Archive for the ‘Technology’ Category

Obama: $2B Won’t Kill Every Oil Job, But It’s a Start

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Obama thanks federal researcher for his devotion to killing petroleum jobs

President Obama thanks a federal researcher who’s working to eliminate every last job in the petroleum industry. However, since job-killing research is funded by oil-drilling leases, it’s crucial that the industry keep growing until such jobs are completely eradicated.

President Obama Friday pressed Congress to spend $2 billion on his dream to eliminate hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, of jobs in the petroleum industry. However, he acknowledged that federal research on such job-killing will cost much more, and unfortunately, many oil industry workers could remain employed for years to come.

“In a down economy like this,” Obama said, “it’s difficult to get enough funding to kill as many jobs as we would like. But $2 billion is a start, and is sure to move many people out of the filthy petroleum business and onto the government entitlement payroll where they won’t do near as much to contribute to global climate change.”

The president said years of federal funding on job-killing research has “led us to the precipice of a major breakthrough that would rapidly eliminate entire industries that have created America’s embarrassing prosperity.”

An unnamed spokesman for the Office of Management and Budget explained that the president’s plan pays for eliminating jobs in the petroleum industry through federal oil and gas leases on off-shore drilling, “so it’s important that the industry remain vibrant until it’s completely gone.”

Facebook Redesign Mimics Newspaper, Delivered Daily

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Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced yesterday that the social site’s new interface will look more like a newspaper, in response to user nostalgia over the papers they no longer subscribe to at home.

“Not only will it look like a newspaper,” said Zuckerberg, “but starting next week, Facebook will be delivered to you once each day.”

The young billionaire predicted that daily Facebook delivery would increase GDP in the U.S. and other nations by up to 11 percent, since the current 24/7 non-stop streaming interface is “an addictive, soul-sapping time-suck that kills worker productivity.”

Zuckerberg said users of the Facebook mobile app — for iDevices and Android — will soon get “the most realistic newspaper experience ever” when the firm rolls out its “virtual ink” version, with type that actually rubs off on your fingers when you swipe the screen.

Facebook to Mimic Newspaper

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said people miss the newspapers they cancelled years ago, so he’s changing the social site’s interface to be more “Victorian.”

T-Mobile to Drop 2-Yr Contract, Require Nose Rings

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Insiders at T-Mobile say the cellular phone service provider may soon eliminate the requirement to sign a two-year contract, and instead compel customers to wear a brass nose ring as an alternative sign of submission to the company.

AT&T, Verizon & Sprint are also said to be mulling ways to stop customer complaints about the restrictive, expensive longterm contracts, while still making sure a customer understands who really controls his life.

“We’ve looked at various options,” said an unnamed cell industry insider, “from making customers wear a particular headdress as a public emblem of our authority over them, to a sliding scale system that would range from an orange jumpsuit to the full iron ball-and-chain configuration. If customers don’t like the bondage of longterm contracts, we’re sensitive to that, and we’re willing to change.”

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“I was locked into a 2-year contract with AT&T,” said this unnamed cell phone user, “but with T-Mobile, they just pierced my nose and I’m finally free. They promised they’d never hook a chain to it, or tug on it or anything, so long as I pay my bill on time.”