist aboard.

President Vladimir Putin said his forces moved in “peacefully and are committed to protecting the interests of pro-Russian persons on the ISS” — which currently comprises cosmonaut Mikhail Tyurin, who felt threatened by some laboratory rodents run amok.

Mr. Tyurin’s American and Japanese counterparts are reportedly “delighted” by the move, according to Izvestia, the Russian newspaper, quoting sources in the Kremlin.

At the White House, President Obama is said to be in phone contact with NASA, President Putin and U.N. Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon, from a nearby golf resort where his family is taking a much-needed mid-week vacation. The U.S. president called on his Russian counterpart to observe international and galactic law.

“If Vladimir Putin continues to occupy large sections of the ISS,” said Mr. Obama, “he needs to know that the United States is fully behind the future actions of the United Nations, and that no options are off the table, except military force and economic sanctions.”

Mr. Obama has dispatched Secretary of State John Kerry to the ISS, where he’ll arrive this weekend aboard a Falcon 9 cargo launch, after several hours of grueling training with George Clooney and Sandra Bullock.

Secretary Kerry will carry a red magic marker.

Obama: New Jobs Report Shows Most Still Have One

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Now Hiring

Thanks to President Obama’s economic policies, signs like this are appearing more often. This firm, for example, wants to hire a stock photographer to meet the growing demand from the White House for more pictures like this one.

(2014-01-11) — More upbeat economic news this morning from the White House as the latest jobs report indicates nearly 63 percent of working-age people still consider themselves part of “the workforce,” and a majority of them actually have jobs.

Administration spokesman Jay Carney said the Labor Department report “should buoy the stock market because 74,000 new jobs represents a full 37 percent of expected job creation.” However, he acknowledged “even that impressive number can go higher if we do more to reduce expectations.”

In the official White House news release, President Obama said, “Jobs are a key part of my economic plan, and I’m happy to report that most people have one.”

Carney credited President Obama’s policies for the “economic surge,” but admitted that the president hasn’t done enough yet persuade the Labor Department to reduce the official labor force number so that the unemployment figure can come down even further.

“Reducing the size of the work force is the key to reducing the unemployment number,” Carney said. “But the president can’t be blamed for the dearth of discouraged people dropping out. I think everyone agrees the president is doing all he can to discourage them.”