Archive for the ‘Technology’ Category

Musk Puffs Joint to Demonstrate Trust in Tesla Autopilot

(2018-09-07) — After Tesla stock took a beating in the wake of video showing CEO Elon Musk puffing a joint and drinking whiskey on the Joe Rogan podcast, the innovative billionaire comforted concerned investors by noting he was merely demonstrating his unshakeable confidence in the Tesla autopilot feature.

“I often impair myself intentionally,” Musk said, “simply to let people know how fantastically-reliable our autopilot has become. It’s a real game-changer for alcoholics and drug addicts, as well as delusional people who occasionally hallucinate.”

Musks recent antics have played havoc with the company’s stock, and well as his personal reputation, but in this case he merely engaged in normal safety testing of America’s best-selling electric vehicle.

“After the Rogan interview,” Musk said, “I popped a downer and then dropped into the cockpit and hit the autopilot button. I woke up in my garage three days later…perfectly safe. No worries.”

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Trump Asks Dems to Push Ban on 3-D Movie Guns

(2018-08-01) — After suggesting in a Tweet that downloadable blueprints for 3-D printing of guns should be regulated or banned, President Donald Trump today reached across the aisle again calling for a total ban on guns in 3-D movies.

“Democrats should join me and ban all guns in 3-D movies,” the president said on Twitter, adding, “Crazy Hollywood actors with deadly guns in more than two dimensions – VERY dangerous.”

The White House said the president believes in reasonable movie-gun regulation, including a prohibition on guns that have the realistic appearance of length, width and depth — such as those seen through special glasses in many movie American theaters.

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‘Bad Actors’ Ban to Shut Down Facebook by 2019

(2018-08-01) — As Facebook announced it had eliminated 32 pages engaged in what it called “coordinated inauthentic behavior,” a spokesman said the firm is committed to remove all inauthentic content by “bad actors,” and thus to completely shut down the social media platform by late 2019.

“Whoever set up these now-defunct accounts went to great lengths to obscure their true identies,” the Facebook spokesman said. “During our probe, we discovered it’s not just Russian agents abusing the platform that way. Facebook is riddled with bad actors pretending to be someone they’re not, clogging the service with inauthentic content aimed at making others think more highly of them than they ought.”

The inaccurate picture of real life manufactured by the vast majority of Facebook users stokes envy, acrimony and division, the source said. For the good of humanity, the company decided to shut down all such accounts.

“In the beginning, we just wanted a place for people to connect and strengthen relationships,” he said, “but our users, not to mention our advertisers, have turned Facebook into a cesspool of phoniness, staged photos, and inaccurate descriptions of daily life that make other people feel inadequate.”

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New Apple Device Ditches ‘Sensory Interface’

(2018-06-10) — Apple’s next groundbreaking device will dispense with the outdated concept of a ‘user interface’ that connects with human senses to convey information, according to an unnamed source familiar with the Cupertino firm’s design process.

Designers have gradually removed visible and tactile features from Apple’s popular iPhones and smartwatches, but the ultimate goal — what experts call ‘interfacelessness’ — has proved elusive…until now.

“People want devices that integrate elegantly and seamlessly with their daily lives,” Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO, reportedly told associates in a recent email. “Until now we’ve done nothing but disturb them with visual, auditory, and kinesthetic feedback that interrupts their solitude and requires mental effort to interpret. The era of the palpable, tangible device that requires sensory interplay is coming to an end. Apple will lead the way to the new, senseless future.”

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SkyMall Bankrupt: Fliers Resigned to Analog Litter Boxes

Electronic Cat Litter Box SkyMall | ScrappleFace

America’s cats may be hardest hit by the announcement that SkyMall — the in-flight catalog felines count on for essential survival items — has declared bankruptcy.

(2015-01-23) — With the bankruptcy of SkyMall, the in-flight catalog, airline passengers nationwide report that they’re now stuck with non-electronic cat-litter disposal systems, among other shocking inconveniences.

It’s hard to know exactly how many house cats the bankruptcy will affect, experts said. But countless millions of felines now to stand in their own waste, knowing that what they deposit will still be there when they return — rather than be electronically whisked into a hermetically-sealed drawer.

“Every time I take the red-eye to L.A.X., I tell myself I’m going to order that robotic cat-litter gizmo,” said one unnamed airline passenger. “Now that SkyMall is bankrupt, I could kick myself . It was only about three-hundred-fifty bucks, but I never did it — just like I never clean our analog litter box. It just seemed like too much trouble to pick up the phone, or that little shovel.”

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European Philae Comet Probe Discovers ‘Who We Are’

Comet 67P

An unnamed European mission engineer said early data from the Philae probe on Comet 67P tells us about “who we are.” And the answer looks like this.

European scientists behind the Rosetta mission to Comet 67P had hoped that by landing a probe on the comet surface they might determine its essential properties, and be able to deduce answers to larger questions about the universe, the Milky Way galaxy, our solar system, planet Earth and about humanity itself.

Early results from Philae, the European Space Agency (ESA) probe which touched down Wednesday, have exceeded expectations, according to one source.

“The telemetry and photographs tell us a great deal,” said an unnamed Rosetta mission engineer. “They tell us not just about the comet, but about the fundamental essence of the universe — about who we are.”

“Initial data indicates that we are cold, dark, lumpy and adrift in the cosmos,” said the engineer, who has devoted more than a decade to the project, yet whose name remains unknown to most of humanity despite the glorious, ennobling nature of the mission, and likelihood that this is the very zenith of his short lifespan.

“We’re looping endlessly around the sun for no apparent reason,” he added. “We’re harsh, stony, dirty and bleak — tumbling, enduring desolation, and periodically spewing our waste into the vast vacuum of space where it dissipates without a trace. That’s who we are, if you really want to know.”

The European engineer added that he’s not sure it was necessary to spend nearly $2 billion and two decades to determine this, and that he should have suspected as much after his first philosophy class at university.

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Russians Steal 1.2 Billion Passwords from 17 People

password

Russian ID thieves devastated 17 people worldwide by stealing 1.2 billion of their passwords.

(2014-08-07) — Russian identity thieves reportedly stole 1.2 billion passwords from 420,000 websites, jeopardizing the privacy and financial well-being of up to 17 individuals worldwide.

International law enforcement authorities called the crime “devastating,” because like most people, “these 17 victims have more passwords than they can count, and no system for keeping track of them.”

Once the perpetrators are in custody, an attorney for the victims said he’s hopeful that “authorities will let them question the Russians from time to time in order to secure login credentials — especially for those sites and apps that you access only once or twice a year, but that make you create an entire user profile to find out whether it’s going to rain today, or at what temperature pork should be cooked in a convection oven.”

Approximately 1.1 billion of the stolen passwords merely provide access to one-time-usage email accounts set up to sell something on Craigslist — accounts with names like 2003PlymouthNeedsWork@gmail.com.

Authorities say the vast majority of the passwords on the Russian hard drives consist of utterly-random character sequences like ‘1234567’ or ‘password.’

Fortunately for the victims, the attorney said, “The Russians did not manage to acquire all of their passwords, so they can still post pictures of food and cat videos to Facebook and Instagram, retaining at least a modicum of their human dignity.”

 

 

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Obama’s EPA Mandates Homes Powered by Friction

bicycle generator

“The future is friction,” President Obama said today as he endorsed new EPA regulations shutting down all other types of power and heat generation.


(2014-07-29) — Warning that the economic cost of global warming in the U.S. could soon mount to $150 billion per year, President Barack Obama today announced a new array of Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) rules that would, among other things, require U.S. homes to be powered and heated by friction alone.

“We know that fossil fuel emissions will soon incinerate the planet, and could reduce Gross Domestic Product (GDP) in the U.S. by up to 3.1 percent,” Obama said. “We also know that wind power slaughters birds, solar and water power clutter the landscape and disturb wildlife, batteries contain corrosive chemicals–and are often not included anyway — and nuclear power creates tsunamis, as we saw in Fukushima, Japan, not so long ago. America’s last best hope is friction.”

“As long as I’m in this White House,” President Obama said, “the future is friction.”

Under the new rules from the EPA, the power industry would have up to 90 days to make the transition to friction generators after disabling existing power plants at the end of August.

Americans unwilling to wait 90 days could create their own friction at home, using simple hand cranks, bicycles, political discussions or visits from the in-laws.

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Holder: Gays Deserve Equal Treatment from IRS, NSA

AG Eric Holder said the Justice Dept. will ensure that homosexual couples aren't overlooked by the IRS and NSA.

AG Eric Holder said the Justice Dept. will ensure that homosexuals aren’t overlooked by the IRS and NSA.

(2014-02-10) — Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that from now on the Justice Department will make sure that the federal government treats homosexual couples the same as heterosexuals, ensuring equally-vigorous IRS scrutiny for their political groups, generous NSA eavesdropping on personal communications, and proactive government exclusion of their viewpoints from the public schools.

“I’ve grown concerned recently that gay people are not receiving the kind of attention they should from the federal government,” said Holder. “We don’t know for a fact that government policy excludes gay people, but the seriousness of the allegation is sufficient to merit additional funding and staffing to ensure that both civil rights and civil constraints are equally applicable to all.”

The Attorney General said federal recognition of gay marriages is the keystone in an “equitable-compliance” regimen.

“Once we register gay marriages in our database,” Holder said. “we can make sure that heterosexuals aren’t being favored with more IRS audits, for example. And gay people should also know that the NSA listens to their concerns, as well as to other details of their lives. Your federal government is there for you.”

An unnamed spokesman for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) community praised Holder’s “long overdue” statement, noting that without an explicit mandate, government agencies may have inadvertently neglected to give the same level of attention to LGBT persons as it has to people still clinging to what he/she called “legacy sexual identity” (LSI).

“It’s an issue of fairness and compliance,” the spokesman said. “We simply want to ensure that the government doesn’t discriminate in its delivery of comprehensive monitoring and aggressive regulation just because of who you love.”

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Christie: Nominate Me or I’ll Shut Down the Internet

Chris Christie threatens to throttle the internet if denied the GOP presidential nomination

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie came out swinging at politicians and pundits who think the trafficgate scandal means “blood in the water” that might end his presidential hopes. Here Christie demonstrates how he’ll “squeeze the internet pipeline like a garden hose” if the RNC denies him the nomination.

(2014-01-09) — As political enemies worked to link New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie with a move by his top aides to shut down traffic as political revenge on a small town Democratic mayor, a combative Christie held a news conference today to announce he would be the Republican presidential nominee, or internet users would have to “go back to measuring signal speeds in baud per second.”

“You think it was ugly when a couple of access lanes got closed near the bridge to New York City,” the pugnacious presumptive presidential hopeful snarled, “wait until it takes three hours to post your selfie.”

The allegations that Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich got punished with four days of traffic disruptions for his refusal to endorse Christie’s re-election last year appeared to shatter the governor’s reputation as prickly-but-honest — a man above partisan politics.

Within hours of the Bergen Record’s revelation of snarky emails between a Christie staffer and a political appointee, politicians and pundits, smelling blood in the water, lined up at microphones to herald the end of the Christie integrity myth.

“It’s not that people expect better behavior from politicians,” said one unnamed political consultant, “It’s that they can’t stand a hypocrite. That’s why I advise my clients to avoid establishing a track record of plain speaking and honorable behavior. It’s much easier to surprise them with occasional honesty and integrity, than to maintain admirable character over the long haul.”

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